What I DON'T miss!

23 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jul 18 - 12AM
ZanShin's picture

What I DON'T miss!

Revised from an earlier attempt to escape the narc. I'm at day 17 of NC. Longest ever. Please add what you don't miss!!!


What I Don’t Miss
• Waiting, waiting, waiting—always waiting
• Waiting to find out whether I would see you; why couldn’t you agree to a time to meet? Did I mean so little to you? Now that I am NC, I realize that I would put my life on hold at those times of day when you ‘might’ contact me or ‘might’ deign to see me. What was I thinking?
• Your ailments: it is always something—headache (favorite excuse for ignoring me for hours/days), backache, side ache, stomach problems; why don’t you ever do anything about them? Yet, you are somehow well enough to run miles everyday??
• Texting and waiting five to six hours for a response; the response, when and if it comes, being one to two words; sending affectionate texts that you completely ignored, never acknowledged
• Saying “I love you” and getting the lizard stare in return. Or better yet, saying “I love you” and you saying “thank you” or “I appreciate that.”
• If I was quiet (usually when you were on a tirade of moodiness and I was just trying to keep my head down and survive), you berated me: “What’s up Debbie Downer?” “Oooh, Bad Mood ZanShin is here.” I had to always feel exactly like you felt at that moment. You even told me that one time. Same with your son—he had to be just as ‘into’ whatever it was that you were doing as you were. If not, we all got verbally slapped…or ignored.
• Changing plans at the last minute. I’m grateful when you actually informed me of said plans, although the speed at which you changed your mind was shocking at times. I remember getting a text from you once that invited me over and not two seconds later you texted “Never mind. I’m tired and going to bed.” That was the best one.
• Setting up a day of activities with me and then disappearing: no phone call, no text until late in the day. Usually, you act as though we never had plans in the first place. I remember waiting until 7pm one day and you finally texted that you were “fantastico.” I wanted to kill you. Seriously. Homicidal rage.
• Ruining every holiday, without fail. No birthday present, ever. Christmas present(s): if plural, most came from the Good Will and (as you always told me) cost only $5!!! Awesome!! On our anniversary, you inform me that you might just get a place for yourself and scrap the idea of us moving in together. Oh, and no card that day either. Even your birthday was a nightmare because you threw a massive temper tantrum and wouldn’t open any presents, wouldn’t talk to me, went to yoga instead of dinner with your son and me. What an asshole you were that day.
• Your delusions of grandeur: let’s start a B&B together, let’s start an art house cinema together, let’s travel to Africa/Istanbul/? together
• Everything is on your terms: your schedule—running, errands, napping, games all come before me and before your son, except when you are trying to win me back, then that lasts only a finite time
• Never being able to have an honest conversation with you without having you cut it short: “enough of the deep conversation,” “I have to sleep,” “I just want to watch the movie,” “why can’t you just let things flow,” “I’m just so tired.”
• Being your hook up for meals: I realize now so many times that you summoned me at night was simply to bring you dinner because you were too high or too lazy to feed yourself or your son.
• Sex: feeling nearly brutalized by the frequency and roughness; then, confused when you don’t touch me for a week; you claim you are tired yet how many times have you kept me awake all night before one of my important concerts—either with sex or texting? Towards the end of our relationship, sex became completely bizarre. I still can’t put words to what you wanted, what you said, what you did. And guess what: ‘no’ means no, not just go ahead and do it anyway.
• Your addiction to porn. I never understood why you would need to watch porn when you had me, usually decked out in lingerie, sitting right next to you in bed. You said you liked to watch it with me. Frankly, it was just offensive and degrading. When I wasn’t there, I can’t imagine how many hours you spent watching.
• Having you kick me out of your home at night after spending only a couple of hours together: “I must sleep.” How about asking me to sleep with you rather than making me walk out in the cold (alone) and drive home at all hours of the night? I cannot count the number of times that you would show me the door rather than just letting me spend the night with you. That made me feel so unlovable.
• Inconsistencies: “good morning beautiful” texts, “I love yous” for a bit and then one or two texts a day, if I’m lucky. Wanting to spend lots of time with me, taking up my entire weekend with plans and then nearly having to beg you to see you during the week. Being so over-the-top with verbal affection and then not a positive word for weeks. In fact, I sometimes felt like I was invisible to you: you didn’t acknowledge anything about me for weeks at a time—new clothes, how I look, what I say—I felt invisible in your eyes except for whatever role I was filling at the time: meal-provider, child-care-giver, company to stave off your loneliness
• Keeping your son away from me. I know you manipulated that to drive me crazy. You knew how much I loved him and how much he loved me. You even told me that he was always asking to see me. How could you deny him that? It is cruel.
• Grouchy mornings: weekend mornings with you were hit or miss. How many times did we awaken on a Saturday or Sunday morning, after a night of fun and you have literally leapt out of bed---seemingly disgusted by my presence—start obsessively picking up and dramatically sigh “I have to get my day started,” implying that I am most definitely not part of your day. You might as well just kick me out physically, because the atmosphere of tension you created was palpable and unbearable.
• Recoiling from my touch. This has happened so many times. I tried to cuddle with you and you literally froze…or turned away…or claimed you were tired. Sometimes, you would reach over or around me to then caress or be loving to your son!! Like I was invisible! Closely related: your Frozen Caveman Kisses/Hugs. Wtf, dude? How many times did I kiss you hello or goodbye only to be met with zero response: your lips clenched like they’d turned to stone, your body tensed, no response…in fact, it read as revulsion. Seriously, WTF?????
• Never having a sober conversation with you. The only time I knew you were sober was when you were at work, and you rarely conversed with me during the day. At night, by the time I got to your place or met up with you, you were already high.
• Hoping that you would change “this time around.” Believing your promises, only to have my hopes slowly, excruciatingly crushed every time.
• The mundane chaos that surrounds you: we could never just sit down and watch a movie. You are up and down a thousand times, turning on/off lights, getting/removing pillows, changing clothes. To go somewhere, it is such a production; we are never on time. You can never make a decision about anything: you change your mind a thousand times about the tiniest things. That must be why you always make me decide, make me do the appointment setting, the vacation scheduling. You are so sneaky bc that then set you up perfectly to criticize whatever plans I had made: I could never get it right.
• The emotional chaos that surrounds you: you are always in a fight with someone. Your mood changes hourly. You cycle through manias/depressions every 10-14 days. You throw temper tantrums like a four-year old. You make your son so tense, so he acts out. You made me crazy---made me a nervous wreck any time I was around you, just trying to keep a lid on your insanity. Trying to manage the storm. Trying to keep the peace. It was and will always be a losing battle.
• I try to understand your right to be an individual: that you are a creative spirit and express this through your clothing. However, so many times, we’ve gone out and I swear people thought I was with a homeless person…or a gang member (basketball jerseys, bandannas, stocking caps, baggy pants). You were so handsome: why did you dress down like this? Bizarre….
• Being your secretary/cook/maid/babysitter/travel agent…and you never, ever offering to help me with anything in my life.
• Except when you were hoovering me, you showed little to no interest in my daily activities. You made me feel small and insignificant. If I had an issue I wanted to discuss, to bounce ideas off of you, you dismissed my concerns and minimized the issue. You made a joke out of anything significant.
• Never trusting what you say: never knowing if you will show up when you say you will, never knowing if you actually love me or are just playing me, never knowing if you are being faithful. I lived in a continually heightened state of anxiety, always on guard for the next bit of drama to begin. I have felt literally sick from the adrenaline coursing through my body.
• Your cheating. You sicken me. I gave you my heart and you repaid me with an STD and constant betrayal.
• Having no interest in becoming part of my circle of friends. You never made an effort or showed any interest in getting to know my friends. You have no friends. Zero. This is really strange for an almost-40 year old.
• Issuing commands from on high: you order me around like I am your personal assistant. “Inquire about ____.” “Call me.” “Fix this document.” “Pick this up from (store)”
• Using money to manipulate me: you constantly complain about how your exes “drain you” financially, that you are barely getting by (right) yet you rarely let me pay for anything. I always offered and you got irritated that I wanted to pay. Confusing. When we finally decided to move in together, the way you discussed the division of rent was so cold and so demanding.
• Silent Treatment. If I voiced my opinion about anything, even the most trivial of subjects, and it didn’t match yours, I got ignored. If my schedule was busy with work, I got ignored. On two of our trips, when you were displeased, you ignored me but chatted up anyone around us like you were Mr. Congeniality. Ignored me for 6 hours of a 7 hour overseas flight, sitting right next to me…just because you had to sit in a center seat. Later you said: “I punished you, didn’t I?” You brag about giving the silent treatment to people at work. Keep it up, genius and you’ll lose your job, too.
• Your drama with your exwife and your exbaby mama. It never ends and you wanted me to manage it for you because I got along with them. NEWSFLASH: you could act like a responsible father and adult and behave accordingly. Pay what the courts have deemed fair. Not deny your child access to healthcare. Not verbally assault these two women and their families whenever you feel like it.
• Triangulating me with the exwife and exbaby mama. I can’t even begin to list the creative lunacy you’ve exhibited in this realm.
• Wondering if you were reading my texts and emails on my phone and computer. “Maybe I already have your phone bugged?” Wondering if you have someone tailing me…because how did you know that night what was sitting on the table next to me, when you were five blocks away in bed and I was in a basement bar, with no windows?
• Something always felt wrong when I was away from you. This isn’t normal. I only felt better if I got a ‘hit’ from you: a text or a call. I could literally feel the tension subside for a minute when this happens. It was chemical dependency. You never made me secure in your love, so I felt like I had to constantly re-impress you in order to keep your attention. If we weren’t in contact, I was concerned that you would literally forget about me. This wasn’t normal.
• Having to deny my feelings and emotions just to keep the peace. If I was quiet, I was being “Debbie Downer.” If I was happy, you made sure that didn’t last. If I was sad (usually because of something you did), you smirked.
• Being expected to read your mind. Seriously, I could never win with you. It was exhausting.
• Hearing about your totally fucked up sexual fantasies. Why did I play along? Because I was scared of losing you, scared of disappointing you, scared of sexual rejection…but really, I was scared simply because you had programmed me to be that way. I’m not scared anymore. Blackmail me with bogus claims: bring it, douchebag. I’ve got a badass attorney who will eat you alive in court.
• Love-bombing. I used to live for your words. Now, they are just insulting. Lies meant to manipulate.
• He ‘da mastah’. Made me put his sunscreen on him, rub his back, rub his side, trim his hair. What was I, your groomer?
• Wacko compliments that weren’t compliments: “Did you see that girl’s dress? You’d look great in that dress; you have such great legs.” Meanwhile, not noticing that I have a new dress on, that I look pretty amazing in said dress, and it shows most of my “great legs.” Randomly bringing up exes in stupid contexts. Talking about ‘a friend’ who mentioned something. I always knew this meant you were cheating again, because you have no friends—only people you fuck or fuck over.
• Accusing me of having some sort of secret online porn life (and making this accusation at least three times over 2 years); then, when I call to talk to you about this, you refuse to answer the phone, yet texts seconds after the phone stops ringing. “No big deal.”
• Listening to you fantasizing about strangling me. Yep, sure did.
• Watching you steal my likes/dislikes, interests, words, colloquialisms, dreams and wear them as if they were your own.
• Being used and abused.
• Bullshit “word-salad” conversations: I never felt that I could express myself openly and honestly with you. You never wanted to discuss how I feel if it happened to differ from your feelings and thoughts. As a result, our discussions were rarely substantive: we could talk about anything except our inner lives. I don’t know how you feel about anything. You never answered a question directly. As a result, I felt alone in the relationship. You denied my reality. You refused to see me as a whole person: I was just a pretty body and a fun companion.

Jul 20 - 4AM
notyourtoy's picture


Jul 19 - 7AM
Deestarr's picture

All the same

Jul 18 - 3PM
Emotionalrollercoaster's picture

In REALITY I don't miss a

Jul 18 - 12PM
whitecastle (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I don't miss

Jul 20 - 5AM (Reply to #19)
Learningthehardway's picture

Same for me.

Jul 18 - 11AM
ziggy's picture


Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
ZanShin's picture


Jul 18 - 10AM
outoftheashes's picture

Top things for me

Jul 20 - 5AM (Reply to #15)
Learningthehardway's picture


Jul 20 - 5AM (Reply to #14)
Learningthehardway's picture

how could i forget....

Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
ZanShin's picture

Yep. :/

Jul 18 - 10AM
Luckyescape's picture


Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
ZanShin's picture

Congrats on your freedom!

Jul 18 - 9AM
zeldasar's picture


Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
ZanShin's picture

You're definitely not crazy!

Jul 18 - 7AM
notyourtoy's picture


Jul 18 - 4AM
ALH's picture

so much of what you said,

Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
ZanShin's picture

So familiar

Jul 18 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Emotionalrollercoaster's picture

Ohhhh myyyy...the phone in

Jul 18 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
ALH's picture

phone in the bathroom....

Jul 18 - 4AM
Brit's picture

Writing this all out is

Jul 18 - 12AM
fefe65's picture

WOW I hope you always read