This is what sticks out in my mind... was it me or him?

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#1 Mar 10 - 6AM
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture

This is what sticks out in my mind... was it me or him?

This is what sticks out in my mind...
Any input would be GREATLY appreciated as I am struggling with it all so much.

(1) He hated kissing, greetings, departing-- anything like such.
**I used to wonder if he had issues from childhood and was never taught how to properly act.

(2) sex was very-- it felt like I was in a porno-- all the time. It was not very touching or loving-- it was hard and strong-- exactly like a porno.
**I actually liked it a lot BUT sometimes a woman needs gentle & loving. He used to tell me I was the best playmate ever because I did things others didn't-- was I wrong to do them? I dunno. I really did kinda like it.

(3) I would always feel inadequite. Like, he always made me feel as though there was somebody better than me for him--
**but at the same moment I would feel like we had a deep connection and he resented me for it. It felt like he was the man for me. I actually felt/feel this way so strongly sometimes.

(4) He would tell me such deep private things-- then disapear for days after. Like he had to hide from what he had told me.

All I keep thinking is that I can see inside to him. I can't stop my brain from thinking "I know that deep inside this man is hiding the good man he can be" why do I keep putting mself through this????

He wont let the good side out I know this-- I KNOW THIS-- so why do I still struggle with it? Why do I still feel like I am the one that wont let him down?

I am NC from 2/14 and all I keep telling myself is that he is ALL WRONG FOR ME.

So why does my head use common sense and my heart want to fling it all right out the window???

Ready for this? I wont see him even if he asked because at the moment I dont think I look good enough. Forget the fact that I get asked out all the time-- It's not real if it does not come from him.

Does this feeling ever pass???

I feel like a little kid screaming "LOOK AT ME!!!! LOOK AT ME!!!! I'M RIGHT HERE AND I AM PRETTY, SMART, HAVE A GREAT JOB, A NICE HOUSE, I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!!!!!"

Why do I feel like I'm not good enough for an @$$hole???

Will it ever pass?

Mar 10 - 11PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

YOU are too good for this

YOU are too good for this arsehole !!!! you know it, we know it, and I bet he does to. So start believing what you said. YOU ARE WORTH MORE and you have tons of love to give to a real person. HE IS NOT A REAL PERSON
Mar 10 - 7AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Beam, yes, it will

pass but you must be willing to do the work. All the things you said about yourself are TRUE. You have been gaslighted and brainwashed so you do not cognizantly believe your own dialogue. You know you're good and smart and pretty and you also know this guy is bad bad bad for you. Many of the items you bring up above are true in my case, too. Your disordered one may be borderline. There are some excellent resources on the message board about BPD's. It may click for you. Read the blogs here written by Lisa. They're excellent and she's been through it. Be kind to yourself. Take it one moment at a time. Keep reading all you can and it will click. You have made the first most difficult steps going NC. Stick with it and you will see the true beam of light that you are! I send you the good vibes and a huge hug. Sincerely (finally slowing down from) spinning

spinning

Mar 10 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture

Oh spinning thnak you so very

Oh spinning thnak you so very much. (((hugs))) I need this.