Which reason was it for YOU?

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#1 Feb 12 - 7PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Which reason was it for YOU?

I have been wondering the past several weeks why I stayed when he showed me his true colors. Lets forget about the brainwashing for a moment and focus on why we stayed when they did nothing but cause us horrible emotional pain and abuse, and why did we stay when we knew what they were, I even stayed after my counselor told me he was a very dangerous predator. I have come up with a few, I wanted to include stupid as the first reason but that is how I felt about myself for a long time and I need to give myself a little more credit than that. I have come up with some strong reasons why we stayed.

1- Shock and in denial(ptsd)
2- Traumatic bonding
3- Waiting for the dream man to come back
4- Waiting for them to realize how special we were and what they had.
5- Didnt want to let go of the illusion
6- Felt in some small way and held on to hope they actually loved us in their own way.
7- Thought they could fill the void from what they took away from us.
8 Last but not least, waiting to see if their lobotomy was successful. (had to throw that one in there)

I think all of them apply to me personally, but If I had to pick one I really feel #4 in my heart. I found myself saying so many times this past year, How could he just throw someone away like me. ( I dont mean to sound like a narcissist either I dont walk around thinking I am all that) Its what I gave in my heart to him, I base it off how healthy others view me too; my friends, my children, my co workers, family, etc.. I held on because I kept thinking surely he will see what he had with me. It wasnt until I totally understood the nature of their behavior that I could wait until pigs fly for him to see me the way I wanted him to. That is what hurt the most that he only wanted to see me as a whore and was blind to everything else, what I was as a person didnt matter to him, I just had to be giving so the predator could take advantage of me. Here are a few more equations:

(US) (THEM)
Giving = take, take take on their part
Tolerant = someone you can walk all over
Beautiful = makes them look good, for some its not a requirement but just a nice bonus
sexy = closer to my fantasy of a whore
Vulnerable = weak
Trusting = stupid and naive
Talented = they have no use for it, they will never admire you for it because nobody is as great as they are
Smart = again, nobody is as smart as they are, never prove them wrong on any topic or debate
educated and successful = Good she can support me and pay the bills. Or good, I dont have to support her, she can take care of herself, and if I do support her I OWN HER.
Puts me First = excellent I can conquer and divide better this way, isolate her from others she will ignore her own needs and just cater to mine. In time I wont have to give her much at all just throw her a bone now and then so she stays around.

Instead of being proud of the good traits we have, they find ways to take advantage of our good qualities and abuse us because of them. After all a predator is only out for themselves, to devour and destroy. So why did he throw someone like me away? I guess he really didnt I just didnt give him what he wanted from me, so he had no use for me. I wanted love from him which he is not capable of so I guess I threw him away to the life he prefers.

Feb 13 - 8PM
toonice
toonice's picture

definitely # 3

I kept seeing glimpses of the original man I met 21 months ago. They were sometimes brief and then at times lasted days. But they always vanished again.... the talented... mine kept me for I was smarter than him and he would tell me this. He needed me for computer stuff and for writing his emails to his L and ex wife. Well that was what blew his last gasket. I refused to write one and after 4 days of waiting for him to write the rough draft of a letter I said No, I will not do it. He lost it, became enraged and said things to me not even my ex H had said when he left me during his midlife crisis. I am 7 yrs older than the ex N so I at first thought he was immature. He was broke and i am not so I was his perfect victim. Feeding us crumbs of the man we fell for keeps us from walking until one day we are just no longer hungry for crumbs and want the whole meal.
Feb 15 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Living Off Crumbs Rather Than The Whole Meal

I love that analogy. My counselor also told me life was like a water faucet and I was living mine at a trickle. Same idea. For me I put up with the crumbs (and they were stale moldy crumbs at that) because I am a Love Addict, searching for that first glorious meal early in the relationship, to be served again so I can feast once more. However it was always feast or famine, and 99% famine. So to wrap up this analogy - lesson learned - I must feed myself and not rely on a man to 'feed' me (love me). And yes us Love Addicts confuse sex and love all the time.
Feb 15 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

not!

you're not a Love Addict! you have REPETITION COMPULSION... something victims develop over time. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 15 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

I Will Google The Term

Thanks Barbara for the insight - I will Google the term to learn more. I consider myself a Love Addict not as a means of excusing anything the Narcs/ Psychopaths in my life have done to me. I don't think I deserved it in any way. I only identify myself as a Love Addict because I fit the criteria in that ever since childhood, I have had the overwhelming need to be loved or even liked by anyone with a pulse. And this need to be loved, to be constantly in a relationship (usually with a utter loser) and trying to make him love me, has caused me alot of grief pain and agony. Yes it is human nature to want to be in a relationship and want to be loved. But I do believe that some of us take it to the extreme much more so than others, and will put up with excess pain and suffering all in the endless quest to feel loved by the loser now and then. I feel like that has been a problem for me throughout my life. I have seen other women who dont give a rats ass about a man and will use him for all he is worth. I've seen women who seem to be in the normal zone, who wouldnt put up with much bad behavior from a man for long, before kicking him to the curb. They had boundaries with the men they were in relationships with. I had a few (very few) whimpy little boundaries, and usually those got run over too. So while I can see that I most likely do have Repetition Compulsion, it also seems to me that some of my behavior can also be described as an addiction for love that I sought to be filled by the love of a man I was with, rather than looking inward and loving myself. That 'self-love' concept was always Greek to me (or Chinese - pick a language!) Just my current opinion, not that I am any expert on any of it in particular. Like a loose cannon, I know just enough to be dangerously mediocre regarding all of it!
Feb 15 - 9PM (Reply to #18)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

self-love

I have caused alot of my own pain too with men, bad men that take advantage of a love starved woman who need attention. I am quite aware that sex doesnt = love but for me sorry, if the partner I am with doesnt care about me and its just sex, its not for me I have always been that way. We dont have to go riding off into the sunset but there should be mutual respect with love partners. When you are with a narc all you get is sexual abuse and total betrayal not the happy medium I am looking for. Expecting anything from a sociopath to make you feel good about yourself is disaster, I mean I could have learned to love myself without the predator being a disturbed person, he could have just been your average playboy that would have taught me to never look for a man to make you feel good about yourself, but nooo it had to be the King of abusers, a lesson I will never have to learn again thats for sure
Feb 15 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
rache
rache's picture

wish i knew

HOW to love me.............
Feb 15 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

I Totally Understand That Rache

And its not that I hate myself. Its just when people say "learn to love yourself" - that is like Chinese to me. I dont get it. I am a caretaker. So its hard to put myself first. But here is something I have stumbled on that might be helpful. They say to tell yourself something often enough, and you will begin to believe it. So if you say to yourself (as freaking retarded as it sounds) and maybe even say this OUT LOUD when no one is around - tell yourself positive things like that you are a good person and deserve to be loved and treated with kindness, dignity, honesty, and respect. And that you are worthy of good treatment from others and from yourself. Maybe that will help. Supposedly, you subconscious mind will believe whatever you tell it (whether told / thought in your head, or muttered out loud). The subconscious doesnt know any better and believes whatever it hears. And by the same token, your subconscious will eventually bite you IN THE ASS in the long run if you are always talking smack to yourself in your head! (via succombing to depression from your subconscious mind being overloaded with negative thoughts leading to unhappiness, sad negative, defeatist, hopeless thoughts, and depression).
Feb 15 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
rache
rache's picture

Makes sense

to me.I'll start doing it-couldn't hurt.I too am a caretaker of others=conditioned from childhood and always was told to put others first and to NOt consider myself.It sure worked as thats what stuck.i guess we have to deprogram from childhood too.
Feb 13 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You have to save yourself in the end

The crumbs are just not enough anymore are they? After awhile you end up telling yourself this person offers me NOTHING, gives me NOTHING but shame and pain why am I doing this, is this making me happy? What am I gaining from this? All the answers are NO and NOTHING. I didnt want to leave and say goodbye but his disorder and horrible abuse he inflicted on me left me no choice. All the love in the world cant save these people so I had to save myself. They are indeed broken and can never be fixed. I gave him my heart and soul and trust and he gave me crumbs I had to beg for and deep betrayal. I knew finding the truth would set me free but I also knew in finding the truth and letting him know I knew the truth would cause him to vanish, and he did they always run from the truth. Nobody is special enough to ever make them face the truth. They would rather lose EVERYTHING that was good in their life rather than facing the reality of being exposed. Its an excruciating break up, there is no where to go with the violation and unimaginable deception that was done to you. I write and express my feelings out on this forum and know others in the world have even been destroyed worse than I was by them. He was such a sick man, his charm and acting skills were nothing but evil in disguise
Feb 13 - 3AM
neveragain
neveragain's picture

#3 #3 #3!

I just couldn't figure out where he'd gone....did I do something wrong?....Was he just in a bad mood for a long time?....Did his back hurt?.....Was his work not going well and he needed money?.....Did he want me to pay for our dates?....or at least my "share"?.....Did he not get enough sleep?.....Was it that he couldn't find his favorite pomegranet juice?.....Did my friends birthday party come at a bad time?.....Did my daughter call and make him feel left out?.....Was my best friends wedding inconveniet for him?...WHERE WAS THE GUY I MET(and fell in love with)?....WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? He wasn't real...he wasn't really there....he was faking it. Oh yeah...now I know...thanks to this site and all the research I've done. He's a narcissist. duh. neveragain
Feb 13 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Was he just in a bad mood for a long time?...

They have been in bad moods their WHOLE LIFE, so ya the real them is always in some kind of mood. One time I asked mine, where is the Fred (not his name) I met last year, where did he go? And he replied: I am right here I didnt go anywhere. Maybe he was saying that person is inside me but I dont want to show him to you now, God the whole thing is so sick. Will the person inside Freds body please speak up now and tell us who you are? ha ha ha
Feb 13 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Yup

And my brain ran this tape recording of all the questions you just listed, plus thousands more, from the time I started dating in my teens (with every guy I ever dated pretty much) all the way to now, at age 40. Luckily now I am educated enough on this "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", other personality disorders, and even the way of the Psychopath, to recognize, the problem is him, and not day to day problems we all encounter in life. The problem is him. He is the problem. And always will be. Because these type leopards just don't change their spots. So nice to finally know all this now! Since now I have peace. This knowledge gives me peace. Finally. The Beatles sang "All You Need Is Love" - but if they could re-write the song now, I'd bet they'd sing something like "All you need is knowledge, which brings peace".
Feb 12 - 9PM
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

#4 for me mostly.

#4 for me mostly.
Feb 12 - 7PM
Fawn
Fawn's picture

All of the Above

Now I understand that he strung me along just enough to keep me under his spell for YEARS! We started having kids as soon as we got married, after dating for 10 years, and that is when he really became abusive. I stayed because I so wanted a beautiful family and I thought that he would be a great dad. I should have realized that no one that self-absorbed could ever be a good parent, but I covered for him and made believe that we were a happy family. The turning point came when I went through breast cancer and he was unbelievably cruel to me, then turned on our then 13-year-old daughter and began abusing her too. Unfortunately, I had to go through a horrible illness and face my own death before I figured out that I deserved more.
Feb 12 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

Oh my gosh that's terrible.

Oh my gosh that's terrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you. F-him!
Feb 13 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

why we stay

I'd say for all the pathological men I've known: #2,3, 5 & 6 but if you discount their brainwashing and mind control - you are discounting 95% of why we stay. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 15 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

none of the above

i stayed because of his threats to kill my pets and me...which eventaully became an ugly reality....
Feb 15 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
rache
rache's picture

pets

I do not know why people like your ex and others who are so cruel seem to live despite the odds,but,maybe it is GODS way of giving them a chance before its too late,but,i think if they never choose to do right that they will probably have a spot in the hottest part of hell.