Was the N obsessed with anyone?

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#1 Feb 9 - 11AM
Belle de jour
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Was the N obsessed with anyone?

The exN used to depend on one person during our relationship, at least this is what I saw. That person was his closest friend according to the Narc, he was 19 and the Narc 28 when they met. The N would help him with his studying, go everywhere with him, confide his deepest secrets and so on. Back then I had this feeling that something was off with their friendship. If the N didn’t date me then, I would say he had, you know, another kind of interest in this boy. But as far as I knew this was not the case. Anyway, the relationship was really strange and I’m not saying that just because of the age difference, although I was wondering why a 28 intelligent and extrovert man (and he is all these) would depend so much on a 19 year old. But…
The N’s friend was an only child, had come from another country and a little insecure when he met him. The N once told me that he had with him the kind of relationship he didn’t have with his younger brother and that he was his mentor. When this friend made it to university, things changed. He met other people, had girlfriends, went out a lot, which made the N furious at times. 80% of our talks had to do with his friend’s disrespect of their friendship, that he was totally absorbed by girls and made lots of sex without any emotion (like he himself had any emotions…). He was seriously obsessed and now that I think about it jealous of him. The N even preferred spending a serious amount of his free time with his friend (holidays, etc.) than with me. I came to a point I was extremely jealous of his friend and he told me that I was being very selfish, I was not the only important person in his life and that he had lots of other people to take care of as well. Once he had a big fight with his friend and he told me that things were much better when his friend admired him (he actually said that crying). And now I remember him telling me that no one ‘saw’ friendship as he did. For him it was something sacred. When he was much younger he had a close male friend who disappeared one day without a word and hasn’t seen him since that day...
Everyone says that Ns don’t love anybody. How was he then so depended on this guy? I know, this isn’t exactly love…But did your N show any strong inclination toward a certain person? And how would you explain it?

Feb 12 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Yes, they are obsessed with

Yes, they are obsessed with themselves.. This 19 was a targaret like anyone else.. Hes young and easy to control.. Also a great supply source.. Hunter
Feb 12 - 12PM
IncognitoBurrito
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N

N fixated on things, mostly, to pass the time. He only became really obsessed with women once they were his exs. Then they were put on a pedestal. Or, in my case, if the woman was already spoken for, and unobtainable. Then, the obsession became emotionally severing me from my marriage, just to know that it was possible for him to do so. Once he won that, the obsession was over. Because by then, years later, he "felt bad" and "didn't want to interfere." Then why the fuck did he try so hard? B.S., through and through.
Feb 11 - 2PM
Journey
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I agree with Sparrow. This

I agree with Sparrow. This young friend was perfect supply... that is until he started making other friends, having girlfriends and such. Supply is not just about sex or sexual relationships. I doubt there was any of those feelings toward his friend in your narc, he just wanted the puppy to remain dependent on him, that's all.

Journey on...

Feb 11 - 9AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yea,

Himself
Feb 13 - 3PM
nlvr7
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You betcha

My mom asked me what weird hold his guy friend had over him then asked me if t N was bi!
Feb 10 - 9PM
ichooselife
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yes, it was really annoying.

He was obsessed with his former sponser (in the AA program) who was a woman. She died of cancer shortly after we had met, and I had to hear about her several times. He would mention from time to time, that in the years he knew her, he never saw her angry even once. I don't know if that was aimed at me or not. It irritated me though. I said one day "Of course she never got angry at you! She was only your sponser, not your girlfriend! She did'nt need or expect anything from you!" He didnt get it. What a perfect set-up for a N, right? Especially mine. He dearly LOVED to talk about himself. LOL! And a sponser--well thats like a counselor. no need to "give" to that relationship. She gave him constant strokes that I had the pleasure of hearing about over and over... The other was his dad, who had deserted him when he was a kid. He was 52 but acted like it just happened yesterday. No room in his heart for me....just his stupid father who didnt care about him.
Feb 10 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
ichooselife
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Im reading over my post and

I think I sounded mean there. But if you knew him, you'de know how sweet and tolerant I was to him for a long time and how much BS I put up with before I started getting angry. A passive-aggresive, cold, unaffectionate, sarcastic, judgemental, argumentative, invalidating, stubborn, manipulative, 100% selfish sour Narc who had room for all the wrong priorities and non of the right ones! I hope him and his porno, and cocain have a great life together. Really, I do! I know I have to forgive him though, for my own sake. I just wanted to rant first.
Feb 11 - 4AM (Reply to #13)
Belle de jour
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You didn't sound mean, I

You didn't sound mean, I completely understand...Mine used to talk for hours about a teacher he had, who commited suicide. They had a very strong relationship. Of course, like you said, the N didn't have to give anything from himself to keep that going. He would always refer to his death and how this wonderful man was gone and I kept wondering how he cοuld be so sensitive about this matter and not about our relationship in the same way. Now that I think about it, he appeared "giving" to people who would never ask for something back and to his eyes, were harmless.
Feb 11 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
ichooselife
ichooselife's picture

I kept wondering how he could be so sentsitive about this

matter and not about our relationship in the same way." Thankyou, I'm not alone. This is exactly what I used to think all the time.
Feb 9 - 2PM
clover16
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Apart from being obsessed

Apart from being obsessed with himself, definitely his mother. In his "I'm so sick of women and their drama" phases he always said he just wanted to be home with his mom. Poor baby N!
Feb 9 - 12PM
needing2know
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Only his children, they are

Only his children, they are his main source! His biggest fear is them leaving(they are all teenagers now) when they move out he will be lost! Unless he keeps his business going then he will have all the supply he needs!(Tattooing) He gets LOTS of praise there!
Feb 9 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

This is exactly how xnh is

This is exactly how xnh is with his children (particularly his oldest, grossly favored daughter). He's completely obsessed with her, and has been for as long as I've known him. I've actually had people act surprised when they found out I was his wife, and my name is NOT his oldest daughter's name. Xnh talks about her so much that these people had assumed he was talking about his wife instead of his child. He fawns over this oldest daughter like she's his lover, and is always touching her hair and putting his arms around her. It's revolting to watch. There is definitely emotional incest happening between xhn and his kids. You made a comment about your narc being lost when his kids move out. Xnh is extremely afraid of this, too. He's actively worked at crippling them so they remain dependent on him (both financially and emotionally). Xnh's oldest daughter is now 22 years old, has gotten fired from every single job she's ever worked at, and she's still living at xnh's house now with her baby. His youngest daughter was in college (last I heard). She's now 19 years old. She had initially planned on getting an apartment with her friends, but xnh convinced her to stay living with him. Then he sold her car to buy one for himself (supposedly he "shares" his car with her, but in reality he's the one that owns it). Now, she's dependent on him for her transportation as well as everything else. He's managed to convince both of his kids that they cannot survive without HIM. Xnh is terrified of his kids moving out and getting their own lives, which he can't control. In addition, I know that xnh absolutely cannot tolerate being alone. It's like a phobia with him. When we were married xnh would sometimes get a day off from work that I didn't have off. He would (literally) call me at least 7-8 times during my work shift, and when I got home I'd find that he'd spent the rest of the day hanging on the phone with his mommy. They talk on the phone for hours and hours. Xnh couldn't stand being alone with himself for more than a few minutes. I LIKE being alone sometimes, so this behavior in xnh drove me absolutely nuts. Seriously, I couldn't go pee without xnh following me into the bathroom, if we were the only two people in the house. So yes, xnh obsesses over specific people (namely his oldest daughter and his mommy). I think it's because he can't stand to be alone with himself, and no supply for more than ten seconds. He's absolutely pathetic when he doesn't have constant attention.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Feb 11 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

This is

This is probably more pertinent to the All About Her section. The way you describe how your exN worked at crippling his children to be emotionally and financially dependent upon him, is exactly the dynamic that my mother had with my sisters and I. It was a special kind of Hell. So, I can sympathize with the daughter. That's not going to be an easy road. Spooky, hearing of it happen to someone else.
Feb 9 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
needing2know
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mystwoman

When his two older daughters turned 18 they were gone!! He had 3 younger ones from his sec marriage they are teens now too and they cannot wait to get out! He favors his youngest son who is 10 and is turning him into his "mini me" When they are gone and he doesn't have his shop anymore that's when his world will fall apart, he gives all his kids the ST when the get defiant and they have to cave and apologize , he will not make the first move, he did that shit with me, I always ran back and always said sorry, he never came back to me.Everyone keeps telling me he will get his it's just a matter of time , he had NO friends that he hangs out with, the week his kids are with mom , he pores himself into his shop! will stay there all day and half the night, goes home drugs himself with his pain killers and go to sleep.
Feb 9 - 12PM
Femmegem
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narcs need insecure friends

My exN had a few: One insecure male friend who really looked up to him. I used to joke about this man being his 'bit on the side' but exN enjoyed that term and referred.to.him as that afterwards. Another male with whom he constantly engaged in 'gay' banter. All his friendships were one on one and couply. Not natural and not normal.
Feb 9 - 12PM
Sparrow
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The 19 year old boy was

The 19 year old boy was PERFECT supply for your narc. He, I am sure, mirrored his every move. It was the greatest form of adoration he could receive and of course, having to let go of him, accept that he was moving on in life with other people, made him insecure and infuriated. From what I am reading, I doubt it was a sexual relationship. I believe the N was living vicariously through him. He depended on this kid deeply for supply.
Feb 9 - 11AM
shock and awe.some (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

N "friends"

My XN BF used to go on & on about how he took such good care of his "friend" with ALS. She was in a wheelchair and he would take her all over the place. He said her husband was such a jerk and N was so kind to her. I noticed also that he thrived around his family members who were not as wealthy or well connected as him. If someone was dependent on him for money, housing etc. he was just so proud of himself. So compassionate....so loving and giving.....so egotistical!
Feb 9 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Belle de jour
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I see...the N had also a

I see...the N had also a friend who suffered from chronic depression. They didn't see each other a lot, but she would always confide her problems in him. He used to say that people who go through this kind of problems are the most wonderful people in the world. The fact that she trusted him made him feel superior and above all special. I guess she was no threat to him as she was in a constant state of emotional pain...
Feb 9 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
oceangirl
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Mine had a friend, too, that

Mine had a friend, too, that he said he would always take care of. Always cheated on me with her, too. I would always ask him why didn't he marry her for crying out loud?! She also loved him and was one of the main reasons for the failure of our marriage aside from the Narc part, if that is possible. Too many layers to think about sometimes, but, he is still friends with her, but lives with the chick he left me for. Ugh. Layers upon layers of bs!! All damaging and glad to be rid of it!