what we seek out

I had been drinking over the weekend, and I had some strong triggers that reminded me of xN...I know I would have never done this sober, but I texted him that I had been thinking about him...we went back and forth a few times and his texts were basically about poor him and how he is not good for anyone or anybody...(I heard that he had a bad breakup with the OW after me whom he apparently was so "in love" with..the whole thing left me feeling so stupid..him crying on my shoulder about her and his bad luck with women...nothing about me or how I was doing..I've been trying to figure out what drives me to do this...when I know the outcome...I guess I just want to hear from him that he did love me, that he still cares for me too...that he is sorry for how he treated me...but that will never come and my self esteem just goes lower...it really is so hard to move on from these creeps..for me it's the cold hearted rejection from someone I felt very in love with...it's hard to even look in the mirror today knowing that I fed his ego by breaking NC and handing him that power on a silver platter..he obviously doesn't care if I fell off the face of the Earth...so what am I still after here? Oh, and I asked him if I could call him and he said "No not today"....wow how low can I go?