What if he's not a narc?

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#1 Oct 18 - 1PM

hooklineandsinker

What if he's not a narc?

I'm going through a very bitter and angry phase at the moment for some reason, as I posted on another thread. Also having real trouble believing that all this bullcrap actually HAPPENED to me this year. It's just too horrible to be part of my normal life. It feels like there was a mix-up and I got given someone else's shitty life instead of the awesome one I was living up until Feb of this year. I even cried this morning for the first time in weeks.

I'm HATING the stupid ugly new woman for stealing my life and my future husband, and I'm HATING him for sweeping me off my feet, leading me to believe he was 100% serious about me, abandoning me after passive-aggressively keeping silent about the fact that he was "not happy in this relationship" for two months before dumping me, and then taking up with this dull, ugly, sly bitch.

Some replies to my other posts did of course point out that there is no fairy tale ending with these guys and that the new one will get kicked in the teeth sooner or later too. And I totally get that, if one is dealing with a bona fide narc.

But what if he's not a narc? What if I have it all wrong? What if he's a normal guy who just couldn't stand to be with me a minute longer? What if I'm "out for myself", and "caustic" and "squeezed" him like he said? What if he's truly in love with her and all he wants is to make her happy?

I just couldn't STAND it. I think I would lose my mind (what's left of it). This whole thing is just so traumatising and unfair. WHY has this happened to me? Or any of us?

#2 Oct 21 - 2AM

fooled no longer

HLS you are doing something

HLS you are doing something we all do, is it me ??, can he find another who he will love completely??its just like when you were small and terrifing yourself with thoughts that the shadow in thecorner is a monster. This self speak happens. I agree with what Breseis and others have said hes a Narc Narc Narc! AND once again have to say this post was my laughter for the day. the thought of you banging an empty suitcase against the wall, is a picture that amuses the hell of of me ha ha ha ha. in fact im going to use that to calm down my Narc when his cage rattles next time. hugs. A

#3 Oct 21 - 12AM

fooled no longer

HLS you are doing something

#4 Oct 20 - 5PM

imabloke

I know what you mean...

I too sometimes wonder well perhaps she's found the 'one' blah blah... However I ask myself... 1. she did the same thing to the last guy and the last guy before him.. that I know of.. 2. she's had numerous affairs, cheating whatever you want to call it. 3. I have never felt so dreadfully hurt by someone before the way she made me feel. 4. How come i have ended up (thankfully) here where there are so many similar stories. 5. I seem to be the one that doing the grieving of the relationship (if you can call it that) 6. She's done no grieving whatsoever and 7. and 8. and 9. ... So i think time will tell... in your case she – the OW - will end up the same way as all the others.. sooner or later. And the same with mine – if it hasn't already happened.

#5 Oct 18 - 10PM

MsVulcan500

Doubt

It's really hard when you have these thoughts that maybe it really was you, and he's going to be different with the next one. But come on, you've read everyone's stories here and they are all similar. So the chances that you've got him all wrong are slim to none. Look at his history. Did he treat every other woman good except you? Did he never lie to or mistreat or cheat on anyone else but you? I'd bet not. And he will continue that behavior because it works! He just continues on his path to the next victim then the next and the next. You know she will be like you in time. Heartbroken and miserable trying to figure out what the hell happened. Don't let him doubt what you KNOW! You KNOW what he is and will always be.

#6 Oct 20 - 11AM (Reply to #31)

staystrong.10.10

I have that thoughts too about mine

MsVulcan500, thanks for what you had said. I have that kind of thoughts too. also, i have thoughts like, what if he really changed after the relationship he had with me? he and i used to work together, I finally left him and also got a new job. he cheated on me with many girls in the office. so now the whole entire office knows that he's an A-hole. so, do you think, to be able to protect his reputation or maybe he really learned something from "i left him" and the "whole office knows what he had done?" I just don't get how he can possibly walk around in the office like nothing happened!?

#7 Oct 19 - 6PM (Reply to #30)

hooklineandsinker

MsVulcan

I've no idea how he treated the other women in his life because he's not from my country and I met him online, so I've never talked to any of his exes. I'm kind of at a disadvantage there unfortunately.

#8 Oct 18 - 8PM

faithinthefuture

Hook

Why did you come to this site? You wanted help understanding what the hell you were dealing with right? You knew then something wasn't right and it wasn't you. Please don't start doubting yourself now. It's not you sweetie. Listen to your instincts. You know you are an amazing honest caring woman. Don't lose sight of that. You're having a low day. Wondering what if I did this or what if I said this he would still be with me and loving me and not her. Maybe he would be. but only because you gave up yourself to make him happy. He didn't and doesn't give two shits about you as a person. He only cares about himself! Mine too after confronting him about cheating on me said to me "well I'm not happy here and that makes you unhappy and that makes us unhappy". He told me that after living w/me for 7 months. Had never heard a word about his unhappiness before. I think it was his excuse or escape from being caught at cheating. Their minds are so fucked up! I will say this...the one thing I have never done since I kicked him out is question if I could've done more. I know without a doubt no matter how much I gave or did it would never ever have been enough! I did try with all my heart but I know it was out of fear he would leave. Now I know he was planning his escape all along. His heart wasn't in it. would help if they had one right? Hook look at the wonderful woman you are. You have a heart and you care and you love. It wasn't you at all.

#9 Oct 18 - 6PM

michele115 (not verified)

Hookline

It sucks! Hugs... You Said: I'm HATING him for sweeping me off my feet, leading me to believe he was 100% serious about me, abandoning me after passive-aggressively keeping silent about the fact that he was "not happy in this relationship" for two months before dumping me, and then taking up with this dull, ugly, sly bitch. Now, maybe he's not a Narc...we'll never know because these asshats skip the radar all the time and make us crazy and somehow get us to act out!!! Ask anyone here, we didn't start out "crazy" they made us that way! Now, let's say he isn't for argument's sake...still, you do say he led you on, then silently planned his escape without word...that's just F'ed UP! It's a cowards way out, and definately the act of a CHILD. You want a MAN, a real man with morals, values, a sense of humor, a steady job, etc...you don't need an asshole who is going to make you feel like crap. You deserve better - we all do. Hookline, I shared on another post and I'm up and down myself...but I had this thought... THE former NARC in my life had to be a lowlife - if even lowlives want to avoid him like the plague!!! You're having a rough day, keep your chin up, try to do something nice for you and know that you won't feel like this forever.... I wish I could go over and hug you.... All the best. I think from now on, I'll refer to mine as Assholio

#10 Oct 18 - 6PM (Reply to #26)

wholeagain

Michele

If you name him Assholio then I'll be forced to think of him as Beavis in his role as Cornholio: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow4SHYu2ZNE "you do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole!"

#11 Oct 19 - 6PM (Reply to #27)

hooklineandsinker

Bunghole! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Bunghole! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Bunghole!

#12 Oct 18 - 1PM

chickon2

We have all been there

and done that with asking ourselves... I even kept wondering if I myself was a narc then, if I attracted this joker.. I am sorry you are feeling this way, it is an awful thing, Like waking up from a very cruel nightmare, that used to be such a wonderful dream (or so we thought at the time) I have to say, and I am not proud of it.. I broke into his email and FB. THEN and only then did I realize that OMG this creep is LOCO. Same EXACT lines to the women. SAME love songs he dedicated to them.. SAME I mean I feel like telling the girls, WAIT let me forward you my emails just put your name in the space where my name is.... I am not saying break into his stuff.. I am just saying if you are feeling this nutty about what he has done.. Most likely he is in need of a loco award also. I guess you go through the phases with this mess.. Hugs

#13 Oct 19 - 6PM (Reply to #23)

hooklineandsinker

Chickon

In a way, I would be terrified to see anything he's written to the new one because it would make me so sick with jealousy. But on the other hand, if I could see some texts or emails written by him to her and if it had the same kind of language he used to me in the early days "where have you been all my life?", "how are you so lovely?" "you make me want to be a better man" "I told them our babies are going to be lawyers like their mum" etc etc, I might feel better.

#14 Oct 19 - 7PM (Reply to #24)

chickon2

Terrified?

Actually yes it was a bit terrifying at first when I saw it.. After I saw it over and over again.. I didn't get jealous of the new chicks.. I felt bad for them.. I was feeling jealous of how he lays it on thick in the beginning.. That adoration or whatever it is called stage.. Yes those Lines, those kisses... The GIFTS.. Sheesh b/c I got a boat load, so the next one might get a new car.. DAMMIT (hee hee) But I have to admit, On Friday I will see one of them at my dance class.. She is a married student, and how the heck did he get in touch with the girl that stands right next to me in dance class.. WHat kind of crazy coincidence is that? (oops went off on my own stuff) There is really nothing to be jealous of? I mean they are all lies? The women are innocent most of the times... HUGS dear heart...I think the "smart" women end up here.. The ones that these jokers couldn't really fool forever like they most likely wanted to. I dunno..

#15 Oct 18 - 1PM

Briseis

(((((HLS))))))

I read through your story again, and I am SURE he is a Narc. I would bet my next paycheck on it. In fact, he is classic. He is textbook. You describe several episodes in your short time together that are CLASSIC indicators he has NPD. "On the first day, we were trying to make our way down an unpisted, lumpy, rocky, grassy, steep slope, which was absolutely terrifying. I lost a ski and it slid away. He began to talk to me as if I was some sort of mental incompetent - really patronising and nasty and sort of "god, how did I get stuck with someone as stupid as you" type tone. He found my ski and I put it back on but the going was so bad that I ended up taking off both skis and just sliding down the mountain on my ass. I can't tell you how terrified and upset I was. However he just took off down the slope and left me there. It took me a good 20 minutes to get myself down, and I found him standing chatting with two other guys and he never even asked was I OK." This is just one of them. No decent man in his right mind, even if he was just seeing you as NOT the woman of his dreams, would allow you to be humiliated like this. He humiliated you. On purpose. It is unbelievable to me that he would do this to you!!! This is NOT normal!! People just don't DO this to each other, normal people with a smidgen of empathy. It was like you were some kind of retarded little sister he had to babysit against his will. OMG! Not his GF, not even a woman at all. THIS is classic Narc behavior. Only Narcs can look at another human being and be SO cold and cruel. This is WAY over the top, honey. I've read a lot of folkses stories. I have questioned whether or not some ladies (not really here, but elsewhere) truly have a Narc. I do NOT question that about you. Not one bit.

#16 Oct 19 - 6PM (Reply to #12)

hooklineandsinker

Briseis

Now that you say it, I know that you're right. Not even a male friend, never mind a lover, would leave you alone on a dangerous ski slope to fend for yourself. Hell, no female friend worth her salt would do that either. I've been on ski holidays before where I've got into difficulties and OTHER PEOPLE'S BOYFRIENDS have helped me down the mountain, just because they were being gentlemen.

#17 Oct 19 - 6PM (Reply to #13)

hooklineandsinker

But the other thing is: I

But the other thing is: I feel bad because I snarled at him on the mountain when he was going "Ok, where's the ski?" but in a really pissed-off, snotty tone to me. I said "Just leave it! We'll pay for it [if it's lost]" So I was no angel of politeness myself that day, but I was so terrified and felt so unsupported by him that I resorted to anger.

#18 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

Briseis

OMG!!!!

You snarled at him!!! You used a snotty tone of voice!!! You were no angel of politeness when you were cold and scared and on a dangerous ski slope far beyond your capabilities and you only had one ski!! SHAME ON YOU HOOKLINE!!! OMG, what's the matter with you???? No wonder he abandoned you to slide down on your ass. Your TONE of voice was so awful that you deserved it. Please. Hookline. Please. Do you see now? A decent guy would have lost his OWN ski to find your lost ski. He would have fallen over a cliff to find your lost ski. He would not have HIS WOMAN sliding down a dangerous slope on her ass by herself. He would have carried you. He would have stayed with you even if you were cursing and snarling the whole way, even blaming him for everything, because a decent guy (I mean NORMAL) would have rather crapped his pants in public than abandon his date. His normal man pride would not have allowed him to do anything else. Your NARC has no such normal man pride or ANY shame whatsoever. Classic narc. Classic!

#19 Oct 20 - 5PM (Reply to #21)

hooklineandsinker

Briseis

I guess you kind of forget what a decent guy would or wouldn't do, after enough time with a narc or a passive-aggressive.

#20 Oct 20 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

Janet

Exactly. I ski, and if I

Exactly. I ski, and if I took someone on a run where they were freaked out and scared, I (and any normal person) would know that this was coming from fear. We would help you get down the mountain in a reassuring way, turn by turn. He is a creep (and should have his pass clipped for what he did). Peace. J

Peace. J

#21 Oct 20 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

hooklineandsinker

Janet

that has indeed been my experience on any ski holiday, especially the early ones where I was freaked out and scared and snappish with whoever was with me (more experienced female friends or male friends, or boyfriends of friends). No one EVER abandoned me or snapped at me or talked to me like I was retarded, the way he did. You're right. They all automatically understood that my attitude was driven by fear and was not in any way personal to them. And they all displayed immense patience and care for a beginner.

#22 Oct 19 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

blueeyes

Skiing w a Narc-

They always resort to anger! Did you read my story? The store got his ice cream order wrong, and he threw it at the house vigrously? I could name 5000000000 other anger outburts to date. Geez, he did it an hour ago cuz I was taking too long in the bathroom for fucks sake. Excuse the F but I'm mad again! Shoot! I hate getting mad. I'm going to go play the piano to calm down. That outta piss him off. He hates when I play piano. Oh well, its my outlet. Do you have an outlet HLS?

#23 Oct 19 - 7PM (Reply to #15)

hooklineandsinker

blueeyes

I don't have an anger outlet - when it got really bad I used to bang an empty suitcase against my bedroom door (the loud bangs were really satisfying) but I don't live with him so it doesn't really arise. See, mine NEVER got overtly angry - all his rage was squeezed down deep inside him and just came out in the form of robotic body language (especially in airports - airports used to drive him insane) and very tightly-wound speech and behaviour. In fact, one of his fave sayings was "I never get angry".

#24 Oct 19 - 7PM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

Robotic body language

The ex-Psych professor was the same way. He had a very rigid way of walking, walking as if he had a stick up his butt, nose in the air. He was so robotic and bland that it kind of frightened his students. Same here, he'd say that he never got angry (yeah right) During the D&D, he'd say "I'm not angry... I'm just disappointed." He'd say he was offended, speak in a very formalistic, lecturing way... and I'd tell him "I can tell you're angry" and "If you're offended, it means you're angry." He was the ambient rage type. He always SEEMED angry. Once, during the D&D, I was in the computer lab (as was he) and he signalled his departure by slamming EVERY SINGLE EMPTY CHAIR. He got angry when I congratulated him on his betrothal-here I was, trying to end things peacefully (and I did admit to him it was closure for ME, NOT for him, he was to have no say). He referred to his fiancee primly as "Miss G---",as if this were some sort of Masterpiece Theater thing. He said I was violating and imposing on him. By then, I didn't care if I was imposing on him only in his mind or actually doing so.

#25 Oct 20 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

hooklineandsinker

Yeah, the robotic, stiff

Yeah, the robotic, stiff thing was weird. And really irritating after a while. I remember one day we drove out of the city to look at houses in a nice country town because he was thinking of buying one there. He had something wrong with his knee that day so was walking stiffly anyway. But he was walking beside me and any time I stopped to look in a shop window or whatever, he made a big show of automatically stopping dead in his tracks, kind of like that game that children play at parties, you know, when you turn off the music and they all stand still like statues? It was very irritating and I think intended to convey "You're the bossy one here, this whole day is going to your agenda, including strolling down the main street of this pretty town looking in shop windows (HOW DARE I?), I'll just do whatever you do and I won't ever speak up about wanting to do anything else, I'll just passive-aggressively go along with whatever you're doing even if I look like a robot while I'm doing it, and then blame you maybe in two months' time for tiring me out on that day in a country town when I had a bad knee and had no interest in window shopping". Finally I just turned around to him and asked was he ok, to which he said he was. But the exaggeratedly stiff walking continued. It was part "poor me" and part "oh look, we'll just stick to your agenda, we always do, you're so selfish and out for yourself all the time. But I'm not even going to give you the chance to do what I want or need to do, because I'm passive-aggressively never going to tell you what that actually is"

#26 Oct 18 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

kiwi10

oh yeah

that is EXACTLY what is like to ski with a NARC!! lol...

#27 Oct 18 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

Janet

Skiing with an N/P is

Skiing with an N/P is NOOOOOOO fun. I had a much better time last year skiing with my friends and family than with him. Peace. J

Peace. J

#28 Oct 18 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

blueeyes

HLS

Make no mistakes...He is a N if you are on this board. I know, I went through this. Shoot, I will probably go through this again. :) Try to find an outlet like boxing, singing or anything that makes you feel productive. Hang in there! PS- I hate him!

#29 Oct 18 - 1PM

Mariline

If you ask yourself this

If you ask yourself this question, he is definitely a Narc :-) the more you will watch him being detached the more you will discover it. That poor woman is just another victim. You should feel pain for her. ((hugs)))

#30 Oct 18 - 1PM

wholeagain

Dear HLS

I've been there, meaning the doubts about whether he is or isn't. In your case, I think it might help to go back and read your story and the comments. There's no doubt in my mind that he is based on what you wrote. Getting over these relationships takes time, you're doing so well but there are these dips along the way. Hang in there.

#31 Oct 18 - 1PM

moonshine

hooklineandsinker

no...i also think that way because the reality is pointing his way. we are miserable ...but for a reason. we know that deep inside that reason. my mind is also spinning asking the very same questions....but i am also confident about myself that ...thats not what happened. he shd have told you if he was not happy with you and not just dump you like that. he needs to treat you with respect. i am afraid of the same situations that you have put forth...but know what....its gets old after a while...let him have who ever he wants to have....who cares.... lets take care of ourselves. we will get what we are supposed to get. not anything more or not anything less.

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