We slept together AGAIN..and I initiated it...please help..

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#1 Jul 10 - 11AM

sarah787

We slept together AGAIN..and I initiated it...please help..

I don't know what happened to my self respect. Last week after not seeing him for 5 months we slept together- he pretty much initiated it. It was hurried, and on his terms. This time- I wanted it to be on my terms and I invited him over to my place.
Here are some of the things he said:

"I think there is something wrong with me..when I look back to all my exes they all got a little unstable."

"Don't you have a problem with me being here? Next week I will be going on dates with other girls, it just doesn't seem right."

"I don't want a relationship right now. Lucy was serious enough (referring to his rebound relationship right after he broke up with me)"

"I'm hoping in a couple years you won't be so emotional, but I know before then you will meet a guy that will accept you for you..for all of you..which I couldn't do.."

I told him it was cruel of him to keep on saying in a few years he hopes we end up together, so I forced him to tell me it was over for good. Then we had sex. Right when it was done he told me he had to go to a friend's party. I cried like a child, and he left. He texted me shortly after "thanks for being so cool about everything. I'm going to miss you so much."

I got wasted. Called him, asked him to pick me up. He wouldn't and he told me he "knew this was going to happen." We hung up and I texted him I loved him...and I will stop now.

He pretty much is admitting he is an asshole (not sure if that's a narc thing or what) and I still let him in- still let him sleep with me. It's like I'm constantly battling in my head how to end things before I officially start NC. I feel rejected. I guess my hope was for him to want to date me again so I could say NO thank you. Spending time with him I realize we can never go back. I could never trust him, but I still look to him for my self worth. Damn it- I want my dignity so bad. I want him to feel I lost an amazing woman. But last night I realized he does not want me.

I want to go NC...but I am so mad once again..I was too nice to him. I feel so out of whack. Please help- you guys are my life line.

#2 Jul 10 - 11PM

wholeagain

I'm with NinjaGirl et. al

In saying you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps! I think many of us were trained that love conquers all, and that you don't quit relationships--you hash it out, work on it, be strong enough for the both of you, overcome, etc. Take it from me--I did that twice, overcoming infidelity and much, much worse. I thought I "won", but what did I win? The chance to go through it all again at a later date when they couldn't behave any longer. What a waste. And even if this guy does come back and promise he'll change, don't discount how much deep damage you already carry from him. That doesn't just magically go away, ever. It festers. To continue with my western analogies, get back in the saddle. He's told you all you need to know, that he's a selfish s*** who doesn't deserve one second of your time. Believe him and get mad.

#3 Jul 10 - 10PM

broken23

good advice from everyone

good advice from everyone sarah only thing i can add is that you wanting him to come back and want you, and then you get to reject him...that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Look at the pattern...how many times have you done this to yourself. Do you know how many times i wished for this? when it did happen i would never say no thanks, i instead listened to his crap and hoped things will be different this time. If he said sorry, sarah i love you, i want to be with you....chances are you would never say No. it took me a LONG TIME. 12 years to realize why it always ends up so badly with him...the truth is i would never leave because i have emotions, and love him, and desperately want to believe it would be different. Thats why when he left last time, i just let him. All that matters is i didnt go back, and most days im grateful he didnt come back yet...because i am not strong enough to say no.

#4 Jul 10 - 10PM

baddream

Listen to Ninja Girl!

You are becoming your own worst enemy. You must stop looking to him for validation. It will never come. You said you can not trust him-- you never will. He is not good for you. He is toxic! The only way to get back your dignity is to empower yourself by leaving. Do this for yourself, NOT as a way to get him back. It will not work. Do not keep going back! NC NC NC NC....

#5 Jul 10 - 7PM

enoughalready

NC

I've been there and have felt the same way! The ONLY way to free yourself from him is NC-NC-NC!!! Try to be strong again! Narcs are truly a waste of your time and life! They will never change-pathology never changes.

#6 Jul 10 - 5PM

NinjaGirl

You're not going to like this

But I honestly feel like you can only blame yourself for this one. He was doing what you knew, what we all knew, he would do. I know that sounds heartless and b*tchy, but you let yourself be used, even as he was telling you he didn't want you. If you look to someone else for validation, what are you going to do when things REALLY get rough in your life? What are you going to do if you're ever truly alone with no one? YOU validate yourself. You have to, or you will NEVER be happy. Take it from me on this one. You can't keep trying to manipulate him into a scenario where you get to leave him. It won't work for two reasons: 1) They're master manipulators, 2) You clearly want to be with him, or else you wouldn't have let him use your body and f*ck with your head. You want your dignity back? Stop getting wasted, stop contacting him, stop sleeping with him, stop dreaming of this great scenario where he realizes what he lost. YOU ARE LOSING YOURSELF! I told Sad that I know I sound harsh today, but I'm not going to say it's ok. What you did was not ok. It wasn't ok or fair to yourself. You invited the abuse. We can only blame them so much. At some point we HAVE to take responsibility for our own actions. You can't control him, but you CAN control yourself. I care about you very much. I care very much about everyone here. And there are times when I can be sweet and compassionate and kindhearted. And then there are times when I think someone needs a swift kick in the butt. I can't give you my resolve. No one else can. You have to find it within yourself. You have to find your own dignity. You have to create it by NOT CONTACTING HIM. He is USING you and saying hurtful things, and you're letting him sleep with you as he does so. If you were my child, I would ground you for a year and kick his teeth in. I'm sorry if anything I said hurt you, but it's time to get angry. Get angry at me if you want. I can take it. Just stay angry. Angry is better than sad and emotional and out of control.

#7 Jul 10 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

Steph

I totally agree with

I totally agree with NinjaGirl and smileyface on this one. There comes a point when you have take responsibility for yourself. Can't add anything further than what NinjaGirl wrote. Find some strength from within you and remain No contact. You will NEVER regain your dignity until you do that. This is hard, but you can do it.

#8 Jul 10 - 6PM (Reply to #13)

smileyfacepr

ninjagirl

I have to agree w/everything u said..I have said it b4 and ill say it again..WE HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILTY AT SOME POINT FOR OUR ACTIONS AND WHAT WE LET THEM DO TO US!They no longer have the power, we do!!!! We have choices, we need to make the ones we know r right even if they hurt now, we will b better off later!!!

smileyfacepr

#9 Jul 10 - 5PM

ewa

I can't get how they can be

I can't get how they can be so heartless. He knew what harm he was going to do and he did. Heartless creatures. I am so sorry you went through it. Now you know what to do. You see every contact brings something hurtful and ugly to our lives. NC is the only option..

#10 Jul 10 - 3PM

girlfriday

scraps and crumbs

"Spending time with him I realize we can never go back. I could never trust him, but I still look to him for my self worth. Damn it- I want my dignity so bad. I want him to feel I lost an amazing woman. But last night I realized he does not want me." You're getting some great advice here. Seems you had an ah-ha moment last night-- that he does not want you. Period. Accept that. Acceptance makes things easier because now we can work with what IS. With reality. This isn't really about him anymore or whether he's an N or a P or an S or as ASS. It's about you. And the straight dope is that as long as you are looking for validation outside yourself, you will keep finding yourself in a situation similar to this. The start to getting your dignity back is acceptance and then choosing to never accept scraps and crumbs from him or anyone else ever again. A lesson I've had to learn the hard way too...You can do it.

#11 Jul 10 - 2PM

TNR1

Hey Sarah....

One piece of advice that my therapist gave me that I think would help you tremendously. "You cannot control another person, you can only control yourself". You keep going back because you think ultimately you will be able to have the outcome you want, but realistically, you are never going to get that because you cannot control him and his response to you. The lack of empathy means that these guys NEVER think of anyone else. They do and say EVERYTHING because it is what they want in the moment. I know what you are going through, I'm going through it too as are most of the people on this board. You will NEVER get what you want if you keep going back to him. You need to let go of that desire, as hard as it is to do that. I sent you an email to the address you had listed in my story. I would love to hear from you. I think for now, when you want to call or text or email him, you need to reach out to someone on this board. We can help you through it Sarah. You are not alone. HUGS!

#12 Jul 10 - 2PM

smileyfacepr

STOP!!

The only way to get ur self respect back is to go totally NC..ever....stop looking for him to validate u, he will not!! I used to say to my ex N..ur such an asshole..his response..I know..lol! What an asshole for real! The only way iv been able to get my dignity and self respect back is by being NC..no matter what Im going thru..he does not have to know it and by not contacting him..Im telling him " Im not allowing u to treat me that way anymore"! NC is very hard but iv gotten thru it for 1 yr.....hoorayyy..Im still alive and Im still here..and this wk I have found although I think of him everyday..I do think of him less! And when a thought comes in I say "fuk u, u asshole, ur loss" and do something else, think ablut something else..but I will not give him the power anymore..he took way to much already!!!! Good luck..NO CONTACT!!!!

smileyfacepr

#13 Jul 10 - 1PM

Lisa E. Scott

Sarah787

Do not beat yourself up for this. That's the first and most important thing. Forgive yourself and move on. Clearly by the things he said to you, he is nothing but a complete asshole. Regardless of whether he's a narc or not, which I think he is, he is absolutely cruel and sadistic. The things he said to you are horrible. As hard as this was, I hope it makes you realize never ever to take him back. This is your proof. Like I said, don't beat yourself up. You need to take care of yourself right now and treat yourself with loving kindness. You are not alone. We are here for you. Hang in there. xoxo

#14 Jul 10 - 12PM

Amy

You will be ok

I did the same. I think the sex makes us feel like we are validated - loved and wanted for that time. My experiences were similar - afterwards he would say he knew I'd be married to someone else in 2 years. It really hurt. The only thing you can do is move on - maintain strict NC. I know that whenever I have been there, the only time I feel good is when I am in NC, and it gets better as time goes on.

#15 Jul 10 - 12PM

Scoop

Oh dear ... this was such a

Oh dear ... this was such a huge trigger for me as i have heared the same things come out of my wank face narc ... they are all the same . So ... what to do now .. it seems to me you are trying to put off the enevatable grief that comes with going nc with these men .. i was the same .. i would do one more look , just one more look and it was like bashing my head against a brick wall i found out it really bloody hurt . The point i went NC is when i realised that i couldnt be hurt anymore by him , i had reached the end . Trust me when i say there is revenge and dignity in silence from you , its dosent happen straight away but its a slow death to them , and you heal , it is the only way to reverse youre fortune but you have to be patient .. its a bit like if you where really over weight and you start to diet and excersise , you know you are not going to be a size 10 straight away but you know that you will in 6 months if you stick at it .. The crazy obssesive thought die down slowly slowly and in time you begin to funtion like you did before you met the freak . Think back to how you where , in a few weeks you will get a hint of that back and it gets more and more untill you are right back and guess what you meet someone else and you fall in love and .... It will happen and that new guy well he will be 100 times better than the narc ... big love to you .. and dont beat youre self up like last time , love who you are , you are the normal one , he is the freak of nature and dont EVER forget it xxx

#16 Jul 10 - 11AM

stillsinging

sorry meant to say

but got carried away, that you wish you had n't been so nice, i wish i had n't been so nasty, but we'd never get it right.

#17 Jul 10 - 11AM

stillsinging

commiserations. you sound

commiserations. you sound like an amazing woman even if he does n't see it but i know how hurtful it is not to feel wanted and i too wanted mine to feel he'd lost an amazing woman - i'm still hoping that in truth. i saw him last night, he wanted me to go and visit him and having read these boards for ages and thought about his behaviour i was thinking it might be the last time and how it would be nice to sleep with him for last time and how i would just make him think i was a little bored, i was not going to cry or lose it. instead, after no sex, no affection, not even a conversation (he had been ill but still..), no dinner, woke me up twice in the night, blamed me, seemed to be spoiling for a fight. i lay there and thought he really is a xxxx i can't have this. then i lost my temper, told him i thought he was a xxxx and left. i don't know if i'm glad cos why should n't i show my feelings and react to the bad treatment recently, or sorry i did n't play it cooler cos now i've given him something to blame me for and he is likely to say nasty things about me. maybe he would anyway. i too feel out of whack,worse with no sleep, i feel conned, cross with myself for being an idiot, then i remember the fun times (counted 7, 37 bad), then that he can never have a proper, loving relationship with anyone, that he is cold and hard and it was a joyless releationship last few months, that i deserve better and i feel freer and clearer, i am losing my burden. no more trying to look perfect and he still does n't seem to fancy me despite all the talk about how beautiful i am when we're out and about. i see so cleaarly that whatever happens it would only have got worse, that nice bit was an act to reel me in. and i don't think it was conscious 100% i think they're hard wired like that. i'm sad for his soul but mostly happy that it's not draining me. all the best

#18 Jul 10 - 11AM

almostlydia

you had a weak moment and

you had a weak moment and got burned. don't beat yourself up in addition to his beat down. i've done it too and regretted it terribly but sometimes i think we need the extra shove, another reminder why we have to get this slow poison out of our life. start again, it should be a little easier this time as you had 5 mos of practice. STOP beating yourself up. you made a mistake and gave in to your heart. Refocus on why you need him out of your life so you never have to feel like this again. Stay strong.

almostlydia

#19 Jul 10 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

alma25

You can do it

I broke NC after one year of not responding to his messages. I thought that maybe he was realy sorry, that I can meet him, get some closure, keep some good memories.I didn't. He just wanted to hurt me again and when I responded him finally, he wrote something very nasty. He just wanted to show me that he still has got control over me. It satisfied him I think, for a while. I know how you feel. I remember having sex with him after the third D&D. I wanted to feel secure, valued, better. He reeled me in and after one month, he repeated the pattern.The only thing you can do is to stay NC no matter what, cause every contact with him will bring you only extra suffering.It's not important that you broke it.Just start all over again. I did it. You can do it too.Don't let him play with you.Narc or not ,he is a very bad person, who enjoys your suffering.

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