weight and physical appearance

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#1 Apr 4 - 6PM
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

weight and physical appearance

Dearest Ladies,

I "should" know better than this. But I guess right now I don't.

I have been obsessing for days about my weight. About how my STBX husband told me repeatedly that he "never wanted a fat wife." I have gone through phases of weight loss, weight gain, yo-yo patterns....depending mostly on how I was feeling emotionally and physically. Able to get out and exercise? Feel well enough emotionally to do it? Etc.

Bottom line: I gained weight and yes, I knew he never wanted an overweight wife. So I let him down on that one. I did.

Weird thing is, when I wasn't overweight, was working, exercising, doing everything "right" he still didn't really want me sexually. Oh, he would SAY all the right things and compliment me up one downside and down the other. But did he act on it? Not often. Occasionally. I am not obese, nor do I mean to degrade anyone who may be. I AM about 30 pounds overweight, of which I am not proud. But I always thought that we had more than such superficial issues that held us together....HA! He now says that was the number one factor in his leaving me.

Now, I checked out one of Barbara's sites about "the enemy" and how to "pick up women".
Yes, disgusting. And yet....please help me here....much of what is said there is just the same: looks matter more than anything and if you don't have the "figure" forget it. They are not interested. I even had a very dear male friend of mine for over 30 years say to me:
For Men, it's all about the "visuals".

And you know, as Much As I Hate That I think: yes, it Is. Because men and women are Different. Would I reject a husband or serious B/F because he gained some weight. NO.
Would he? Obviously. Because I, as a woman, think about the relationship in terms of emotional connection and commitment. In terms of knowing the other's true self and appreciating that regardless of injury, appearance, etc. I remember one time that I told my husband I had never really cared that much about how a man looked physically. He was aghast. "You're kidding!" How could you NOt? I don't think this is just because he is a narcissist. I think it is a very common man's reaction to the importance of physical attraction.

So... guess what I'm looking for is what have your experiences in this realm been? And how do you interpret what it means? Or any other thoughts that come into your heads.
It may help me to bitch and moan about this "unfairness" but when it ultimately boils down, I am thinking it is about the difference between men and women and how they look or feel about this issue. Anyway, thanks for reading and thinking....CM

Apr 9 - 10PM
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i hate n's..

in response to this blog..I still have weight/esteem issues..even after the narcissist..the constant rejection still gets to me....I'm almost glad I gained smoe weight because then im not the same person the narcissist rejected and tormented....but not too thrilled with gaining weight because of the way it makes me feel...N's really make you feel so ugly it's terrible...my N is so bad...he drove to my house and around my neighborhood, stalking without my knowledge, knowing my mother/sister were there...so he could potentially accidentally bump into them...only while they were there-- when im there by myself, no interest in coming to see or visit me even if im suffering as a result of it... the N prefers to try to see my family, friends, or preferred--anyone but me...they just do anything to destroy your self esteem in any awy possible....I know I can never be the same..if im skinny it's traumatic anda reminder of the past, gain weight still traumatic...its just always traumatic because of the stupid N....if there was only a way to dsetroy their pathetic pitiful self esteems and egos...
Apr 9 - 8PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

When women are under stress

When women are under stress they have a hormone re-action that spills cortisol into the system. this causes weight gain. There is something called anti-cort that stops that. Insomnia also causes cortisol to spill and many people married or in relationships with these jerks can't sleep and are hypervigilant. It is a vicious cycle. Your weight is fine, you need to be peaceful, find time to do peaceful things, and try to think peaceful thoughts. Weight gain is stressful but accept it, and find some excercise that works for you. Don't get obsessive about the weight as that is where he wants you to be. Try saying something when he mentions your weight like, "I guess we have both gained". you will see him checking himself out in the mirror and panicking. They are very image conscious. Carolyn
Apr 9 - 11PM (Reply to #19)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Stress, Cortisol and Weight Gain

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=53304 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.
Apr 6 - 3AM
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

weight doesn't matter...

Honsetly, from experience with narcissists...your appearance does not matter at all-- they will only use what you have agaisnt you...if you're skinny they will say you're too skinny and you need to gain weight, if you're overweight, they will say they hate fat women...I am 5 4 100 lbs, very attractive, a model,..my "N" treated me like garbage...he made me feel like the ugliest person alive...he did everything to destroy and shatter my self esteem in any way possible. he rejected me sexually and was interesetd in obese women...over me.. he, in fact, told me to gain weight and that he doesn't like 'skinny chicks' yet talked about how the only erason he was with me was because i was so 'hot', yet refused to even be with me. He may have been extreme, but they don't care what or who you are-- N's generally want to have the 'hottest gf's or wives' and when you deviate from that they will show disinterest. But in lots of cases, you can even be extremely attractive have a gorgeous figure and they will do anything and everything to reject you and destroy your self esteem and sanity. If you're beautiful and thin they will make you feel ugly in any way possible that they can and make you envious of everyone because they will degrade your beauty...they will show interest in your family members friends anyone just to degrade you-- ive had this experience with other narcissists as well. They will make you hate what you are and want to be someone else. They will do anything and everything to shatter your self esteem and sense of self worth. Every N is different I'm sure but being attractive is no means to receiving admiration or respect from the narcissist...if you are overweight they can and will then easily use that against you to put you down etc...anything they can do to destroy your self esteem and make you feel as ugly and disgusting as they feel- that's how the narcissist works. The narcissist had me going insane screaming "im so beautiful..u dont awnt to touch me or get with me..how can you not want to"...if u are attractive that juts means that you have more power and it's more work for them to put you down and make you feel like garbage. if you are obese they will easily talk about your obesity and put you down for that. ive read posts here where women were saying the same things-- claiming they weer at the peak of their having a 'nice body' and the N acted disinterested. Appearances matter to the narcissist but "only" as a trophy..and not even a trophy they can show off to others...a tropy in their own mind..."i have the most beautiful female".. if you don't liev up to their standards...of what they consider perfection, they will punish yuo for it...if you don't dress the way they want, have the right appearance or image...you could be attractive and thin and not display what the N wants--this perfect image of a woman...dressed a certain way and get subjugated. You will get subjugated just for being attractive and thin...so that youre kept in the gutter and your self esteem is dead...you will get subjugated for being overweight because now you are even more far from perfect to them, and can't fit that mold...with the narcissist or many it just doesn't seem to matter waht you look like-- you "will" be subject to extreme degradation and abuse self esteem destruction and mental emotional and psychological abuse, and you will be subjected to mental torture and torment that results in extreme emotions, self esteem issues, pathology, hatred, confusion, mind control and brainwashing....because the N is predatory and only wants to destabilize your reality and destroy you and your self esteem, and make you hate yourself, the same way they hate themselves, projective identification and...just wants to project his inner turmoil onto you-- appearances really don't even matter to the narcissist because in lots of cases no one is going to be perfect enough for the insane mind of the narcissist and will be punished for anything any look and in any way no matter how hard you try to please the N..the abuse is also custom designed to terrorize their target victim..because they know everythign about you-- they've studied your weaknesses, flaws, insecurities and will effectively pinpoint and nag at any thing that can and will destroy you or cause you pain or turmoil or glitches in your self worth, esteem etc..or break you down..they are very adept at this, and know exactly what to say and how to push your buttons, cause you to doubt yourself, create internal confusion turmoil, esteem issues, anything...The narcissist’s abuse is extremely brutal--they chip away at your self esteem slowly Destroying it and rejection is a huge part of it-- they are constantly rejecting and rejecting their victims…the rejection plays a huge process in the degradation of the person’s self esteem and psyche…they make you jump thru hoops for anything and for something You will never attain..esteem in the narcissist’s eyes because you’re just an object and a tool for them to use…they will use that to tell you to do this or that..be this way or that and then this thing will happen or occur…it’s their awy of taking stealing from you.. And giving nothing in return…and making you believe there is a prize at the end of the game, or that you're working towards something you're going to win or gain..or that they will allow you to even obtain that thing.. but that’s their game…there is no prize..you’re struggling for something you will never win or gain and wht the N will never give you but keep making you struggle for..And that’s the narcissist’s game…and the rules are never constant and always changing..so that…you will always lose and the N will always win…and even if you think that you know how to win the next game, he will have it one step above you,That’s to ensure that you never win and are under their thumb and their way of having Total control over you and your reactions…and never allowing you to have any control..so believing you can please the narcissist or be this way to get this from the N is a futileless pointless feat..because there is no one there, no one stable, the rules and game are always changing…and nothing will ever Really please the narcissist…and they wil always be making you work more and more..For something that doesn’t even exist…. also as a signifiacnt other of the narcissist, you are merely a punching bag for all their projections, internal hell and horrors, projective identification and just an extension of their own selves not to be perceived as a real live human being with needs desires and wants of your own... they are constnatly using these techniques on their 'nearest and dearest' esp their spouses/gfs/bfs. If an N is jealous of an object, they will make sure to create a scenario so that you soon will be jealous of that very object, then when you express that emotion they will mock and point out how 'jealous' you are...and project that onto you...you are a constant mirror for the narcissist and the reactions he creates in you-- are what make him feel as if he exists..because you are exhibiting that which he is..it is validation and justification for him just for being...watch your own feelings and behaviors when with a narcissist, because you are going to be exhiting the exact same behaviors and feelings that he has or possesses through these tactics or techniques...
Apr 5 - 7PM
Elena
Elena's picture

Weight & Appearance

Cassiemay, Let me share my experience. I am the perfect example that a narcissist is simply a narcissist, weight does not change things. When I married my N, I was a size 2, I was 110 pounds, small waist, sometimes I would even fit in a size 0, and when I would go to Victoria's Secret to buy lingerie - I would buy extra-small. With all this said, he still was not interested sexually in me! I'm going to share some pretty personal stuff here just to make my point. In my confusion, I used to walk around naked in the living room while he was watching TV to get his attention, and he still would not even look at me. And I was a size 2 with almost no fat. And I stayed this slim for many years, he still was not interested in me. This was so confusing. I also tried to look the best, I colored my hair with highlights until one day it turned blond, I thought maybe a pretty blond would be attractive enough, I put on the best make-up, I tried to look the most attractive possible, and he still was not interested in me. One day, I just gave up, and stopped caring about what he thought about me. So my answer is - yes, men are more visual than women, however, a narcissist is a narcissist - and he's still not interested in intimacy, even when you are a size 2 and blond.
Apr 6 - 9AM (Reply to #15)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The issue is his

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that if there is something they know we are insecure about, they will exploit that because of who they are. Ironically, when I was with him, it was much more of a challenge to take care of myself properly, as I used food as a comfort. He would 'say' that he loved me (despite my flaws), but then would make subltle commmnets like, did you get your work out in today? what did you have for lunch? Omg...I listened to a half hour lecuture one time when I told him I had fast food. One day, he sat on my lap and I was like..."ouuuch"! He said, well that's how it feels for me. I said, I don't weigh what you weigh...he said, wanna make a bet, let's go upstairs and get on the scale. The point is, he was not sensitive to my struggles, and lack of motivation because of his B.S. I used to be very physically fit, and I can guarentee, he still would have found flaws to use against me. The funny thing also is, he would take up so much of my time, it was very difficult to get in the kinds of work-outs I needed. And, I made a point of telling him I needed his help in getting started with a routine, which he never really pursued. I'm sure if I took off out the door to the gym every night, he would have grumbled about that, and snidely interrogated me about who was there, any hot guys?...ugh. I think it's more of a control thing than anything, but I recognize that part of THEIR issue is wanting as close to perfect 'arm candy' as they can get. Good luck with that.
Apr 6 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

centerfold syndrome

I believe these Ns and Ps suffer from Centerfold Syndrome http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/centerfold-syndrome-psychologist-dr.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.
Apr 5 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

Ruby et. al

Thanks so much for all of your posts. They have really helped me. It's so hard at times to figure this all out: what they said, did it make rational sense, how did it resonate? I Think I Get It. I hope we all do. What I can say is that it is so helpful to have this forum in which to discuss all these feelings. Truly, it has been so helpful to me I can't begin to express it. Ok....so I am going to bed tonight trying NOT to think about the bad things, trying to think about the Future for myself. Trying to let go of all the horrible and cruel things he said to me and blah, blah.... BTW...."-) I smell like horse muzzles and horse shit tonight after having been riding and scooping horse shit.....But you know what???? It's the best smell I've ever had...... But I do plan on having a shower....CM
Apr 5 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
Elena
Elena's picture

Ridding Horses...

Cassiemay, You are so welcome! We are here for eachother! :) Ridding horses, Wow! This is great! I bet it is therapeutic! What a great hobby!
Apr 5 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Horse poop....

At least when a horse shits on you - it's honest. ;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.
Apr 4 - 9PM
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

weight and appearance.

Thanks so much for the comments. Please keep them coming! CM
Apr 4 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

I *know* this is a touchy

I *know* this is a touchy subject! I don't know how old you are... I'm in my early 40's and I've gained about that much weight over the last 10 years. I'm not thrilled about it... but I know I am very healthy according to my doctor. My ex was *obsessed* about his own weight gain and his health problems and I know that he used this all against me in his mind. Do I mind? You bet! Do I think his version of reality is fair and mine is not? No way! Today I had to take care of some things and so gave myself the chance to look around and people watch. I'm not the thinnest most beautiful person out there... but no one runs away from me screaming hysterically either. You know? His excuses about the perfection that he needs... are just that... excuses. In the meantime, I have also realized that being with him really ran me down over the last few years and now that I've been away from him for 6 weeks, I am prettier than ever. :-)
Apr 5 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

powerful statement

mrs_jeeves I'm not the thinnest most beautiful person out there... but no one runs away from me screaming hysterically either. You know? This is SUCH a POWERFUL statement. Why? Because it shows that in REALITY - you are a normal person. In an N's Mind - you need to be a anorexic porn star to be acceptable. That's not reality. That's sick. For example, in my case, Psycho-Boy's comments about me? Notice how he controls perspective by CONVENIENTLY OMITTING that I am disabled, have had numerous surgeries and other things people who don't know me wouldn't know; things that contribute to my obesity. Ns pick on this stuff like they are 14 year old locker-room bullies screwing with your head. And while people sometimes can be very cruel when I use my cane sometimes or have problems walking (society is very cruel to fat women) I know it's coming from ignorance. For the most part NO ONE has ever said I smell bad, am dirty or ugly. In fact, I often get comments that are the opposite from strangers. So cassiemay, as I tell my friends when they say someone's insulted them "CONSIDER THE SOURCE" This judgement of you being fat is coming from a pathological with a very screwed up version of reality that has zero relation to the truth or normalcy. You wanted a REAL HUSBAND too - and he turned out to be fake man and fake human being at that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.
Apr 6 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

"You wanted a REAL HUSBAND

"You wanted a REAL HUSBAND too" Now, that's a powerful statement! It's what I'll play in my head when I think about my ex's criticism of me. My ex actually didn't criticize me very much although he made it clear that I was not shaped like he would have liked. .... In more important ways, he wasn't what I would have liked. On the other hand, I know I didn't take care of myself very well while we were together... I'm doing better now (at least I have a better haircut! )
Apr 4 - 8PM
better off
better off's picture

Sugar, I probably weigh 30

Sugar, I probably weigh 30 lbs more than my N's wife. That has nothing to do with it. I'm maybe 15 pounds over what I oughta be at this point, I've actually been LOSING weight since we broke up, but I've seen a few pics of his wife and she's a slip of a thing. He probably tells HER he likes someone with some meat on her bones...who knows? He probably likes men, anyway. ;) Like Barbara said, he says whatever will make you feel bad, and obviously that does.
Apr 4 - 8PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

weight

I have had PCOS since I was 9 years old. I NEVER had a weight problem until after I had my kids and then my PCOS went wild. I put on 100lbs in 3 months. Yes, THREE MONTHS. I lost some and now - years later - still have a lot to lose. I am obese. Mostly because of the PCOS... NOT my food intake. Psycho-boy? I told him repeatedly before we met up again, I was very overweight. He insisted he could care less about my weight. My doctors all told me ex-NH's treatment and devaluing of me raised my cortisol levels also which causes extreme weight gain. I am not sensitive about it - I realize it's a disorder I have. I am working on it. But Psycho-Boy, once I exposed him, THOUGHT in his little-boy-brain I would be sensitive about it. And look what he posted ONLINE about me: You were an old girlfriend of YWL from college. You used the internet to track him down after 30 years, which wasn’t too hard because he’s a published writer. You had cyber-sex with him and then got him to agree to meet up with you. When he did meet up with you, to his horror, he saw that his ex-girlfriend from college had ballooned into a 275 lb fat pig with poor hygiene and he didn’t want to bang you. He politely excused himself by saying he couldn’t do this to his wife. You then began stalking him and his family, driving by his house, sending letters to his wife, his parents, his in-laws, his rabbi, the police, anyone with whom you thought you could slander his good name. His poor wife was left with no choice but to report you to the police after you threatened to harm her children. Sound familiar porkchop? FYI - he tracked ME down - I and the police have proof. He made up this whole thing, the weight - the poor hygiene (which is ridiculous and probably what he told his deluded wife) to attempt to get a reaction out of me. It's like writing on the boy's room wall. When you react, then they say "SEE!! I told you she's nuts!" Spare us all. Your N has tried to PLANT A TOXIC, SELF-DEFEATING THOUGHT in your head. And you are buying it. My ex-NH? Told me he didn't want a disabled wife who's medication made her sweat. Foul and nasty, huh? From a supposedly grown man. It has ZERO to do with him 'not wanting a fat wife' ZERO. It has to do with him PURPOSELY MAKING YOU FEEL BAD If he wasn't a shallow, hollow man who cares more about someone's appearance than their character and loving WHO THEY TRULY ARE (because he's incapable of feelings) your weight would not be an issue. This does nothing but prove that he's mean, evil, shallow, and immature. He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve a REAL person at all. Send him a blow up doll. Do not let this toxic thought take up free rent in your head. It's just a hurtful comment like "your feet smell." He KNEW it would 'get to you.' Jerk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.
Apr 4 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

barbara et.al.

Jesus, that is Horrible! I'm so sorry that you had to endure this. I can't imagine how painful it must have been... Thanks for responding to me. I'm trying to think through these things rationally. It's a difficult subject, at least for me and hearing all of your thoughts is refreshing and helpful. CM
Apr 4 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cassiemay

Did you read my story with Psycho-Boy? and HIS version? I still have PTSD. Talk about hateful. Here - its Saturday night so you can all have a laugh at his twisted poor-me version of events: http://www.jewishblogging.com/blog.php?bid=96316 Now doesn't YOUR N do the same crap? Tell these made-up twisted reality versions of things to you and about you? When you step back and see it - it's pathetic. In the case of Psycho-Boy I remember this is the same guy who posted LURID reviews of his lunch hour romps with high-priced escorts. How his wife thinks that yours-truly "made it all up" when some of it was posted online YEARS before he found me on Classmates just shows the denial the partners of pathologicals live with. I know I can't and won't do that. A couple of his online dating posts are still up too: Eroticy.com/MySexetera/Profile/ViewProfile.asp?ID=282692 Eroticy.com/MySexetera/Profile/ViewProfile.asp?ID=221863 One thing I can say is at least my ex-NH didn't post about crap online in a smear effort, but then he & I have children together. He's a Narc for sure but Psycho-Boy is a full blown PSYCHOPATH. It's painful only because I really loved and cared about these people - just like you all. And in many ways I still do love Psycho-boy (oddly I can't love ex-NH, he's done tooooo much damage over the last 28 years) but I can love from a distance without being "IN LOVE" and know that he's a sick soul-less lying cretin. cassiemay there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are a loving, warm, honest person capable of empathy. You are a REAL woman. These jerks don't deserve REAL women in their FAKE worlds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.
Apr 4 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
better off
better off's picture

You know, these attacks are

You know, these attacks are ridiculous when you really look at them..."he didn't want to bang you...he excused himself by saying he couldn't do this to his wife.." So..apparently the longsuffering guy would have done whatever he wanted under other circumstances?? Wow, he's really the poor victim, isn't he? What a tool.
Apr 4 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

heck yeah

This is the SAME dude that police found on cybersex boards, phone sex on his credit credit and seeing high price escorts during his lunch hours for at LEAST 3 years BEFORE I came on the picture. And he's got a belly, he's bald and last I saw... he needed a bra. better off - have you read my story? and his version of what really happened? The latter is so full of crap (even to those who don't know me or him) it's classic Narc B.S. This SAME guy told one of MY FRIENDS that he was trying to get into bed - that he was "divorcing his wife" soon and he didn't like tall women (his wife AND I are almost 6' tall). He told me he liked light hair, told her he liked only dark hair. They point is if they want to lure you: THEY SAY WHAT MAKES THAT HAPPEN If they want to hurt, harm, devalue and upset you: THEY SAY WHAT MAKES THAT HAPPEN. like I always say: if their lips are moving, they are lying ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.