victimnomore story

Hi Everyone,

I am finally ready to tell my story although I am very embarassed about it. My family who i am very close with does not even know the whole truth. I am 47 and have been married to my NH for 23 years. I am going to try to shorten the story as much as possible. We met in 1986 and abuse started three months after the relationship. I was just coming out of a relationship with my high school sweetheart who was also abusive and I had twins by him at the age of 18. I went back to shool, graduated, landed a good job in a big city and made lots of money. I had my own apartment, a car, a savings account and went back to school while working full time and raising 2 children. then I met my NH. I should have left when the abuse started but in the beginning he was my hero, prince charming, my soul mate, everything I needed in a man to make my life complete. (so i thought!!!!). He emotionally and pyhsically and verbally abused me for a year and then bang He got arrested for an armed robbery where a murder took place. He was sent to prison for 12 years and hold on to your seats! He manipulated me for 12 years from prison. Believe it he is that good or I was that weak or stupid. When he was paroled he promised the sun and the moon to me and to never hit me or abuse me again but it started right upon his release. By this time I am suffering from panick attacks, anxiety, ptsd (I survived 2 major tragedies where I worked that affected the world). I was no longer able to work due to the tragedies and he started cheating constantly. we would go on big vacations every year and he would buy me expensive thing to cover up his treatment of me. Everyone though he was the perfect husband even after serving 12 years (WTF!). He has chocked me, kicked me, punched me and threatened me with a gun. I covered all of this up from my family and children. I have a son and daughter that is 29 and he and I have a son who is 14. In 2005 I put him out because I found out he was cheating and within 4 months he bought a house with the OW and I filed for divorce. Three months after that He had left the OW , sold the house and was back home with me WTF was I doing? I was totally lost with no self esteem and afraid of everything. My life was a disaster. I just wanted to die and I had given him all of my power. I was drained spiritually and emotionally and I couldn't hold on much longer so I prayed for something anything that would help me. One day i July I woke up and that morning I decided that I would rather die than live like this one more day. I knew what my NH was capable of and I had been researching Narcissism since the first break up because he manipulated me like I was a puppet. So I called the police and asked them to remove him from the home. they came and asked him to leave. he did but not without giving me a look like he was gonna make me pay for this. He hovered for a month then one day he asked our son for the key to get some of his things but instead he moved all of his stuff back in. I was floored and devastated but I had no more fight left in me so i just gave up. Then out of nowhere two weeks later I came home from the store and he moved back out and took all of his stuff. i was on a floored. My head was spinning I was confused as hell but at the same time I just sprang into action. I changed all of the locks in the house (even the mailbox lock). I packed whatever was remaining of his and put it in the shed in the backyard. I blocked all of his numbers from my house and cell phone. I blocked all of his email addresses from my computer. I blocked his ability to text me. And I am on going on my 6th week of NC. He is trying everything to make me respond to him. He keeps coming by my house and ringing my bell. Banging on my doors and windows. Telling anyone who would listen that i have his laptop. (thats a lie I have a brand new Mac I purchased in august and he was mad about that). I have spent thousands of dollars on this marriage but i don't care all I care about now is my safety and a piece of mind and I am never going back! I know it took me a looooong time to get out but I am out and I know that i am lucky to be alive and i am gonna make a new life for me and my son no matter how difficult it will be. I am grateful for this site bec it has helped me remain NC and to keep moving forward! Thanks to everyone who has shared their story and gave me hope.