What Denial Looks Like

I've noticed something in the rooms of AA.

Here's how it goes.

A person comes.
They swear on all that's holy that they're done.
They loudly proclaim that this time is IT.
It's OVER.
They GET IT and they will NEVER EVER drink again!

To top it off, they feel SO MUCH BETTER.
Like....ONE DAY IN.
So much relief! They GET IT!
It's OVER, they're FREE and the pain is gone!

Now, far be it from me to say how and when God works. But more often than not, that person? The person who absolutely gets it and is done and feels like night and day, in pain one day and completely healed the next?

They usually go back out. They're usually drinking before long.

They're still looking for a magical cure.
They still think it happens overnight.

MOST of the time the real magic happens when you come in exhausted, having tried everything you can and know to try, you're confounded and confused (even if you've been in the program before). You're at the end of your rope and your wit's end.

Some of the words sound the same.
"I'm done. I can't anymore. It's over."
But they're said from a quieter place.

And the proclamations of "never ever" again are gone.
Because deep down you aren't really sure "never ever' is something you'll ever be able to say.

And there's no swearing off because honestly, you have given up all of your own plans, schemes and ideas of how to stop.

You're just done. You know you can't live this way anymore, but have no idea how to live any other way anymore either.

And all you CAN do is literally put one foot in front of the other.

When we're really done, it's usually terrifying -- because we really have no idea what's ahead. There may be relief, but you KNOW you aren't free....yet.

You're too lost to know what you can declare and proclaim and what you can't.

Generally speaking, my experience has been, that when it's really over, the exhaustion and bewilderment is so great that all one has the strength to say is something along the lines of, "I can't anymore. Please help. I'll do anything just show me the way"

For me, it was the same with PsychoNarc.

For me, it's good to check in from time to time just to see where denial still lurks and if I'm truly done or just still spinning having found new methods and ways of going round and round the bend again.

Grace (for whatever it's worth)