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Was she a narcissist?

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#1 Nov 7 - 11PM
Gw80's picture

Was she a narcissist?

I still can't believe it. I'm so hurt and devastated I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Phoned a therapist and she said she was in no doubt I had been with an N. But there are days I still can't quite believe it. I don't want anything but the truth. Would anyone be able to weigh in with their opinion?

Basically here's the story - will try to be concise.

I have been with 4 years, and we got engaged in January. She was so INTO me it was untrue, and she obviously felt it very quickly. We both work on ships, and so this adds a different flavour to story. Anyway, she had us in a relationship on Facebook within weeks, papered her walls with big photos of us, got photos of us made that looked like wedding shots, told me I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Never felt so adored in my life. I think if I'd proposed a month after we met she'd have been thrilled. Everyone thought we were a perfect match - coworkers, my family, it all seemed perfect. She never stopped telling me how wonderful I was. It was like being in a warm bath.

However I was always a little sceptical. Especially at the beginning, i thought she was coming on a little strong. I thought she was lovely, but I took my time falling in love. I was wary of her strong jealous streak, and there was some sort of "lack" about her I couldn't put my finger on. She didn't seem to react to things in a normal way. She seemed to have two emotional states : showering me with love, and anger. I also noticed she blamed people for anything that went wrong for her. We sometimes got into spats over that, because I would tell her to stop pitying herself. Then she would sulk and make me feel like the biggest ogre on earth until I had apologised so much I was blue in the face.

She also did some weird things like, when she came cruising with me as my guest, she'd sit and stare at me all night (I am a piano player and singer). It seemed like she was so into me she couldn't take her eyes off me, but it was a little unnerving.

Fast forward to December 2015. She got a new job on a different ship, and it would mean us spending some time apart. I felt insecure about that and that was the moment I fell in deep love. Got the ring on her finger. She seemed delighted - told everyone "I'm marrying the man of my dreams".

Then she left and we had a few months apart. Skype every night, talked about the wedding, very loved up. She bought her wedding dress. I thought I was set for life.

Then in July we went on holiday with my 8 yr old son. She knew about him from Day One and I thought she accepted him. However it was quite plain from the start of the holiday she didn't relish having him around. I don't know if that's what triggered it, but SUDDENLY she had a personality change. She started criticising me in very snide, cutting ways, implying I wasn't a real man, being totally different from her normal self. Physical affection went out the window, I felt like she was punishing me. And she started behaving in a very immature way. I looked at her and my son and thought "who's the 8 yr old here?"

Anyway we got through it and I went back to work on my ship. I didn't think we had a serious problem to begin with. She still had two weeks leave to go. I phoned her every day from the ship, but I did notice a peculiar tone in her voice, like I was a stranger. Just thought it was a bad mood.

Then she went back to work and the fun and games started. Skype calls became very erratic. And when we did speak she was picking fights, accusing me of weird things, saying some really hurtful things. I remained calm - what on earth was the matter with her?

Then I saw her for one day in port on September 16. I didn't know what I'd find at the ship, but she came out with a smile and kissed me, hugged me. I was incredibly relieved. We went on the her ship for a few hours and she introduced me to people as her fiancé. I thought, ok this seems normal. Only thing that wasn't normal was she didn't want to make love. Hmm, that was odd. But here's the weird thing - she was talking about other men on the ship who wanted to sleep with her, sort of "throwing it in my face". When I look back now the phrase that comes to me is : MIND GAMES. She'd never done that to me before.

I went away that day feeling cool. Then - 10 DAYS not hearing from her. I was frantic. When she did reappear she was horribly cold and hostile, accusing me of bizarre transgressions, when I hadn't done anything at all. She sounded so contemptuous it was incredible. I said to her well, do you still want to be with me? She replied "I don't know". The line went dead.

I frantically wrote to her the following day asking to speak again. She ignored it. The day after I wrote to say I would back off and give her space to come to speak when she was ready. I said I loved her so much. She ignored it.

That was FIVE WEEKS ago. She hasn't said a word to me. If I'm honest, I was so shocked by the change from angel to demon that I was wary of answering her even if she did call.

One day I googled "silent treatment" and it took me straight to an article on narcissism. I thought about all that intensity at the beginning, then how on holiday I had started to feel I was slipping from my pedestal. I learned about discard and "no closure". It all fitted. But how did she keep up th sweet act for SO LONG?

I have nearly become physically ill through this appalling mental torture. I thought how can someone who loved you sincerely DO THIS??

Trouble is, I think I'm still in denial. I can only think about the love and care she lavished on me, how she was going to be my wife. I'm in a real mess.

Dear people, thank you for reading my story, what do you think? I don't want to labour under a delusion of her being an N if she's not, but there are signs, aren't there?

Bless you.

Apr 17 - 1PM
Domo's picture

Narcissist is just a label

Nov 14 - 4AM
Dunlop's picture

There is definitely something

Nov 14 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Jim21's picture

I can relate

Nov 15 - 2AM (Reply to #5)
Dunlop's picture

That was the exact same

Nov 13 - 11AM
Jim21's picture

Similar experience here

Nov 14 - 2AM (Reply to #2)
Gw80's picture

Thank you