We As Women Need To Stop Having Or Needing A Man To Define Us

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#1 Dec 30 - 6AM

ImStrong

We As Women Need To Stop Having Or Needing A Man To Define Us

We Are a Individual

We must no boundries ook for him or any man to show us which direction our lives should go..
tHe number one mistake where all gulty of is Allowing these men to run the show..our Show..

We need to be Independent

Amd stop being afraid of the inknown but beaware that if we are volburable or naïve we will pay the concequences in full

We Must Be Stern

Learn that a woman with boindries is a woman with Power..Of Power and of nobility..She is firm with her partner while wnsuring her love of herself onto him

Learn From your Narcissist

If you take out anything from this experience learn that being a bit vain and loveing yourself can go along way..We did not love ourselves fully before we met these men..we where handicap in the self esteem dept..we did not allow time eo be alone..we jumped from man to man..relationship to relationship..marriage to marriage..devorce to devorce..We also stayed in long term abuse relationships ignoring all red flags..

We are Champions..

If we incoporate the GOod and the bad into our new lives we will be unstopable..we must look at the bigger picture and not just our little Narc..we must collect all that we learn and use it as a shield..a second brain..a act of knowledge..

We are Now Super Women..

We must love those who love us and care for those who care for us..we must be pleasant nice and not change who we are for know one..do not bring baggage in every relationship..LET GO

We Must Carry On..

Do not fear the strength of moving on with your lives..be fun and adventorous do not look at it as a drag..Make the best of your life and know that know man can but you..

I listen to everyones stories even mine..and I find all a resemblence of low selfesteem that brung us all hear..We sulk and can't forget about these garbage of men because deep inside some time we felt like garbage so there is a connection btwn us and these men we cannot let go..

The reason healthy women do not go along with these men or spend a sec on them crying is because ..there self esteem is there..They learned in there life that a man does not make them whole..They make themselves whole..they can go years without a man..when we can't even go days..

We need tovtake pointers from these healthy woman and be around them..they don't go for just looks in a man..or a casonova..or a man that sweps them off there feet too quickly..A conman

They know he's too good to be good right away and quickly leave..they don't even get past the first conversation with these silly men..because to a healthy woman he is that silly..

We cherish love..and abuse ourselves while taking abuse from them..worshipa nd give all ourselves to these men..sacrifice after sacrifice..with little to no reward..we beg we plea.. we aplogize..we say sorry..we cook we clean..we make kids with these men

WE NEED TO STOP

And live with ourselves..and make sacrifices for ourselves..cook and clean for ourselves..Love ourselves..

Ask your self..

Why can't I be alone with me..Why Do I need a man?

Why can't I go years without a man and feel fine with it..

Why do I need any man?

What are my boundries?

Do I love me..do I even like me?

Luv to here what you ladies say

#2 Dec 31 - 6AM

Scotchy71

Sorry I disagree

One point you mentioned a few times about being in low self esteem and jumping into relationship after relationship - I didn't. When I met my narc, I'd been single 6 years getting over a man who cheated on me but was not a narc. I needed to find myself and decided to get myself to an understanding of who I was in order to love myself, and therefore be capable of loving another human being. I had to love myself first, and I came to. I was happy being alone and being just me, discovering me, pleasing me and getting to know me when he came into my life 6 years later. I was strong, independent, confident and just about the perfect supply for his empty existence. You don't have to be weak for these predators to strike. In fact, they don't target weak people, they are zoned in to our empathy and confidence. It's NOT OUR FAULT THEY ABUSED US!! We have to stop blaming ourselves. I believe the only time we need to accept the blame is, when we understand we're being abused but refuse to respect ourselves enough to get out. Fool me once, your fault....fool me twice, my fault...as the saying goes. That's not to say I think it's easy to leave, it's not, but when we realise what's happening and it's not healthy, we have to make the decision and decide what we're willing to accept and what is unacceptable but we are not to blame for their behaviour EVER. Hope this makes sense..Imstrong, you are a healthy woman, that's why he wanted you! There's nothing unhealthy about being taken by these people...we gave unconditionally to them, they didn't - not our fault and please do not blame you!!!!! How could we know these people were fake? If they showed that from the start, would we be here??? No, we would have run away, not even looked in their direction...you SHOULD love you, you're amazing, xxx

#3 Dec 30 - 8PM

michele115 (not verified)

Absolutely

Well said! Part of wallowing in the grief is a resistance to let go. Someone said it here, or I read it somewhere that clinging to the pain is still a "connection" I think Shortway said it? I have to heal because of the trauma that ensued and it brought up other issues? BUT, he can take a walk off a short pier... I am amazed at how soon relief came, but I owe so much to this board and now I wish everyone could feel the release. And, no I'm not looking for anyone...I'm liking this being alone...I have to get used to it again, but I spent ten years alone, and if I'm alone for the rest of my life so be it = I have a heck of a lot of living to do... I'm no longer a prisoner in my own skin!

#4 Dec 30 - 8PM

michele115 (not verified)

Absolutely

#5 Dec 30 - 5PM

Susan32

"Infinite bliss"

The ex-Psych professor confused himself with Leo Tolstoy, who agreed with the famous writer that a woman finds "infinite bliss" in submitting completely to a man, even if it means death in childbirth. (Tolstoy was also notoriously cruel to his wife whenever she was in pain during or after pregnancy, or if she refused his sexual advances) One of his favorite quotes was from Tolstoy's "On Women" that if a woman bears 2 or 20 children, it isn't enough. He'd tell me that if I married a man (him) and had kids, I'd no longer search for the meaning of life or be interested in philosophy. In the first epilogue of his favorite book, "War and Peace", the heroine Natasha isn't interested in women's rights, the rights&obligation of marriage partners, and Pierre sees himself a "mixture of good and bad, but in Natasha he saw only good, and was a reminder that he was a good man." Talk about idealization! Infinite bliss comes from surrender to God... NOT complete submission to a mere mortal man! As my therapist told me after the final D&D, it was about ME defining MYSELF, NOT having the ex-P define me. While I felt like she was condemning me for falling in love with a teacher... she was RIGHT on that one.

#6 Dec 30 - 2PM

ClusterF

It is possible

To actually have fun by yourself. Movies, media and society tell us that having someone else hog the remote is better than being able to surf yourself just because you have someone else there to hog it. Bullcookies. Enjoy your control. Watch what you want. Cook what you want. Read what you want, when you want to read it. Enjoy the sunshine, and if you are lucky enough to have a yard, fix your coffee the way you want it and enjoy the morning sunshine before you go to work. Play what you want to on the stereo and crank it. The joy of choices must not go unappreciated. Have drinks with your friends. If you've been isolated, find a restaurant that you feel comfy with and go have dinner. Bringing something to read, or your laptop is no shame. Tip well and you will find a haven. The list goes on and on. The more you enjoy your own choices, the better your self-esteem will be and loneliness will be an emotion that you simple don't feel anymore. A nice relationship will be icing on the cake. Bake the cake first ;-)

#7 Dec 30 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

spinning

Absolutely...

brilliant! I used to do all those things...and you're especially right about the restaurant haven. For quite a few years the barkeeps and servers were my friends; there's nothing like walking into a place and having the glass of wine arrive at the table before you do! Being called by first name. Being treated WELL, and being found interesting just because you're not cut from the cookie cutter... I stopped "stopping off" during the N thing (I probably don't need to explain why)... It really is all about choices...and baking the cake, first. Awesome post, Cluster. Like a few others here, it reminds me that I am not/nor was ever defined by a man until the N tried to redefine my whole life, which I allowed. WTF... Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

#8 Dec 30 - 1PM

Briseis

I have been single longer

I have been single longer than I've been in relationships too. I don't feel like a second class citizen because I don't have a boyfriend. My problem was "disappearing" inside the other person and losing myself. So I'm reluctant to get super involved with anyone, even platonically. I probably don't need to worry as much as I think. I am not a good one to weigh in here because I've never felt that I "needed a man". I know that is the case with a lot of perfectly FINE ladies, and that it can be something to be ashamed of. If it applies to you DON'T be ashamed, you are one of a couple of billion at least :D If it's not a "man" you need to define your worth, it's your looks (and the man), or something else. So no one is exempt. The problem is seeking your worth outside yourself. It's OUR version of projection. No, narcs aren't the only ones who project, they just project EVERYTHING. Normal people project too, just do it much less. An interesting subject all on it's own. I do believe I have found the path I was destined to be on, my birthright of just being born me. I make my own meaning, but I'm still very interdependent with those I care about. I never thought I would find it through someone else until I got into it deep with the exNarc. What a complete and utter disaster. I got the idea of calling him my "coyote man" from Leah, because while he was tearing me to shreds, we ended up on a farm and THAT, whatever it meant deep inside, what where I found myself. I'm not just a crazy farm animal lady (though from outward appearances . . . :D ). There is something important to my SOUL about living in a wildish country setting and having deep relationships with untamed earth and it's denizens. I've "re-discovered" a purpose I was born with, to caretake others. I'm learning how to do it with DISCRETION :D . So far, so good.

#9 Dec 30 - 11AM

really

I might be atypical, but I

I might be atypical, but I was never one of those women that NEEDED to have a man. I've been w/o a BF waaaayyyy more than with. I think I ended up in the situation with an N for exactly the opposite reason. I WANTED to have a man and here was someone who was challenging enough and fun enough and handsome enough... He captivated me. He wasn't boring and predictable, but exciting and spontaneous. Of course, now I know there's something to be said for boring and predictable and just plain nice. I have not gotten to the point in my head where I am committed to that being all there is, though. Eventually, maybe I will. Or maybe it just never will be for me. Either way, I'm not going through this again!!!

#10 Dec 30 - 10AM

victimnomore

Imstrong

You are so right. I am out of a longterm Narc relationship for 15 weeks now and I want to spend my time without a man. I need this time for myself because I've let my NH use and abuse me to the point of I am disgusted with myself. I want to feel good again and I don't want a man to make me feel this way. I want to love myself and be ok with myself. Thanks for the post. I am really trying hard to get to a place of being content with me. Why would I miss abuse or someone constantly hurting me? I was miserable with my NH and now I just want to be happy with me. 25 years is a long time to dedicate to someone who could care less about you. So I am trying to take my power back and love myself.

victimnomore

#11 Dec 30 - 8AM

Deidre99

Amen! I agree...I had

Amen! I agree...I had struggled with the need for male affirmation/approval since I was a teen. It subsided, but would rear its head when I'd enter relationships... I always thought though that I was a strong woman. But, deep down, yearned for approval. Narcs prey on these types of women. They like to take seemingly strong women and break them down. I think they enjoy that better than someone who seems weak from the onset. That said, I thought I was past this, from narc #1 years ago. But, narc #2 showed me I wasn't. In a way, I should be thankful I went through this, because I see the work that still needs to be done. Going NC helped in a big way with this--to clear away the noise and confusion and self doubt that the narc planted in my head, and replaced it with positives. I also think that having a strong faith is key to healing. Only God needs to affirm me. He and His standards are what matters most to me, now. I just wish we didn't have to go through pain to grow...but, maybe there is no other way to grow... Good thoughts here, imstrong!

#12 Dec 31 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

If you read..

the Spiritual Rules of Engagment, it basically says that women are already "complete". We don't need a man to complete us spiritually. Men actually need us more to guide their spiritual energy. I like to think that relationships are "intradependent"--meaning both can survive on their own, but together it's so much better. Synergy. The 1+1=3 concept. God wants you to learn & grow...so you "earn" what He wants to give you. Everyone--be strong!

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