What I always wanted to say to him

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#1 Jan 28 - 10AM

neverlookback

What I always wanted to say to him

This morning I realized the ONLY way to truly show this man I had worth and value was to LET HIM GO. TO give him the message that I am a woman that deserves more than what you EVER had to offer me. I am NOT interested in joining you in your seedy, sick perverted pursuits, playing 2nd, 3rd, 4th 5th in your life, I am not a woman you can take down from your shelf to play with a few times a week, I am not a woman you can keep in your roladex to call up and demean and degrade me, what you offered me in the end was NOT what I signed up for. THe spell you had me under has been broken for a long time. I am NOT impressed by what you have and own, I would rather live in a shack than live in your castle a broken and used woman, like the woman that is living there now. I AM BETTER than that, and I will rise above your pathological sickness and pursue a life far away from the damage that predators like you inflict. It must be a feeling of real accomplishment for you to know you conned someone into believing you were even CAPABLE of loving another human being, we both know you are NOT. You have no remorse, and NO conscience for the harm you do to others and you actually delight in the pain and destruction you cause others. Your a real contribution to society as you hide behind that badge that makes you APPEAR to be a person of trust and worth, you are a person that only takes up space, you give NOTHING to society only what you are PAID to do as an employee of the county. You are a person of ROTTEN character, you are immoral, you are a coward when faced with the harm you have done to others. The only way you can get ANYONE to love you or fall in love with you is to wear a mask, a mask you wear so you can rape, con, and fool others. I got my dignity back by throwing you to the curb, your a sick piece of shit and may you rot in the black empty dark hole of the facade you live in.

That is what I always wanted to tell him before I went TOTAL NC, but guess what....... he already knows that, it would have been one of MANY letters he has received from his victims no doubt. Do I REALLY think I was the first to discover he was a psychopath? NOT!!! You get your dignity back with NC, you trash the garbage to the curb and wait for the garbage men to pick it up.

#2 Jan 28 - 8PM

Susan32

Here's what I would've said

Well, I DID call the ex-Psych professor a lying, arrogant bully to his face (he didn't like being called a jerk), and yes, I did that before going NC. I called him out on his lies, and said that being a teacher didn't give him license to emotionally abuse&bully his students. I told him "Just because a student acts inappropriately doesn't mean you can treat them however you want to." (One of his excuses during the final D&D, when he'd often reduce me to tears publicly, was that he was doing whatever he wanted to me because I was doing whatever I wanted to him) When I told him off, he was raging, and I stood there with a smarmy smile. He told me to stop smiling... and I REFUSED. He hated seeing me smile. He hated seeing me happy. And here I was, speaking in a know-it-all, voice of God, condescending tone, and SMILING. He's supposed to be a TEACHER, a role model, there for his students... and I even had him admitting that for him it was "just a role", just an act.

#3 Jan 28 - 8PM

kla2000

I believe he does know

I believe my ex-N does know. One time when he talking about how he could "accomplish anything", and what an "outstanding" motivational speaker he was, I replied to him "wow, you really have quite an ego..almost narcisstic. All of sudden, his smile disappeared, his face became pale and he gave me a creepy empty stare. He then said to me "Oh, them are some fightin' words". He was clearly pissed. I think the normal person might laugh off my comment (I said it in a kidding around way), but he took it soooo personal. He also became very angry whenever i said something he regarded as attacking him. Again, kidding around while we were chatting online, I told him he was "crazy" for spending $600 every 6 months to have his cat's teeth cleaned. He was so pissed at me that he signed off of instant messenger while we were chatting (as if to hang up on me). He signed back on 2 hours later and told me i needed to apologize to him for my comment about his cat! Has anyone experienced that sort of behavior when the Narc becomes very angry at innocent comments??

#4 Jan 28 - 8PM (Reply to #31)

Susan32

Getting mad over petty things

The ex-Psych professor raged when I gave him mild criticism of his writing. I said he used "war" as every other word, and he raged, "Because it's about 'War and Peace'!" He and I had an inflamed argument... about an episode of "The Simpsons." It's like he fundamentally did NOT get it that "The Simpsons" MOCKS pop culture&politics. He was oh so serious about it, the "Treehouse of Horror" episode in which two aliens run for President, and one has the motto "abortions for most everyone, and for everyone else, a small American flag." He'd repeat HIMSELF. He once quoted Arthur Schopenhauer who called sex "the ultimate crime" because it made more sufferers. I asked him if sex was so bad, was he the result of a virgin birth? Of course, he flew off the handle. When there was a Q&A session after his lecture, he was asked innocent questions. He'd storm about it, order students to read the text. If it was a factual question, he'd answer it. If the question had depth, he'd briskly walk to and fro. The Q&A ended with him angrily telling everyone to leave. He ended it VERY abruptly. I made innocent comments declaring my love to him... and that precipitated a very angry final D&D.

#5 Jan 28 - 8PM (Reply to #30)

ally2375

kla2000

Mine was EXTREMELY sensitive to any criticism, real or imagined. For example, he was a terrible singer. As a person with...well, ears...I can assure you that by any standard, it was truly awful. He liked to sing really loud though, especially when he was happy. I found it charming and remarkable that he was so confident to sing out like that when he was so, so bad! When I laughed one day (not mean-spirited, but more "you are so endearing") he became so defensive. I felt terrible, as I would never mean to hurt anyone's feelings, especially not his. He took it SO personally.

#6 Jan 28 - 7PM

gettinbetter

Any of them that have half a

Any of them that have half a brain and have reached their 40's know there is something wrong with them. They KNOW! They may not feel the effects that their behavior has on others but they see it. I cant believe with all of the information on the net that they havent looked up information on the dynamics going on in their failed relationships(because of course its not their fault)and not come across narcissm and felt some familiarity when they see what the possible causes are of the relationship dynamics. If they are half way high functioning by the time they have reached their 40's they KNOW. They KNOW something is different about them and their relationships they may be disordered but they are not deaf and blind.

#7 Jan 28 - 7PM (Reply to #21)

onwithmylife

sickofit

I have to disagree I do not think they know because their personality disorder is such that they have NOT a clue, it is a disease and unlike cancer that you can see and get treatment for it, NPD ,the disorder, is THEM, so how would they know otherwise, besides which it is YOUR problem, in their minds, not theirs, no empathy equals no self awareness, you are assuming they have what WE have,sad but it is not true, from my experience and research.............like Briseis said you need to switch gears and see through THEIR sick minds to understand them, not through OUR mindset.If by chance they do know a little something, they could not care less......

#8 Jan 28 - 7PM (Reply to #22)

gettinbetter

OWML

I am convinced mine knows there is something wrong with him. Hes not stupid he knows. He somewhat indicated it a couple of times in his little moments of "clarity" he just refuses to accept internalize and do something about it. He can read it but it doesnt illicit any feeling in him to change. He sees no need to change. I read that many of them are somewhat self aware. They are smart. Mine is quite successful he has the ability to read and see cause and effect but he doesnt have the ability to internalize, feel it or wear it so to speak to instigate any change. I have read where many of them have said I know I am a Narcissist but they dont do anything about it. It doesnt effect them because they dont feel it. They would feel it if they had empathy for the cause and effect of their behavior.

#9 Jan 28 - 7PM (Reply to #23)

onwithmylife

sickofit

Maybe some of them do know something is wrong with them to a small extent, mine once said to me ,"i need to live by myself and you need to find someone else"that shows to me a slight glimmer of knowing something is not quite right, but being the personality disorder that it is, that is as far as it will get because you are asking for self awareness from them and there is none to be gained, don't forget they are not about to google on narcissism,mine for instance did not even know the word and he is a smart, college educated man. It is like a fog over their minds, that might slightly lift a tiny bit and then come down again. In one of the other posts by NLB, blueeyes and brises both mention the humanity that appeared before them for a fleeting moment and then faded away.

#10 Jan 28 - 7PM (Reply to #24)

gettinbetter

yes he basically told me in

yes he basically told me in one of his little moments of clarity to run for my life. I just didnt get it. He told me in a very calm, sad depressed voice "sick of it, He will treat you better than I will" I remember thinking at the time WTF? all this time you have been telling how it was gonna be so much better this time and now you say this! Anyway he claimed that he and his ex girlfriend were going to couples counseling and SHE was diagnosed with bi polar and that eventhough they had broken up he was still going to counseling. My best guess is they told him he was Bi polar (a common misdiagnose for narcissism) I feel in my heart he knows. He sees how all of his peers have gone on to marry yet he never has. I cant believe that he hasnt wondered why all of his relationships end in an ugly nasty way. He would never look up narcissism but there are all sorts of dynamics that you could look up that would lead him there. I never looked up narcissism. I didnt have a clue. I just knew there was something very very wrong and began looking up lying and constant cheating and it lead me here

#11 Jan 28 - 8PM (Reply to #25)

onwithmylife

sickofit

here is a perfect example of what I am talking about, in a letter to him a few years ago when I dare ask him why the relationship after 15 years felt so out of balance and was always about his wants/needs, what about mine, he d and d'ed me. I asked him also who is the common denominator in 5 FAILED relationships??? I got back in the mail this HATEFUL/SPITEFUL letter calling me a whore, slut, on the internet when we were together, he threw the book at me and the question was perfectly valid.They will DIE first before they LOOK INWARD..i still say that you are giving him too much credit,in the department of emotionally maturity, they are' emotionally underdeveloped" as my therapist astutely commented , encased in the mind of a 2 year old toddler.FROZEN in time emotionally due to some early childhood trauma or poor parenting or both.I think you will break freer if you understand the concept of who he really is instead of banging your head against the wall, thinking he is more emotionally mature than he really is...I looked up narcissism because I wondered if that is what was wrong with him,never dreaming I was right and Sam Vaknin's book was the first one I bought and the lightbulb went off.

#12 Jan 28 - 8PM (Reply to #28)

gettinbetter

I read somewhere just he

I read somewhere just he other day that one of the core factors in narcissm is their inability to learn from their mistakes. They can interpret that they have done something wrong but there lack of empathy keeps them from doing anything to change their behavior. That would require introspection and internalization both of which they are not capable but they do know right from wrong good vs bad etc... Here's my introspection... Im doing whatever it takes to make sure I dont get involved in the sh*T again LOL! Internalization and introspection complete! LOL

#13 Jan 28 - 8PM (Reply to #26)

gettinbetter

Oh I dont think hes

Oh I dont think hes emotionally mature at all. In fact I see that we both behave like two little toddlers regarding the control. I say your not the boss of me and He says yes I am. I say no your not and it goes on and on until he says I dont want to play with you anymore sick of it. He is however quite intellectual. He can read and interepret the meaning of things he just cant feel them or internalize it or look inward but he has the ability to understand cause and effect. He just prefers to think Im the cause. From things he told me when I stumbled across him he was coming off of a severe narcissistic injury according to Sam thats the only time they are capable of any introspection but the minute they get supply introspection time is over. The issue at this point is no longer his narcissism for me. For me its becoming more about my codependence. I know that it is not normal for a happily married woman to enter into a romantic relationship with a former boyfriend and when she learns of his disorder still engages with him. This is where I come into play. I should not be feeling all of this obsession. I will say its died down alot mostly in the last two weeks. For me I see the whole dynamic between he and I and how it has played out. The point for me now is what am I going to do about what I have learned about myself to avoid getting entrapped with him again cause if I dont its only a matter of time until he shows up again and Ill be right back where I started.

#14 Jan 28 - 8PM (Reply to #27)

kla2000

I'm right there

The issue at this point is no longer his narcissism for me. For me its becoming more about my codependence. I know that it is not normal for a happily married woman to enter into a romantic relationship with a former boyfriend and when she learns of his disorder still engages with him. This is where I come into play. I should not be feeling all of this obsession. I will say its died down alot mostly in the last two weeks. For me I see the whole dynamic between he and I and how it has played out. The point for me now is what am I going to do about what I have learned about myself to avoid getting entrapped with him again cause if I dont its only a matter of time until he shows up again and Ill be right back where I started. Hi Sick Of It...I'm right there with you struggling with the exact same thing!

#15 Jan 28 - 6PM

solost

beautifully said NLB! i

beautifully said NLB! i would like to say to mine: I know what you are. Not only are you a sick, twisted narcissist, you are a pedophile. I know what you are.

#16 Jan 28 - 6PM

narcissizednomore

Well said!

I particularly like.. "You are a person of ROTTEN character, you are immoral, you are a coward when faced with the harm you have done to others." Thanks for venting and saying everything all of us feel.

narcissizednomore

#17 Jan 28 - 5PM

Amazed

Yes, he knows that, and he knew his outcome from the beginning

Awful part of how they scheme is that they know the trap they are putting you in from the very beginning. Knowledge is power. YOU have the knowledge, and the power now. Thank God.

#18 Jan 28 - 5PM

agnesmurphy17

What I Want to Say?

I want to send him a photograph of me, his first ex-wife, and his ex-girlfriend -- all seated together at the same table. Amazing since his ex-wife lives in a foreign country. And say, "I got your number. I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU & WHAT YOU ARE!" Mine is very secretive. Does not go on & on about new woman. In fact, acts as if he's devastated at the end of the relationship. All the while carrying on with a new woman immediately. Feeding her all sorts of manfactured mythologies of the one who just left. And he's paranoid. Seeing me with his two ex's would really make him nervous. Also, say I'm gonna send your e-mail you wrote to me that your father broke my decorative plate -- I'm gonna send that to him with a photograph of the woman who replaced me & my decorative plate together in a mirror. Sort of 'proof of life' that the image post-dates the e-mail. That would upset my N very much if his father would learn 1. N stole the plate & 2. Blamed its loss on his father with a lie. Oh baby. Me who was always crazy & stupid. I figured you out.

#19 Jan 28 - 4PM

prettypeeved

What I would say?

I am not your emotional puppet to play with whenever you please. I am a human being, worthy of respect and to be treated in a dignified manner. If you aren't capable of understanding this then you are not worthy of my attention any longer.

#20 Jan 28 - 3PM

Scoop

Beautifully put , high five

Beautifully put , high five siter !xx

#21 Jan 28 - 4PM (Reply to #14)

Alive

scoop

where have you been? missed you...(happynow)

#22 Jan 28 - 2PM

Briseis

You DO tell him all of this

You DO tell him all of this by going No Contact. You tell him in a way that he can't argue with and he knows it.

#23 Jan 28 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

neverlookback

I AGREE

I am sure in his eyes he thinks "another one bit the dust" but he is the one everyday who has to look at himself in the mirror and KNOWS he is F'd up, you would think they would start to figure that out when women start to go NC with them, but they never learn and they are incapable of change and so goes the cycle of the narco path.

#24 Jan 28 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

Briseis

As you go along, it matters

As you go along, it matters less and less, then not at all, what "he thinks". That will happen naturally. What keeps us ladies hooked in is that we assume we KNOW what he's thinking. The truth is, he is so disordered that his "thinking" is nothing like what we take for granted in ourselves. You know what I've concluded? They DON'T think, inside themselves. I believe this is a fact demonstrated by their behavior. For him to think "another one bites the dust" takes way too much MORE mental and emotional ability than a Narc actually HAS. It's not for lack of intelligence that they don't think. It's lack of ability to reflect and put information together with experience and to draw conclusions from it. I believe (and do so because of direct experience) that they lack to capacity to think such things. So in that light, you are off the hook :D Don't "torture" yourself with what you ASSUME he's probably thinking (not just you, NLB, but everyone here). You are giving the Narc too much credit, and assuming he has normal mental and emotional abilities they do not possess and never will.

#25 Jan 28 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

onwithmylife

Briseis

I think you are right on in your comment about them NOT THINKING inside themselves because they lack EMPATHY=SELF AWARENESS. I think by george, I have finally got it! We do give them way much too much credit and assume too much that they think like a normal person does, like us. We are mere objects in their mind to use at their disposal, like the good ole toaster.To view people as objects is hard to comprehend, but it helps to try, , to put yourself in their mindset, however briefly and get a new perspective.

#26 Jan 28 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

Briseis

It makes all the difference

It makes all the difference in the world to try and understand how they think. Then you see how we are not dealing with "equals". I hate to put it that way, but honey, it's the truth. A five year old child is not our "equal", in terms of mentation and emotional wherewithal. And a Narc has the emotional skill set of a toddler. They can have an IQ in the stratosphere, but interpersonally, they are deeply retarded. They have a profound disability.

#27 Jan 28 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

onwithmylife

Briseis

I guess you would call it a lack of emotional intelligence,I think back to so many times he could not make"small talk', took him to my graduation and he stood there like a fish out of water and not because he was shy or quiet, he looked so uncomfortable, now it is all coming into perspective ust how emotionally underdeveloped these men really are, as my therapist once said to me.He did not want to use the word retarded and I think he is right.They really are emotionally frozen in the mind of a 2 year old toddler, what a shame......

#28 Jan 28 - 2PM

onwithmylife

NEVERLOOKBACK

Wonderful comments, you should have said that to my EXNARC, these are all the things I wish I could tell him ,{ he would never get it}and in ADDITION I would add, if I could get him alone in an elevator, what the hell did you MOTHER DO TO YOU??????????????????????I always thought he was using up resources and giving NOTHING good back to society, useless piece of crap........

#29 Jan 28 - 12PM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

yaaay!!!! love it and I'm

yaaay!!!! love it and I'm sure it feels good to put down how you feel in black and white. More power to you though for not actually sending it....wouldn't he of just loved it if you had of. NC is the only way. Good luck neverlookback keep going and never look back :-))

#30 Jan 28 - 11AM

faithinthefuture

neverlookback

This deserves a standing ovation!

#31 Jan 28 - 10AM

michele115 (not verified)

applause

I could not have said it better....

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