Was she a Covert Female Narcissist?

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#1 Nov 13 - 1AM
Jim21's picture

Was she a Covert Female Narcissist?

My story of my 1.5-year relationship with what I believe was a Female Covert Narcissist.

I know this is long but I am seeking some answers as well as wanting to help other men who may have gone or are going through a similar experience. I must say that I am not perfect and I made my share of mistakes in this relationship. The thing is I realize my shortcomings and acknowledge them.

I met her through mutual friends at a fair. She was a single mom of two and I thought she was quite nice. She wasn’t super sexy, but I thought she was pretty for her age (both in our 40’s) and she had a beautiful smile. I felt really bad for her because her ex-husband had cheated on her with another woman. She was a secretary but was also a part time Marriage and Family Therapist. We had a great time at the fair and went to have drinks afterward, but the night ended and I did not see her again for about a year. The same friends had asked if I wanted to go to a dance with them and her, so I agreed. Heck I had a nice time meeting her the first time why not. We went to the dance and had another great time. I thought she was very accommodating, charming, and fun to be with. I asked her on a date and took her to dinner just the two of us a week later. I was having a great time on the date, but I ended the night with only kissing her on the cheek because I wasn’t sure I was ready to be with a woman with two children. Fast forward one year later. The same friends wanted to know If I would go with her to the same fair again as we had two years prior. I agreed, but it didn’t pan out. I ended up calling her and asking her out on a date. I had been with several women in my life and felt that she was a good woman that wanted a man in her life and I was ready for a woman who wanted something serious. We dated for several weeks and things were great. I felt she was everything I was looking for in a woman. She was thoughtful, kind, caring, and affectionate, and cooked for me. She called all time, texted me nice things all the time, and I was falling for her. We ended up in a relationship and I was really happy I finally found someone (or so I thought). I took her to my family Thanks giving dinner. I really enjoyed that my family liked her and I was really happy. When we returned home while still in the car I told he that I thought I loved her. She looked at me and with a delay (which I thought was weird) said I love you too. One day we were shopping in a toy store before Christmas. She ran into a female acquaintance, but never introduced me. I felt odd I mean we had already claimed boyfriend/girlfriend status. I brushed it aside and continued on. Another day I noticed she needed new tires for her car. I knew she didn’t have the money to pay for all 4 so I purchased them for her. I can remember that she never said thank you. This bothered me a little, but we continued to enjoy the day. One day she calls and tells me that she thinks she was pregnant because she missed her period. I had already told her I had a Vasectomy and there was nothing to worry about. I went to the Urologist and he told me I was clear of semen. I told her this and a few days later she said her time of the month had come. At the time I still thought she was a wonderful woman and would have done the right thing if I had some super sperm somehow. On Christmas Eve I thought I would help her put a train set together so her children would see it in the morning. I picked up a section of track that was stuck together but would come apart. She told me that it didn’t come apart and to not touch it! I put the track down kissed her goodnight and told her I was leaving. After the first few months it progressively got worse. I took her and the kids to dinner one evening. While waiting for our meals we decided to play a dice game at the table. I was having fun by bending the rules and cheating a bit and it was making the kids laugh and she got really angry and we ended up getting into an argument over the rules of the game. When we returned to her apartment her dog needed to go for a walk, so I told her I would do because she needed to tend to the kids. I walked back to the courtyard and there was a male neighbor with the same type of dog. I let her dog go to play with the other dog and she introduced me to the man as “Hey Jim this is Joe” not this is my boyfriend Joe. I can say that really bothered me. So much that I must have shown it because her little girl looked at me and said, “don’t worry their just friends.” How intuitive huh? I felt like I was just her friend the dog walker.
One evening I had a talk with her about some things that were bothering me. I told her that I wasn’t the kind of guy who would put up with being talked to in a derogatory tone like on Christmas Eve and that I wanted to be introduced as her boyfriend especially in front of other men. She asked me what derogatory tone and I rephrased her statement to me and she stated to me “I never said that.” I told her she did and she made a joke out of it. She also made a joke that her ex-husband never need a title so she wasn’t used to doing that. I told her I was different and that I expected that. I can remember feeling to myself “am I acting insecure?” during this conversation. Never the less we continued in our relationship. In the beginning she would text a lot and then all of a sudden it declined almost over night. Also when I sent a text you can tell when she read it, but no longer. I wondered what the heck is happening? Did I do something wrong? I was a very confident and secure man and never felt like this before. I pushed on in this relationship and then she told me she missed her period again. I re-assured her but again went to the doctor, and again I was shooting blanks, then she had her period. I told her I was not going to go to the doctor again and that there was absolutely no way I could get her pregnant. Soon after she told me she was going to use a birth control device for added protection. Hell I didn’t care that meant I could have sex with her anytime (more on that later). Things were going good up until she had to move from her apartment and back to her mother’s house because she couldn’t afford the rent any longer. I paid over a grand with that move as well as breaking my back. My father even helped and you know she never said thank you. It seemed like it was all expected from me. (Gosh what a dumb ass). That was a very hard move and I thought she would really love me for doing it.
Then came a major summer holiday. I was very disappointed that she spent the time at a party with friends she knew from her marriage. Her ex-husband attended with his girlfriend as well. She had invited me to go telling me that this was a tradition. Her son was in a parade in the morning and the friends had a party at their house nearby. I would have done anything else than go to the party. I told her that was an unreasonable request and that I didn’t want to spend the holiday with her ex-husband and a bunch of drunks at a party. I also told her I didn’t like big crowds that gathered in the downtown area to watch fireworks in the evening. Well she went anyway and I went to my folk’s house for a barbeque. I had held out hope that she would see that she should have been with me and leave to be with me but it didn’t happen. She stayed and I was pissed off. The next day I was at the point of breaking up with her, I called her selfish and a few other things, but I fell in love with her children too and it kept me from leaving. We met later that week and she never apologized for hurting me. She said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” So in reply I said I didn’t mean to hurt you either with the things I said to her. Again we continued in the relationship. I had to have a tumor removed from my forehead and she never called to see if the operation went okay. I ended up calling her and telling her it went okay. She really seemed to lack any empathy when I was sick or hurt. There were good times and bad along the way. She always seemed to give some real love to me at times. We planned on getting married and she seemed to put the pressure on. I wanted to buy another house so her kids could have their own rooms and a backyard to play in. She asked me is it going to be your house or our house? I told her that I would be buying the house but it would be ours to live in. I took her to look at rings. I showed her a ring but didn’t tell her the price ($10,000). She looked at the ring and said she needed “a little more to it” like diamonds on the side and told me she was a jewelry snob. I was like you are looking at an expensive ring and she wasn’t satisfied. Sex was good; I had some problems with maintaining an erection at times while lying on my back. I know she wanted to be on top but she was a little heavy (never told her that) which may have been part of the problem because I never had that happen with other girls. She tried giving me oral sex once, but it didn’t feel good and I told her that I liked it a certain way, and that oral sex never really did anything for me anyway. I never got another ‘one” again. Never the less I had no problem in other positions and was able to please her giving her an orgasm every time. So I found satisfaction in that I was able to please her without fail and thought that she would respect me for that. (Wrong).
I couldn’t understand why this woman was not appreciating the things I did for her. Such as fixing her car, taking her on small getaways, dinners, loving her children and paying for everything (yes everything). She had a male friend and I was not too happy this guy was always hanging around. At one time he wanted to be with her and she even told me she considered it but didn’t love him. She said that he was “just a friend” and I believed her for the most part because the guy is so fucking ugly that I thought he couldn’t get laid in woodshop. She said that he was her shoulder to cry on after her divorce and they had been friends ever since. In fact he helped with moving her from her apartment and even my father saw some strange connection between them. My father told me that if you break up with her this guy is going to step in. I know this is all over the place but that’s how the relationship was. We were talking about her daughter dating one time. Jokingly I said Boy I don’t want her dating till she’s 21. She looked at me and said “you’re not going to have a say over that.” I got mad at that and told her so. We went trick or treating with her daughter and I am very protective of children because of my line of work. I asked her daughter to stay close to us because it was getting dark and I didn’t want her to get hit by a car and I could watch her better. Her daughter said okay and knew that I really cared. After that my ex said “wow I bet you would be really protective if you had your own daughter.” I replied no more than I am with your kids. She replied “ yeah but if they were yours I couldn’t override you!” This really floored me. I would have liked to hear I love that you really love my children are so protective of them. But of course I didn’t hear that. I was angry at that comment. I told her that she should read Dr. Laura’s Nook on the Proper care and Feeding of Husbands because it would make her a better girlfriend. I told her I was mad at what she said and she told me “I didn’t say that.” Of course that made her angry. So many things did not add up in our relationship. She moved into a friends’ house (rent free) for a year. I thought awesome a chance for her to save money. Nope! She didn’t save a dime. I asked how in debt are you? Her response was “If you want to marry me I’ll tell you.” I told her that’s not how it works I need to know ahead of time. She was evasive and never told me the amount. I started to worry about what I was getting myself into. I had to have a tumor removed from my forehead while we were together and she never called to see if the operation went okay (no empathy at all). I called her and told her that all was well. She told me that she wasn’t the type of person who bought gift cards for birthdays or holidays, but I got a gift card for my birthday. On her birthday during that move I made a scrapbook of our time together with tickets to movies and pictures and everything I enjoyed with her and the kids. In addition I bought her a bunch of her favorite bath and beauty items, took her and her mother and the kids to dinner, and then took her to dinner alone to an expensive steakhouse. I was really disappointed in her with the thought on my birthday but I never said anything. She told me one time that she hadn’t seen her male friend in four months. I asked why and she said that she told him I was jealous and he didn’t want to come around. At first I said well poor him who cares, but later I felt I could not trust her again and that permeated with in me. What was she telling this guy about us? I thought oh the guy is an ugly fuck why not let her hang out with him. I mean if we going to get married I can’t have her resenting me. I relented and told her that I wanted her to resume her friendship the guy. She was so happy and asked if I wouldn’t be angry if she went to dinner with him at times and I told her no. I was working on Christmas Eve during a graveyard shift. I work in a dangerous profession and around 2 AM I texted her. “Merry Christmas, I love you, I can’t wait to kiss your beautiful lips today.” I never expected her to reply then because I knew she was sleeping, but at 9:30 Am when I hadn’t received anything I thought something must be wrong. I was working overtime and called her. It went to voicemail then ten minutes later she called. I asked if she got my text? She said that she got to sleep in and was now wrapping gifts. I was so pissed off! I argued with her about it. I mean how long could it take to answer a simple text? She told me that she wasn’t gong to respond at 2 Am and she was sorry I felt that way. She told me that you want to argue with me on my favorite holiday. I was like what the fuck! No apology at all? Anyway we went to my folk’s house later that night and I had bought her some great gifts. I didn’t argue about it at all again. I initially had to work on New Years Eve. We were having dinner and she said I may go to my friend’s house on that night and then well probably go to a bar and watch a band. I took the bait and asked her, I thought you weren’t a bar person? I have to work and put my life on the line and now I have to worry about you too!? She argued back you should trust me no matter what! I was like this is the girl who said she was going to spend the night at her mother’s house and now she was going to a bar with friends? I told her I did trust her but on that night I don’t trust other men to keep their hands to them selves. I ended up being able to switch the day and I took her to a very expensive dinner that night. We hung out New Years Day and she complained that it was cold and that she didn’t wan to hold my hand because of it. She had complained that my hands were always cold as of late. Well that day we were together I caught her look at me and give me a smirk. I can’t explain it but when I saw that smirk it said “ you don’t have much longer buddy!” I know it sounds crazy but I could feel it. We were not intimate for a week or so afterward. On a night that I could have spent the night she told me she was tired and that she wanted to go to bed. She said she had to meet her ex-husband for lunch the next day. The next week she was sick and did not want to get together. We spent our last night at the mall and it was a good day but I could feel something wasn’t right. That didn’t stop me from buying her a par of high heel shoes I thought looked great on her. We went back to my place ordered some pizza and opened a bottle of wine. I thought okay every things alright until she feigned sickness again and we were not intimate. The next morning she was pawing at me and wanted to make love. Shit I jumped at it and had a good time. We were making plans for the day and she said she had to do some errands then she wanted to go to the swap meet. I told her I would like to go to the swap meet and she told me that she would do her errands then pick me up a little later. I said that would be great and asked her maybe we can make love again a little later? She replied “I don’t think so.” Well that led to out last argument where she said some horrible things and I just told her I couldn’t take it anymore and that we needed time apart. I helped her pack her stuff including the shoes I bought her and she said she agreed and left. She never made one effort to make contact with me and I thought she would have called to apologize for some of the things she said to me that day. Three weeks later she went to the mutual friends and told them that she really loved me and missed me and that the kids missed me but because I broke with her I needed to call her. I went three months with no contact, during that time I sent a letter to the kids telling them I loved them and that I was sorry things didn’t work out the way we planned. Later I tried to set a date to meet up but it didn’t work out, sent her an email that was answered but after replying went unanswered. I joined Facebook 10 months after our break up and she sent me a friend request. This reach out confused me since we hadn’t talked in six months, and she never made effort to talk to me. I asked her sister what her intentions were. Her sister told me that she was only interested in friendship and that the Facebook request really did not mean anything and that she wasn’t interested romantically. I unfriended her and called her. I got her voicemail and told her that I could not just be a friend like that and that I still had feelings for her and cared about her and the kids. I told her that she could call but if there wasn’t anything left in her to have a good life. I never got a reply.

That’s the last time I will ever reach out again. I was a good man to her and her kids. I did the best that I could. I kept giving to that relationship and felt that I wasn’t getting anything back. I felt I wasn’t appreciated and I was being taken for granted. It was the culmination of thing that caused me break-up with her, even though I was still in love.

I have so many unanswered questions about my relationship and I’m hoping somebody could help me make sense of things. I will answer anything to fill in some holes. There was so much more but just couldn’t write it all.

Like I said I’m not perfect and made my mistakes but I feel there was more going on with this woman. I put a lot of effort into this relationship and very disappointed it didn't work out the way I was hoping. Maybe it was for the best.

Apr 17 - 2PM
Domo's picture

For the best

Dec 14 - 11PM
SGM76's picture

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