Warning, an ill wind this way blows. . .

Sometimes I hear some news and it makes me think about situations I have tried to lay to rest in my mind. I wonder what I should do with what I know.

Sometimes I would like to pass along information to newbies on this site, but I don't because I can tell the pain is too raw and too new, and that you probably wouldn't be ready to hear it yet. The ones who have done the work and who have been thru the fire, and who have survived already know.

I know that if you read the material on this site, and follow the steps, and get some help, you can get better. Learning to deal with the uncertainty, and the truth, and the many things that will trigger you is all part of the process. There are several members on this site I have followed in my time here, and I believe they stay for many of the same reasons I do -- it's not that we haven't moved forward or gotten better, it is that we want to pay it forward by helping someone else.

With that understanding I want to share something I learned today. It was a bit of trigger for me, but it didn't really hurt me the way it would have several years ago. It was like the ghost of an old pain.

I learned today that somewhere in the Boston area, a woman is getting ready to be hurt by my old N. I learned she is a perfect target -- she is sucessful, and has some money put back for retirement. She has just sold her condo, and has some money for that. This fall she will become old enough to take early retirement, and she plans on doing that. Then she will move away from her family, her children, her grandchildren and move to a new state -- to become Bride # 8 (or9? or10?) to my exN.

She has been married three times herself. She has been physically abused. She met him online, and she has no idea of the truth of what he is, because he has told her he was very bad in the past but he is now a "changed man." She thinks that because he has told her a few of his big mistakes, he has matured since then, and he has learned from his past. She wants to believe that fairy tale. She wants a new start in a new place, and she doesn't mind spending her money on a new future with him.

Obviously she is still in the idealization stage. He will probably keep her there until she has actually physcally quit her job and moved to live with him, and he has spent a good deal of her money. He will probably try to get her to buy a house, and he will end up owning half of it. She will then be financially obligated and isolated, and his devaluation can begin. She is making all these life changes based on meeting him online, meeting him for a vacation, having him visit her for a few days, and carrying on a long distance relationship. She has known him for less than 6 months. I am sure she has no idea he is also on other online sites, and has several of these relationships going on, as well as dating some local women "casually" as a "friend with benefits."

This woman is believing she is very lucky and special now. She believes that she survived the awful past she has, and since she has never been happy, now she is due for some happiness. She has no idea what to expect with this new man -- because he has been practicing being a N for many years, and he is very good at it. She has been working and supportng herself and her children her entire adult life, and she has not taken the time to do the work necessary to protect herself and learn from her past mistakes, and so she will repeat the cycle of abuse, again.

Believe me when I tell you NO ONE is strong enough to do this by themselves. The work is hard. The reward for doing the work is PRICELESS.

The hardest battle you will have is overcoming your own resistance to the truth. You want to be forgiving. You want to give another chance, and another, and another. You want to believe that you just drew a bad hand, and now that you have survived that, you are ready to play cards and gamble again -- that a new cardplayer won't cheat you like the last one did. But without the hard work and without learning the hard lessons, without you changing you -- it will be the same ole card game, new night.

The N will never change, he cannot change, he uses the promise of change as a way to bluff his way into your heart. Stop believing the BS, learn to protect yourself, don't play his game. The odds are against you ever winning when you play with a N.

This woman has no clue -- she is ignoring all the red flags. If you told her the truth to her face and presented her with a stack of evidence, she would think you were deranged. She won't know what hit her -- but when she finally starts to figure it out she will be older, broke, and far away from family and friends. She won't have her job to distract her. She is going to pay a steep price for being lonely.

We all know. We can see. We have sworn we will not ignore the red flags anymore. We no longer drink the Kool-Aid.

I cannot do anything to help this woman. All I can hope for her sake is that when she gets the big D&D that someone will help her find this site.

When I finally figured out what a N is and that he would never change, I finally got it. I knew there would be another woman, and another, and another. Knowing that with certainty is why I will not play the Is He or Isn't He Game or the What If Game with newbies. If you have landed on this forum, you probably already know the answer to your own questions in your heart. You may just not be ready to accept the truth just yet. Please do the work. Please believe there are excellent reasons for the advice you find consistently on this forum.

Put on your coat my friends, an ill wind this way blows. Somewhere near Boston, someone is going to get hurt. Somewhere near Anytown, Anywhere -- someone is going to get hurt. All you can do is prepare yourself, maybe knowing it is coming and putting on your coat will save you from the ill wind.