What am I holding on to?

In another post Done Sourcing posed a challenge of sorts by stating "sometimes you need to identify what you are holding on to."

Today, for whatever reason seems to be one of the lower ones. I find myself talking to N and OW in my head and it's driving me batty. I came here to read posts, especially my own story to remind myself why I must move forward. I thought I would consider Done Sourcing's words so that is the premise for this post.

What am I holding on to?

*Confirmation that I made the right decision – that is when I read, and reread the events of the marriage. The times where I was confused, the onslaught of attacks of my self-esteem. He did not consider me or my feelings then, why would I think he would consider them now? I wanted to believe then that he understood. I convinced myself that I somehow got my point across. Rethinking that now, reprogramming my thoughts to understand he didn’t understand then. I was fooling myself then. I cannot continue to fool myself. I need to see reality, not the fantasy that I wanted to believe.

*False belief that he will come to his senses – as I consider my time spent with him I realize it was never that great. Sure there were great moments, sometimes I thought I could never be happier. There were also the lowest lows. The fun was clouded with a fear. Always the fear. Never quite sure that it would last.

*Hope that I can have a life without him – there is the fear that although it was bad, at least I had a husband. That sounds bad to even write. I want to be married (at least I think I do). I want to share my life with my soul mate. He was never my soul mate. I was settling because he was my husband. I was a good wife. I deserve better.

I am interested to know what others are holding on to.