What should I do, why doesn't he go away and why doesn't this get easier with time?

I know NC works best when it's total NC...more than you not contacting them, it's preventing them from contacting you. I am not sure why I have found myself unable to just block his emails completely, I still have them "filtered" into an email folder that I don't see unless, like today, I happen to be sorting work-related emails.

The N emailed me this morning. I have not seen him since January, have not emailed him since April, and have been NC since mid-April. I have received emails and texts from him...first they were sucking up type polite emails, then they were more demanding of me to contact him, the last was very neutral in tone, with him emailing me late at night wanting to know if I was "available to talk"...that was 10 days ago...and now this morning I got an email from him that is I suppose his way of exacting a D&D on me without my active participation via a response.

I am a real estate agent, I was even his real estate agent for several years. I have never refused a real estate related favor of him, and he knows how much I love helping people.

This morning, he emailed me to let me know a friend of his was looking for a house to rent and could I direct him to a link where he could search. He made sure to mention she is a single mom with one child, so whether it is his new supply or not, certainly he wants me to think so.

In just a few sentences, he managed to convey his intent to injure me...this would not be a new tactic for him...he's done similarly hurtful things before...except this time he is not going to get a response from me.

I still can't bring myself to block his emails...it is a morbid fascination at this point, to watch his pathology progress. I am not flattered in any way that he is still hoovering for supply from me after 6 months...rather, I am bothered by it, and bothered that his emails still provoke some sort of an anxious feeling in me, however I see his behavior for what it is; a pathetic attempt at a D&D.

I am the one that got away, and I am staying away.

The description of his "friend" (I was once a "friend" too) does not fit any of the people I would have suspected as source of potential or recycled supply for him, so perhaps it really has taken him all this time to target a new source. His email to me was utterly see-through in what it was meant to convey.

I realize he is not going to just let go and let me be, not if he feels I have given him some sort of narcissistic injury. Again, I do not know why I have not just gone ahead and blocked his emails...for whatever reason, it seems important to me to observe his strange behavior. I think it validates for me that he is an N. and is behaving like a N.

I also think that a paper trail demonstrating his continued attempts at contact might be important, should he continue to reach out to me with "work-related" reaasons...eventually, I would be able to show a pattern and call it harassment, which is what it already is.

There is really no escaping him going through other agents to indirectly "get" to me or using people in need of real estate services to reach out to me for what he may justify as legitimate "work-related" reasons.

This whole thing just makes me wish I had never met him to begin with. If only I knew then what I know now, and saw the signs for what they were sooner.

I feel as though there is no way to truly "protect" myself from him. I don't know what I should or shouldn't do now...I am concerned that if I block his email, I won't see if he is escalating in his behavior, and in not knowing if he is emailing me or not and what he is saying or not...my imagination would run wild and be worse than the reality of the situation.

Tonight, I made a generic inquiry to the police in the city where he works...and was told that I would have to initiate any sort of a harassment complaint...in the town where I live.

I really don't want to have to divulge information to the police...this is a guilty secret for me...and even more so for him. I am not sure however to convey the nature of the "harassment", without at some point admitting to a 5 year affair with a married man.

I feel like I am backed into a corner, damned if I do something damned if I do nothing. It has been since Januray since I've seen him...it's June now, and I have not emailed or spoken with him or responded to him since April. I don't know if I am at risk of being physically harmed which makes me reluctant to block his emails, and if I don't block his emails, I remain vulnerable to being emotionally and spiritually harmed, as I am feeling now.

I am hoping there is someone on this forum who has been through this and willing to offer some clearheaded advice.

I am not able to think clearly about this, and it is definitely adversely affecting me in other areas of my life. Every time I think I am making progress, I allow something like a stupid email to set me back.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thanks in advance for your guidance.

sara-smile's picture

I've been trying to explain these exact same feelings for months and I couldn't put it into words. I know exactly how you are feeling! I have the same thoughts and fears about my Narc. I kept taking his emails, text messages and phone calls because I wanted to keep up with him and his moods and KNOW what he was thinking! Yes, some of it was because I just wanted to know BUT I felt safer and calmer if I knew what kind of mood he was in or what he was thinking. I always said I was in a lose lose situation with my Narc because of these feelings. If I went NC I was a nervous wreck....if I talked to him I was a wreck. We work together so I worry about making him mad and him ruining my reputation at work or telling things I was stupid enough to tell him when we were together. Because of this he hasn't left me alone since we broke up! He has harassed me, stalked me, sucked me back in multiple times, and made my life a living hell! I FINALLY said NO MORE and I went to my HR at work this past Monday. We are in the process now of putting a stop to his craziness....at least at work. You just get to the point where you have enough and you SNAP and can't take it anymore. It's miserable. I swear he knows when I'm doing better because that is when he comes back around! It's amazing! When you live like I lived and like you are living now it's like still being in a relationship with them. It's physically and mentally exhausting!! It is NO WAY to live. You've got to break the tie. You've got to take your life back. It took me MONTHS and MONTHS of endless insanity from him before I did anything about it. Now that I have finally reported him I feel a sense of relief!! You need to tell him to leave you alone in a non-hostile email. Explain to him that you are done and you want him to quit contacting you. SAVE THAT email. If you have to you can threaten to tell his wife! That is a lot of ammunition! If he doesn't stop the you can get a restraining order that will protect you. The thoughts of a restraining order a month ago would send me into a panic but not today. I have had ENOUGH! It's all about how much you can take and when you are ready to make him stop! I promise if you want your life back and some peace and quiet then you will start the steps to make him stop. It's worth it. I finally have some peace and quiet!! He may contact me again but if he does I"m going straight back to HR. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so stressful. PM me anytime you need to talk. I know exactly how you feel! Good luck! Take your life back for your sanity!!!! Sara
SoaperGirl's picture

My email program allows me to put anyone on permanent delete. As soon as an email comes in, it is filtered and if I have a "rule" in place to permanetly delete an email from a certain individual...well, poof, it is gone before I ever have a chance to look at it. The sender is none the wiser. works great!
TNR1's picture

Not sure I am the best person to address this but I completely understand about fearing to block him. That is what I went through with Mr. N. Unfortunately, my fear of blocking him led to him gaining a foothold back into my life and now I am being treated worse then when we first met. Somehow in the back of my mind I thought I could handle it...but I admit I have taken several steps backwards in my recovery. I say that because whatever you are fearing will happen if you block him will not nearly be as bad as what you will experience should you let him back in. Please do yourself a huge favor and block him permanently...it may raise all kinds of feelings in you, but those will be temporary and you will be able to move forward. Hugs
Redhead1's picture

Don't be so hard on yourself. It took a year for me to accept the narc for what he was and be ready to move on. I was pretty miserable in that year up until the last two months. Time and Total NC is the only way to go. Hoovers will trigger you, but it will be less stressful each time. Hang in there and block him. If he shows up call the police. By blocking him, you will avoid future episodes that mess with your head like this one. Not meaning to sound nasty, but that is why they say total NC. XOXOXO-it will get better!