Was your narc unaffectionate?

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#1 Aug 17 - 3AM
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

Was your narc unaffectionate?

I just want to know how common this is.
When we were a new couple,he was affectionate maybe the first 3 or 3 months.But at a certain point, the affection went away--exept for hand-holding.
And as far as intimacy,he was indifferent at best,then that too was history.He still kept seeing me on a regular basis,and calling every day,but wasnt treating me like a girlfriend (exept for holding hands and calling me honey). He never made much of an effort to do anything fun together...just wanted to go for walks,hang-out,and talk about himself and things that were important to him. It was really wierd. I felt like a walking sounding board.
One time,when we had only been together about 5 months,after i had stood by him through many coke-bindges (including a mo of him being locked-up when i went and got all his things out of his apt for him),and after my family and i continuing to welcome him with open arms....he turned to me and said "Maybe some day we'll just be really good friends." GROOVY! I guess i shouldve walked away at that point,but stayed for a year longer.
He denied losing his feelings for me,and insists he loves me,etc. I dont get it. Its over,but i guess im still trying to make sence of things.
Did anyone elses narc act like this?

Aug 18 - 3PM
bakingfortherapy
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mine was...

mine was overly affectionate all the time.. I think it made his feel loved!
Aug 17 - 1PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

affection

That was his thing - to be very sweet and affectionate but only when HE felt like it - I mean the most loveable big teddy bear in the world! But if I initiated wanting to see him and he did not control it, he was totally indifferent and acted like I was a stranger intruding on him and was very irritable with having me around. It was awful emotionally because I did not understand why he would turn it on and off. The affection was so seductive and wonderful but it would just disappear and then come back... This pattern of acting super duper loving and then icey lasted pretty much the whole 12 years. I was conditioned not to ask for love for wait for it. He liked it when I left him alone and he could then chase. This is ok in a new relationship as men do like to chase, but it never progressed past this for a decade! Mine was a pot addict and he was very sweet when high...then restless and irritable with me by morning. I always felt like he could not wait for me to leave even though he would cook me big breakfasts - I still did not ever really feel welcome. He always said have a nice day but it seemed so painful for him to share himself and his space.
Aug 18 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
badjer
badjer's picture

Mine was always controlling

Mine was always controlling with his affection. he used to go on about how unaffectionate he was normally, thereby conditioning me to be 'grateful' for whatever warmth he deigned to throw my away, which I lapped up. He was a cold man and it became more noticeable over time, with him walking sometimes 5 paces in front of me not even bothering to look back when we crossed the road. Lovely fella!
Aug 17 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
dabussard
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ifinallygotit

Oh my, I could have written this word for word.. Are you sure we were not seeing the same guy! The push/pull would confuse me beyond belief... Yes, the affection had to be on his terms only... He CONTROLLED when I would see him too... If he texted for me to come and see him, it had to right NOW! Didn't matter that I was riding and needed to put the horse away and feed... By the time I would get up there, he would have the door locked and be rockin in his chair and not answer the door.. Mine was an alcoholic, very fun and loving when drunk... Pure A%%hole when sober... So, I always felt unwelcome and awkward the next morning... I know that he could not wait for me to leave the next day... He was done with me, now be gone! One cold winter morning last February, we had spent a wonderful, initimate night together... I went out to start my F350 Diesel truck and it would not start... I had to plug it in to warm the block up, it took two hours before it would start... He would hardly talk to me... Kept asking, think it will start yet??? I think he was afraid mommy would show up and I would still be there.. Wish these Jacknuts would just disappear off the face of the earth!!! WHO NEEDS MEN WHEN THERE ARE HORSES!!! I AM SPINNING AND IT PISSES ME OFF!!!
Aug 17 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

yeah but not the same guy

Scary that there are so many similar personalities... Horses are good but still very lonely...mine could be very comforting and calm - I am freaked out a year later but dealing
Aug 17 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
dabussard
dabussard's picture

ifinallygotit

These freaks are all the same!! Your right horses are great... At least they are happy to see me everyday and they don't care how long I stay... lol
Aug 17 - 12PM
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

simularities

Wow, it was good for me to read all these posts! Now I don't feel so alone, being treated like a sounding board/enemy/counselor by my ex pretend boyfriend. Thankyou all you guys for your responces. :)
Aug 17 - 9AM
Journey
Journey's picture

Absolutely!

You described my exN very well here. In the beginning he was all over me, all the time, but after about 4 months his affection would come and go... mostly go. It was very push-pull and unpredictable. Hand holding while watching a movie, maybe. He didn't like to be touched much either, said it made him feel claustrophobic. But like yours, mine wanted to see me every day but we began to do little outside together. And in public? there was seldom a time when he'd show affection, so seldom I remember those times quite clearly. Mine withheld sex often and wanted complete control. I was accused of trying to manipulate him with sex when I initiated it, it HAD to be his idea. After two years of being my 'best friend' and constant companion/pretend lover he just up and left. What a jerk.

Journey on...

Aug 17 - 8AM
How could I
How could I's picture

very affectionate at first

Mine was so affectionate at first. Found so many ways and times to give me even a little kiss. Now the only time I get a kiss or a hug is when he wants more. Now that I think of it, he doesn't even tell me he loves me very much anymore. Used to even tell me that he worshiped me. Oh, this is the most painful thing I have ever been through.
Aug 17 - 8AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

unaffectionate

I can describe my ExN's show's of "affection" as very stiff. Any time he put his hand on my leg when i sat next to him it seemed unnatural for him. He hated being touched himself. Backrubs- No way. Cuddling-Heck no! He didn't even feel comfortable if you sat really close. However in public, he wanted me to be all over him. To be affectionate they would have to have emotions. Hugging him was like hugging my fridge, Cold.
Aug 17 - 6AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

cold as ice!!!

Yes, absolutely my ex narc husband was only affectionate when he had sex. Out of sex he never held me, kissed me, touched me or even sat near me. When we had sex he would look me in the eyes and kiss me but it was never honestly affection. I thought it was I suppose. I have recently had another (bad news) date with a man who is almost certainly a narc too. He is very affectionate, but again it is switched on and off and random will. Though he held my face and kissed my face and touched and kissed me all over, something my ex- narc husband would have NEVER done.. I crave affection and I think these narc people merely mimic affectionate stances to gain the attention they want, to gain a partner in the first instance and to appear emotional. They might even need to be touched and caressed as we do but certainly for my ex husband... if I wasn’t sucking him off or having sex then he was a cold and ice. It was hideous. I hated that to get close to him, to get his weird messed up version of ‘warmth’ I had to get jiggy. I wanted to cooch up and watch movies or just hug but he didn’t. I think in reality he was never that into me. We got stuck together because we got pregnant early on and got married and bought a house. He openly says ‘I never loved you’ and that he thought another man could love me more. These people are dead inside. They fear intimacy, real true deep intimacy because they are incapable of it. They have no propensity to love or be loved and so intimacy reminds them of their inability to love. They don’t like to ‘feel’. It makes them 'human' and they see humanity as weak. They despise weakness. They want to be strong, respected and revered. To love or give affection would see them in a softer light for which they do care for. Demand intimacy and respect. If it’s not there, get out!!!
Aug 18 - 2AM (Reply to #4)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

I had plenty of snuggling

and hugging up on the couch watching TV. All that did was create a false sense of safety and peace. The dichotomy of abandonment after extreme affection makes it even more freaky and painful
Aug 18 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Snuggle and Spoon

Mine was always affectionate, snuggle on couch, spoon all night long, holding hands and kisses in public. During the D&D he became distant and disinterested thats how I knew something was up or a month or so (he was getting new supply somewhere else). Then came crawling back with the same affection because the supply obviously left him when I caught them together (good for her!!!). I remembering him saying to me "she will never speak to me again" but this was after he told me she slept in the guest bedroom. Freakin liar and I fell for the BS. He was a loving narc, never had a temper or raised a voice to me. I was married to a raging Narc for 17 years and am determined not to fall into their traps again!
Aug 17 - 5AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Yes. Mine was unemotional as

Yes. Mine was unemotional as well. At first, wow.......but after a few months.......the real him began to show. I am sure he kissed me, I honestly can't remember how often or how little of it he did. There was an awful lot of hand holding as well. That's probably the best he could do.........any of them for that matter.
Aug 18 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
kevsmart
kevsmart's picture

Cold Shoulder

My ex was EXTREMELY affectionate for the first few months as well (almost overwhelmingly so...) It died off, but I figured that was normal being as the beginning of a relationship is always more intense. A year later when we moved in together, he wanted nothing to do with me. Never cuddled as we used to, barely even touched in bed as we slept (aside from his feet rubbing mine.) The only time he was affectionate was during sex (definitely not afterwards,) and even after awhile that died down and became mechanical. I once commented that I felt I was being treated as a "roommate with benefits" to which he became completely offended. Towards the end, I would lean over to kiss him goodnight, and he wouldn't even kiss back, he would just open his mouth slightly. Even when i would repeatedly kiss him to be affectionate, nothing...it was like kissing a mannequin. He would just turn over and give me the cold shoulder. I said to him once "I know you love me, but are you IN love with me?" to which he replied "I don't understand the question." What's difficult for me to comprehend is how affectionate his is with his new partner...They've been together 4 years (we were together for 4 as well) and all I see are pics of them kissing, holding hands, sending lovey dovey messages on Facebook (don't worry, I blocked him so I do not see any of that anymore.) But he treats his new bf now, after 4 yrs, the way he treated me only for the first few months. That breaks my heart.