when the D&D you, but they don't leave

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kiwi10
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when the D&D you, but they don't leave

I just thought, for those of you who are sad that they left you I would tell you what it's like to live with them for years after they devalue you (or atleast how it was for me)
I think you go crazy trying to get their attention. For me, I spend copious amounts of energy on my looks. Then he started to tell me I was vain and shallow. I almost became like a histrionic myself. I would sit on his lap and beg him to give me attention, beg for sex, and just generally stare at him waiting for him to look at me. Then, I would go crazy looking through his things, spying on him, etc. Sometimes i would find things of a questionable nature, sometimes not. I obsessed over husband, I forgot who I was. I despised him, I despised myself. I got so insanely jealous we could barely leave the house. Usually we would fight. sometimes, i was so crazy, that he hadn't done anything wrong! He also despised me. My friends told me they couldn't take it anymore. They told me they didn't recognise me and it hurt them too much to spend time with me. It didn't matter anyhow because they just got in the way of me obsessing over my husband. When we last visited my family he made joked about raping and torturing my neices 16 year old friend while snuggling in bed. Then my nieces friend said he was 'leering' at her, and when i gently told him, he raged at me. how dare i even think he would do such a thing after he made a joke about raping her the night before?
I was a horrible friend. I couldn't feel empathy MYSELF! I was constantly in crisis mode. I got sick all the time. i looked like a barbie doll with blank eyes. I almost litterally lost it. Then, when he finally did leave, I had put every7thing I had into my marraige and loving him and trying to make it work, only to (seemingly) push him away more, that I tried to kill myelf. I wanted to die. I felt like my life was over.
It's a blessing when they let go and leave you. If mine had done that I would be SO much better off. I just thought I would post that to give some of your hearts some comfort. love you guys...

Tinker
Tinker's picture
D&D
I told my N that I was on the edge and considering suicide and he said being unstable was unattractive. I so feel for you and what you did for him. I never felt that kind of obsession and love for anyone before, why is that? He controlled me by IGNORING me! isn't that crazy? It truly made me crazy, he was all I could think about and every other part of my life suffered. Lost weight, constant stomach pains. I had to work but spent every minute I could in bed for weeks after the last big blow up and am only now climbing out of it. You will too. There is truly a wonderful life after N's! Be so good to yourself in every way possible. marissa
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture
yes the ignoring is horrible
yes the ignoring is horrible but if you really think about it when they are ignoring you they are trying to let you know you dont matter but in reality its the exact opposite when they ignore you consciously it shows that absolutely do matter so much so that they have to make a concentrated effort to make you think you dont. There thinking is so twisted. The only thing that has kept me NC is knowing that my silence is screaming at him "You're not in control Narc Boy! You no longer matter to me!" From everything Ive read they really do hate that. If you think about they use the tool on you that bothers them most
Scoop
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sick of it
Spot on , excellent post xx
Scoop
Scoop's picture
sick of it
Spot on , excellent post xx
apple
apple's picture
sick of it~ Question
I'm confused in regards to your post. I always kind of thought the same thing but what's the difference between what you said and the final D&D? Does my question even make any sense? lol
gettinbetter
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final D&D
WeIll eventually there is a final D&D usually when they have someone who is better supply but not always. In my case there were minin D&D's over and over. Everytime I would think this is we're done and then he would turn back up suck up a for a little and then do it again. Eventually it did come to an end. BUT this time around... and this will back up my theory that they are never truly done with you in their minds. Mine came back after 15 years. Now I will say this.. I initiated a fb friend reuquest. I was curious and had absolutely no intention of anything romantic. Just wanted to see how his life had played out so far. Well of course he wasnt married. He is extremely good lookin 43 and not married. RED Flag. Anyway he slowly realed me back in. Everything seemed so sweet at first that he would still love me so many years later but it didnt last. The phone calls became less and then it turned to texting only. (so freakin weird) I have found that whenever a say anything that he takes as critcism or offends him in anyway Im in for a period of him ignoring me. He will not answer texts nothing like I dont exist. One time for 2 months when I had finally reached my low and sent him a text that I was gettin of FB to go and get what he wanted a pic or whatever I got a text back in 10 seconds. The last time I went no contact for 9 days I sent a text that said HI. I got a text in 10 seconds. Once he throws me a few I love yous hes done for awhile. What he really like is for me to send him texts about how much im hurting. Ive learned it feeds his ego. Everytime this happens I never know if its the last. I am NC 10 days now. Friday I got a call to my cell that said Unknown number I never get those. I dont know if it was him but it was strange. My guess is he just wanted to make sure I hadnt changed my number as I had threatened to before. Im sure when heard my voicemail he felt all warm and cozy and he didnt even have to talk to me. He just needs to know he has access to me just in case he needs me for supply Anway Im rambling. I have know idea if this is the final d&d It will be for me as long as I remain no contact.
apple
apple's picture
D&D question
Thank you!! I appreciate you clearing that up for me!! Mine also went from phone calls to texting until I finally just stopped asking for him to call. xxA
gettinbetter
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cherryblossom
So you are rid of him?
apple
apple's picture
sick of it~
I believe I am. He actually came to see me for the first time EVER!! I thought WOW he is actually making an effort here. I thought that we had a nice time besides him grilling me over other guys. I told him when he asks me questions it makes me think that is what he is doing. Anyways, he talked like we might have a future and then NOTHING!!!! I texted him to make sure he got home okay and not a word and now nothing in three weeks. I have been just sick about it and so confused.
cluelessuntilnow
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final d&d
I am not sure if I believe in it anymore. That there is ever a final D&D.
Scoop
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I did about 3 months of him
I did about 3 months of him sticking around after one of the d&d , it was hell (he came back in the end it was a strange time of him withholding sex and flirting infrount of me which i now know is a classic passive agressive behaviour ) We would act like man and wife but at bed time i would but on my pjs and he would don his batman pants and we would cuddle like normal , it was a very strange time , he cracked on the sex thing before me but that was because sex was so rubbish i could take it or leave it (cronic premature ejaculation ha ha )During that time i aged about 5 years , the abuse was worse than when we where "together" The thing with narcs is they will never really leave , it is us that have to go , why would a narc leave when he knows we are such a rich sorce of supply just wating in the wings for him to come back to us , this supply gives then a massive boost , dont give the flea a boost , cut him off ...ohhh new phrase ... "frontline the flea "!!!! just put it on the back of the neck when they are asleep and slip out of the door ...
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture
scoop my situation was a little different
i actually 'unmasked' him during our marriage. you can read my story, but he beat the holy hell out of me and i didnt call the police but instead kept the pictures as blackmail, which is why i'm getting a decent divorce settlement. I was hoping, in spite of that, that we could go to counseling and work things out, however, it didn't happen. i just remember walking into a room and him looking at me like he wanted to vomit. i think he stayed with me as long as he did to try to let the abuse statute fall off (which it won't for another year).
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture
Fierflie- EXACTLY
I am sick all the time. I WAS until July, exactly the way you explained. I am on the way up but its onle been a few weeks. Already differnce! Thanks