what NC has revealed

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#1 Mar 17 - 1PM

Belinda

what NC has revealed

After 10 years with psychopath, I declared No Contact with the monster, so it has been 13 wks now.

I am so scared cause the only clarity that has been revealed to me is
- that he is more evil & non human(difficult to believe, but so true, esp. now that I am not in denial)
- that I am not Me anymore!(scary!)

I honestly feel non human myself.
I feel empty, I feel like I am nothing, my intelligence has evaporated, MY personality- its like seriously I lost it!

Where did I go?

Will I ever come back?

Am I now nothing but a crazy loser?

I have never been unemployed, but just prior to xmas I was let go by company (restructuring)
I havent even applied for unemployment benefits or for any jobs......I feel totally worthless.

I told family Dr. that I needed a referral to the Tramatic Stress Service. He referred me and 1st appt. to see if I qualify for service is next wk.

I am so out of it that I cant even explain what I have been through. I havent the words to describe. I am afraid I'm not going to get the help I need at this upcoming appt.cause it is so hard to describe verbally, plus I feel no one is going to believe me.

I just want to be Me!!

This is so unbelievable!

By now I should be feeling on top of the world, but now I have to find the strenght to even be a part of it!

This doesnt make sense.

He did say that I am ruined forever!
Sorry but is this true? It feels like it but is it true?

Thank you

BeLinda

#2 Mar 20 - 7AM

BlueMoon

meds

I tried different meds since I was in my 20's to ease PTSD from an N father and absent mother...finally I found the right one! I have absolutely no more anxiety, no more depression...things roll off my back...it saved my life, like Barbara said. I was very skeptical about meds because nothing seemed to be working...but one little 60 mg pill a day- Cymbalta for me, has literally changed my life in the course of four weeks. There is always a new classification of anti-depressants coming out, each more effective than the last. There is no shame in taking meds- no more than taking them for diabetes or high blood pressure...it is a medical issue, period, that needs to be addressed...a simple readjustment of seratonin, and sometimes norepinephrine (sp?), in one's biochemistry. I can't believe the change in my life.

#3 Mar 18 - 11AM

herlatestvictim

You are not ruined forever!

My situation has only been going on for 8 months.. but I have been in therapy for the last 2! After only 6 months, I was a mess and thought I would never recover. I can't imagine how you must feel after 10 years! I can tell you that you are not alone, you were a victim and are a survivor. I WANTED meds, I wanted anything to help ease the pain. What really helped me was sitting with a therapist and explaining my story to someone who would not judge and just listen as I put my stuff out there. We are as sick as our secrets. Things will get better, slowly. It's a roller coaster of emotions, even as you heal. I am not there yet but I see things with clarity now and am no where near the shape I was in 2 months ago. Good luck. Remember, you did nothing to deserve this. He is not capable of loving anyone.

#4 Mar 18 - 1AM

wallaby (not verified)

Maybe you should ask about med's?

You have been in hell and now you are in limbo. It's like your paralyzed from it all. I feel terribly for you and also think you may be suffering with depression. Obviously no one on a website can diagnose that - but most family doctors can and will prescribe anti-depressants. I am not a big fan of medications - but do see that at some times they are necessary to help the brain deal with extreme reactions or having been put out of whack. If you feel non-functional and are not able to take care of yourself (no sure if you have kids) I think they might be able to help get you to the next level of being able to cope - just a thought - maybe one you could bring up with your family doc as it sounds like a)you've broached topic with him already and b)you don't have the werewithal to start rounding up a psychiatrist who can prescribe them. Most trauma counselors can't prescribe med's (unless they are MD's which is rare) but probably could give you a good referral within the clinic if they work in one. Quicker route may be through your doc though. I would be eager to hear Barbara's input on this. I don't think I've seen med's discussed much on this site in the couple weeks I've been here. Hang in there - it will get better - you are in a state of physical and emotional shock and you are JUST out of it - 13 weeks is nothing - take it easy with yourself and be loving and patient with yourself. And, yes, many say they have ruined you forever as their twisted and grotesque farewell (Zombies from Hell that they are) - don't think he has some special power that he has done what he says. Yes damaged you, but you can heal.

#5 Mar 18 - 8AM (Reply to #19)

Barbara (not verified)

meds

usually when the subject of meds comes up I get angry emails, etc. It's been discussed before many times. I personally, am on an SSRI and have been since being diagnosed with CPTSD in 2004. I believe it saved my life. I was also on Valium and something else but now it's down to a maintenance dose. I did try a couple others than the one I'm on now - which made me quite ill - so it's trial and error to find a good fit. But honestly, I wish I'd started them a LOT sooner... LIKE HIGH SCHOOL!! My therapist told me many times my mild drug use in the 1970s wasn't to 'party' - because it's clear I wasn't a "partier"... it was to self-medicate. I have never been into drugs EVER but I can see how my drug use in my teens WAS to self-medicate against NarcMom, 2 Sociopaths and 1 Narc boyfriends... it made perfect sense when I learned that. But again - I AM NOT ADVOCATING DRUG USE! Sometimes an antidepressant can help you get through things in the short term. Remember: these dirtbags have changed your BRAIN CHEMISTRY and HORMONES to falsely bond you to them. Then they just RIP it away which leaves you reeling. I am NOT, I repeat, NOT trying to "jack anyone up on drugs" but if it's been a couple months and you're still obsessing to the point it's become a problem functioning at home & work for you... this may be an option ALONG WITH trauma counseling. The same holds true for herbals. Just because they are herbs & OTC - you MUST discuss this with your doctor before trying them!!! Positive affirmations, bubble baths and meditation are fine - AFTER the 18 month deprogramming period. They will not retrain your brain from a pathological predator. As my therapist told me - when you get to the end of your rope, for some of us - antidepressants can give you more rope. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#6 Mar 18 - 9PM (Reply to #20)

wallaby (not verified)

self-medicating

Thanks for the history, caution and info. on meds, B. I too have had periods of self-medication in my early twenties (hangin with a rock n roll crowd) and then over last three years I began drinking when I had never drank alcohol in my life. I am extremely over-sensitive (2 alcoholic parents) so 2 drinks for me is A LOT. But I had 2 drinks or more - maybe 30 or 40 times in last three years - I see this now also as self-medicating from N hell. I've stopped drinking again, and sometimes take herbals for anxiety-depression. Sam-e has helped me when I have lapsed into depressive periods. And I keep ativan on hand for if I start to have a panic attack. - but only take about a 1/4 of one. If I felt I need Anti-Depressant's I would take them. Looking back I think I absolutely should have had anti-depressants in my early adulthood- frankly I, too, think many life choices would have been different if my dysthymia/anxiety had been managed sooner in life. I was in therapy - but frankly when your brain has been whacked hard and you have what I now see as CPTSD I think re-adjusting brain chemistry back closer to what it would have been without the trauma is not a bad thing. For many years I was vehemently anti-meds -till I witnessed some first hand situations where they really made a great difference and saved lives (I got PhD in psychology and did internship at psych hospitals). I also think it's one think to say forgo meds and "get therapy", and if you get good therapist and that works - yes that is best - but having been a psychologist in grad school myself - I see that the field is not filled with an abundance of mentally sound and practical people. It's pretty much a crap shoot in finding a good therapist.

#7 Mar 18 - 12AM

Kelly

10 years is a long time

I can't imagine that you could possibly feel normal after having just emerged from a relationship that lasted that long with a psychopath. Six weeks with one was enough to put me out of commission for two months. I'm still in the process of regaining my self-esteem. I'm going to start therapy soon to begin learning how to trust again and hopefully feel a little bit more secure. I was laid off and out of work for four months when my ex D&D'd me. I definitely felt worthless after having been a worker bee and completely independent for so long prior. Recently I thought of a pretty good analogy that might help. I liken my experience to a computer crashing and needing a reboot to clear the RAM. Even computers get confused and need to shut down once and a while. You will get through this. It's gonna take time, but if you take care of yourself and continue with NC, your going to go through all the healing phases, you will come out on top. Yoga, journal writing, watching movies and tv shows about psychopaths, reading about narcissism, reading good novels, all this helped me keep my mind busy fighting through the obsessive thoughts. Everyone here is different, but it's amazing how we all have experienced the same forms of manipulation by these monsters. You are not alone . . .

#8 Mar 18 - 7AM (Reply to #16)

cynthia (not verified)

narcmagnet

tv shows about psychopaths, oh by the way you need to change your name to narc repelent now, lol When I watch the crime shows, I must admit the writers DO know what they are talking about, when they try to solve the mystery there are comments like, remember he is a psychopath so he only has emotions that are primitive, and he has no consc. and he cant love, he doesnt bond with his victims, etc interesting enough though they are always about KILLING, lets put a crime show on where they kill their victims slowly like they did us guess the writers found the appeal more exciting if someone got murdered.

#9 Mar 18 - 11AM (Reply to #17)

Kelly

Haha

For Sure! Television doesn't have that down yet, but the movies do here and there. Gaslight - - must recommend! It's an oldie, but a goodie ;)

#10 Mar 17 - 10PM

cynthia (not verified)

into NC the same amount of time

There are times I still want him to come after me, show some sign I mattered to him, but alas this wont happen. They will try to recontact but not because we really mattered to them. Only to play more sick games. NC is good, even though it feels bad. There are still nights I think boy he really f---ed me up. I see others enjoying life, normal people but I dont quite feel normal myself yet, I too lost my job, economy is so bad right now and that SOB mom just died and left him close to a million plus he has his own million. None of that matters though not really all the money in the world wont make him normal, it will just add more to his props in his life. You are far from worthless even though we feel that way after surviving a relationship with these freaks. We have to give the spell a chance to fade and wear off, the illusion is still in our heads it sneaks up on us too during NC, DONT FALL FOR IT, DONT GO THERE because if you go back you are only going back to that same illusion of what he pretended to be for you

#11 Mar 17 - 10PM

cynthia (not verified)

into NC the same amount of time

#12 Mar 17 - 9PM

quietude (not verified)

belinda

TEN YEARS with a psychopath?? And only 13 weeks NC?? Hon, this is very, very fresh for you. I was with an N, NOT a psychopath for on and off 3 years, and at 13 weeks, my head was still spinning with confusion. The first month after NC I was in a fog...I still don't know how I managed work, etc. I think I was just on auto-pilot. Brace yourself ~ the way you feel makes perfect sense. My goodness, that was a very long time to be under someone else's spell, and a real nasty one at that. Give yourself some time and be gentle with yourself. You're already taking a LOT of action...asking about trauma therapy...you know many things you need to do in order to get to the place where you want to be. You've gone NC, that's a big deal...not everyone can do it. One thing I learned about healing...you must be patient, let yourself feel those feelings and find out why you're feeling them...there is a REASON. You're not unusual, there's nothing wrong with YOU, it's what's been done to you. Of course the bas**** is going to say you're ruined. They get a sick thrill out of trying to stifle us, hurt us, knock GOOD people with many wonderful qualities down as many rungs as they can. Belinda, you don't have to explain to anybody what you've been through right now. Please stick to those who get it...this group, a good therapist...because others won't, and the last thing you need is anyone to invalidate you. One day, you may feel like talking more about it to those you know, but what's important right now is rigorous self care. And...A lot of good folks become unemployed, especially these days. I don't know your situation, but if you can take this time to start caring for yourself, deprogramming from such a damaging person, that would be really good for you. Take good care, I know it's hard to see now, but you will be okay girl.

#13 Mar 17 - 8PM

rache

NO!

do not believe the lies of the ~DEVIL~......is a psychopath capable of telling the truth?Satan is the father of ALL lies.I believe these psychopaths/narcissist are servants of satan...

#14 Mar 17 - 8PM

agnesmurphy17

Not Ruined

Thirteen weeks is not very long. I think you might be having insights & connecting the dots for a long, long time. I think it's good that you tried to get a trauma referral. Now, you must apply for unemployment benefits. Everyday do something, anything for yourself. I know I defined my whole life around him, his moods, his schedule . . . anything to keep the peace & to placate him, to prevent Mr. Hyde from appearing. When I left him, I was at a loss. But, I find now I am defining myself & feeling better. I think every three month increment makes a difference. Absolutely no contact is a good idea. Especially in the beginning. Seems like you know what the guy is & do not miss him. So, I think you'll be moving along very quickly once you get over the shock of actually giving on on a 10 year relationship with an abuser.

#15 Mar 17 - 8PM

Amazed

Belinda it is going to take work, lots of affirmations

You are going to have to dig deep, and pull out the strength on this one. You are going to need to go deep, find a way to validate your self worth, and realize what a horror this guy is, and realize all his behavior was manipulation. They are not normal, not human, you need to take some time, say to yourself (I had to say this over and over( I am so glad I have me again, I am so glad I have me again, I survived something terrible, but I am so glad I have me again, it is just his manipulation, everything is his manipulation. Read, study, learn about psychopaths. I had to go to coffee shops, mind razor sharp, learning about this. Putting it in its place. You have to be very deligent now. Get a counselour, or coach if you need it. Come online and get support. You can and will get out of this funk.

#16 Mar 17 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

Belinda

Affirmations won't do jack until you've sufficiently deprogrammed - maybe 12 - 18 months from now. You must get a trauma counselor on board ASAP... this takes over a year. These a NOT NORMAL PEOPLE - this was NOT a NORMAL relationship. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#17 Mar 17 - 3PM

livewpsycobabble

Ruined and totally unworthy!

As-much-as I've learned over these past 12 months regarding N's it will never cease to amaze me how much energy they will spend keeping their loved one's in confusion. We are not loved one's we are only sources and supplies for their bizarre need to control and destroy while they demand comfort and titillating. They leave us at the end of the day drained from trying to keep peace and start to feel really good about ourselves if they offer a please or thank you to us. It's pretty pathetic when the one we love and really care for can drag us down into an abyss without so much as a look back. I only pity my N because he is really just a little boy in a man's body. We think we are getting a grown man to share life with and all we get is a demanding little child. Try not to feel bad about yourself. Remember you were once whole and that person is still inside of you. That lost little boy has taken it from you like a toy. Take it back!

#18 Mar 17 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

rache

Their little child inside,is,

~CHUCKY~ its not human

#19 Mar 18 - 12AM (Reply to #5)

wallaby (not verified)

Good one, Rache!

That is going on my list of great descriptions.

#20 Mar 20 - 2AM (Reply to #6)

rache

Wallaby

You'll have a list that will stretch a mile soon!LOL,you go girl! : )

#21 Mar 20 - 2AM (Reply to #7)

wallaby (not verified)

Ya -I'm having fun with it!

I'll share it when I get a good compilation. You are a key contributor, Rache!!!! You are so freakin funny.

#22 Mar 17 - 2PM

foolmeonce

Your not ruined!!

Just so you know, mine said I was ruined forever too! The scary thing about psychopaths are that they all say the same things. You are not ruined, he wants you to believe you are - I mean what kind of life could you have without that "GOD" in your life. I feel bad that you are so discouraged. I have been there myself. I cannot begin to count the many nights I laid in bed and cried and believed my life was over. No contact has helped me significantly. It allows you to remember what life is like without the insanity. Whenever I get down, I remember that the evil predator stole enough of my life, he cannot have anymore. If you live the rest of your life thinking it is ruined - evil has won and you cannot allow that to happen. Good always prevails over evil. You will recover and you will feel better again. It takes an extremely long time, but you will get there.

#23 Mar 19 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

stay strong

My N is suing me for the dog. (He wanted a visitation schedule, so he could keep track of me.) I put my lawyer on it. We countered him with a Behavior motion, the "Honk & Seat belt Rule" (meaning he honks his car horn & keeps his seatbelt on when he picks up or drops off my daughter) and him paying for a therapist for our daughter. He tried to call me all day but I am adhering to the no-contact--we converse e-mail only. That is driving him crazy. He commented to my parents "she won't even look at me." He wanted me to arrange a mtg with my lawyer & I reminded him he was opposing counsel. His responses? "How could you subject our daughter to a therapist? Her grades are excellent!" That's because I have worked with her every night while he's out partying! My parents thought he was crying today. They know he can't be trusted. No contact is empowering.

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