why am I filled with so much anger?

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#1 Jan 10 - 7PM
betteroff
betteroff's picture

why am I filled with so much anger?

Hello everyone,
I have seen a therapist 3 times so far and started EMDR therapy this week also this week I have heard from xnbf(called my work). He was crying and calling himself an asshole. Told me he was getting back with gf and "just did not want to lose me". I told him "I wished him luck with his new family" He has not called work since. My therapist told me that my emotions would probably be running very high after my session. However I felt I handled the conversation with the xnbf very well. This is where I am starting to freak out..on Friday I attended the funeral of an elderly woman with whom I had become friends with the first time I was D&D.(4 years ago)
She was the mother of one of my coworkers. Apparently my coworker told her what a mess I was and she called just to talk to me and say she was there if I needed to talk to someone. I was touched in such a way that I instantly felt a bond with her. I have stayed in touch with her over the years.
Anyway after the funeral on friday some of us went for dinner and a few drinks after work. I drank too much wine. I came home and found myself angry at everyone and everything. I screamed at my daughter(she is 25) the same way I screamed at the xnbf. I hated myself and I hated everyone else. Just writing this makes me cry. I do not want to feel so depressed. I am afraid to drink around anyone because this always happened when I lived with the nbf. I always lashed out at him when I drank. I found alcohol as a crutch for being so damn lonely..physically and emotionally. He would purposely not drink with me(only his friends) so he could say I drink too much. My therapist says it will all be ok. I am doubtful.

Jan 10 - 8PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Rage needs an outlet.

Rage needs an outlet. therapy is ok but very passive. I was just reading this in an article by a Dr.Susan Lark M.D. She said human beings have very complex emotional and energetic makeups and they often struggle to balance the positive and negative energies that they're exposed to everyday. this is complicated by the fact that few people over the age of 40 have brains and nervous systems that are optimally balanced. When they are over stressed they may overreact. If wine is the trigger and lowers your inhibitions so that you let the rage out you might want to find an excercise routine that will let you get the rage out without yelling at your daughter or doing other things that make you feel guilty. The raging with the ex narc is a very typical re-action to their abuse. It is common and they do use it to tell people you are crazy. I experienced it and saw it a few times. I decided that the one that acts crazy in the dysfunctional relationship is actually the victim. Dr. Lark suggested that you could do DECHARGING a 2 step process done with your feet touching grass or the ground for grounding. 1. do a prayer of gratitude to your higher power list the things you are greatful for 2. Then ask your higher power to eliminate all negativity and stress within you. "I am decharging any and all negativity and stress in me through this earth element" There is an explanation of decharging in greater detail at www.kaleshwar.org
Jan 10 - 8PM
4joys4
4joys4's picture

Did you make ammends to your

Did you make ammends to your daughter? Do that. It will make you feel better. Then maybe, just maybe..go to an aa meeting. I'm not saying you are an alcoholic, but many women drink when lonely. I sat in on a meeting once that was a womens only meeting and could relate to all of them. I purposely dont drink when lonely because I dont want to start a habit. I saw a relative do that and she died of it. You have a lot of anger and your therapist will help you unravel that. Good luck.
Jan 10 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
betteroff
betteroff's picture

4joys4

Hello 4joys4 I think my daughter is sick of hearing me apologize! She somewhat does understand a little bit about the emotional rollercoaster I have been on for the last 7 years. So we have an understanding. I thank God everyday for her being as supportive as she has been without truly understanding the emotional abuse I have been through. I have found that I do not have a want or need to drink since I have moved out from the n. However the experience I had friday scares me and maybe aa would not be a bad thing. Thanks and take care.
Jan 11 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
4joys4
4joys4's picture

betteroff

I dont drink at all, but toward the end of the relationship I was so confused, deeply deeply hurt and enraged that I couldnt sleep. My sanity could have slipped away from all the abuse. I keep wine in the house to cook with. One morning a poured a glass at 6am. I sat and looked at it, crying. I did not drink it that day, but that experience scared the crap out of me. That afternoon I went to a womens aa meeting. Many women had similar experiences. I went to a few more and then realized I didnt need them but it was good to know they were there and I learned a lot. By the way, the narc drove me to that first meeting. He would hurt me, then play doctor and act so caring. Its warped. A very sick system.
Jan 10 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

anger

I don't know about discharging anger esoterically... I do know that anger can be a good sign... 1. it's a sign that YOUR self-esteem is coming back. Really! look what N did to you!! and a funeral - a loss!!! your subconscious has probably had "enough" with loss... 2. it can be channeled to start cleaning out your life. Rearrange furniture, get rid of stuff that was affected by the N, and so on 3. you just went to a funeral! Anger is an integral part of the grief process. You're probably still grieving the relationship with the N... PTSD brings anger with it... as well as what the EMDR brought up. talk to everyone and apologize that your anger got unloaded on them. Explain it wasn't personal and you will try to be more mindful in the future. And that you are working through a number of things and ask for their support. sometimes I am sooooo filled with rage - Psycho-Boy, NarcMother, NarcFriends, exNH: - that's time I will never get back - that's ENERGY I could have put into other things - that's love that I DESERVED back anger isn't a bad thing... it's how you use it that can be bad You might find this of interest: http://www.angerproject.com/ ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 10 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
betteroff
betteroff's picture

anger

Thank You so much Barbara! Your words truly give me insight and always make me feel better. Hugs!