When You're Really Missing Him, Tell Yourself This

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#1 Dec 9 - 5PM
anonymous
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When You're Really Missing Him, Tell Yourself This

When I am in the deepest throes of missing him (magical thinking because the 'him' that I miss is just an illusion) I tell myself this:

WAKE UP Morty! Remember what he said when you were in the deepest pain you had ever felt before in your life at his doing. He said, 'I don't think I've done anything so bad here to warrant sad looks and being made to feel like the bad guy.'

Even IF none of what he did was intentional and even IF he's not disordered, do you really want to waste any more of your precious time on someone who doesn't have enough class to simply realize when he's treated a person badly?

Who doesn't have enough class to sincerely apologize for being a jerk?

Forget all of the other, more complicated stuff that goes along with the PD.... What about common decency?

No - I don't want to waste my time anymore on someone who either cannot, will not, or wasn't taught to display common courtesy to others.

Then, I stop yearning for him because it's pretty clear to see - he's a simply a jerk and I don't have any need or desire to associate with a jerk.

Dec 10 - 5PM
Susan32
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Being grateful

My paternal grandmother passed away this morning. This has been VERY triggering... since I remember how the ex-Psych professor mocked me, sent me to the on-site therapist (even she thought he was totally messed up), berating me, humiliating me in class, wishing I was dead, wishing I'd commit suicide... after my paternal grandfather died. Now that he hasn't been in my life for a decade... I'm thankful. I can grieve on my own time, in my own way. I have supportive friends and family. I didn't cut them off to please him. I am VERY VERY grateful. When my paternal grandfather died 14 years ago, it was painful, and the ex-P didn't want me to heal myself. Now I can heal myself.
Dec 10 - 5PM
Leah
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morty

Thanks for this post. I need to see things that way. It's really helpful. Thanks again, Leah
Dec 10 - 1PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

WOW, you are on a roll

That's great, you are sounding good. Keep it up. Let's talk about recovery. Be part of the solution not the problem. Awesome post!!!! God bless, Goldiee There IS life after NARC!!!!!
Dec 10 - 1AM
broken23
broken23's picture

I love this post. I read

I love this post. I read somewhere that all people, including someone as evil as hitler can a good quality. Does that make him good...no most people would say no. No quality could redeem their evil. Same way i think we miss our narcs, because there is that one time they were nice (even though it was probably self-serving) but we yearn for that. does it make them nice...no way. If you have to try sooo hard to find one good or redeeming quality, just means the good isnt there. Our brain can always remember the bad, because that is what they are, just bad selfish people.
Dec 9 - 8PM
anonymous
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And Another Thing

He never returned stuff he borrowed from others or that others lent him unless they begged for it. He even said, "If you lend me something, you will never see it again." He never sincerely thanked people when they did something nice for him. He never wrote a thank you note other than to send e-mails thanking me for fantastic sex (makes me sick now to think about it). If he asked friends or co-workers to go somewhere that required them to drive in bad weather, he never called them or e-mailed them to check to see that they made it home safely. He never recognized anyone else's birthday. He never gave gifts but was very happy to receive them. He DID, however, treat people to dinner but that was because he could put it on his business credit card and write it off.
Dec 10 - 5AM (Reply to #18)
onwithmylife
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My EXNarc

may have been slightly more human, if you want to put it that way, because he did remember my birthdays, gave me gifts, and sounded concerned about my getting home in bad weather and sometimes did call , i think he picked up those traits from his mother, because i asked his first wife, but as far as ever apologizing for the horrible treatment he gave me over all the years, NEVER once because i think in his mind, he did not feel he treated me badly. He has no clue. It was weird when he left my place, i asked him to after the year of verbal abuse, he took some of my stuffed animals with him,so strange and a fossil. when we got back together a year later I saw the fossil at his place and for amusement, asked him where he got it and he made something up,like he believed it.There is something serioiusly wrong with his brain. and i do not think he is even aware of it..
Dec 9 - 7PM
bb
bb's picture

ugh. So true! My ex

ugh. So true! My ex apologizes that I am upset over the break up, but he doesn't think he did a single thing wrong. And he forgot all the hurtful things he said/did for the past few months. He doesn't remember any of them. Only the things that revolve around him. I think that's one of the most upsetting things... I was the one apologizing to him for not being a good girlfriend, for getting upset when he yelled, for being hurt when he gave me the silent treatment, for being jealous about all the girls he was hitting on... ugh! and he accepted it, and told me not to do what I did to him to another guy.
Dec 9 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
anonymous
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Apologizing for Their Bad Behavior

I think that the fact that offenders make their victims feel like they have to apologize for the offenders' bad behavior is another classic sign of NPD; and if not that, a classic sign of a jerk at minimum. My ex narc apologized enough times, although they were all in writing, which again, is very easy to do. It's a lot harder to look someone in the eye and sincerely apologize - something he never did. But even his written apologies were all about him. "I'm sorry this is so painful." "I'm sorry we are both in pain." "I really apologize for emotionally manipulating you; it's something I've done all my life and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's something I should work on." But never, ever once did he say simply "I am very sorry that I treated you badly and hurt you." He implied it a couple of times and blamed his manipulation on his bi-polar and said it was unintentional and wrapped up in mania. Boy that sure made me feel better. For those Pride and Prejudice buffs out there, it's kinda like when Darcy says to Elizabeth "I love you, but did you really expect me to REJOICE in your family connections which are so decidely beneath my own?" At least she had the cajones to tell him to drag his a$$.
Dec 9 - 7PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

AMEN

AMEN AMEN AMEN...
Dec 9 - 6PM
onwithmylife
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hi morty

Loved your post, so true it all boils down to them being jerks, forget the jargon of narcissism, if they do not know they are intentialy hurting others with their horrible behavior and how could they not, then let them live their lives in aloneness and isolation because eventually they will ALL wind up like that, so help me GOD111
Dec 9 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Thanks OWML

Yeah - it was kind of an awakening for me in the past couple of months. I got so wrapped up in reading and reading and reading and while I think that was really helpful for me to understand what happened, it also caused me to lose sight of the simple fact that he acted like an a$$. I kinda forced myself to look beyond the *mystery* of it all and just ask, what kind of person repeatedly asks you to put such and such a day on your calendar to go to a concert together with friends, then dumps you, then doesn't gracefully uninvite you to the concert, and then comes to the office the day after the concert and tells you all about a cool show he went to last night (as if you never even knew about the show never mind had once been invited to it). Not a very nice person, that's who. And a completely unclassy one to boot. I really don't care if he ends up alone even though I'm sure he will. Honestly, I think he's happier that way anyhow. As a side, and more important note, how are you doing? Are things getting any better? This sure has been one hell of a ride and I'm waiting patiently for the day when I'm completely off it. =)
Dec 10 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
spinning
spinning's picture

Right on mort!

Thank you for starting this thread. So true. SO TRUE. It's also a great point about putting aside the "mystery" of it all and getting to the bottom line every time I think I'm missing something or wallowing in the woundedness of rejection. He is a cruel jerk; he is the disordered one, not me. There is NOTHING to miss and it truly is no MYSTERY that only a true COWARD dismisses a five year "relationship" via text messages. WHAT-(expletive)-EVER. Thanks again, Mort, and to all the commenters on this thread. It's strong and I need the strength today. Sincerely, (trying hard to stop) spinning

spinning

Dec 9 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

hi Morty,

Better than I have been for the last nearly 2 years of trying to recover from him, my epiphany came early this fall, thanks in large part to the board, my constant reading, and a hateful letter he sent me, because i had written him earlier that maybe he wants to revisit his relationship with his mother and perhaps that played out in his 5 relationships, so he was so hateful, called me slut, whore , offering frees sex on the internet, first come, first served,, that is the funniest one, it all shows you how LITTLE the man ever KNEW ME, well i guess since we are all objects, toasters perhaps, it does not really matter in the end, right? I must be doing better because I am actually finding this funnier when i think of the aggrevation and emotional distress i put myself through for so ,long. Keep in touch, always like to hear from you. all the best...........
Dec 9 - 5PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Kudos Morty!

Right on. Our body (like convulsions, right) "Missing" the psychopath. It is just their crap maniuputaion, hurt slung at us INTENTIONALLY that we are grieving. Remember, remember this. They do this intentionally. They know full well who they are, the hurt and manipulation they are capable of. They don't care if they drain your bank account, remove you from your family, or your job. They are out to destroy.
Dec 9 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
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When the psychopath is a TEACHER...

I'm glad I never got romantically/maritally involved with the ex-Psych professor, seeing all I've seen here. If I had given myself bodily to him, that would've been the highway to Hell. The ex-P makes my narcissistic grandmother and my narcissistic former boss look like saints in comparison, because they at least have consciences, to some extent. They haven't really set out to destroy other people... I may even be at my current job (which I LIKE) because my former Narc boss might've been the one to recommend me. He was probably a reference that my current employers called. And he didn't throw me under the bus. I don't hate him with a passion, despite him being a temperamental control freak. A Narc? Yes. Self-centered? Yes. Bad? Yes. But not evil. I reserve the ex-P THAT "special treatment." "They are out to remove you from your family, or your job. They are out to destroy."-The ex-P tried to remove me from my family (it didn't work, my sister and I are closer than ever, besides, I have an incredibly cute, lovable nephew) He tried to remove me from my job when I was in a teacher education at UNM. This was coming from a TEACHER. I guess what sparked my long-dormant anger, a la Krakatoa, was when I read the obit of a former classmate of mine. She had stayed behind to be a professor;she was closer to the ex-P than me. He fabricated a rivalry between us. She taught chorus. She wasn't murdered;she was found dead in her sleep. At the age of 40. No mention of cancer, aneurysm, anything like that. No cause of death given;no closure. I also read of a female student who was expelled for depression&anorexia.... something that ALMOST happened to me because of the ex-P. And he's still teaching...
Dec 10 - 2AM (Reply to #8)
blueeyes
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Susan

Get him fired! lol..I have got to go to bed nITE :D
Dec 10 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"Those whom the gods destroy..."

"They first drive mad." The ex-P had been in mental institutions before. Time for a return trip, now that Worcester State Hospital is getting renovated (they started in 2008)? Besides, the kids at UMass Medical need to study abnormal psychology, get their degrees... and he'd be the perfect specimen.
Dec 9 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Yes, They Do Know That They are Manipulative

I agree. Mine even said it - that's it's been a problem his whole life and not just with women. Of course he said it (actually wrote it, which sure is a lot EASIER) in a tone that made me feel sorry for him. Classic psychopathic ploy. Only a psychopath could successfully get you to feel sorry for him when he 'admits' that he has a problem with manipulating others. Awwww ... He added a beaut of a line to his plea for pity, "It's something I should work on." But he never has and never will.
Dec 10 - 1AM (Reply to #3)
broken23
broken23's picture

So true. Only a psychopath

So true. Only a psychopath could get you to feel sorry for them when he admits his problem manipulating others Early on, he told me i can make girls fall in love with me and break their hearts. My first reaction was ofcourse how arrogant, but with the right tone and tactics and pity scheme, i put that voice away and was like ohhh but ill be the one he loves forever...because i understand his pain. God they are soo manipulative. It amazes me everyday what garbage i was fed and how i just bought it.
Dec 10 - 1AM (Reply to #4)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yea Broken

I recall him sitting at my dining room table telling me he was a master manipulator...right over my head...think I even served him a nice home cooked meal after that admission...
Dec 10 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
victimnomore
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michele115

I remember my NH telling me how he manipulated the shit out of his girlfriend. It was after I put him out when I found out he had a girlfriend. And I let him come back. WTF?????

victimnomore

Dec 10 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Victimnomore

The beauty in all of this is what we've learned. They told us. Lesson: Listen carefully. Maya Angelou said: People will tell you who/what they are - BELIEVE THEM. We're human and we make mistakes. They've beat us down enough NO MORE! Hugs! you are a victimNOMORE