Was Any of it Real?
Was Any of it Real?
Did I imagine the connection and what tender moments there were? I mean I get the whole being lonely WITH them thing. I truly was. I felt like I never really 'had' him. I felt like the relationship never grew, never developed, even after years. It's like how could I have been in something so stunted, yet be so constantly emotionally involved in it, every second...constantly aware of what's going on with us. Yet never get anywhere.
I get that. But, for all of the hard time I'm having now.. For all of the things I see that I have to train my brain not to remember him by...just gloss over it in my mind, and fool myself that I don't care, and that I don't feel like crying...it's hard. I live in this space between learning about pds, trying to live normally (not so deeply, or obsessing, etc), and most of all, trying to feel like myself, in between these two things. But today, I just missed him. I usually don't when reading here, and I'm sure the more I start reading again, the less I will. It just feels like I'm really FEELING when I miss him, and I miss that. Maybe it's all an illusion, but was any of it real? I mean, the song albums he made for me with songs that I can't even be in the same room as when they're playing cuz it gets me from zero to emotional mess in two seconds. All the time we spent together, all the plans he made, he was a part of my everyday life, and I was a part of his, with family and such.
How can he not miss me? Was he lying the whole entire time? The affection and endearing parts, and treating me like I'm precious in some few moments that I remember? How can it all be a lie? Him doing things for me that I didn't ask for, special things, I really thought he cared, and that that's where it was coming from. That's part of why I loved him so much. Cuz we connected in every way I didn't even know I could hope for, and I thought he really cared.
It usually helps to hear it was all a lie (and I get into the screw him mindset)...yet seeing what an emotional mess I am, and trying to comprehend that none of it was real, makes me feel even more alone and messed up than I already do. How did something that was not even real, destroy me. Gosh, it's so painful. And I know I'm not really making sense. I get this isn't a linear process, but really, I feel like I'm all over the place. I was doing good with trying not to 'feel', until earlier today. Basically, learning about pds, I read about how it's 'fake,' an act... yet how can I be mourning something fake, so deeply.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
physical empathy
also
it's horrible that anyone can
You don't sound crazy at
Hi Faith, I feel your
Journey on...
Faith
Thank you, Journey. This
MY feelings were real
Yes, there's no validation.
They don't know how they feel!
I also felt his feelings
I love reading post from newbies,
Faith
"after all we were only
Faith
This does make sense, thank
Faith
Well.. At least it was real
Agreed....it is important to
right there with you, kid
CD?!
"Where is he NOW? If he would
I think we share a similar
well I wish I was never
Your situation is just like
Anquilla
what enrages me most is that
Dear Freaked
freaked, I hear everything