WHAT HAPPENS?

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Mar 1 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
bgirl
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Wow! Thank u for all of

Wow! Thank u for all of that...what a sweetie u are xx
Mar 1 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
jones
jones's picture

Your welcome. Stay strong :-)

Your welcome. Stay strong :-)
Mar 1 - 5PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

girl, there is absolutely

girl, there is absolutely nothing you want out of life? That statement makes me very sad. There is a whole world out there to embrace and enjoy. I believe you are suffering from PTSD and should look into treatment for it. You will see a difference sooner than you think possible. You have been a member now for 12 weeks, you are still raw. Take your time working through the steps. It takes quite some time to recover, at minimal, 18 months. Try starting at the beginning again and take the steps a bit slower. You will see the difference. My best to you in your recovery. And finding the one thing in life that is just for you and only you. and brings you the happiness you deserve. For me, it's wine...........just kidding. I saw a post on Facebook earlier that someone said "Wine, my favorite of the five basic food groups" thought it was funny!
Mar 1 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Well.....

Sparrow for me it is Caramel Easter Eggs!! I think it is more I have no idea who B is??? I have never consumed alcohol, tried drugs, been out to pubs or been to social gatherings like parties. I was never allowed to go out as a child. Wasn't allowed friends over. Never went on school trips. Wasn't allowed a part time job. We didn't have a telephone until I was 16 years old. I wasn't given medication for illness...my sisters and I, we just suffered. We didn't know any different. I have not been out for dinner with couples or groups ever. I take my children to their elite sport commitments...(they have 16 sessions between them per week)...I have no social skills as such with adults, but I was an excellent teacher. I am good with kids because I'm probably still a child myself....emotionally anyways. Who knows how to rebuild a person? I am struggling. What do I like? I don't know. What do I want? I don't know. What am I good at? Whatever I've been told I should be good at!!!! So who is B and how do I find her? He's the only one I was brave enough to open up to. He is the only person I've ever trusted in my life. I took a massive risk with him and lost everything. That is ok. The job, the house, the lifestyle...I could honestly live in a tent and I'd be fine but it was him...what I thought he represented....that's what I miss...I thought it was alright to have a shot at being me for the first time ever...and then I got rejected and spat out...and I will never do that again. Ever...and If what I want more than anything doesn't exist...my belief system is shattered....does that make sense???
Mar 1 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Well .. I still think of the

Well .. I still think of the dog Whisperer.. I just don't talk much about it anymore.. I don't bank on anyone else to make me happy.. But I am happy.. A man isn't the end all be all .. I know I have a husband.. But even my husband isn't always fond of the new independent Hunter.. I like to Cook so I Cook.. I like a massage I get a massage.. I like to read so I read.. I have friends, dogs, family all of what makes me happy.. I think you still looking in all the wrong places.. Also it really hasn't been that long.. Hunter
Mar 1 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Nope not looking in the wrong

Nope not looking in the wrong places. I know it starts and ends with me. I don't want to hang out with me anymore. That's just it. I don't want a man in my life. Period. I don't have my abusive judgemental family in my life anymore. Full stop. End of story. I just don't believe in anything anymore. I've given selflessly for 20years to children in my community. I look back now at what used to make me tick...there is nothing. It is like he has erased my emotional memory. Yes it was love. Unconditional love. Same as what I have for my children but obviously more intense as it is mind, body, heart and soul. I know my children love me but I would never lean on them for support...just so I feel loved...what a way to deep the cycle of dysfunction revolving. I don't want him. I know if I had ended up with him I would be dead by now. I also know I was an insignificant blip on his life's radar and by now he wouldn't even know my name. I am not that self absorbed or deluded that I think I meant anything to him. Why would I think that when it is all I have known my entire life. He is the straw that broke the camel's back...and I'm pretty scared that this camel is not going to get back up... :-? B
Mar 1 - 3PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Was it really love you felt

Was it really love you felt with him? One of the recent breakthroughs I had in therapy was the realisation that I have had 3 relationships that felt extra-special, and that each one was actually more to do with worshipping the other person than loving them. Each one was one-sided, and each one, I began to realise, mirrored the kind of relationship I'd been brought up with by my father, i.e. one where I constantly tried to win love that was always held just out of reach. Once I realised that, I realise that as much as life with Narc Boy felt "right" it was also dangerous and unhealthy and based on old wounds. This sounds similar to what you've been through.
Mar 1 - 3PM
spinning
spinning's picture

bgirl, dearheart, I

think of you often and am so glad you are posting again. You are one of the women here who risked it all for a disordered manipulator. I, too, sadly share that commonality. bgirl, are you in therapy? I note you are doing many good things in terms of getting to the bottom of this, but wonder if you may need some anti-depressants or other medication? I am not a physician, nor an expert, but from the tone of your post I wonder if this is something you considered. If I'm speaking out of turn, I stand corrected. My intent is to try to reach out to you to let you know that YOU ARE SIGNIFICANT IN THE BIG SCHEME OF THINGS! That's why you are here! I do not know what your spirituality is, but in my belief system we all have value and significance. There is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to be happy! The trick is BELIEVING THAT YOU CAN BE HAPPY! It's so hard when we've been so duped to believe anything ever again, but you must try...find the joy in little things. Your kids are beautiful aren't they? They love you a lot! bgirl, hun, I believe you already have the key that will unlock your burden...you write: "perhaps the issue of NEVER knowing the feeling of love...prior to N...and also continuously trying, striving, working to be better, kinder, more caring, more understanding, smarter, less annoying so someone in the hope that someday they will be kind to you in return..." YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EARN ANYONE'S APPROVAL OR KINDNESS or LOVE EXCEPT YOUR OWN! You are a good person! Your only "mistake" was to believe a two-timing manipulator and put all your cards on the table! If you let that define you forever you will be lost. LET IT GO! Let go of the shame. Shame is toxic and is the basis for many addictions. You do not have to carry the burden of shame. You have the power to forgive yourself and know that your heart is (was) pure! What is shameful in that??? bgirl, please fight. It is at these times when we must fight the hardest. I remember being exactly where you are right now and it was absolutely horrible. I started finding small things to be happy about and grateful for (a beautiful strawberry, my cat (talk about pathetic), hot water for a shower...etc. etc.) pretty soon I remembered that life didn't really suck, that there were some pretty great things right in front of me that had absolutely nothing to do with the DESTROYER FREAK BOY and so I concentrated on that. Like you, I was tired of it consuming so much of my energy...he had already taken so much I became determined not to let him take another precious minute. If nothing else, bgirl, know that you are important, valued, you have a lot to give and a lot going for you. Don't let this take you down! PLEASE!! Hugs from, (not) spinning. AND SO WISHING I COULD STOP YOUR SPIN TOO!

spinning

Mar 1 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Spinning this exactly how I

Spinning this exactly how I feel...wanna come to Australia for a holiday so we can share stories on how we wrote our own recipes for disaster?? xx B
Mar 2 - 3AM (Reply to #3)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

bgirl

We have private chatted a few times..and I have said this to your before but I will say it again... I wish you could see in yourself what I see when I talk to you.. You are a funny, intelligent, caring, strong lady. You have charisma and a real fight in you. I too was against anti deps..but I couldnt function without them...they arent a long term fix, they arent addictive, you arent on them forever and they dont make you feel happy. What they do do is create a barrier so your seratonin levels dont fall below a certain level..this means you feel better in yourself, you have more days when you feel you can get up out of bed. It may be worth just talking to your doc..they give you a questionairre and then decide if it is worth a try. Thats just what I found and I know they arent for everyone. Have you made any moves to meet new people hon? Friends? I know you have moved and it must be lonely at times. You have been so brave, he corrupted your past make steps so he doesnt corrupt your here and now. Big hug to you x x x
Mar 2 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Hey Snowflake xxx This is not

Hey Snowflake xxx This is not about him anymore...not looking to heal by the very knife that cut me..no way! This is about me becoming so enmeshed with someone that I no longer have an identity. Never mind the no job, no fixed address or no relationships to speak of... I am more concerned with how to find a will to live..some confidence, some feelings of self worth, the desire to take care of myself. I have none. I think I gave it all to him...he has literally sucked the life out of me...
Mar 2 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Bgirl

When we have chatted, that has come through really strongly and I know you arent looking to him, its about getting yourself out of that no mans land and into your spiritual place..you need some ideas to get to the next stage. I know your kids mean everything but you cant live your life just for them hon... x x x
Mar 2 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

I am just very, very