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Who was I married to?

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#1 Aug 16 - 7AM
grossot
grossot's picture

Who was I married to?

I recently heard from more than one reputable source, my STBXNH led another life.

Apparently, a couple of years ago, to no knowledge of mine whatsoever, narc got his ass kicked at a party (i never knew he partied or drank - absolutely no indication) and was knocked unconscious for cockin' off to some guy.

I do know that around this time, although I saw no bruises, I helped Narc pay for a doctor's visit and an anti -inflammatory script. He gave me some story about something he did in the army years before and hurt his chest (sternum). Come to find out, the guy he cocked off to punched him right in the chest.

I was so stupid and naive. I will never trust again.

Aug 16 - 7PM
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Trust again?

I don't even like men now. I'm not too hard on myself for having these feelings right now. Trust> no way! I trust certain people with certain things. The type of trust you need for a committed relationship will be hard to get back, because my N was VERY trustworthy for years before he felt he had me where he wanted me and started the abuse.
Aug 16 - 3PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

no no no

You were NOT stupid & naive. You got had by a MASTER PREDATOR. http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/15/who-person-jekyll-and-hyde Hope you get a chance to listen to this week's radio show: www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim it might help you. But I unfortunately, will also never trust again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Aug 16 - 11AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Trust is easily given by

Trust is easily given by women men are more closed. Maybe you can trust again but let the person earn your trust. How could you ever know that he had another life? there was a tv movie, a few years ago, about a prominent doctor who died in his 30's and left three families. None of the women knew about one another until he died and they all showed up at the hospital. They all thought they were legally married to him. You will find emotionally honest and stabile men you just have to be a little reserved until you are sure. Many women now hire private investigators to do a background check. It sounds extreme but can save a lot of heartache and problems. He is a jerk with no future and you are getting to a good place. Maybe he was your teacher?
Aug 16 - 10AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

grossot

No hun, you were not stupid, smarts has nothing to do with being conned by these guys. I know a lot of red flags to look for now that I've been duped, but who is to say I don't meet a totally different 'kind' on narcissist in the future?? Will I have learned enough? Will I listen to all of my instincts to separate normal from abnormal? I think knowing what we even know now, they can be hard to spot, depending on the type. Before I met my ex, I knew almost nothing about the subject (narcs=people who think they're great), and 'abuse' was yelling and hitting. Talk about feeling dumb. I'd rather say uneducated, of course! :) That must have hurt to hear more about your ex. I think it's wise to block it all...I know some well-meaning friends may say, "I saw your ex the other night, he was with this woman, and she was a skank!"...doesn't matter what is said, the reality of their lives NOW always is a smack in the face (we get no 'closure', except on our own if we need it). God only knows what my ex DIDN'T tell me either??? It will always be a mystery, but oh well..I don't want to know. He's history, he no longer totally envelopes me, and I care about myself more now than I care about him (which I happily say, is a first). Now that you do know, if you ponder it a bit, it will reinforce that you are much better off without this loose cannon-lying-S.O.B. in your life. As far as trust; I am learning to trust myself, and listen to my instincts, as far as feeling I can trust someone else, we'll see. Baby steps!
Aug 16 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Happily Caring For Yourself More Than You Care About Him

LOVE it, Quietude! What a great post. Hearing things about our ex-N's can be a double edged sword. On the one hand, finding out things that show us how much of a liar they were can be a re-enforcement of our decision to leave the relationship. (Mine was evidently addicted to porn which was weird to me since he told me he wasn't into porn at all. He was staying up until 2AM sometimes going from website to website. His computer was always getting some kind of virus....hmmm, go figure.) ON THE OTHER HAND, hearing anything about them brings on thoughts about them which CAN lead to obsessive thoughts about them. I'm getting better.....I don't think about mine much anymore at all and when I do, it's like a surreal, detached feeling. Almost like it happened to a very dear friend of mine...not me. I absolutely love the clean, free feeling I have about my life now. I love not having to consider that Black Hole of a Soul's feelings anymore. He matters not. neveragain
Aug 16 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Hoping2Heal (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

HOw????

How did you get better? Time? I keep wanting to make excuses for him like he's having a mid life crisis or something. But the truth is he has done it to the previous wives too! How could I have been so wrong about him or did it just gradually get worse? I dont trust myself at all either. I obviously made a very terrible judgement in character! How do you put the thoughts of him behind you? I keep wondering who he's with, whats so wrong with me, will he change and see how he's ruining his life etc...
Aug 16 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

jbaysmom

You mean how do some of us arrive at this point? I still don't think I'm better, but I'm better off than I was 5 months ago when he left. What works for me is no contact. He attempts to reconcile, but I ignore him. Time is part of it, but you have to be very pro-active during that time. As Barbara has recommended, reading, journaling, self-care including pampering yourself lots, coming to this board as well as any other support groups you find helpful, therapy --even just some, lot of validation, and unfortunately, NOT sharing it with most others because they don't get it, and it just makes you feel bad. I still don't fully trust myself, which is why I don't date yet...way too early. You didn't make a bad judgement, you were targeted - this is blaming yourself which is so important NOT to do. Would you blame a rape victim? Of course not. But we've been through emotional rape. So please go easy on yourself and realize you were manipulated, that's why we're here. And this is a group of amazing, intelligent women and men (well, just one man right now that I'm aware of!) Mid-life crisis IS just an excuse...so is 'they were abused as a child' - that was my excuse for my ex's poor behavior. But that doesn't fly...there is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. Only a few months ago, I was abandoned (again), and I thought I was going to DIE. I felt a huge void, I missed him and was so upset. It's work to get here...and I still have my days, especially on the weekend when life slows down a bit and I miss our 'dates'. But there's much more I don't miss which gets me to focus on the reality. Whomever said "the only way around is through" is so right. You have to face and deal with the pain; it does get easier. Give yourself permission to grieve, take baby steps...get your support group going...vent, get angry...whatever helps. Hugs to you!
Aug 16 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

jbaysmom

this takes a LOT of time - a LOT. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/08/15/recovery-healing-takes-patience-lot-patience http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/29/just-because-you-believe-it-doesnt-make-it-true GET INTO THERAPY IMMEDIATELY. GET A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY. Keep reading every single page on MESSAGE BOARD and MY BLOG. There's a lot here for you. http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/06/24/understanding-narcissists-cycle-idealizing-you-devaluing-demeaning-you http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/06/07/confusion-being-idealized-completely-devalued-narcissist http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/10/rigorous-honesty-first-rule-recovery http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/18/married-n-and-waiting-good-times-return Get Lisa's book Get WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS (covers Narcs too) and you will learn HOW he did it and it had ZERO to you being gullible or stupid. ZERO. Keep a private journal (online even) about all your thoughts feelings and what he says & does, including date & time. http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/07/understanding-intense-attachment-narcissist LISTEN to Lisa's free radio shows: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim There is NO QUICK answer or EASY fix... it will take time & work... and getting as far away from him as possible. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone