What to do with those Crazymaking Double Messages

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Anonymous (not verified)
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What to do with those Crazymaking Double Messages

Crazymaking: giving mixed messages, opposing messages, double binds, saying one thing and doing its opposite, behaving opposite to one's words.

1. Identify crazymaking messages/ behaviors for what they are. Whenever you have that gut feeling that what you've just heard doesn't stack up, stop and identify for yourself: what is the mismatch, the contradictory information, the non-sense to it? The first requirement is that you are clear about what has just happened, that you don't internalize a crazymaking message as a valid message.

2. Decide what your best response is. You may choose to simply respond internally by saying to yourself, "That's a contradictory message." Or, "The words don't match the non-verbals or actions."

You may decide to respond to the one making the statement or exhibiting the behavior with, "That doesn't add up." Or, "That doesn't make sense to me," without asking or even desiring to discuss it further. This is best done in a level tone without any accusation or complaint, just simply stating that it isn't a sentence or claim that makes sense, or doesn't match up with what you are seeing.

3. Notice whether the double message is a warning of action that may come. With some abusers a crazymaking statement or double message is an indication that more abuse is to follow. That someone is vulnerable and the abuser is going to strike further into vulnerable territory. If that is the observed abuser's style, then get away from them, protect the vulnerable people. Avoid the abuser and get you and the children away into other activities where they are less vulnerable.

4. Strengthen your own personal boundaries and beef up your self-care. Double messages are intended to make people feel confused and vulnerable, insecure and doubtful. Use this opportunity to make yourself and those you love see things clearly, and be more fully protected. Use it as fuel for moving in the direction of enriching yourself and your children rather than retreating in vulnerable fear or sadness.

5. When you get double messages or crazymaking it may be an invitation from the abuser for you to engage in an argument or fight. Do something else instead. Create distance from them. Don't reward the double message with what they are going for, let them learn through experience that it doesn't work and gets them even less of what they want.

6. Remember that action works better to get what you want than talk does, especially with an abuser.

http://www.abuserecoverycentral.net/

narcsurvivor
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Tonight, I had another
Tonight, I had another realization about another person in my life; this one about a close friend or someone who I thought was close. After an incident this weekend and yet another mixed message, I began to see things in a different light about our friendship, and I am convinced that she is a narcissist though she acts like the biggest victim. I have just spent the last two hours writing it all out and becoming more convinced in the process. Writing is a powerful tool for opening one's eyes! But I still can't believe it about my friend:( http://goodbyenarcissism.wordpress.com
Barbara (not verified)
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martyr
playing martyr is HUGE for Ns - a big source of ATTENTION for them ~~~~~~~~~ Repetition does not transform a lie into the truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
narcsurvivor
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I still can't believe it.
I still can't believe it. I'm just in shock that I have confided so much in her and done so much for this friendship that I now realize is missing so many normal elements a friendship has. I'm truly shocked and dismayed. http://goodbyenarcissism.wordpress.com
Barbara (not verified)
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narcsurvivor
I relate in a way. The girl I mentioned here: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/04/06/stunned always came off as sweet & concerned. Totally drew me out and got me to spill my guts about Narc #1 - then when she got the intel she wanted I was personna non grata. I know, even with all my knowledge its still shocking & horrifying that people use us this way. ~~~~~~~~~ Repetition does not transform a lie into the truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
narcsurvivor
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Funny thing, I had read that
Funny thing, I had read that post; perhaps it stuck in my subconscious and helped me in shedding light on my friendship with this girl. WOW. http://goodbyenarcissism.wordpress.com
Barbara (not verified)
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not you
I think what really pisses me off, despite it being 19 years ago... is not only that she USED me to get intel on my first N and where he was, etc... (NO I am NOT jealous... I wish she'd been honest - I probably would have told her anyway...) BUT, that she then proceeded to write me to say "do not EVER contact me again for ANY reason" and shortly thereafter he and another friend of his starting telling people from our high school I was stalking & obsessed with him. I hadn't seen him in years and was happily married at the time. That information got back to my late, beloved Father who was so upset. THAT is what pissed me off. Believe me ladies, some people are the same a**holes they were when they were 15 years ago. And there will never be any accountability! I am sorry about that girl narcsurvivor - but at least you found out... can you imagine if you'd never found out and walked around for life blaming yourself for oddities in that relationship? I did that in many of my relationships over the years and in the last 9 or so... I got SICK of it and SICK of being portrayed as some kook or looney tune when it had NOTHING to do with me at all. ~~~~~~~~~ Repetition does not transform a lie into the truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
MsVulcan500
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narcsurvivor
I think you're right. Everything we are learning is going to help us in the future with these predators. We may get sucked in for a while, but not nearly like we did before. We are learning not to ignore those gut feelings or red flags. We are learning to not give someone the benefit of the doubt so many times. And I also think like you said when something is just kind of "off" as we've all described, we will catch on quicker that it is REALLY off.
Barbara (not verified)
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What to do with those Crazymaking Double Messages
READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ Repetition does not transform a lie into the truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
grossot
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im glad to see this also
This was very helpful. I'm sure there are tons of instances where N does this to me but I'd like to dispell one recent instance if for no other reason than to clarify the situation for myself. I have vowed not to change the temporary custody agreement during the holidays bc as we all know, N will use this as a loophole for manipulation. And of course N came up with a 'proposal' for a change in schedule. The change meant my daughter would not be with me over the holiday weekend which is my weekend with her (we have nothing court ordered yet as far as holidays go). Bc I said no, he redesigned the exchange situation saying he'd call me on christmas day when daughter woke up for my turn with her. I argued no there has to be a time set. Instead of adressing my complaint he rants and raves about why he wanted her over christmas when he said he did. First it was so she could be with his family. Then it was bc 'there would be opportunity for one on one time' making it sound like he wanted to be with his daughter w/o gf or her kids around. When I retaliated saying I would rather gf be around for supervisory reasons he pretends that he he was referring to gf having one on one time with daughter so they can bond. I know, from comparing notes with his gf' exH that my N and his gf are trying to tell us (me and gf's exH) stories they think we want to hear in order to have their kids at the same time over the holidays. N doesn't know I know this; I just simply say no. Side note* this is exactly why I took Barbara's suggestion to demand everything be communicated via email. Now I can see his nonsense in black and white. I don't second guess myself anymore. I can see the spell he's trying to cast. http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled
Ellen
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I'm glad to see this
Hi Barbara, Thanks for this one. This is what the childminder is doing by making a huge deal about the money i pay every week and then when i say shall i drop it in or transfer it she said whatever suits you as if it was never a problem. I just stay calm and don't show her i'm affected but i have started to feel bullied. I am going to remove myself now and not get involved. I can sense it will only get worse. My son is doing the same as he lives with my narc dad. He gaslights too. I find i get a stomach ache around him these days. My ex narc.......well he's having a psychosis lol.
Scoop
Scoop's picture
The power of mixed messages
It was the mixed messages that i noticed right away with my narc . The first night we got together he jumped into my bed after allowing him to sleep on the floor of my hotel room at a confrence . After jumping into bed we began kissing and hugging which turned passionate until he came on my leg (sorry too much information) . After he had done his thing he started to tell me why he didnt want to be with me and i had miss read his signals that he liked me but all the while he was still kissing me and hugging me .So i tryed to break it down . 1 he got into bed with me 2 he kisses me 3 he hug me all night 4 he tells me i miss read the signals that he liked me . In the morning i went to find some tea and when i got back into the room he said sorry about last night the real reason he didnt want to sleep with me was because he was worryed about his sexual performance (quite right he should have been, he was rubbish in bed ) . This was the point that i stopped thinking clearly for a whole year . We went to breakfast and said our good byes and he said " i hope we understand each other" as his passing words ....! There where red flags that night big time but how quickly i went under with this man is frightening . The power of mixed messages is great , in just a few short hours i was under his spell . Scoop x
windycitygirl
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i seldom tell
my nh about anything, just trying to make it until I can get a job, but had gone out of town saturday to be with my kids and saw a lady that I had known years ago and was telling nh about her divorce, etc... his reaction was "and why do I need to know about any of this"? I said it is called conversation, that is what married people do at times, talk.. next thing you know he is saying do I need to leave (as in move out)...knowing that I have no income... I said nothing...am just praying for a job to support myself.
gullablegull (not verified)
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I don't know where you live,
I don't know where you live, but in my state you can leave anyway. If you want a divorce and you are a dependent, you can find an attorney that will represent you "pendeme lite". Any monies that are available to you are legal to peruse in the case of leaving and providing safe shelter. Sneak to an attorney and check out this avenue. The sooner you escape or run him off, the better off you will be. I need a job too...but have been traumatized by the discovery of what my marriage actually is/was. If I had one right now, I probably couldn't keep it, so I am doing the best I can. I managed to humilate him and make him leave us in his home....but he had hoped to do the same to me and the children? Knowing full well that we are completely dependent on him as he wished? There is no low too low for these guys, and the more they get to see you suffer, the more empowered they are. I wish you luck windycitygirl.