When you ''accidentally'' find an old email, message, voicemail--from when things were good :=(

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#1 Apr 15 - 9AM
Deidre40
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When you ''accidentally'' find an old email, message, voicemail--from when things were good :=(

I'm totally NC. Committed to it.

But, last night -- I was on this site. I was logging off, and decided to check my private messages from the site we both belong to. I thought I had cleaned out my 'sent' items. So, I looked at what was possibly left. OMG. I found two messages from LAST SUMMER when he first pursued me. This was right after we met when he met with mutual friends of ours, when he was in FL. We joined that site shortly thereafter together, when we realized we had fitness/exercise in common. (My other friend joined too)

I read the message over and over. I forgot we started talking all the way back then. I mean, I didn't forget. I didn't know we were talking so lovey dovey back then, though. And to see how he wrote. It was so telling. It was like he was already plotting, back then. (which he would always say he chased me for nearly a year before I said yes)

In this particular message, we were talking about his failed marriages. He said how he wished he could find forever love. How he thought he had with the 4th wife. How he was tired of learning 'life lessons' and just wanted real love. I replied...''I believe real love will tap us on the shoulder when we least expect it.'' His reply? ''When I see you next, I'll make sure to tap you on the shoulder.'' Ugh. My heart sank reading that. In a few ways. First...I missed him. Ugh!!! :=( Reading that, I so missed that charming man. Second...I caught myself, and stopped missing him, and realized that no one says this right off the bat. Only psychopaths do. To lure you in. There's no such thing as courting to a psychopath...it's all about the hunt. Hunt and courting are not the same things. <<< I'm sitting in my bed thinking like this last night. lol GET A LIFE DEE! I know. I know. ;)

I read that message over and over and over before finally deleting it. In that same back and forth note (like you know how the private message is ongoing...so there were many 'hidden' messages in the original message) I said...''you are a charmer.'' His reply? ''Women who know me think I'm the sweetest man they've ever met. But, I can also be a horrible prick.'' And he put a smiley face with a big toothy grin (emoticon) at the end of that.

UGH.

I wish I hadn't seen that.

Then, this morning. I'm home from work today, and turned my phone on when I woke up. There were three voicemails. And one was from him. But, it sounded like the one from last weekend. I checked the date/time...and it was from last Sunday, when all the breakup stuff was going on. I was like...why the hell didn't this phone delete that? I thought I deleted it! Saved calls must pop back up in the line up of new calls, and I had new vm msgs. I deleted it.

That message was very sobering. His voice was mean...he was breathing heavy. I was like...yep, I made the right choice. hahaha!

So, mixed feelings running into these two things by 'accident.'

Do you have any similiar stories? What feelings does it dredge up for you, when you accidentally run across something of a reminder of them? Like notes...messages...emails?

Apr 17 - 5AM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks

For posting this. Especially sobering: " Second...I caught myself, and stopped missing him, and realized that no one says this right off the bat. Only psychopaths do. To lure you in. There's no such thing as courting to a psychopath...it's all about the hunt." Your post today provided that contrats of how they (falsley) first are and when you heard that voicemail message...who they REALLY are. I am proud of you and No Contact. He will never be like that guy who sent you thos first emails..unless he wants something!
Apr 16 - 5PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

neverlookback

{{{neverlookback}}} Ugh...horrible. I'm sorry you went through that. What's interesting to note. Is that my ex would say perverse stuff too...largely involving anal sex. And I was opposed to it...and he just kept saying...''I need to plant my flag everywhere, because you're mine, now.'' I remember laughing at it at the time, though. I think you're so outraged, that laughter takes the edge off. At least for me. He also said...''either you get on the pill or you'll be having my baby.'' And at first, I thought he was joking. I'd laugh. He would say...I'm serious, Dee...the pill or you're buying baby bottles and diapers.'' I would say...seriously, you can't possibly want a baby. He said...I'd be there for you, marry you...no worries. At that moment, I knew having a baby meant MORE control for him. How sick! You know, I was somewhat missing him today. To my chagrin, I admit this. But, what keeps me from ever reaching out again, is remembering the pain he caused me. And you remembering the pain yours caused you...keeps you from reaching out. I think that as we continue to heal, neverlookback...we will see through men like this for the next time, should we ever run into a narc again. I didn't heal from last year. I went NC, but didn't do the work. This time, I'm doing the work. {{{hugs}}}
Apr 16 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

DOING THE WORK

It takes so much work and I am exhausted from it, so I get lots of sleep to rest my mind and body, and you should as well. I know thats is what I say, UGH, ISH, I am sorry I cant say I miss him lately, I miss what I wish he would have been, that PERFECT MAN I met 5 years ago that swept my heart away, THAT I will always miss but I didnt lose anything by leaving because I would have NEVER been with that perfect man, he never existed. You will have some struggles with your NC I wont kid you, knowing that contacting him will NEVER end your heartache and pain, NC WILL end it but it wont happen over night, very slowly it will come to you and little by little you will find peace and who you once were. I lost myself 5 years ago and I missed me. x0x0x0x0
Apr 16 - 11PM (Reply to #13)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Neverlookback

Yes, you hit on something for me too...I know who he is inside...but the outer package...I'm really disappointed that the outer package did not match the inner package or vice a versa... It is a shame...It's like finding a beautifully painted easter egg then finding out it is spoiled and rotten... I can't explain it... When I was with him, I loved all of him...I didn't realize that he was disordered and sadistic, and abusive and sick...had no clue because he was just that good at what he did... Then he started to unravel, and when I think about what he did, or tried to do...or did and messed me up, but not as much as he could have because I don't know to this day WHAT got me out but something did and I think that he expected I'd put up with the crap, beg him back mind you he was whoring around with a piece of garbage whatever... It's the outer package...and she can have him, and he can rot...and I say this with love...I'm not jaded, I don't want revenge, I don't care but yea, he can rot...BECAUSE I DON'T CARE!!! But yea, the outer package...very deceiving...and he wasn't all that handsome...but to me he was...but now he looks distorted...guess the inside is coming out... AND as each day goes by...I find I'm actually looking better and better and so will hurry up and heal while I still have some of it going on...and am determined to have that LAST laugh...even if he's not around to ever know...I WILL and that is what matters! Hugs!
Apr 16 - 4PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

I purposely

kept some of his messages on my phone, to hear his sick little voice on the other end ranting off the sickest perverted crap you can imagine. how would you like me to rough you up a little, then stick a dildo in your ass and my D in your P, would that make you wet baby? Such a classy man eh? THIS IS WHAT I AM GRIEVING OVER? This is why my NC is so painful? Because I miss those kinds of messages? Ya sure I want you to beat the crap out of me then stick it in every orphis I have, I mean that is what is really was about with him. There are other messages to, HI babycakes I need you today, or I am going to get off thinking about you,I miss the taste of you, and on and on and on ....... Indeed such happy warm loving messages I have when I listen to that, memories of a rapist comes to mind. I also kept the messages to save my butt just in case he may try to cause trouble in my life, I think his GF would just love to hear what he does on the side, I am going to keep them for a long long time too. I dont miss him when I hear his voice, it just serves to remind me of what I would go back to if I contacted him and how painful the relationship was. So No thanks I think I will stay NC thank you very much
Apr 16 - 10AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

ifinallygotit!

OMG...That's so wild reading that you experienced that too. At first, he told me...''I love to get little emails let's me know you're thinking of me.'' In turn, he'd say...''I love sending emails, to let you know I'm thinking of you.'' He took his laptop with him on this business project, and do you know for an entire 5 weeks, I have rec'd ZERO emails? hahaha Whatta joke. Not even a simple one. Nothing. But, he wanted nude shots, and everything else of me. *eye roll* I also remember his texts. Unless he felt threatened by me leaving him, his texts were quick and to the point. And the SAME THING every morning. ''Morning, getting dressed and going to work. ttyl love you.'' I mean, really? Don't even bother if this is what you're going to write everyday. It was like he couldn't think of anything else? In the beginning, he'd write 'Hi beautiful,' and variations thereof. But, the last month, he was mechanical, boring, and just probably thought...she loves me, I don't need to play this courting game anymore. They hear us say I love you...and it literally sets of alarms in their heads that the chase is over, and they can treat us anyway they please.
Apr 16 - 9AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

emails and voicemails

Are all only one line long! Everything was superficial - no effort, no special messages but a few friendly voicemails and illiterate emails...in 10 years. When he left town permanently while I was out of town got an email " went on a job interveiw..." that is all! When I poured my heart out to him in Nov, got back: "you have a nice day to..." I think there is more trauma in what was never said then what was... plus who does not know the difference between "to" and "too"????
Apr 16 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

to vs too

omg...he did the same thing. never used those TWO words correctly. hahaha were we dating the same man? :P
Apr 16 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

texts

the only time I received timely replies were: 1. when he felt guilty for not letting me come over when my power went out. I had to go a drugstore freezing at 10pm to buy a space heater. After he refused to help, he texted all night long about what kind of heater did I buy, safety issues, what I should do blah blah 2. In December I lied to save face and said I was accepting out life changes (after he had been ignoring me all Fall after his move). He replied instantly to that one, it struck a nerve to hang on or maybe to have less guilt? not sure which Almost all texts to me were emotionless one liners - never sweet ever. We were together so long that texting was not happening when we first met... If I was ill I would get "feel better" never do you need anything...maybe he just never gave a crap about me...he did bring me liquids if I got really sick but would not stay long as he always had guy friends over watching the game at his house. I was last on his list...
Apr 15 - 11AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

How foolish I was...and I see that you are making real connections, and all of this in reading today's post from you helps cement and confirm and clarify things for me. Yes, you are right, only a psychopath does these things, the superficial charm, the failed marriages, the woulda coulda shoulda's the poor me...the bullshit! I remember clearly when our stuff was in tatters, his talking about how he loves the chase. Today I stand tall, I stand proud - he can kiss my ass and I hope he spends the rest of his life chasing his tail for the dog he is. I am not angry though, I just call it as I see it and I am very happy and relieved to have found myself...there is still more work to do, but I believe in me and feel good about me more today then I have in my entire life...and so despite whatever his issues are...the joke is still on him... "Can't Touch This" MC Hammer...;) Hugs
Apr 15 - 11AM
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

Hi Deidre I have kept the

Hi Deidre I have kept the long run of emails that passed between us when he was first pursuing me. It hits hard when you read or hear something from them because you begin picturing them and reminiscing again. It's good that you have the strength to delete. Sounds like you are on the right track! I kept the run of emails though because when I reread them in the cold light of my awakening, I saw a definite pattern. There would be paragraphs of flattery and then a subtle push forward - When can I ring you? Then: when can I meet you? Then: this is what I want to do to you... It's all there and what I first thought was a wonderful and tender record of two lost loves reunited after 25 years can now be reread as a carefully calculated manipulation. Maybe he kept it too- his methods worked. He's probably reused it all- just changed the name! lol. I know I should delete it but actually (whenever his words echo through me- and they still do 14 months later) I reread it and I see the lies in every single word. Believe it- you certainly made the right choice!
Apr 15 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I honestly didn't know I

I honestly didn't know I still had those old old messages. Even I was writing differently. lol Who were these two people, I thought? A girl so desperate for male validation, and a man more than eager to prey upon that. When you get down to it. lol I would highly recommend...getting rid of all of it. Because, when you have 'real' reminders...it tells you what you had was real. It HAPPENED. But, it wasn't real true love. I can't go on looking at real concrete reminders of something fake. Something abusive. When you said...he would say...when can I ring you...I thought he meant 'ring' as in engagement ring. lol I say that because my recent exN said often...''I'm going to wife you.'' After one month, he said this. After 4 failed marriages...gosh darn, I feel so special. lol In some ways, I wish this never happened. But, if it didn't...I wouldn't have faced my childhood. So for that, I'm grateful for the experience. The pain, ugh. Grateful for pain? But, grateful to learn about myself and hopefully heal for good. @ michele...you are right...there's lots of work to still do...but, your example and others here. show me...i can do this. :)
Apr 16 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

For Deidre - rings...

You are right. I should get rid of the emails though I think I am strong enough now to look at them cynically. I have had to do the same as you and look into my past so I have learnt from it all too. What you said about the ring is interesting since he did promise me one. He was going to buy it that Christmas as a symbol that his love was enduring. We never got that far. I've heard that Ns often promise a ring. Maybe it's worth a thread. Why do they do this? And exactly what does happen once you accept the ring? I had a feeling this was going to be some kind of bargain...
Apr 15 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
JLMNY1
JLMNY1's picture

My exN and I were long

My exN and I were long distance for months so I had hundreds of emails from him. And texts. I deleted most of the emails at the time because it was so much, but I did save a few. I also found a few when we were going through the breakup, which made me even more heartbroken over the whole thing. I looked a few from the breakup earlier this week. Email was such a big part of our lives while we were long distance. It's also how we started our break up talks. It's hard comparing the two- it seems like I was talking to two different people in the emails from when we were first together compared to the breakup emails. It's too hard to look at any of them anymore. I haven't deleted them yet, but I'm not going to look at them again either. Last night I made a real effort to stop thinking about everything when I tried to go to sleep. Whenever it popped in my mind, I took deep breaths and let it go. It's a big effort but I slept better.