A friend I met on another forum invited me here to this site, she said it was really good and alot of special people here that listen and give good advice and just in general help to pull you up by the bootstrings when you need it.
Im sure my story isnt all that different than alot of women here. I first got married when I was only 19 years of age, and had my son when I was 20. I think at that point and time in your life, you just sort of do what is expected of you, if your a girl, its to get married and raise a family. Mine wasnt the greatest marriage of all times by any stretch of the imagination, yet for the most part we got along reasonable well, but anyone knows that isnt much to base a marriage on. So after 19 years of marriage we decided to get a divorce. I never in my wildest dreams ever expected to get married again in my life...really I wasnt that interested in any man for years. Then one day while I was at my son's house, my daughter in law was on the computer and was in a chatroom, LOL I thought to myself wow that looks interesting. After watching her cut up in rooms for a while, I decided that I would buy myself a computer, and she helped me make my first yahoo nickname. After that as the saying goes the rest is history.
Several years after getting my computer, I happened to go into a chat room that another woman I knew went into, while there I watched as this certain gentleman chatted and flirted with all the ladies in the room, he dances with them and had the whole room laughing. He was suppose to be involved with someone else from the room, so I just watched and never really said much of anything to him, we would say hi to each other if the other one happened to come into the room but that was it. Then one day out of the blue he asked me to dance in the room, I was a little shocked because Im very quiet and dont interact much with others. He helped me get dance emotes, and showed me how to use them. We rarely ever talked outside the room, because I knew he was talking to someone else, and I believe you dont interfer with anyone elses relationship. So I went back to my orginal room, and then one day out of the blue he popped into the room I was in, and we started chatting, he told me he was no longer chatting with the other woman. So over the course of the next couple months we talked daily online, and you think you really start to know someone when all you can do it talk, and the story that they tell never seems to change from day to day, you learn early on in chat, to take everything with a grain of salt, you talk to someone today, and they are one age, the next day they are someone totally different, this man wasnt like that. Later in our online relationship, we moved on to talking on the telephone also, and our relationship began to build from there. Its very hard to build a relationship online in first place, because others are always butting into everyones business, yet we preservered. I should also say that I lived in the United States and he lived in Canada. After talking for almost a year we decided to take the relationship a little bit farther and see how it went from there, so I flew up to meet him in person and spent a week there in a hotel room. Each day we would go somewhere and do something different just spending time together, seeing if what we thought we have online could actually work into something much more.
At the end of that week, I knew that I wanted much more out of the relationship than what we had now.....and he seemed to also. He had alot of the some ethics that I had or so I thought, and I believed that the things I considered to be important in a relationship, he did also.
He was the man I had waited my whole life for, my soulmate, never had I been so deeply in love, and probably never will again. After my return to the states, we continuted to talk, and I left my job, moved up to live with him for several months at a time. Everything was wonderful or so I thought.....our relationship continued this way for the next 3 years, me going back and forward juggling my life, I stood by him while he was getting a divorce from his ex, whom had left him numerous times over the course of a 20 relationship. She supposely had affairs, yet he always took her back until the last time almost 10 years ago. Finally after fighting for years in court, the divorce was finally over, and we got married a little over two years ago.
Maybe the wedding day should have been the first sign of troubles ahead, the weather wasnt the greatest, and he made me cry on the way to be married. I look back now, and think you foolish woman why were you so blind. I just assumed he was nervous about the wedding, so I let it slide and didnt say anything about it. Soon after the marriage took place everything started to change, the man I considered my soulmate each day began to find fault with little things I didnt do to suit him, over time those things grew and grew, until after awhile I couldnt do anything that made him happy I have driven for over 35 years, yet when we go someone he wont drive I have to, and the whole time Im driving he is constantly telling me what im doing wrong. This has week on for almost the whole time we have been married. If you say something to him, he rants and raves, calls me names, and im told how stupid I am.....how did I ever get my license.....lots of bs like that. I learned pretty soon in that it was better not to say anything back to him, because if you did, you got yelled at called name, and then the dreaded silent treatment, and in the beginning that just about killed me, I couldnt stand that he would ignore me. Each day of the last two years he has slowly destroyed every bit of self esteem that I had, which wasnt alot in first place, I was always quiet and extremely shy, so I guess that made me a easy target for this man. Things continue to get worse and worse, and to top things off, being from another country we had to go through the immigration process so that I could legally stay in Canada, even though we were married, that has been a long drawn out affair, and very costly everytime you turn around someone is wanting money. LOL of course during this time, im not allowed to work and I have no income, so daily I have to listen to what a freeloader I am, and how much money I cost him....how he should have never gotten involved with someone from another country....everything a woman wants to hear from the man that claimed to love her when they got married. I would lay in bed each night and listen to him go on and on about how no one loved him, he never had anyone to support him everyone only used him for money.....for 2 years I constantly tried to tell him, and show him how much I loved him, was never enough....lol how could it be, because no i know with someone like him you can never be what he wants you to be....otherwise what pleasure would they get out of destroying you so completely.
Slowly over the course of last few months, I have come to realize exactly what he is doing to me...sometimes in beginning its so slow and gradual you dont notice it, until one day you wake up and find yourself totally gone. It has been hard for me, because he controls everything, I never have any money in my pocketbook and my vehicle was broken down so no way to go anywhere. Only now since he thinks im finally going to be able to get a job, so I will give him all of my money to pay the bills with, has he finally done something about getting it fixed. Little does he know that I have different plans for that money...sure I might have to put a little bit into the household to help on some of the bills, but it is my intention to stash away as much as I possibly can, to someday make a break from him and his controling ways. I know it wont be easy, and I realize the day I walk out the door, there can be no turning back, I will have to stand strong and keep this N completely out of my life. A friend suggested that I start keeping a journal and I have been doing that for about a month now, some days is slow but I am beginning to see some progress in my own confidence as I pour out my emotions into words, and seeing things in black and white gives you a better prespective about things in general.
I know this was long, and im sure there was alot more I could have said, but thank you for reading my story....it does help to get it out into the light as im beginning to learn as I start my journey out of the darkness.
Good for you and keep
Same happened to me
My vehicle has been broken
Thank you Cherry
Thank you Sara