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What if I wasn't a target of his?

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#1 Aug 30 - 7PM
Beachcolors
Beachcolors's picture

What if I wasn't a target of his?

Guys....there is something Im really wondering about.

I never had that ideal phase with my exN. The one where he comes on as Mr. Perfect and acts wonderful for a while. Mine NEVER acted like a great guy. He was a dick from day one. He was also very forthcomming with how bad of a guy he can really be. I have no doubt that he is a full blown N but I wonder about his "honesty". Does that mean that I wasn't a target?

I remember months ago, one of the women his ex victims support groups actually told me that the reason he was so honest with me is because he didn't care enough about being with me to try the lies to fake me out. She said "he didn't love you anywhere near what he loved us because he wasn't as bad to you"....."if he loved you he would have tourtured you". As much as I hate to dignify that comment, I do feel that maybe she was right. Maybe I was just something to kill time with and he didn't even want me as prey. I should be greatful if that is the case but It kinda hurts my feelings.

Anyway, I just wanted some thoughts on this...just trying to make some sense of things.

Aug 30 - 8PM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

oh..

and I think that ex victim said that because SHE is trying to make sense out of it.... I think she said that to make HERSELF feel better because she cannot really accept that he didn't love her, either and maybe was 'less' of a victim..so if she had somthing to comapre his actions to (i.e. how he treated YOU compared to HER and others) then she could justify 'not really being just an object because he must have really loved her 'more'... So, don't listen to other victims that aren't going to support you. She is diminishing your abuse by enhancing hers. She got treated like crap, too. just in a different way. So, try not to take it personal and have your feelings hurt. he didn't love her any more than you. she wasn't more special than you. she didn't have some quality better than you.he didn't love either of you. that he could TRUST you to tell you just shows he exploited you GOOD qualities..like trust, dependability and loyality. Any other human being or friend would CHERISH and protect those qualities about you. Those are admirable traits. Sorry I had to comment. That ex who said that to you kind of made me mad.
Aug 30 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Beachcolors
Beachcolors's picture

Thanks so much Insectt

What you said makes a lot of sense.....thanks for the support and she made me mad too! I think she is still deep into the damage he does to people. They haven't seen each other in over nine years and she is still as angry as day one. In what crazy world would someone measure "love" by how terrible a man treated you.....and who would want to win such a contest. I guess she thought that I was trying to make her jealous or something but I was just telling my story. I didn't know what her "relationship" with him had been like. She met him almost 15 years ago....maybe age has slowed his game or something.
Aug 30 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

beachcolors

and the 'ex' that said that to you is delusional. Narcs CAN'T LOVE anyone. There's no LOVE there so she must be lying to herself and very VERY jealous of you. Psycho-Boy told Elizabeth - who he NEVER met, only knew for 4 weeks, that she was his "soulmate" and he "loved her and her only" and "NEVER loved me." Elizabeth was a friend of mine, I introduced them via the internet to help get one of his articles published. He denies this but even Elizabeth and the police records back me up. Back in college, even after I'd had an abortion for him and then when I was getting beaten by exNH because of him the most I got was "I have feelings for you." He told my best friend he "loved me" and "didn't want to lose me" ONLY when it was BALLS-TO-THE-WALL and he was busted. LOVE is a NOUN, it's just word to these guys like TOILET PAPER or CHAIR. If that ex said he didn't love you she was being DAMN nasty and very jealous. EVERYONE is prey to these guys - EVERYONE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B
Aug 30 - 8PM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I agree with Barbara

My N was more 'honest' with me then the others. But, I was still a 'target' even up to the point where I helped him buy a house and he took the entire tax credit and didn't give me a penny because he wanted to 'pay off his credit card debt that he has had for years'. In fact we are ALL their victims and targets whether they are more 'boyfriendesque' towards one but 'more honest' with the other. We are all the same. They just know how to adapt to each individual. They gauge very well each victims strengths and weaknesses, tolerance levels and boundries. It has nothing to do with 'loving anyone else more then the other'. They don't know how to love. Period. Here is a very recent example. My N discarded both the mother of his 6 month old child (whom he was 'with' for about 3 years) and me (whom he was 'with' for about 2 years)...for a new source. This 'new' source/victim he sees every single day and stays over at her house every single night. He claims she is 'the one' and even calls her his girlfriend!! (something that his baby's momma nor I ever got..). He has been seeing the 'new' victim' for just about 2 and half months....Yet, guess what I uncovered already!! I discovered he is posting ads for threesomes just two and a half months into his so called 'new beginning' relationship. She knows NOTHING of his history with other women (except whatever he filtered to her) or his sexual deviances. So, does he love HER more because he isn't being 'honest'?? No. he doesn't love her. he didn't love me. he didn't love his baby's mommma. He didn't love the woman he was living with before he was with his baby's momma. he lied to all of these woman more than he lied to me. But that's not because he 'loved' them more...it's because they had better boundries and lower tolerance levels then I did and he wouldn't have been able to play them as long he did if they KNEW how he REALLY was..... It has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with keeping control as long as possible....until THEIR ready to 'move on'...
Aug 30 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

beachcolors - that's incorrect

wrong - you were always a target. EVERYONE is prey to him. EVERYONE! I found out Psycho-Boy was probably more honest with me about a lot of things than he ever was with his wife. Why? Because he knew how smart I was & how discerning during the 'profiling' phase. Some abusers tend to throw in JUST ENOUGH truth to make you believe they are being honest as well as keeping the lies much more plausible. “Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth. I have treated individuals who have lied most egregiously by reciting a litany of true facts! How does someone lie by telling only true things? They do so by leaving out important other, important facts essential to understanding the truth of the whole story.” 'In Sheep’s Clothing', pg. 98 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck