when a narcissist wants to apologize

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#1 Sep 3 - 4AM
alma25
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when a narcissist wants to apologize

I past a link something that I read from time to time when I feel weak. It helps me. Maybe it'll help some of you too.

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/the-narcissists-apology-t11931.html

Sep 4 - 11AM
Nicole96
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This is a nightmare

This is all too much. I cant believe the mind games they play. And it NEVER ends! It's so warped. I still cant sleep through the night. I had my underlying fears throughout the relationship... i thought to myself at times "I'm screwed" but NEVER did i think my story with him would take this turn. Never did i see all of this coming. It is so hard to comprehend how this can all happen. Currently I am afraid to see or talk to my N. We still have unfinished business to take care of (house, cars, etc.) but im really sick to my stomach knowing what he is up (seeing someone else, a girl he stole from a friend/co-worker and a girl who is so ignorant and childish she is only good for blind loyalty) and how he is treating me these days. It is so clear he is trashing me in his mind and to others. It is clear i mean absolutely nothing to him now... after 2 years as a devoted friend then 9 years as a devoted loving girlfriend. It is so obvious he ditched me because i started peeling off the mask. i am no use to him now.
Sep 3 - 10PM
loveofmylife
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wow

what an amazing letter. My Narc could have written this himself. This sounds exactly like what he is thinking - scary isn't it? This is a keeper!
Sep 4 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

OMG I just thought the same thing..

and the part about do things to make you wonder if hes behind it. That made me think about the unkown call I received on my cell yesterday. All day long I wondered if he was behind it. Then I thought What purpose would it serve to him? Now I think I get it...So I would wonder if it was him and that way it would keep him in my thoughts. Maybe even prompt me to text which I did not do though I wanted to. Today is day 8 and that one little phone call which may or may not have been him has got me all crazy again. If it was him mission accomplished. Amazing how these people cannot even speak to you and still have a way of making you crazy!
Sep 3 - 12PM
empty68
empty68's picture

Wow....it's as if my xN wrote this himself!!

Ugh...how and why oh why did I waste 9 years of my life with this disordered person? How disordered I've been!! :(

```Live,Laugh,love```

Sep 3 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
Nicole96
Nicole96's picture

Wasting 9 years

I feel the same way right now. I HATE thinking that i cant look back and have any fond memories of what we shared. I dont want to have to burn every picture every love note, etc. I spent a third of my life loving this person and for what? HE threw me away like garbage and then moved on to his next supply in 2 weeks! I want to vomit!
Sep 3 - 7AM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Yikes

Thanks Alma, great article. The format of it was almost identical to dozens and dozens of crazy emails I got after I left (started out nice, ramped up into nastyness--all in one email!) I don't even take apologies for granted anymore after living with Narcs.
Sep 3 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
tynk3377
tynk3377's picture

the apology e-mails...

I remember them well... I am so so sorry for hurting you... now continue to read the 20 page letter enclosed of all the things YOU did wrong in this relationship which is why *I* acted the way *I* did and treated you so bad... there never was a *gee I acted like a dick I'm sorry*. always it was some how twisted to be my fault.
Sep 3 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
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Twisted apologies

From the ex-Psych professor, it would always be- "I acted inappropriately because you acted inappropriately" "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" "You're embarrassing yourself" After awhile, I told him I was *SICK* of apologizing, and I'd say with obvious sarcasm, "I'm sorry I'm human. I'm sorry I have feelings." He wanted ME to do ALL the apologizing. I'd say sarcastically, "how manly! Not taking responsibility for your actions!" From freshman to senior year, he blamed for EVERYTHING that went wrong. To quote the book "Whom not to marry"- "Never marry a man who does not apologize."
Sep 3 - 7AM
jen79
jen79's picture

wow

this is scary. I am sorry for them. I really am. I always wanted to be like him, brushing somone of with a wink of an eyelash, but you know what? I might have loved too much and I payed the price for it in believing in the goodness and I fell deep, as much as I loved, as much did I suffer. But damn it, I am person who is capable of deep emotions, and I would not like to change that with this empty shell of human existing the narc has to deal with all his life.
Sep 3 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Feeling sorry

When I TRIED to get the ex-Psych professor to apologize, he'd say "I'm not your puppet" and then I'd engage in emotional bribery, basically saying that if he wanted me to admire him, to get his beloved NS, and "move on" (to quote him),he'd have to apologize. I was being like a dealer shaking a druggie down, saying, "Pay more... pay more.. oh, you're broke? Pay more, with interest." What's odd was that I did NOT want to be like the ex-P. I have deep emotions. He is simply existing;I'd rather be LIVING. To quote Carlos Santana, "Life is for the living." There are times when I'd looove to force him to look back at what's he done, even if it absolutely kills him and drives him back to the madhouse. The ex-P acted against HIS OWN BEST INTERESTS. If he had done fake remorse/fake apologies, he could've gotten some NS from me. I wouldn't have "turned" on him and called him a lying, arrogant bully to his face (and by postcard 3 years later, and to add salt to the wound,named some former professors who were more deserving of tenure than him, which he had just got) There's an article in the recent New Yorker about a psychopathic psychologist who coldly killed his wife. He managed to bungle it and get himself caught. Sounds like the ex-P, who engaged in magnificent self-sabotage. He was afraid, deathly afraid, that I'd go behind his back and say BAD THINGS about him, that I'd MOCK him... he was good at self-fulfilling prophecies.
Sep 3 - 6AM
Alibi_10
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This was useful alma

I posted yesterday about whether an apology was genuine. ... and had some useful responses. This was a real eye opener. Thanks for posting it
Sep 4 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Excellent article, Alma

That was heavy duty and right to the point.I remember my ExN sent me this beautiful letter after we had no contact fo the whole summer into the fall, I left his place one night after horrible treatment and niave me I thought he had changed, was I a fool, he was fine for while longer and then took off and left me in the dust, he must hae been real lonely without someone to control or else missed the sex.