What is the difference between trauma bond and them continuously trying to get us back?

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#1 Jan 22 - 7AM

Happy1

What is the difference between trauma bond and them continuously trying to get us back?

I ask this because I now know I have trauma bond and I'm reading about it now. Trying to see what I can do to overcome this. Trauma Bond is what has kept me going back to the narc after he cheats and dumps me when I catch him. This was a huge pattern for over 2 years. I would catch him on a dating site or talking to ex girlfriends, etc. I would call him out on it and he would scream at me and he would break up with me. Now, at first when this would happen I would beg and beg for his return and he would eventually take me back. The last few times I did not beg at all and he came to me. This last time he sent me a stupid video on Christmas day when I was home alone and he knew that. He sent a video of the kids and us on the boat and having fun moments over the summer. He put all these pics together.. that didn't work. I got more angry. New Year's Day he sent me a book on "how to make a marriage work". That didn't work. He broke his arm this week and I didn't run back to him so that didn't work. It just seems they have the same bond problem or something. I'm confused. Do you guys know what I mean and what the difference is?

#2 Jan 23 - 7AM

helldweller

trauma bond

I think it's that for them, it's a "drama bond" and not "trauma bond." We are attached because we went through emotional stuff with them that actually meant something to us. They are just addicted to the rush of the drama; it makes them feel human and important.

#3 Jan 22 - 11PM

Scotchy71

Hmmm

I don't know that I suffer trauma bond with my narc, after I discovered all the lies, cheating and deceit, he begged for another chance twice but for me, the trust was gone and I know there's no hope of getting back to where we were, even if he wasn't a narc. There was too much hurt there for me and I could never forgive that piece of slime after all the support I gave him, total love and understanding - he threw it all in my face and I knew he couldn't love me because if he did, cheating and lying to me with ow would never have crossed his mind to do. It also make me realise he doesn't love the ow either, they're all part of his sick, twisted game. He told me he just made a mistake but I know his mistake and only mistake was being careless enough for me finding out. He even told me at least he could admit his mistake...um no actually, he was found out and still lied even though I knew. Going back only gives them the opportunity to cover up their lies better but their treatment towards us would never change..xx

#4 Jan 22 - 8PM

fierflie

Trauma Bond is what has kept

Trauma Bond is what has kept me going back to the narc after he cheats and dumps me when I catch him. me too... i think it would help you to read my story. i think its under kiwi11. seriously, its a powerful thing.

#5 Jan 22 - 1PM

Briseis

The stuff going through HIS

The stuff going through HIS head, versus YOUR head, are very different. What sets Narcs apart from normal persons is the internal motivations. What makes you want to go back to him is a whole different set of thoughts than what makes him keep trying to get you back. SOI nails it. He is trying to regain control over you when he tries to get you back. HUGE difference from trauma bonding. Do they have the same bond problem? Not even close. Completely different motivations.

#6 Jan 22 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

gettinbetter

Another example to show the

Another example to show the difference in motivations is thru silent treatment and nc. Their motivation is to harm you. to psychologically murder you. Our motivation of nc comes out of self preservation to protect ourselves from a brutal attacker. Their motivation is offensive and agressive with intent to destroy. Ours comes from a defensive position and a need to protect and preserve. Completely different motives but in effect the same result of no communication

#7 Jan 22 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

Briseis

Exactly SOI. That's a

Exactly SOI. That's a perfect example with the silent treatment. Often I've thought about how similar some of our behaviors are to the Narc, and early on it horrified me (am I a Narc too???). But we're coming from different planets! It's all in the motivation.

#8 Jan 22 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

gettinbetter

Yes Breisis I have often

Yes Breisis I have often thought Im a Narc!. I see some of his behaviors in myself. I have some huge control issues. So does he. Actually he always mentioned that he was comfortable with me. There was a weird comfort and familiarity. I think it stems from the fact that we both exhibit the need to control which stems from insecurity. I think it feels familiar to him i.e comfortable however the motivations are exactly opposite. Mine are to preserve and protect his are to go on the offensive and conquer "Kill her before she kills you" I dont know how to explain it but the hurt he inflicts on me is the same level of hurt he would have felt had I abandon him which I believe he felt was inevitable. Almost like sick of it Im only doing what you would have done to me. Making you feel how you know you were gonna make me feel when you eventually left and yes you would have eventually left. Infact he said that very thing. Omg I forgot he said "Im glad we didnt marry you would have left me." I said no I wouldnt have he said "YES you would have. We wouldnt have made im telling you we wouldnt have" Everything is inverted. I am the good to his evil. I do things out of defense. He goes on the offense. I think our behaviors are them same only they are inverted. I think it has something to do with the mirroring. You know when you look in the mirror your image is inverted

#9 Jan 22 - 7AM

gettinbetter

He is trying to re gain

He is trying to re gain control. Its not that he wants you back, its that he wanted to be the one doing the dumping. You see he cant stand that he was not the one to end it. He wants you back just so he can be the one doing the abandoning that way he controlled the situation. Fear of abandonment is the core of Narcissism. You abandoned him he cant stand the thought of that. They feel a compulsion to regain control. Plus you are familiar. They like to line up new supply but its alot of work. You are not so much work. You are comfortable and familiar. Actually I think I suffer from that as a codependent. I try to control the situation with him. Thats why i continued to contact him. I felt out of control. Its a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I too have a fear of abandonment and the minute I felt him about to do it, I began to cling. I feel out of control.

#10 Jan 22 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

onwithmylife

For Sick of it

I was catch by what you wrote because the EXNarc had fears of abandonment, I remember his writing that down some where and I too have issuse of abandonment as well, stemming from my father dying when I was 14 years old and never grieving over his death. n that way it is like a weird dance of back and forthing.Whenever he would end the relationship I was frozen with panic and obsession and trying desperately to get him back in any way I could, it was all so sick and UNatural..a normal relationship is never like that, because I had one so at least I have something to go by..................Are you doing any therapy to get to the core of YOUR issues?

#11 Jan 22 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

gettinbetter

Becuase of my situation

Becuase of my situation being married and all Im not seeing a therapist Im doing it on my own. I am slowly getting to the core of the issue. I never had abnormal relationships except the one with him. It was all very traumatic and his return has brought all to the surface. It seems to me the abandonment issues started with him abandoning me years ago. They seem to specific to him as I have not had dysfunctional relationships with anyone else. I do however have codependency issues. I always feel the need to be in control. When he does the silent treatment it sends me out of control. He is well aware of that. Im trying to read as much as I can and get as much info as I can from others by reading all of the posts. Goldie made a very interesting post under happy's post about making progress it regards trauma bonds. There were some very interesting points in that post for me to investigate. You should have a look. I have to get to the bottom of this. This is not normal for me to be so consumed by this. If I dont get to the bottom of it it will leave the door open for him to surface years from now and honestly I think it is his intention to lay low from me for a good while. He made some interesting statements that always seemed strange and purposeful at the time but I didnt know what it meant. He said many many time I will ALWAYS love you and he was purposeful in using always. I thought it strange at the time. Looking back it was almost as if he was saying Im gonna leave you for awhile. This is too dangerous for me. Ill come back when you are less complicated meaning my daughter being older. It was just so weird how purposeful the always was. He also said many times I wont leave you again Ill always be a part of your life. It was weird and there is a creepy element to it.

#12 Jan 22 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

finallyletgo

yes you are right on..it is

yes you are right on..it is weird and eerie..they say those things so we never let go..and you are also irght that htey leave when its too complicated so think of the most convincing things to say that you cant even defend so that they can come back whnever and so you never let go. they are such jerks..my dad said that the worst thing you can do to a woman is say things like that..because a man knows that the woman will hold on..jerks

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