Well guys and gals - just thought I would share where I'm at nowadays

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#1 Nov 4 - 2PM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Well guys and gals - just thought I would share where I'm at nowadays

I've been out of the relationshit since April and virtually NC for the majority of that time - just a couple of blips (in order to recover my expensive possessions). No joy there but, that's no surprise to any of us. Still not returned.

I have been on this life saving forum for close on 11 weeks now (nearly typed years then - LOL). Have read hundreds of posts together with their helpful links, read a lot and researched via the internet even more. Felt I was absolutely obsessed at times and also thought on occasion that it might be prolonging my obsession with the ex but ultimately no, it didn't. I just needed that time to re-evaluate my situation and my feelings. So absolutely, time well spent ignoring everything and everybody in my life (much to the detriment of my household chores on lots of occasions) to concentrate on my personal needs.

But do you know what? I am now done with trying to understand what makes the ex P/N tick, the whys, wherefores, the issues and whose fault it was. He took far to much of my life and I don't want him wasting anymore of it. So enough is, enough.

I have put in place healthier personal boundaries whereby I don't feel responsible for anybody else but myself moving forward. I have always known where my responsibilities lie in connection with my son so nothing changes there. Of course I have sympathy and empathy but nowadays I feel that I am much wiser about extending/verbalising those emotions and would rather say "no" initially than running to be front of the queue to say "yes" before considering the ramifications on my well being.

When I start dating again I will stay close to Thomas Sheridan's teachings to remind myself about P/Ns and hopefully that will suffice. But, I do have to get back out there to practise what I have learnt.

I know I have to get off my backside to experience a different life free of the P/Ns of this world and test my newfound knowledge and awareness.

Anybody else feeling like I do? Would appreciate your comments and feedback please.

Dee x

Nov 7 - 8PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Same here. I stopped

Same here. I stopped concentrating on the narc and what makes him tick, in order to better understand, some time ago and turned it around on me. My energy is now focused on what really matters, me and the people that really matter. We do need to learn as much as we can, to better understand them and trust that it really isn't us. Than we re able to make the transition, I believe that is important. But isn't it a beautiful thing, when you turn that corner and see you again, not them? Glad to hear you are there! On the "path forward"!!!!!!
Nov 6 - 2PM
Journey
Journey's picture

So glad to hear you are at

So glad to hear you are at this point! I no longer need to figure out the whys either, it is simple - because he is disordered. I've stopped stop wasting my thoughts and energy on figuring HIM out and I don't question it the way I used to at all anymore. With the knowledge I've gained about NPD, no more 'understanding' of it is necessary for me to get on with my life and I'm focused now on putting back together all the pieces which were left shattered by my experience. I know what you mean about 'testing' your new found knowledge and awareness and though I don't feel a need to 'test' mine at this point and still have very little interest in dating, I can understand why you would. All the power to you!

Journey on...

Nov 7 - 12AM (Reply to #17)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

All power to you too Journey

And it has been one hell of a journey too. One which I wished I had never had to take but that's life and with what we have learnt feel that the future will be happier, healthier and brighter away from the disordered one. Dee x
Nov 5 - 1PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Go Dee I love it!!!

I am soooo glad to hear of your 'ephiphany',,,yes,, they are not worth all that time consumed with trying to figure them out,,,when we realize they suck the life out of us,,and finally pull ourselves up and move on.. great realization you arrive at,,I love it. I am the same way. Getting better and better with time, I also stay close to Thomas Sheridan's teachings,,,he is amazing, and thank God he has gotten the word out and so intelligent and emotional at the same time. Key is to be reminded to never be fooled again....and to know how to identify those types, see them coming and to get away from them asap, no matter how they plea or manipulate.. Also I take healing very seriously,,, and like you I have establish those new boundaries. I have learned that there are some horrible people, and they are true evil. There is not guilt in leaving and getting the f away from them. I thought I was "building a life" with someone, that was not the case. I learned about them, I was trying to love, however not that evil!!! I have become very self protective, I am not so carefree anymore. Used to be much of a free spirit, giving, saw the good in everyone.
Nov 7 - 1AM (Reply to #15)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Amazed

Yep, I think having been with a P/N we all have to protect ourselves more in the future to avoid slipping into that trap again. And if that means we have changed then I feel it is a change for the better. Boundaries are there for a reason and purpose - to protect ourselves. Never really understood it before (childhood issues) but am now more aware of why we should all have personal boundaries and also, that the P/Ns of this world like nothing better than to see them as a challenge in ripping them down. My ex-P was once told that he was very tenacious and he viewed that as a strength (to normal people it would have been) - I now see it for what it was with him. His sense of entitlement to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and, to whoever he wanted, he never gave up until he got what he ultimately wanted. The drama, chaos and destruction. So, farewell Mr. Nobody once and for all because I so get it this time. Dee x
Nov 5 - 9AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Dee i am so happy for u

You have come a long way. Your post reflects peace, healing, awareness and dignity. I am so happy for you :) Continue healing and finding joy in life. Hugs Sumiko
Nov 5 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Thank you Sumiko

I am so thankful for this forum and for everybody on it. Without it I would still have been spinning like I was when he D&D me years ago - I knew nothing about P/Ns then and never really got over it properly so I went back 3.5 years ago because I felt we were "unfinished business". When I finally walked away back in April I was just so ready to get out of the whole sorry mess, I was stronger and more focused because I knew I had given it everything I could. Then I educated myself and that was invaluable in my full recovery this time round but, like I say, I am done with trying to rationalise and quantify it all. It's the past and I am now looking to the future. They dont't deserve our thoughts, feelings or time so I am not going to waste any more of mine. I have noticed that you too have moved on dramatically over the past 3 months - it does get easier with NC doesn't it? High 5 girl friend. LOL. Dee x
Nov 5 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
Sea
Sea's picture

Hi5 Dee

Yes NC gives alot more clarity. The courage and strength grow with longer NC. Until he is no longer relevant anymore.
Nov 5 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

uklady

just read your post, i am so glad you are at that place... I too am there and its such a good feeling... today I am having such a chilled day, that Ican look back and think of some of the things that ocurred when i was with him and think .....SO WHAT, ITS ALL DONE AND DUSTED NOW SO WHAT DOES IT MATTER....have a good day ukladyxxx
Nov 5 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Thanks Used

Have been through all the emotions on the path forward, all the highs and lows and am now reaching the stage of 99% indifference - I am not super human. LOL My life can now go on merrily P/N free because of what I have learnt and I am so looking forward to it. Bring it on. Chilling out myself today too but the gloomy weather is a bummer. Dee x
Nov 4 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

UK Lady, what a great

realization you have come to: "But do you know what? I am now done with trying to understand what makes the ex P/N tick, the whys, wherefores, the issues and whose fault it was. He took far to much of my life and I don't want him wasting anymore of it. So enough is, enough." It's liberating, isn't it, to realize that whatever the f**k they're up to and about and with is immaterial to your life now. I agree and remind myself of this often. I truly am not interested and can say with 100 percent certainty that I do not care. It is worthless to me. I also do not want to give the disordered freak I was involved with one more second of my time, one quarter of an ounce of supply or anything even remotely connected with who I am now. If there were a way I could erase him ever knowing me, I'd get out the eraser and scrub away. For me, I noticed that the more I swept the disordered one and the debris he left behind out of my life, the more room it made for good, interesting, fun things to enter. I am so happy for you and excited about your new life. Thank you for sharing this. It is so uplifting to read of member's successes. High five, sister in recovery! Sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. IT'S BORING AND NOT WORTH THE EFFORT OR THE ENERGY.

spinning

Nov 4 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Thank you Spinning for your kind comments

The more High 5s on this forum we can achieve through working our way along the path to recovery, the Better. It's liberating and freeing all at the same time. If I had known way back when what I know now, I would not have given him 22 minutes of my life let alone 22 years of spinning, (no pun intended), trust, uncertainty and my attention. He isn't worth it and I so know nowadays. I am looking to let some goodness into my life after the desert that was my life with the ex-P because I am more aware of what I deserve to achieve that goal. Much love, Dee
Nov 5 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You are AWESOME!

I'm there with ya too...I can think about him, the OW, his life...and not give a flying fuck about any of it. I sincerely don't care. How did I know I was really in a better place? When I went out on a date recently with a guy and within a week, I was asking him "what's up with you and all the drama?"...I never heard from him again - LMFAO! NARC alert!!!! Saw it a mile away, confronted him and he ran like a bitch! 8 years ago? I'd be fighting to stay in a relationship with the douche.
Nov 5 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Syren

Yes, exactly, that's something I have learnt to do. No acceptance of red flags. If in doubt, question the action if it's not matching the words. My mum always said, "actions speak louder than words". I should have listened more carefully. My needs and my life are just as important as their's and if they disrepect me in any manner then - out the door. As for the mummy's boys - they are staying in the nursery. All power to us. Dee x
Nov 5 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Key Phrase!

"My needs and my life are just as important as their's and if they disrespect me in any manner then - out the door." Word! My grandma's was..."handsome is as handsome does" Makes no sense when you say it, but then it hits ya! And you GET IT! :D
Nov 6 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
into the light
into the light's picture

To UK Lady from another UK member

So pleased for you - you sound really strong and settled in your mind now. I'm 3 months NC and he discarded me in May (I needed him to get his stuff from my house, which he eventually did at the start of August). I'm not quite where you are - I'm okay mostly during the week, but then the obsession and tears begin again at the weekend. Each time though, it's weaker, and doesn't last at long. And I'm being good to myself. I don't say yes to every request and I try not to feel guilty if I don't work hard every hour. But I do appreciate normality, just little nice everyday things people say and do. Guess you live in the south east if your weather was grim yesterday! I'm in the north west. What has helped is that I'm meeting up quite often with a male friend I've known for 18 years who is totally not PD, and I'm becoming really fond of him. But I know I must be careful not to see him as some sort of replacement while I'm still confused and so easily triggered. But again, just the little things he says and does are SO different from the ex. I do feel I've got so much love to give and I don't want to wait another year. Any advice?
Nov 7 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Into

It can still occasionally feel like I have been hit by a truck if I am triggered and remember something he had said or done. But the difference is that nowadays I don't dwell on it or more importantly feel the need to analyse it. I just think "that was him". Mr. Nobody. I too have become more aware of my surroundings and appreciate the little things in my life more too. Whilst also recognising more accutely the toxicity that some people exude and I steer clear of them as much as possible. My friends talk about Karma in that, good things will eventually happen to good people. And I know that they so wish that for me. I am hopeful too with my newfound knowledge and awareness. Glad that you have someone in your life to lift your spirits. But like you, I am taking things slowly and gently. That is my only advice - take better care of ourselves. I am about 10 miles north of London. Are you NW England or Scotland? Love both areas equally. My ex had a place in Snowdonia and I had a trip to the Highlands and Skye back in the summer. Absolutely, magical. Dee x
Nov 7 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
into the light
into the light's picture

I'm in NW England

Thanks for the advice. What is really confusing is that I dream about both guys. Weird. And yes, steering clear of toxic individuals is a must. x