Victim of a Victim of a Narc

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difftimes
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Victim of a Victim of a Narc

This may be a little unusual in that I am a male and related to another member of this board. This is my first, and probably last post.

I am kgirl's husband.

I first started viewing this forum about 48 hours ago as a means to discover my wife's relationship to her narc. I feel terrible for violating her privacy. I had so hoped that I would only find encouraging messages of support for her as she tries to heal from the destructive relationship she had with N. I did find those encouraging messages - she had shared with me her concern that N was truly a narc and that all of the wildly fluctuating emotions she had for N were common to the victims. I agreed - no doubt that she was a narc. Of course, I also found out about the true nature of their relationship and am now going thru an intense period of grieving.

My point of posting is simply to thank all of you who have been so supportive of KG as she tries to recover from this horrible, pathetic relationship. I really had no idea how much she has suffered at the hands of this woman. I know N and have had social encounters with her on a number of occasions. I have seen how she acts with KG in social situations, but never fully understood how that has impacted KG's life. KG is a wonderful woman, full of compassion and she has been my best friend for over 18 years. She never deserved the abuse that she suffered at the hands of this woman. With all of the secrets now out in the open, the two of us can heal. As much as I have suffered over the last couple of days, my wife has endured years of psychological brainwashing by someone she first thought of as a friend. I feel for all of you who have endured this abuse, as well. No one deserves the shit that these people have thrown upon you.

Not only did I read KG's posts, but all of the supportive, loving responses that you sent back to her. I don't know how she could have recovered from this tragedy without your help.

KG and I will now start down the path to recovery. I'm not really sure where that will lead us, but I am very hopeful that we will make things better. As many of you have described, love endures and I feel optimistic about our future.

I pray that all of you will find a better place, as well. You deserve so much more.

John

PS - I intend to ask N to dance at the wedding next week - does that violate NC?

cstandsforcunt
cstandsforcunt's picture
Both KG and John are wonderful people
Yeah! Oh, BTW, you would TOTALLY freak narcette out if you danced with her at the wedding. ahahahahahahahah!
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture
Dear John
Wow, I am speechless right now. Thank you so much for writing and sharing your feelings and experience with us, John. KG is am amazing woman and we love her very much. You are obviously an amazing man and I personally believe you are an inspiration and a light to all of us here that good men DO exist. I just received a message from someone wanting to join the site that they feel we tend to be too hard on men here. I believe this is one reason John is here....to remind us that good men are out there. They are not all narcs! Obviously, in this example, the narc was a female. Women can be just as malicious as men. Narcissism is NOT a gender issue. It is not bias. Sure, there are more male narcissists then female, but that is only because men have more opportunities to be be in a position of power. Narcissism is the abuse of power in any type of relationship. John, I'm so happy KG and you have each other and I am so happy you are working things out. I wish you all the best and thanks again for sharing!
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
I commend and hold the higest respect for you...
Equally I empathize with your pain. Kgirl came to our forum as I am sure you've been able to see in shambles. She felt shame, but more than that, incredible guilt. The nature of her relationship of course also created a huge burden as it left her wondering who or what she identifies with - that is no secret or surprise. Kgirl will have a journey ahead of her in terms of figuring things out. I personally have been cautious and have been very adamant about her attaching any kind of label as this paticular type of relationship with a narcissist can make ANYONE do anything that they normally would not consider. KG was very much a target, very much brainwashed and gaslighted at a time when she was feeling very vulnerable. Certainly, this is something she still needs to clarify for herself, but because we were/are dealing with NPD...there are stories on here that have made my hair straight and I have some of my own to tell that normally would be so far out of character for me - and I don't know how these weasels get into our brains but they do...their power to captivate, mesmerize, control, dominate and in such a stealth fashion...it's like MIND CONTROL - you lose all sense of self. I commend you for being the honest, open, compassionate, and loving man that you are with your wife right now under what equally must be pain that reaches the depths of your soul. Nonetheless, from everything that Kgirl has shared with us, and with me in pvt. conversations, she has always held you in the highest regard and has been so distraught, really really wrecked because of all of it. The secret was making her sick. I wish there were some way I could draw a picture or somehow create for you some kind of proof, validation or testament to how much I can see from what she's shared how deep her love for you is too despite what has transpired. It is my hope that both of you can find the help you need to come to terms with this tradgedy. You too were a victim of Narcette by default... Whatever you and Kgirl decide is best, it is my greatest hope and desire that you will both continue to love eachother as witnessing your experiences, and how you've handled it, also brought up such deep emotion it was so moving to see that yes, love here on this plane does exist, I just have not been fortunate enough to find someone that was capable of loving to those depths. I am sending warm hugs to both of you and I am rooting for both of you and praying that whatever is in your highest good comes to fruition. I am sure you and Kgirl will have to discuss how you will handle your 'collective' membership to the forum; however, it does seem as if you qualify as a victim, so without hesitation... WELCOME... Hugs!
Susan32
Susan32's picture
KG is very blessed...
To have a husband like you! NPD wreaks devastation, not just on women, but on men... and there are female Narcs too. You're a good, honest man and have shown moral strength. May God bring you&your wife the healing&peace you desire in your life.
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture
Dear John
God has a special place for you in this world. And that is of an Angel. Im in tears right after reading your post. Only because I know that beautiful men like you exist, are real, and make life all the better to live in. I pray for you and KG. Being Narced is by far the worst experience to endure. Its filled with brainwashing, misconceptions, isolation, and hopelessness. It starts with earning ones trust. And as normal people, we trust and accept new friends, but only to understand after the aftermath - there was reason behind it. A selfish reason at that. My thoughts are with you. Guide and help eachother through this mind-boggling ordeal. I promise you that nothing in life goes unnoticed or unappreciated. You are both lucky to have each other. God Bless.
wacaet
wacaet's picture
Thank you for posting, John,
Thank you for posting, John, and for being one of the "good guys".
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture
John
You are a wonderful man and should be an inspiration to all men. I have been with a narcissist, a husband who cheated and left me, a psychopath who demeaned me and left me saying "I was never your boyfriend! I never would be," and a *something* who left me without even telling me he was going. Just stopped answering my calls and emails. What I'm saying is I've seen the worst of men. It's refreshing to see the best. :) My thoughts and prayers are with you and KG. You're on a new road now, and I truly believe it's a better one for both of you. I love that you're going to unmask N. You go! :):):) {hugs to you and KG}
Hunter
Hunter's picture
John, May God Bless both of
John, May God Bless both of you. I have had may PM with KG. She is a wonderful woman, she is a woman who has morals and loves her family & you. These people have a way to manipulate our brains, they are walking hurricanes who destroy many lives and souls. Things happen for a reason, the love you two share is real and it will prevail. Hunter
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture
difftimes
John you are an amazing man for being so supportive of KG during this nightmare she has been living through. I can't imagine how it feels for you. Narcs destroy so many lives and hurt so many people and it is such a blessing to see that you and KG aren't going to let her take what you have from you and you are going to work this out. Good luck and we are here to support YOU too. You've been Narc'ed just like KG. Your post made me cry. We don't hear many stories on this board about men like you. Your post will give many of us hope that once we recover we can find someone supportive and loving. You're a great example of what we should be looking for in a man instead of obsessing over stupid Narcs. I think asking the Narc to dance at the wedding is a GREAT idea! I just wish we could all be there to see her face when you rip off her mask!! Priceless! Please let us know how that goes! Good luck to you and KG. I hope she's doing OK. Please tell her sara-smile sends her hugs! Good luck John! Sara
dudette
dudette's picture
difftimes
Dear John First of all, welcome and hugs to you. This whole thing really sucks as my own husband would tell you, I cannot beging to fathom the pain and anguish that you must be going through right now, but having seen it first hand, I get the idea... It is unconceivable that many women who are deeply loyal,committed, loving and caring get sucked into these kind of truly sordid situations. probably because we are all of the above and unfortunately our gifts of compassion get used against us. KG has been suffering much lately and kudos to her that at all times, she has made constant reference to how much she loves you and what a good man you are. In essence, it is not your fault as much as it is not hers.... the world of narcs/psychos is something that again we could not comprehend unless we have been victimes of it ourselves. The mental anguish and suffering they cause is indeed very great.... You will have read that the truth came out for me very early on and in fact, was out all along. I would say that my first line of defence against my own cowardly narc has been my husband and of course, N was not expecting that.... I think a quiet word in N's hear at the wedding will be a sensible a justified break of NC, in fact, I am trying to picture the look on her face and have a quiet smile just thinking about it. Please tell us how it went!!! With much love to both of you in this difficult phase of your life Dx