What He Tapped Into (and Why I Stayed!)
What He Tapped Into (and Why I Stayed!)
I was reading the book "Fatal Flaws: Navigating Destructive Relationships With People With Disorders of Personality and Character" by Dr. Stuart Yudofsky and he writes this on p. 462:
"To escape, avoid, and survive destructive people, you must understand how and why you became involved with such people in the first place."
Through Lisa's books and others, it's been a constant work of self-evaluation and self-discovery these past 10 months or so. I've been striving to understand how it was that I let him overstep my boundaries and why did I give away my power? Why and in what ways did I collude with him in his delusional world?
I've said in previous posts that Mr. Narc wasn't THAT good. I was groomed in childhood for such a destructive man. I was pre-programmed and ready-to-wear...A ripe fruit falling from the tree!
I've really been pondering (and working through) some of these issues... What 'hooked' me into his madness? Why was I perceived as an easy target? Why did I afford him so many chances- when he clearly was 'off'?
Obviously, I can't answer this all in one post, but I do want to share what I believe Narc-Boy 'tapped' into, for me, anyway.
He pretty much tapped into my childhood wishes. A desire, from infancy to be validated- to matter to someone, anyone. A desperate yearning for love and connectedness.
None of our parents were perfect and we all have unfulfilled desires- but if you, like me, were raised by personality disordered people (or emotionally unavailable parents)- well, let's just say that our need for validation is much greater (and our tolerance for poor behavior also much higher!)
My parents were so self-absorbed that my siblings and I were pretty much invisible...Until THEY had a need. Their volatile household was not a calm, safe or nurturing place. The atmosphere of high-drama (and occasional violent episodes) kept me hyper-vigilant- 'in-tune' and proactive to the needs of my disturbed care-givers. My parents intermittently noticed that I had emotional needs- and inconsistently met a few of those needs- completely at THEIR convenience.
My siblings and I grew adept at tip-toeing around the land mines and we learned to savor every morsel of their mealy crumbs of affection. We sucked dry every word of praise- rarely uttered by our parents- most often from teachers and acquaintances.
The worst part, for me, were all the broken promises. There's not room for them here but the implication was always that all things would be 'better' tomorrow or 'some day' in the near future (be a patient and deserving girl until then). Some day I'll matter. Some day my feelings will be validated. Some day I'll be heard. Some day my tears will be dried and I'll be loved.
Is it any wonder, then, why a NarcoPath seems like 'Home, Sweet Home' to me?
Maybe your parents weren't as crazy as mine. Perhaps you were raised by an alcoholic/chemically addicted parent? Or a single mother and an absent father (or vice-versa). Parents who worked too much and were just not 'there' for you? There are many ways that care-givers become emotionally unavailable. Death. A chronic illness. Debilitating depression or other mental issues.
Point being is that none of us escape childhood without SOME damage- some unfulfilled dreams and wishes.
And that's what Mr. NarcoPath tapped into. That 'Some Day' of my childhood was now. FINALLY. NOW I matter. Now my feelings are (finally) being validated. NOW I'm (at last) being heard. NOW I have that love I've been yearning for my whole life...
He hooked into- and later exploited- that longing of mine to feel accepted and no longer invisible. His arms, he promised, were going to be that calm, safe and nurturing place I had always hoped for. He whispered in my ear that he was forever going to watch my back- I could finally put to rest my hyper-vigilant ways. He not only NOTICED me and my emotional needs but he was WILDLY obsequious and attentive to those needs. In the beginning.
Well, because he's a Narc, you know how this ended. The invalidation crept in a soupçon at a time. He ignored my text. Once. Then twice. The devaluation came in tiny waves- a promise to call or spend more time together and then, simply 'forgetting' what he said. He ardently promised to bring back those good times- SOME DAY in the near future when his work wasn't so demanding. The communications began to feel completely controlled by him and we met at his convenience. I began to savor every morsel of his mealy, intermittent crumbs of affection. But if I was a PATIENT and deserving girl, SOMEDAY he will again validate my feelings and the 'good times' will be back. Soon. I just know it!...
I know I'm stating the obvious here but I write this to say that this is also why his betrayal cuts so deep and his 'de-masking' is just so horrific. Too much was riding on this 'relationship' and he felt oh, so familiar- like we've known him forever because, in some ways, we have! He IS that disapproving and impossible to please mother. Or that distracted and punitive father.
By connecting these dots- from childhood to present, I can better see how I also idealized Narc-Boy, how I expect to get all my validation from relationships and in what ways I colluded with him, thus supporting him in his insanity.
Again I say that we (non PD's) are the more fortunate ones. We have the ability to self-reflect, grow and change.
The Narc, as discussed in other threads, has NO REAL SELF- they are empty, needy, hollow people.
Thanks for reading this- it's a long one- and do something today that nurtures and fulfills you!
Im speechless...
a profound sense of relief
I could have written this post
So we get to the cause (our
Predetermined versus predestined...
Who am I to question The Creator of the Universe?
no more an echo
perfect narc target
NMAE, my mum has severe
Never again.
Yes, it's lovely to have my
Inner Work
lucky, too!
A hook in a deep place
echo, hope you know how much
many never wake up & leave
You just wrote the story of my life :)
men who feel "familiar."
Echo, that zing is the scary
terminally unique
Major freaks! I now totally
Lovely, DITTO:
Yes juliette. After a
"the zing"