What did the N do to reel you in,,to get you hooked

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#1 Dec 29 - 7PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

What did the N do to reel you in,,to get you hooked

What did the N or psychopathN do to reel you in, and get you under his control...

Did they 'whew' you with flattery,,open doors,,take your call at odd hours..take you for lunch...caress you at all the wrong times,,cross your boundaries,,give you 'looks' when inappropriate...were the too successful to resist..did they make big promises?

Mine did all of the above..and was a total fraud..so smooth...

What did they do to lure you in and get you stuck?

Jan 20 - 11AM
D.
D.'s picture

He was one of the most

He was one of the most accepting and easy going men I'd ever met. It was so easy to be around him. We gelled so smoothly. He was fun, chivalric yet appreciated my independence as a person. He was always available to me. We spent lots of quality time together cooking together and talking. He just seemed to available and kind. Woaah...once I was in love, the monster came out. He is the opposite of those accepting easy loving qualities. He's always attempting to make me out to be a puppet/him the puppet master, controlling my every thought and action. Making me jump through hoops for even basic needs like groceries, and setting the bar higher and higher. Tells me I'm worthless and no one really cares for me except him. His "best" stunt is his tendency to punish me if I don't agree to what he says or wants, etc. Dominance is the name of his game. To a hammer, everything is a nail. He gets mad if I don't edify him, quite literally as if I am in existence as an extension of his ego and nothing else. He has nearly no recognition of me as my own person with my own life,needs, feelings, wishes. Tells me I don't deserve respect, no one will ever marry me. What a creepy person he is. I just keep to myself. I never let him see me upset now. I've had to learn how to keep a cheerful countenance and be one-up on him. I hate power struggles, but I have had to learn how to play the game just to survive. Ughhhh.
Jan 19 - 11PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

The pity party

That is how i got hooked...The mother of his children,as he call her,was a cheater from day one,he told me.She was 10 years older than he was,had 2 children,one with Down Syndrom,and a boy...he went to live with her,after he met her at a house from his friend,whos father she was living with...RING....RED ALARM....so she moved him with him,because he says she was neglected by her living boy friend....And he felt sorry for her jids,they stole his heart,he said...After he D & D ME,HE TOLD ME HE WENT TO LIVE WITH HER BECAUSE HE WAS LIVING WITH HIS gRANDMOTHER AND BECAUSE HE WANTED LOTS OF SEX THEN,AND THEY F*****d all day...He ended the relationship with her,3 kids later,his then 15 years old daughter went to the police to tell he was abusing her since the age of 12...And he told me he tought his children to call her the crazy lazy...Disgusting.Another girlfriend he had during this 18 year old relationship went nuts on him at the end...he called bipolar,crazy,and tolder to go to an anger management program...Another one showed up at his work,crying with her 5 year old son,after he did promiss to leave the mother of his children to marry her...then he backed off...that girl was studying to be a Minister and worked at the bank he had his account from work...So she left her job and went to Texas,from Oklahoma brokenharted...and her little boy was attached to him alredy...SOB.I am pissing amonnia now...

Aceonelady

Jan 19 - 8PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

ExN

ExN and his wife, at the time were friends of mine. I ducked off of the radar for a bit, and he actually had to look me up, and called me. He reeled me in, when his wife cheated on him, and took the kids. I was in total shock, and just trying to be there for him. As I would, any friend. By then, he knew everything about me. He had all the blueprints laid out. Fast forward, four years or so, and come to find out, this is the 3rd or 4th woman to cheat on him. It's not them, it's HIM. Of course, I didn't know that, and couldn't begin to suspect a pattern, until afterward. In hindsight, he used his sad little story to hook me. Now, he can use another sad little story to bait the next one, and it's all at my expense this time. Playing the victim card must work like a charm for Ns.
Jan 18 - 6PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

the

narc use to say how crazy his 3rd wife was, right, never knowing i would become the crazy woman years later. they really all are cookie cutter men, with some having more icing on them than others..............
Jan 17 - 8PM
juliamarie
juliamarie's picture

Almost hard to remember

He seriously found me at my absolute most vulnerable time of my life. He appeared like a white knight waving his sword. He had money...tons of it. Swept me up on amazing trips...told me I was beautiful, amazing, that I understood him more than anyone else. He promised to marry me...have kids with me. He worked really hard to make me dependent on him. He loved my independence, but he hated it after it interfered with his plans. Yeah....flash forward 6 months, and I started to see the mask come off. Moody, angry, manipulative, crazy guy emerged. And I absorbed it like a sponge. I turned into him for all practical purposes....scheming to beat him at his own game. It was ridiculous because someone with a heart can't compete with someone without one. I lost myself, my sanity, my self respect. He loved every minute of it. I basically bought a ticket on the titanic...and I tried to rearrange the deck chairs to keep it from sinking. What a nightmare. I wish I could go back to the strong, independent girl that didn't put up with shit. Why did I buy his act? It's still a bit of mystery to me and my family, But I did, and I own it. I work every day not to be a person that could so easily be manipulated into this kind of insane relationship.
Jan 18 - 10PM (Reply to #36)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Juliamarie...how they arrive at "the most vulnerable times"

Wow...you hit it right on...they are cunning, sly, that is not a compliment to them....unethical practices never prosper...they can have their "tons of money".....they aquire it to accomplish more schemes.....who knows how they got it....cunning and manipulative ....for sure... they ladel on the lies...all they while they are pulling all sorts of strings...I know the heartache, and the "scheming to beat him at his own game" We were on the same ship going down...you can never win with a fool, never. You have a heart, can't win with one who has none.... You are also right,,,that they love every minute of it...they amuse themselves by seeing us writhig in pain..trying to combat them,,,take them one step further towards redemption.... You ARE STILL THAT STRONG, INDEPENDENT GIRL THAT DOESN'T PUT UP WITH SHIT!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!! That is what these con men go for.....they want to sink the biggest and baddest (their 'competition')........ You are and always will be that strong independent woman who thinks for HERSELF!!!!!!! Yes! Education, on how to never be duped again is HUGE!!!! Thank you soooooo much for your post,,,it speaks volumes to me.....we walk the same, the very same isolated path......
Jan 17 - 8PM (Reply to #35)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic....

that's it Janemarie. Exactly what I was trying to do.
Jan 17 - 4PM
LearninToDanceI...
LearninToDanceInTheRain's picture

WOW! ALL OF THE ABOVE?

I was SO impressed that there were stil gentlemen out there who would open the car door for his woman. Oh and he still does to this day. But why? Because it presents the facade of a gentleman to everyone around him! Duh! The things he did in the beginning were amazing. He'd notice I had a long stressful day and would run a bubble bath for me in his jetted tub. He'd take me out to expensive restaurants. Get this! Within the first week or two of knowing eachother, I'd mentioned that my hair extensions were getting icky, so what did he do....he gave my stylist $400 to pay for new hair extensions. I felt very uncomfortable at first and didn't want to accept it, but my friend/stylist said "wow! He seems like a keeper. Just accept it and be happy!" What the ?? He had his 2 sons come and visit and played the perfect dad. Oh and they did seem to have the perfect relationship, so I was totally impressed. The list goes on and on. But it didn't take to long before the ugliness started to show. ICK!!!! And yes he's made big promises which have all fallen through. Then yes, crossed my boundaries, gave me the look when I said something "innapropriate" in public. Yes I am still going through the angry phase. I still have a lot of figuring out to do myself!
Jan 17 - 6PM (Reply to #33)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

knelz

Yup,,,you were definitely duped by the "perfect gentleman" Narc/Psychopath.... They are SOOOOO smooth...they are there for you in ALL the right ways...wow,,,it is such a perfect fit,,,right? Wow.... When you discover who you saw was only an act, a chirarde,,,DESIGNED to lure you in...you will see that they are very evil, manipulative, and not anything to ever be reckoned with. They live a life of lies.
Jan 17 - 4PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

He latched onto me. At first

He latched onto me. At first I wasn't interested, but bit by bit he convinced me he was just like me. Before I knew where I was he'd wormed enough information out of me to weave a fantasy that was exactly what I'd always wanted. I filled in the remaining gaps myself and voila - my ideal guy, just sitting there waiting for me. It didn't take long for my emotions to run away with themselves and despite a lot of resistance I eventually began to believe I was with the wrong partner and that he would be better. Even when I realised he wasn't committed to a relationship and began to discover that he wasn't that ideal guy at all, my emotions were stuck. Even now there's still a tiny part of me that wants to believe that ideal guy is in there somewhere, and I keep having to remind myself that he was nothing more than a lie.
Jan 17 - 8PM (Reply to #31)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Yep

Exactly, and just like that! The rug is pulled from under you, and you never even saw it coming. Our stories are interchangeable here. Sickening...
Dec 31 - 7PM
tresor2
tresor2's picture

He knew I was vulnerable.

He was my daughter's lawyer...she was molested by a high school coach. I was alone and needed support and he was there for me. He seduced me and date raped me. I didn't know what to do...I was so worried about my daughter so one thing led another and before I knew it, several years went by. I was in pain most of the time because deep down, I knew he was bad news but, a part of me loved him. I took his abuse and neglect even though in my past, I've broken free from abusers. I was seriously under his spell.
Dec 31 - 6PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He

threw a pity party. If you ever find yourself in attendance, leave early!
Jan 18 - 10PM (Reply to #28)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

The "Male Victim Card"

yes...we have heard it..... he was "the perfect worker" the "perfect husband" gave them money for everything they needed,,, If you need to "fix a man" or he comes at you with that approach.... In other words,,,word salad (they use this to con their victims) "can you do better for me"...."honey" "can we really build and share a life togetether" ...i mean "checking accounts"... "I have to deal with my kids,,,I wouldn't want you tangled up in all that"......in other words....I have a live in other woman who I can't have you meet right now...she is giving me so much supply that my kids still think I am a decent guy, and she can tell all this to my ex who thinks I am a sack of shit... We have to HAVE COURAGE TO SPOT THIS DEAD ON!!!! AND GET OUTTA THERE!!! : )
Jan 17 - 4PM (Reply to #27)
LearninToDanceI...
LearninToDanceInTheRain's picture

Yeah!

I am all too familiar with the victim card!!! They are so good at it!
Dec 30 - 11PM
emtg
emtg's picture

ah yes the "crazy" other women

He always told me about them - how his exes are all so crazy. one threw rocks threw his window. by the end of the relationship, I wondered why she didn't throw them directly at his head.
Jan 17 - 5PM (Reply to #25)
Dee30
Dee30's picture

emtg

ur too funnyyyy..lol
Jan 17 - 4PM (Reply to #24)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Ah, the old "crazy" problem.

Ah, the old "crazy" problem. Everyone else is always crazy. I guess Occam's Razor doesn't exist in Narcville.
Jan 17 - 2PM (Reply to #22)
wannaletgo22
wannaletgo22's picture

stories about "crazy" other women

Hahaha. Similar story- mine told me about an ex who threw a glass vase at his head- I was horrified of course. Never thought I'd understand exactly where she was coming from!
Jan 17 - 4PM (Reply to #23)
abusednomore
abusednomore's picture

"crazy ex"

Lol, my exnarc used to go on all time about his exwife being "crazy", at the time i couldnt believe how u could ever find anything to argue about with him, and he said that she hit him over the head with a frying pan once! lol! altho, this has just made me remember writing this, he did say (when we was about a year into our relationship) that his exwife once came home really drunk after a night out and she was sick on the floor (exnarc is a clean freak, weirdly OCD) and he said he was that mad that he held her by the back of her head and rubbed her face in her own sick!!!!! i think alarm bells shud have been ringing then!!!!
Dec 30 - 7PM
saphire1
saphire1's picture

I was completely fooled

My story is similar to other posts, I was divorced for 3 years,had 3 kids and stayed single that whole time. Decided to start dating, met him on a dating site and he immediately acted like he loved me when we first met. Wanted to constantly take my picture, buy me expensive things, buy my kids things, even my dog.We had along distance relationship at first and always came to visit me, contantly texted me, made me feel special. He was attractive, accomplished, educated and I fell for him. Married 3 months after i met him. On our wedding night his true side came out, started accusing me of cheating, calling me a whore, calling my kids names. I managed to stay in this horrible marriage for 3 years. He constantly asked me to have sex with other men or women, always wanted anal sex and was cheating on me from day one. I found out by looking at his phone and email. I hate him
Dec 30 - 7PM
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

I had been single for over a

I had been single for over a year. My previous longtime BF was a doll. He treated me extremely well and we had a LOT in common. BUT...big BUT...he got onto the internet and into swinging sites. Some of our close friends were swinging and were lauding the wonders of polyamory. He couldn't let it go. I wasn't completely closed minded and said I would," Look into it" I did and found a filthy underbelly of liars, cheaters and sex addicts, unprotected sex. So I refused...flat out. I discovered that he was treading deeper and deeper into the "lifestyle" without me and had to let him go. I LOVED him. But I will not die from a sexually contracted disease for him. So I broke up with him and told myself no dating...no nothing for at least a year. And what a year it was...I was set...in my health...my finances...a secure home life. I attended to my own and my little family's wellness after leaving my beloved bf. I have a child with profound disabilities. She has spinabifida and CP, and developmentally is 2. She was 15 at the time. Had undergone 17 surgeries and many other hospital stays and emergencies. Long story short she is a 20 year old baby needing diapers and feeding. She's more than that..she's funny..and kind and a wise old soul. She's quite pretty too if I do say so myself. Enter the NARC. We met online. He said he had 2 children with disabilities. One is deaf from a terrifying bout of meningitis (I have a deaf aunt and a deaf cousin) The other son has Aspergers. We talked about advocating, fighting for support from school districts, hospital visits, doctors, ect. He SEEMED to understand all of it from experience. Once when he was visiting from Vancouver my daughter needed to visit emergency due to seizures. He came along...did the lifting...and sat very patiently in the waiting room. At one point he just came over and swooped me up in his arms and hugged me. He seemed so excepting and strong through it all. On our second date he took me to his home town, an hours drive from here, to visit his autistic son. His son was very very shy and weary of us (which he chalked up to the autism) I adored the little guy. I found out much later that it was the FIRST time he'd seen his son in almost 3 years!!!!! And here I thought he was a great dad. He also owed 8 years of arrears in child support. Turns out the "deaf son" wasn't his. But an adult step child with the mother of his autistic son. Whom he had started sleeping with while her husband was deployed. Yeh...he hooked me through the kids. I really didn't want a man but he portrayed himself as having the unqiue experience of having disabled children. How could I be so lucky to find a man who "GOT" what it's like to run in the middle of the night to an emergency ward or be heli-vacced to children's hospital. He "GOT" how accessability affects our lives, we just can't go everywhere, like the beach. He "GOT" that she cries a lot and sometimes we have to leave public places. PHHHT! Turns has several other biological kids who he NEVER sees....and NEVER had any contact with. He'd never paid child support and lies on his income tax. I sent one of the mom's his REAL pay stubs and bank receipts after I came into the house to hear him calling her a "syphilitic whore" and screaming at the top of his lungs on MY phone that I pay the bill on that he would "RUIN" her if she "ever tried to get one penny" from him. I screamed at him not to speak to her like that on MY phone! I was stunned at what I was hearing! He's garbage.
Jan 18 - 12PM (Reply to #19)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Evil

The man is pure evil. Exploiting sympathies with disabled children -- faking the perfect father! Makes my N seem downright like a nice guy.
Dec 30 - 11AM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Good Question Amazed

The 2 scariest things about mine were: - He was only 27 years old - We met through MUTUAL friends and was well liked! - Acted like a smitten puppy and wanted to spend time with me - Felt like he really admired me - Paid lots of compliments and attention - Made me feel like I was flawless and complimented me on traits that didn't exist - Made me feel like we were very similiar and told me "I was a female versión of him" - Made big plans for our future in a short space of time. - He was cute dont get.me wrong, but no where near as cute as the image I had of him in my head! Bad kisser, but after pretending to connect, it felt like electricity when he touched me unexpectedly for the first time. Came across as a real gentleman, and therefore a good catch. Now, I find.him gross, but I am shocked at how much I put up with him.
Jan 17 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
LightAtTheEndOf...
LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel's picture

Femmegem dont be surprised at their ages...

I was 26 and he was 29 when we met. He was my housemate and had moved in, in the August... he disclosed to me on the last hoover in November he slept with our other housemate 2nights after he moved in - F******.. He also was dating a girl and had tried to get with one of my girlfriends... before he noticed me in the kitchen,. He was separated from his wife of about a year... *red flag*. Big pity party stories of how his wife was abusive towards him (i worked with survivors of domestic violence at the time)... how she was horrible to him etc etc. Things did not add up.... Anyway, he mirrored me, cooked me a Caribbean meal ( my mothers heritage).. i later found out thats what he did to his ex wife, she was Chinese he cooked her a Chinese meal. Just mirrored and bought me gifts very early on, cryptically said he loved me after two months... Yup i got suckered, at the time i was vulnerable, id just split with my long term partner who was fantastic and most importantly healthy. Yak...
Dec 30 - 11AM (Reply to #14)
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

One more thing

Told me I was nothing like the other crazy girls and was so fascinated to finally.meet someone sane! Haha. I know!!
Dec 30 - 11AM (Reply to #15)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Interesting how the other

Interesting how the other girls are always crazy. Mr. N used to tell me that all the time, that every other girl he was with was crazy but I was so different...I understood him. I'm almost certain that if he does talk about me at all, I'm now a crazy one as well.
Dec 30 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
strong_enough
strong_enough's picture

I hear that. I'm convinced

I hear that. I'm convinced my Narc has told his OW how crazy I am. He told me when we first got together that I "allowed him to be who he is..." Funny how he told the OW the SAME thing. I just think he changes who he is to "fit" with the person he is pursueing. No real identity.
Dec 30 - 10AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I was ripe for the

I was ripe for the picking....hadn't been involved with anyone for years and met Mr. N at a concert. I gave him an innocent compliment...he (and his friends) followed me (and my friends) to a bar. While I was talking to another guy he waited until I finished my conversation, then pulled me over to a table and acted like a smitten puppy asking questions and complimenting practically everything about me, programmed his number in my cell phone and as we were ready to leave..pushed me up against a wall and gave me the best kiss I ever experienced. I'll never forget that. And while they walked away, he ran back and kissed me again. I was in heaven. I should have questioned it all...he was far too good looking and so charming...but I was in lust. What was supposed to be a one night stand..turned into a 3 week..then into an almost 2 year affair (he had a girlfriend who he kept swearing he was ending things with). I honestly do not blame Mr. N....I was the one who should have read the warning signs but chose to ignore them.
Dec 30 - 10AM
under his thumb
under his thumb's picture

pedestal

he definitely put me on a pedestal when we first met, and i kept telling him he did not know me...little did i realize he didn't really want to know me! he gave me full body massages, made my coffee every morning and left it next to the shower, bought me everything i said i liked, would spend hours on the phone with me. would clean the house if i went out for a bit, took incredible care of me if i wasn't feeling well. we were together 4 months before he proposed. and then the drama started, accused me of cheating on him for months, calling dozens of times in a hour if i wasn't home. argued constantly and then layed it on thick to make up for it. the red flags were there...i just was ready to start a family and he seemed like he would be a great father. two children later and no support. the resposibilities kept adding up and so did the emotional abuse. withdrawn, rude, no affection. sex was sex, when he wanted it. i spent so many years being hurt and trying harder and harder. and then i got pissed and just went through each day out of habit...until i went numb. and then he decided to revert back to the first four months 12 years later when i said i was done. too late!!