Where did all my bad memories of us go???

So, I should have had fun at the wedding, right? And I did somewhat but now I’m kinda wishing I didn’t go.
So I saw a lot of people that I’ve known since before I got married. And of course they wanted to talk about what happened. I really can’t even describe what “happened” that caused everything not to work. It’s a weird/confusing conversation. And to be quite honest, the further I get away from the divorce & breakup the less and less I remember.

One of my friends told me that “I guess I always thought you just kind of ran the show and just got tired of doing that.” Which of course if partially true. I DID get tired of taking care of every aspect of our lives but I probably could have kept that up.

The bad thing that keeps going around my head is that I feel like I screwed up his life, too. I feel like I made a commitment and broke it which is something that I’m not okay with. **This is a big issue I have yet to resolve – getting past the feeling of GUILT! **

Also, the further and further I get away from the relationship, the more I wonder if he really was a narcissist. Maybe *I* just made it sound like he was and my counselors kind of just went with it. I really don’t know anymore.

So I do realize that I have low self-esteem & confidence. Not quite sure why. I just do. It’s weird how my sister and I can both be from the same parents and she’s full of it while I am totally lacking. I’m not even sure where the hell to begin to fix THAT! I think you are either born with it, or born without it. Unfortunately, part of me wonders if I should have just stayed with him because, let’s face it, just like when I met him, no one else really has ever been interested in me. People tell me I need to get out and date but, let’s face it, it’s not like I exactly have anyone asking me out.

I’m going to call my old counselor today because I really need to talk about all of this stuff and get back to a better place. The worst thing is that I feel like I can’t remember all of the reasons I even filed for divorce and I am wondering if I was just better staying with him. We could have just had two separate rooms or something. … like roommates. Where did all of my reasons for divorce go??? Why can't I seem to remember anything anymore?