Was the whole thing premeditated?

Hey all,

I'd really really like to know....and Can't get to the bottom of this: did he plan the entire situation or did he want out when things got too intimate / confrontational / boring.

That's the ONLY thing I Can't believe now. I genuinely believe he THOUGHT it was love but he's such an empty person he wasn't capable of it.

I know I keep asking questions but I'd really appreciate it if anyone knows


gettinbetter's picture

No it is not premeditated. Only in the case of true psychopaths. These are just reflexive behaviors patterns when they uniqueness feels threatened. I wouldnt call them involuntary reflexes but they are so ingrained in them its almost as they are. Its like breathing. We choose to breath but we dont really think about it. Its just what we do.
Isis's picture

According to the Narc I was with, they like to live the moment and picking up the opportunity: Carpe Diem! I don't think it's premeditated though they can work on their victims for a long period. It's a chase thing. As any Narc, there will be the idealization phase but once the relationship starts to settle (and the initial spark goes), the D&D starts. During this time D&D is starting, they are already "working" on someone else they have on the hook (it can even be an old acquaintance) or going back more to an existent affair. This was my experience. Was it love? Well, Narcs can't love! I'd rather say it was narcissistic supply.
Amazed's picture

They know the end of the story before they begin it with you. They are cunning and con you with all their lies, manipulations, double lives... They knew they were going to dump you before they even asked you out. Sorry,,psychopath/N are evil..just be grateful that you got away and remain NC... Also, be very careful not to get mixed up with these types, you don't want to fall into that same trap again...
Jax's picture

Now that I'm out I can objectively remember how he used to say things that seemed out of character for someone like him. Now I realize he was gauging my reactions to decide which strategy to use. I think that they have a plan/strategy for all situations, mine slipped one day and said that playing chess helped him manipulate his relationships. You should have seen the look on his face when he realized that he let something like that out. If I did not believe in evil, I do now. Its all about control.
fooled no longer's picture

Completely agree with your explanation amazed. They plan, control and know how it will always end even while they are charming you in the begining. Most people, including some of us here, cant deal with the reality that such premediated evil lives next door to us and sleeps in our bed next to us for years. They prefer to say oh dear, he just is a victim of his childhood, he just made mistakes. Very often aftrr the D and D, we are the ones ostrasized by people who think we are hard to label them as disordered, while the Narc skips on to the next victim with lotsa support. Believe it. They are monsters! who look just like us. Physco or Narc same MO They are unredeemable. Repeat: they are unfixable.
ifinallygotit's picture

Moved across country for a new job without telling me after a 10 plus year R. Do you think this was premeditated? I do, though he swore it was not a break up he quickly disappeared and went ST for like 6 months or so resurfaced and did it again (both time only inane texts after disappearing). He had new GF or multiples in a month or less after leaving "in love" with me and swearing he did not want to date others after the move
fooled no longer's picture

Dear iFinallygotit .. ditto, did we have the same narc? Mine was still telling me we werent over as he moved to another continent, all apparently arranged in a day. They are snakes! In fact thats an insult to snakes. They are arsewipes, and useless to man or beast.
ruby01's picture

if it is someone with NPD, they do believe they have met "the one", but they want perfection and that means someone who doesn't question them and thinks they are King. Eventually there is such an imbalance of power in the relationship, and the victim has none of their needs met, so it all crumbles. Their ego's are so huge that no one can meet their needs and sustain a relationship with them. If they are a sociopath, I believe it is a game from the get go.
Isis's picture

"if it is someone with NPD, they do believe they have met "the one", but they want perfection and that means someone who doesn't question them and thinks they are King. " This is very true. Mine was always saying he is trying to find "the one", but time goes by and "the one" wasn't already found. "The one" to Narcs is someone who is willed to tolerate everything without a question, because they consider it accepting as who they are. Of course, "we the normal" are willed to understand each person has a different personality accepting it, BUT, accepting cheating and betrayals without having the right to say a word and express our frustration, goes beyond the limits in my book.
ichooselife's picture

knew there would be an end to "us." After only a few months of being together, and not too long after telling me he wants me in his life forever (1 mo or so)...I started to sense him drifting a little, so I asked him if he still felt the same way. I forgot how he answered but it was unsettling. So I reminded him of when he said he wanted me in his life always,and he "couldnt recall",then said "I don't mean to sound cold, but (chuckle) Im just taking it one day at a time. I don't even know if we'll be together a year from now. Then a couple months later, I have him over for dinner and we're talking afterword about life relationships,etc. Then he turns to me and says "Maybe some day we'll just be really good friends." What a horrible night that was. I knew something was very wrong.He also could never get used to how comitted I was to him. Maybe I wasnt the only one. He's 52 and never been married. So hard to know what goes on in their selfish little minds, but I read somewhere that narcissists secretly despise us for loving them, and that they get bored with us cause they crave variety. It sure felt that way with mine anyway.
Done sourcing's picture

My opinion is they start looking in earnest when they sense we don't adore them anymore. They know deep inside they are different and sick, and when we demonstrate we sense that they get nervous. Each case is different in the particulars, but a narc is a narc and they need to be adored. Funny since all the adorable things they do are false and calculated...the mask that hides the emptiness inside. Also don't forget we are objects to them, that is in all the literature. When we challenge them they use all the tools at their disposal, which we kinda see through and question. When it becomes a daily routine, they start looking somewhere else for the adoration that we have guardedly withdrawn. I think the most important things to remeber are that they are Narcs and that the disorder is permanent. With that knowledge common sense dictates that we move on without them. That happens when our sanity is returned to us. Understanding is important, but it is imperative to acknowledge that we got sick engaged with these people, and that getting away is painful even though being with them is painful also. That's just part of the dysfunction that we experience in these relationships. No contact is the best discipline we can practice as we grow and heal. There will come a point where no contact is easy because it is the natural order of things when dealing with a twisted mind fucker like a narc. Only a fool keeps going up to a known bully, and these people are emotional bullies. ds
gratefuljen's picture

They are looking for the perfect love, the perfect partner, the perfect "Mother". They are searching for something they never got in childhood. And never will. They truly sick people. They destroy everything they ever touch. Their children, their mates. Get on the net and read why they idealize, then devalue and discard. There are awesome articles about npd. And don't feel bad about asking questions, I had to over and over and over. Your right on track. Jen
Used's picture

I have thought about these things....my opinion only... I dont believe the *intimacy* scares them off...cos they have no feelings anyway....how can they begin to feel the intimacy when they cant feel... so this is what i think... Its when the partner of a narc begins to feel and show the intimacy, the narc then knows he has them where he wants them.... They then become bored and thats when they are on the hunt again for pastures new.... Its not so much that is premedatated as ...knowing how it will end , as it has ended this way with so many others before us.... Thats why some of them say early on, I havent had a r/s work....I dont even know if this is what they think, i only know this is what i think.... I was the longest exn had ever spent hours and days with and time....... He was the one who used to say to me...this is intimate, I would say no... The other women he was with /or knew / he had always had some sort of sex involved......with me ,that didnt happen... so no intimacy....as for boredom... He bored me in the end , something I never would have believed when i first met him.... Anyway this is my take on it.....everything is a challenge, once they have conquer the challenge.... Then they are bored, I also think this is when they see how far they can get you to go sexually, b/c other than that there is nothing more there to conquer...
Soldier Girl's picture

I can see that lots of things were premeditated from my ex n
onwithmylife's picture

not necessarily say premeditation, it is part of their personality disorder,when you get too intitmate , when things go well and conversely when you call them out on their behavior, ask for equal treatment, then they view you as a threat to their false/fake self and who they think they are and will devalue and discard you, as mine did after 15 off and on years, he gave new meaning to the term roller coaster ride, never, ever again.............
MandyM's picture

"When you call them out on their behavior, ask for equal treatment" - I believe that was a big part of why mine left. I wasn't playing by his rules. He couldn't do what he wanted anymore. And I think that sums it up. When we stop playing the game and start making them accountable, and they can't sweet-talk their way out of it anymore, we're no longer fun. Or when they find someone who defers to them more than we do, that person is so much more appealing, for obvious reasons. Plain and simple. That's when they're done with us. I'm not entirely convinced that they're all about long-term strategy. I think they just live in the moment.
nomoredenial's picture

Yep I agree with this, this happened to me to And I think that sums it up. When we stop playing the game and start making them accountable, and they can't sweet-talk their way out of it anymore, we're no longer fun.
WorthMore's picture

MandyM, this exactly what I experienced. The demand for equal treatment and the acknowledgement from them that they actually have double standards is a "no no". It gets in the way of them getting what they want at any particular moment and requires that they take our needs into account. They just don't like it, or in the words of my narc, won't "put up with it". The weirdest thing for me was that my narc was all about "negotiating" and being creative to get deals done when it came to business. He'd practically do back flips to get something he wanted in business...I wish that creativity and willingness to negotiate translated into his personal life.
ichooselife's picture

when you call them out on their behaior, ask for equal treatment"...... No wonder he kept backing up from me, that explains alot lol! These guys can't face anything. weenies.
rosedewittbukater's picture

and conversely when you call them out on their behavior. Yup...that one sentence totally sums it up. xx, Rose