What do they feel?

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#1 Aug 24 - 4PM

imabloke

What do they feel?

Interesting one this.. after reading the post on forgiveness. Which is a 'feeling'. What do they feel?

I know my ex (she). Would cry in corner about how she felt she has fucked her life up and screewed it up for her kids etc. But no remorse for the crap she has dealt out to past partners!
She would sometimes be in bed with self loathing 'i'm a bad mum i'm a bad person' (possibly because she was cheating or lining up the next victim) no matter how i would say that 'You're fabulous' 'You are such a wonderful person' 'i'm so lucky i have you in my life' and loads more.. God listening to myself now - Christ i was hooked!

I'm sure that they reflect on this at times and i think they envy any past partners/friends etc. doing well and being happy in their lifes etc. That's why NC is so final, solid and important.

So in conclusion I think they do have to deal with guilt, depression, and reflect on the BS/lies that they have dished out.
What do you guys think?

#2 Aug 27 - 6AM

Mariline

they feel only four things:

they feel only four things: superiority;inferiority; rage; and envy. A disorder is this. They do not feel anything else.

#3 Aug 28 - 12PM (Reply to #40)

Jewwell

And I would add one more -Anger

And I would add one more -ANGER. There is always anger brewing right under the surface -- hidden well for a long time...but then it appears!

#4 Aug 28 - 3PM (Reply to #41)

Susan32

It's always anger

The ex-Psych professor and I spent the D&D constantly arguing. I'd tell him "I can tell you're angry. Why are you angry?" He'd say "I'm not angry, I'm disappointed." But this was after he said he was OFFENDED because I had declared my love to him. If you're offended... you're angry. He was in deep denial about being angry. His anger was SO OBVIOUS and he expected me to believe him???

#5 Aug 26 - 6PM

miinx

they only regret their own personal loss.

mine only regrets when he is caught. he regrets the loss of valuable supply. he regrets situations because they have brought him problems and discomfort. the feelings of others aren't even a blip on his radar.

#6 Aug 27 - 11AM (Reply to #38)

Used

minx

but they are still regrets, minx, and to even have regrets it still a source of pain,the n used to say tome i know what ive lost in you not wanting to be with me, and when i see you with a friend or your family, smiling or communacating, he says to his self, you had all that with her, a good freind, an ally, a companion, i had it all and f..ked it up, so tho yes they are actors, for someone to even think about someone like that ,they have given it thought. exn, had a breakdown when i first told him it was over.and[ he had loads of other supply all skanks mostly] .i gave him kudos iwas respectable, well liked and selective] he went on medication, into therapy, his family asked people to go and see him, he stayed in his home for mnths. no one would, including his family, call it loss of supply call it what you will, but if they can always get supply, why would they mourn what they have lost. b/c with people like them, ALWAYS LOOKING FOR THAT POT OF GOLD,at the end of the rainbow, relize they already had it. and that is the loss that .wakes them up for a while, my n knew loads of people when i first knew him[specially woman] well he has now become friends with a drug addict male, who is 16 years younger than himself. my point is he was always against drugs big time and wouldnt entertain anyone doing drugs. put when your options become smaller and smaller, you take what you can get and get lower and lower. he still tries after 10mnths nc, to try to speak or be where i am . why would you do that if you find it so easy to move on or disappear for weeks.

#7 Aug 27 - 5AM (Reply to #32)

imabloke

MIINX I think you're right...

Its difficult - as we've all had different experiences. But mine definitely felt some sort of regret... the sobbing the silences the depression etc. and she would talk about previous relationships. Sometimes regarding them as prizes, conquests and sometimes what appeared to be regret. But WE have to remain focused and realize that the is no real future with these people - only pain in the end. Just from the way i see it.

#8 Aug 27 - 11AM (Reply to #33)

miinx

regret

It was always hard for me to not feel some sort of hurt, or need to comfort him when he came crying and screaming for me after i left, threatening suicide, etc. After all - we're normal people.. we feel empathy for others. It helped me worlds to see these tantrums for what they really were - something akin to a spoiled, self centered child throwing a tantrum because their favorite toy was taken away - a tantrum that will be quickly pushed aside when they realize the opportunity for a newer, shinier toy.

#9 Aug 29 - 6AM (Reply to #37)

agnesmurphy17

Tantrums

I agree. But not necessarily that the toy was taken away but that reality is not as they want it to be. And the moaning for the past love is really THAT person would have made things right in this situation now. Also, mine too would do the weeping, seemingly -- I am inferior -- act. I think that is the regret-realization that "I am less than perfect -- I have made a mistake which I cannot get out of right now" syndrome. And all that weeping is a manipulation tactic to get the 'victim' to sympathize with N as opposed to N fessing up and taking responsibility for the pain N has just engendered. Also, sometimes I think it's all a smokescreen to deflect attention from other areas. These guys have so many layers of activities going on. They create a commotion over here to defelct attention from over there.

#10 Aug 27 - 1PM (Reply to #34)

imabloke

Weird crap...

There is some weird feelings going on.. 'toys' is a good description of us.. we are 'toys' - they get fed up with one, then find a new toy.. when the old toy has disappeared... they regret or whatever, seems to creep up on them... that's why they come back or want to know or whatever I just can't make sense of it. Some how i just know in my heart she (my ex) will make some sort of contact somehow... time will tell and she'll have to make the first move. It's curiosity.

#11 Aug 27 - 2PM (Reply to #35)

ShaynasMommy

I am like you, Bloke-

I have a feeling that one day, when Mr. Not-so-Wonderful finally exhausts all of his supply out, and is too old or lazy to cultivate new supply, then he will come slithering to my door....only now I will know how to handle it, having knowledge I didnt have before. If N had the audacity to hunt me down again, he would be met with a "Fuck off you sick delusional freak!!" Right after my husband whupped that ass.

#12 Aug 28 - 12PM (Reply to #36)

cluelessuntilnow

Bloke and Shaynasmommy-Have no doubt

Mine came back after 15 years. Not kidding and has spent the last year and half trying to weasel his way back into my life. I am happily married and he could not care less. I was not prepared because I didn't know anything about N. Have no doubt, there is a huge chance they will be back. Forgot to mention... he is married too and could care even less.

#13 Aug 25 - 8PM

OriginalMe

But what about remorse?

It seems that a lot of people have experience with long term N relationships, N's in therapy or having an N that was open to discussing feelings, so my question is - Do they feel remorse for the continual hurt that trails them throughout their lives?

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

#14 Aug 25 - 9PM (Reply to #30)

aceonelady

remorse....

No,mine only regreted something when he got cought,and would say,well i am not perfect like you "Jesus" and i know i am fucked up....or it was an incident...or i am gonna live or die don't matter what and if people don't like me,so what....No he did'thave remorse,not even the pain he caused his kids trough his actions,and believe me i saw and heard what trails of heartbraks he left his kids 14,16 and 18 behind...and me i did love this man unconditionally and he left me behind too like road kill....But what i really didn't get is also why they live such terrible,lonely messed up lives if they had it all?Is like having a winning lottery ticket and trhowing it away shredded in pieces...Is because they are truly disordered ,mad lunatics....and then go buy another one hopping to win....What are the chances they will win again?So Brad,we are the winning lottery ticket they threw away.....

Aceonelady

#15 Aug 24 - 11PM

almostlydia

I think they already

I think they already profiled you to a science and will use whatever they need to use that works in getting what they need. The End. almostlydia

almostlydia

#16 Aug 24 - 7PM

faithinthefuture

We were all hooked

But hopefully not anymore! Mine never cried and even when he tried and before I knew he was a N I knew it was fake! I don't think they reflect at all. but I do believe they feel envy. I hope it eats their heartless soul away and causes them misery every day! Mine never once told me he was sorry for cheating on me! It was always I realized after being w/her I didn't want her I wanted you! And I fell for it! How f'n stupid was I! I don't care if this hurts me for the rest of my life, which it probably will, but I will NEVER give into him again! This last time when he cheated crushed me and made me sick to my stomach! I now know without a doubt he will NEVER change and I want nothing to do with him!

#17 Aug 24 - 5PM

janine

Narcissists and feelings

My ex of 11 years was fairly open with me. Maybe because he knew I'd never be his partner. His psychiatrist told me, this was unusual for a N. So I figured out quite a bit, not that this would make me an expert on NPD. Guilt - some have a vague awareness of not being okay and ruining relationships. It's easy to suppress this by going after more supply. Lies - why change what works so well? Depression - is more like dysphorbia (Wikipedia)and most of the N acting are measures to prevent it. What you regard as self-loathing I would call self-pity. Where self-absorption is concerned, they feel plenty. Don't for a moment assume though that she'll waste energy on considering what she has done to you.

#18 Aug 25 - 6PM (Reply to #26)

Susan32

Similar situation

Early on, the ex-Psych professor was open about his problems. He said his lack of emotions (at first I thought he was autistic, and some of his behaviors--such as insistence on formal titles-coincide with autism/Asperger's) got him into a mental institution as a child... and that emotions frightened him. In the beginning, he said, "Keep your distance","don't take what I say personally",and he'd urge me to be emotionless around him... and this coincides with advice given on sites about dealing with Ns. He said that he had hurts lot of people, that people thought he was mean, and that he had let down lots of people... and that he'd let me down. Immense amounts of self-pity. If he hadn't been so intentionally malicious, I would feel pity for him now.

#19 Aug 24 - 5PM

jen79

They don't feel guilt but shame

Those pathological narcissists and psychopaths and sociopaths, they don't feel guilt, which is feeling remorse about having hurt someone or to have screwed things up. But they do feel shame, which is something very different. When they suffer and have depressions then about being caught or feeling exposed. To not have matched up with they internal false ego. That's why they never really genuinally apologize, they act out of fear of shame.

#20 Aug 24 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

imabloke

Again Jen you're right

In all the shit she was dishing out at the end, in particular.. she never once said "i know i'm hurting you and i'm sorry' Not once!

#21 Aug 26 - 3AM (Reply to #24)

broken23

crazy huh. never got a sorry

crazy huh. never got a sorry either. so ofcourse after 12 years of this relationship...i say "you have really hurt me, i guess youll never know" and his response "yes". i say "what do mean yes". his response..."you're right ill never know how it feels" sometimes i dream of a fake apology...just any kind of freaking acknowledgement to say, i caused you pain...but nope!

#22 Aug 24 - 7PM (Reply to #21)

anonymous

Bloke

I think after all that happened, that's the one thing that still hurts the most, doesn't it? Not to receive a sincere apology. It really, really hurts.

#23 Aug 25 - 3AM (Reply to #22)

imabloke

Yes it does hurt, badly...

She would say things like 'I know it's not want you want to hear' or 'I didn't want to do this to you' whatever that's supposed to mean. Probably shag someone behind my back. 'You're just not the love of my life' .. she'll never find it. Also 'There are bits of me you just don't hit' so after 2.5 years she just realizes this part of her.. yeah right. Just a few of apology avoidence tactics.. what you'd expect from a lawyer.

#24 Aug 25 - 7AM (Reply to #23)

Susan32

Apology avoidance

The ex-Psych professor always struck me as a little boy, always running away from what scared him (some of the early psychiatrists claimed psychopathology was a LACK of neuroses, but the ex-P struck me as the most neurotic person I've known) After the D&D, I told him, I'm hurt, I'm devastated, and I REFUSE to move on till you apologize. His excuse was that I had "acted inappropriately." My response was "so, I guess you think you can treat students however you want and hurt their feelings?" But then I went in for the kill and told him that he had hurt my feelings ON PURPOSE and of course he didn't apologize, because hurting my feelings made him happy. He also said that he didn't respect his students as humans... and I said in a superior, therapist tone of voice, "That's your problem." The ex-Psych professor was profoundly sadistic on an emotional level. It hurts profoundly when someone REALLY injures you an emotionally--then REFUSES to apologize. The last time I ever saw the ex-P in person, I was STILL begging him for an apology, and he was like "move on" and "you acted inappropriately." So, after all the hurt he dealt me (flaunting his girlfriend after my pastor friend died, public humiliation, spreading lies about me), his last words to me were "You were inappropriate."

#25 Aug 24 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

Amy

Even if she said it....

I wouldn't believe it! Mine said he was sorry every time he came back to me. He never meant it... When you are sorry you don't hurt someone over and over again!

#26 Aug 24 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

betty2020

When you truly love someone

When you truly love someone you dont intentionally hurt them at all...This is an emotion they are incapable of. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#27 Aug 25 - 6PM (Reply to #16)

Playedwithfire

Betty and Amy

well put. I got "i'm sorry" all the time but never "I will change or stop." I think he was incapable of seeing the reacions to his actions even when they effected our relationship. It was I who was stand offish and the brink wall went up after a disagreement, but how dare I "not want to talk about it"! Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#28 Aug 25 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

almostlydia

Could not connect the dots

Could not connect the dots between actions and consequences. I got very few apologies. It was my fault afterall that he needed these OP's because damn I had kids and he had to go home to a empty house every night. Oh, yea, and he only made one mistake, the 6 yr one. That was the only one he couldn't make out to be a crazy. Why do we keep thinking they actually feel anything? They only feel fear and rage. That's all. Fear of being exposed and rage at everyone that would cross their paths. almostlydia

almostlydia

#29 Aug 26 - 7PM (Reply to #18)

Playedwithfire

almostlydia

I think we think they should feel feeling because WE do and WE are the ones who go thru the hurt and grieving process, but wonder why HE can't. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#30 Aug 26 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

Susan32

Happiness as the best revenge

Barbara and Lisa have said numerous times that the HAPPINESS and SUCCESS of former supply is what depresses Ns/Ps the MOST. We go through the hurt and grieving process when they D&D us... believe me, we hurt and grieve. So, when a former source of Narc supply gets back up on her feet, in fighting shape, and not only survives but THRIVES, does that put the N/P through the grief/hurt process? Not only does their former worshipper find a life of her own, but she is quite prepared to rub her victory in his face... It's that line "her happiness he cannot bear" from that one article on Narcissism ("You are Merely His Prey" it's titled) seems to say that any happiness/success on a former victim's part is the best torture one can inflict on an N/P.

#31 Aug 27 - 11AM (Reply to #20)

helldweller

Success as revenge

Mine at the end absolutely refused to congratulate me on anything, tell me I looked nice, or even say he loved me. He absolutely refused. I would even ask, "Honey, do I look ok?" or "I got an interview with Comcast!" and he would just look at me blankly and say nothing. I think he took every good thing about me as a personal attack on his own self esteem

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