Were you good at pretending things were a-ok with your ex?

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#1 Sep 3 - 8PM
Deidre40
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Were you good at pretending things were a-ok with your ex?

I had a light bulb moment tonite. I think about you all a lot since coming to this site, and pray for you. This whole journey to healing is hard, but we can do it. Strength in numbers! So, think about this for a moment. When you were dating your ex n's...weren't you pretending to be happy around others a lot? I look back at my relationship with the ex, and EVERYONE was shocked when we broke up. SHOCKED. Well. I should say they weren't shocked that he fucked things up. lol They weren't shocked that I ended it. (they know him well) They were shocked though, because I always defended him to others, and always made him out to be this great guy. So, many didn't see it coming as quickly as it did.

SO. I ASK YOU ALL THIS. If you could have pretended to be happy as can be with your ex's...who's to say the OW aren't doing the same exact thing? So, when you see those FB pics...and sit in wonder...has he changed? Is he treating her better? Think again. That happy face you see on the OW, probably was your face too, in pics....even though you were NOT happy...once upon a narc.

;) Hope this helps!

Sep 8 - 3AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

yes but I did not know it

i was so grateful for the crumbs I did not realize how bad it was most of the time except for during the silent treatments when I would totally lose it - they only happened about every three years or so...but there was a bad one for a month in summer 2009 when he punished me for violating his privacy (I dared to drop by unannounced after 10 years of seeing each other) and then he left summer 2010 - then hooverd summer 2011 and now silent
Sep 7 - 8AM
Susan32
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Fake Happiness

I had a difficult time being happy with the ex-Psych prof. I never felt safe or comfortable with him... I always felt on edge. I could sense his constant anger;it's like his negative emotions seeped into me. When I broke NC in '09, he had lectured about happiness... well, that would be like me lecturing about Esperanto in Esperanto. My friends wondered why I was NOT angry at his girlfriend, why I didn't envy her. As devastating as the final D&D was, I felt no ill will towards her. She was simply my cue to leave. If I had been happy with the ex-P,THEN I would've gladly fought her for him. The lack of philosophical conversations, the total lack of philosophical depth, the lack of originality, I was horribly BORED when the ex-P was my essay advisor for 3 years. For someone who'd ruthlessly critique me on a personal level, he was wimpy when it came to my essays. He didn't challenge my IDEAS on a deep level. My classmates thought I was putting a happy face on a bad situation. A male friend of mine couldn't stand how the ex-P would order me around. I think I was numb to my own unhappiness at the time--so the girlfriend was a moment of awakening. She disillusioned me, in a good way. I would've been stuck in a fake world of idealization if it weren't for her.
Sep 4 - 6AM
lillymarch
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Yes, I faked happiness and lived a lie for years.

I defended him. I talked him up to his children all the time! He would tell me I was destroying his relationship with his children and I could never see it. I was always telling them how great he was even though he was never around and when he was around he was a tyrant. I faked it so well. I now know I was living a lie and now I don't have to lie anymore. It's a great relief off my shoulders. I wanted a nice happy family for years! (Since I was a child- who doesn't?!) I was in 'dreamland'. I have a friend who is living a lie right now. Her husband is so messed up, I mean really screwed up and she still brags around town about how great he is. She is such a denial lier. I want to so bad stop hanging out with her or stop talking/texting with her but at the same time I know the place that she is at. It's a sad, and disgusting place. I've been raising children alone for so long it's not much different now that I've kicked him out. It's actually easier. Many friends have wondered how I've done it for so long and why I waited so long to dump him. How could I be ok with living a lie? How could I lie to my children for so long about him and his behavior? I have many years of healing with them. They need to learn that he is not the example of husband and father that they should focus on. It's so scary to think that they may pick someone like him.
Sep 4 - 3AM
Sea
Sea's picture

I think to truely feel happy

I think to truely feel happy i have to feel really relax infront of the person. I was always tense while with him. I am afraid i make him angry esp during our holidays together. 1 wrong word 1 wronf move i get the ST throughout the dinner n its embarassing that even the waiter can sense the tension! I am always scared n so i can say zero happiness while with him. Yet i was very good at pretending i was happy mainly not to make him angry
Sep 4 - 12AM
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

I was the queen of denial!

I was the queen of denial! uhg I knew something was very off with him (for 20 years). When reality crashed in, I felt like a idiot. I was so niave to think he and I were anything alike. I listen to his words and paid no attention to his actions. Waking up was so painful, but I am glad it happen. CAn's stand these creeps!
Sep 3 - 10PM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Diedre..

Great post! First, I think looking on FB is not healthy and detrimental in the healing process, just sayin :) Secondly, I think if it's a brand new relationship and probably within the first year, SHE is happy because the D&D hasn't started yet. SOmetimes it takes the OW awhile, but I'll tell you what, it WILL happen. Guaranteed one hundred percent. A couple of weeks ago, I was crying about his new marriage after having met his rich woman on a dating site. I had a MAJOR revelation this week that created a paradigm shift for me in consciousness about it. There really are truly light bulb moments and one of them, or an accumulation will hit that he will ALWAYS be what he is. I dodged a MAJOR bullet by dumping his cheating ass!!! I think a lot of the reasons we think he's going to go on and has changed, is 1. he wants us to believe that and that somehow we are at fault for why the relationship didn't work and he, of course, let us know that, and 2. we project our normal human behavior onto an extremely abnormal person. It's the kiss of death in trying to recover and it increases cog/dis and intrusive thoughts. In one of Sandra Brown's article about the OW, it states that "Once you 'get it' about pathology, you'll understand that his ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone is not possible". SOOOOO TRUE! Once you DO "get it" about pathology and it's inability to change in anything, with anyone, you'll be able to move through the healing process faster. Until then, it's just spinning.
Sep 3 - 9PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

He'd tell me I was pretending to be happy

Those are the words from the ex-Psych prof's mouth. Whenever I was with him, he'd say I was faking my happiness. Well, whenever I'd practically skip to him, glowing&grinning, he'd snap, "Take me seriously!" My friends noticed how I'd change around him. I'd be happy with them... I went to Bible studies/Lenten soup suppers. They saw me be cheerful. But with the ex-P, I was grim. Ns/Ps are known to fake happiness, ESPECIALLY with new supply. The ex-P didn't do that (laziness? cunning? combination of both?) He flaunted his girlfriend to hurt my feelings, but he didn't even PRETEND to be happy with her. No smiling, no public displays of affection. He probably sensed that if he had a marathon make-out session with her, I would've gotten EPIC CLOSURE. No wonder I was talking about slipping Spanish fly into the drinks of him&his girlfriend. Apparently they weren't affectionate at the graduation picnic I didn't attend... his girlfriend's tank top was the talk of the town. He didn't put his arm around her shoulder, didn't hold her hand (he physically abandoned her in front of everyone, so she ran down the stairs to catch up with him) They didn't act like lovers in their honeymoon period. They acted like siblings.
Sep 3 - 8PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Good point, Deidre, and

If you had a genuine smile of happiness on your face in the beginning (in pics for example), did you, by the end, have a fake smile, half-smile, or scowl when they weren't looking? I know I had a hard time smiling when once it was so natural.
Sep 3 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

caligirl

that's right caligirl. Now, the ex and me had a LDR, and we didn't have many together pics. But, over time, I took many and sent them, and as time wore on...I was faking my happiness in those pics. Resenting sending pics to someone who was treating me from afar, like crap. I no longer miss him, nor care about the guy...but, I think for those who are struggling to get over their 'loss,' and are upset he/she has taken up with someone new...I thought it would be helpful to point out that we were all 'OW's' ...once upon a narc.
Sep 3 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Yep, so true!

My exN and I were LD for awhile too, and yeh same here, as I'd take pics to send him, I started having to force the smile, bc he was abusive from miles away too (before he ever even met me). What a jerk! I can't believe I allowed that!