What if the kids decide to go and live with him?????

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#1 Dec 8 - 8AM

ChickyD

What if the kids decide to go and live with him?????

Ok so he has a new girlfriend/victim and the poor woman is already his new doormat. He AGAIN is not working and just sits around all day while the woman does all the work, brings in all the money and he sits back and abuses. Problem is the kids... they know how he is yet they still put him on a pedestal. What must I do if they decide to move in with him? He is already playing games and hinting at it. Am I just being paranoid I mean the new relationship might not last that long. I hope for her sake it doesn't. My gf and I are trying our best without any kind of support from him albeit financial or whatever and we have not been in any kind of contact with him only when the kids are with him. And when they are there they get bought whatever they want can do whatever they want whereas with us we cannot buy them everything we just can't. I'm just so scared they want to go live there and become just like him :(

#2 Dec 9 - 12AM

ChickyD

Thank you guys, it helps

Thank you guys, it helps coming here to get a sanity check :) The kids are 12 and 13 and they are legally of an age where they can choose. I think sometimes irrational fears take hold and run away with me and my gf. I know they won't stay there for long even if they decide to go one day, I know he cannot and will not be what a Father should be, I know this new gf/victim is royally screwed and will one day see the light (she is already so deep in it she won't know what hit her), I know he is a unstable useless abuser and that this will never change and even though I know all of this and more fear sometimes takes over. Haha coach potato doesn't pay well here either and that's what he has been doing the past years, no job no money no ambition just an empty shell sucking the life force out of everything and everyone around him. Thanks again guys xoxo and Hunter that's what I also said I think maybe sometimes they need to see him for what he is or be reminded because God knows they saw way too much when living with him. It is just so damn frustrating that he is still adored and idolized by them even after everything they witnessed some days I just don't understand it. I know he is just playing games to get some sort of reaction or a foot in the door, it's what he does, but when it comes to the kids he is messing with the wrong Mommies, there's two of us thank God!

#3 Dec 8 - 11AM

peaches

Me too

In the beginning of the divorce this was my greatest fear. He threatened me with his intention to get full custody. He would take me to court, there would be a trial, blah, blah, blah. I feared he would get awarded custody or they would choose to live with him. I went "Mama Bear" on him. I gathered information that would prove I was the better parent. Letters from friends and relatives that stated what they had observed about his parenting. Statement from school and doctor that I was the primary care provider. He didn't show up at school. I was the one that took them to the Dr./dentist. The judge wanted to know how he was going to support the kids. Couch potato does not pay well. In our state the kids don't ever get to choose which parent they live with. Period. The parenting plan is in place until they are 18. The parenting plan lays out exactly when he gets them and when they are with me. Period. I made the MISTAKE of not establishing child support EARLY on in the divorce and that is just support my kids won't ever benefit from. I put child support in the college fund as my income provides for our living expenses. He's just tormenting you and knows the kid issue is your soft under belly. Best wishes to you.

#4 Dec 8 - 11AM

GeorgiaGirl

I feared the same thing

How old are the children? What court orders do you have in place currently? To answer your questions we need more information! In my state, children are not allowed to "choose" until they turn 16 and even then the other parent can fight it in court. My worst fear was that my older children (teens & pre-teens) would "choose" exN#1 over me. The best thing I ever did was to put all 3 in full-time counseling when we separated. The counselor has been able to help them see what is healthy behavior vs. what is damaging behavior. She has been able to help them sort out what is their responsibility as children and what the parent's responsibilities could be/should be. All 3 of my older kids see right thru their dad's crap now and I credit that to both my and their therapist's hard work over the last 5 years. Narcs LOVE to fill the kids' heads with all kinds of crap and threaten us with it because triangulation is their favorite game. Please know that even if your children were to choose him they would be home in short order...narcs cannot keep up the "daddy routine" for long. Provide your kids with a healthy example of a parent that includes rules, boundaries and punishments. That, along with a court order and some child support, will provide them with a chance at a solid future!

#5 Dec 8 - 9AM

ordinarycourage

Don't worry....

worst case scenario - they decide to go live with him and then they'll discover he can't keep up the facade for long. He is abusing you through the kids, which is a common narc tactic, by planting these ideas in their heads. Also remember, narcs suck at follow-through. Best thing is to not overreact if the kids bring it up...they are likely confused and uncomfortable with this idea.

#6 Dec 8 - 9AM

Hunter

Let them go.. They'll be back

Let them go.. They'll be back in a month.. As that old saying goes.. Be careful what you wish for. Hunter

#7 Dec 8 - 9AM

Sparrow

Your fears are

Your fears are understandable. How old are your children? Are they at the age where they can legally make the choice on their own? Here, in my state the age is 11 or 12. These are factors you need to take into consideration before getting too concerned. Their Father IS NOT agood role model, we all know that, and your children will not benefit form him emotionally at all. As far as him giving them everything they want and allowing them to do what ever they want, shows right their that he is abandoning them emotionally by spoiling them. A lot of Fathers in divorce, are "Disney Dads" and this causes much tention between the divorced parents to begin with. And this on top of it, doesn't make it any easier. Also, keep in mind, the OW may not have any desire to raise anoither womans children. Your exN may just be filling the kids heads with thoughts of living with him, with him having no intentions of caring for them full time. I wouldn't worry too much about it right now, cross that bridge if and when you come to it. Good luck! and stay strong!

#8 Dec 8 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

walking_on_sunshine

Any child who makes a choice

Any child who makes a choice to live with the N parent will soon realize that it is a mistake. It's an intolerable experience and an N parent doesn't really want the responsibility anyway. Fast enough, they child would come running back home to where it is nurtured. What worries me most is those who have young children that the N is actually physically trying to take custody of, where the child Isn't making the choice himself. Either scenario is dangerous but the latter I would fight to the death.

#9 Dec 8 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

nomoredenial

Keep a journal

Stick to the facts not emtions so much. He wouldnt pick up kids ect. A journal is admissable in court

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