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  5. What is a narc's purpose for hoovering? Has anyone been hoovered, and then smashed down?

What is a narc's purpose for hoovering? Has anyone been hoovered, and then smashed down?

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#1 Apr 17 - 6PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

What is a narc's purpose for hoovering? Has anyone been hoovered, and then smashed down?

I know what hoovering actually is, but what is a narc's purpose behind it.

Today, apparently, I was being hoovered. Took the bait like a dope. And...paid dearly. He smashed me down...with a few scathing texts. Why did he hoover me, then?

If you read the 'meltdown' thread...you will see how he hoovered. It's not typical. He reached out on a forum we belong to, whereby he could have AS EASILY IGNORED ME, and went out of his way to post that I am a good person, and have a good heart. Then...I texted him thanking him.

He then smashed me down. I don't understand why he didn't just ignore me on the forums?

Apr 17 - 9PM
Steph
Steph's picture

I think it's all about having

I think it's all about having control over you. He wants to know that he can still elicit a response from you....makes him feel powerful.
Apr 17 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

staying strong

I think that's it, staying strong. I think that our entire relationship's premise was built on control. When he senses I had it, he would feel threatened. And the fights would ensue. Over the most minor of things. When he felt he had control, (over me)...he was at his happiest. When I ended things...he had lost all control over me, at that point. He went into a panic (not sure if you read my other threads about what happened last weekend)...texted me repeatedly. Vascillated from nasty to calm texts...texts telling me how awful I was...to asking for me back, and (fake) apologizing. I went back. Not even 24 hours later, he was back to being a dick. So...the moral is...he only wants control over another. That is what constitutes a relationship to him. Anyways...off to bed. Thanks for taking the time to respond. {{hugs}} Here's to a better week for us all.
Apr 17 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
Steph
Steph's picture

I have read your other

I have read your other posts.....and I despise your N! I'm glad that you can see the dynamic within your relationship with him. You have it nailed! I too, hope for a better week for everyone:) Sleep well:)
Apr 17 - 8PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Why after 5 months silent

Why after 5 months silent treatment did he randomly respond to a text? To smash me down and watch the pain so he can feel special. To keep the focus on him. To induce more trauma so I stay emotionally bonded to him so when he returns at some unknown time in the futur he can draw off of it all Its all about him letting you know that he's in control and stealing your power from you
Apr 17 - 7PM
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

It's just a "poke" to see what you will do!

It's just a "poke" to see what you will do! In a post a week or so ago, someone compared their "poking" to a special ed student she had that was pinching her hand and trying to get a reaction from her. Any response from you is all they care about - negative or positive, doesn't even matter! Delete his number!!!
Apr 17 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Jewwell

so, to get a reaction. negative or positive. and then, to gain back control. I see. That's exactly what happened today. I broke things off with him last weekend, and he is feeling out of control. To regain it, he feels he needs to lure me in...have me trust that he means well...and then smash! He pushes me down again, and this brings him control. I get it. I can give advice, but taking my own has been hard lately. :=( Thanks Jewwell.
Apr 17 - 6PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Hey there!

I think they hoover just to see if they can. Much like a school yard bully. They just want to see if they can angle their way back into your head, and psyche, and then *poof* disappear. It gives them a kick, a thrill. That's what they live for. They are that empty, that doing this to you gives them a boost, a temporary false sense of self-esteem. If you care about them, they exist. If they can romance you, diss you and leave you, then come back at their convenience, to do it again... they have control. The same thrill you get from hearing back from him? That's the same feeling he/she gets when they know they've still got you wrapped around their finger, ready and waiting for them, at any moment. Suspended in time, with your own life on hold, at their beck and call. It's disturbing stuff.
Apr 17 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Interesting Perspective

You said, "The same thrill you get from hearing back from him? That's the same feeling he/she gets when they know they've still got you wrapped around their finger, ready and waiting for them, at any moment. Suspended in time, with your own life on hold, at their beck and call. It's disturbing stuff." Wow, that's an interesting perspective on the toxic dynamic we have with these guys and explains a lot. I'll be damned if I ever give him that satisfaction again.
Apr 17 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Incognito

Thanks Incognito...I really appreciate your insight. I think that's a good analogy, the playground bully. It's very sad. Gosh, I'm tired of analyzing this! I just yearn for peace. {{hugs}}