Vicious Cycle constantly revolving mentally…How do I make it stop?

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#1 Sep 6 - 3PM
Liberated2Aspire
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Vicious Cycle constantly revolving mentally…How do I make it stop?

Today, like many days he baits me, I couldn’t concentrate on me, my purpose, my goal! I’ve enrolled back into school to earn my degree FINALLY. As I’m sitting in class I’m concentrating on the one-sided argument that was projected onto me. I’m angry at myself b/c I'm struggling to pay attention! I paid for these classes! I’m trying to get ahead! I’m trying to look out for my future! I’m doing what’s best for my kids and I.

ALL I’m thinking about is his words “IT’S YOUR FAULT WE DON’T HAVE MONEY! IT’S YOUR FAULT B/C YOU’RE ALWAYS SPENDING, IT’S YOUR FAULT B/C YOU ALWAYS FIND WAYS TO TAKE EVERY DOLLAR OF MY PAYCHECK! I’M SO ANGRY AT YOU…HELL WHAT ARE YOU GOOD FOR SINCE YOU WON’T GET A JOB? (I worked he didn’t at beginning of our relationship) I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU I NEED HELP! And on and on and on! All lies! He’s financially irresponsible and blows off his paychecks.

Future XNH depleted our accounts and savings and stopped working for 6 months because he was trying to force me into work to avoid alimony since he had a plan to leave me. My strong intuition told me not to go to work b/c it’s not about work. Mind you I’m clearly in the dark about his OW and their future plans. I didn’t go to work b/c I haven’t worked in 16 years. Raising five kids is a full time job especially when I’m dong it by myself since he is always overseas. I felt the best way for me to be able to compete in this competitive job search was to earn my degree first in order that I may be self-efficient for my family. Twice I tried to go back to school and twice he hindered me. His PROMISES IN THE PAST WERE… If I allow him to become stable first he in return will allow my opportunity to take root. He was making 6 figures and besides a household of five kids is work! I agreed b/c work it WAS since he was never home. Currently, he’s now in school and has earned an AA degree as he has neglected his responsibilities and family. OH, did I mentioned he wanted me to do his school work too? What the HELL you're good for? (i'm and object 2 b used...I'm getting it now ;-))

Well he returned to work b/c he couldn’t hold out any longer and I didn’t get a job. He is LIVID! I’m not acting out his plan. Done that, I’m burned and finished!

Now a normal person would know that the first paychecks go towards catching up on ALL and every bills that are behind (mortgage, car notes, insurance, utilities, TAXES and etc). We still need to eat, cloth the kids and since school just started they have needs geared towards school necessities.

EVERY paycheck period he is cussing, acting belligerent and etc blaming me for us not having any money. It’s my FAULT for not getting a job. Again, I remind you that all was fine and he didn’t mind when he didn’t have a hidden agenda.

While he is screaming out his tantrums I’m thinking… 1) you told me to stay home with kids 2)No one told you to quit your job and forfeit 15,000 bonus check three weeks prior to earning it 3) You were arrogant to your boss with that OW whispering in your ear 4) you could have looked for a job in our town and shouldn’t have turned down jobs b/c you didn’t like the 6 figures they offered… YOU ARROGANT FOOL! 5) YOU the FOOL to blow off $2700 on the other OW AND TATOOS with your SECOND PAYCHECK…that’s right You don’t know I know these facts) 6) This was supposed to be TEMPORARY and the #1 that stands out the most 'IT’S MY TIME TO GET ME BACK WHOLE AND MAKE MY OWN MONEY YOU CRAB!' I was never suppose to be in this position! I’ve SACRIFICED AND SACRIFICED AND SACRIFICED. I use to make more money than you, I had excellent credit and now look at it….Your life with me caused your lifestyle to improve and my lifestyle has flat lined. I have family and friends telling me I don’t look good and I lost that SPARKLE in my eye, I was a fine looking Lady and I’ve put some pounds on (stress), and where is my outgoing personality?

So this vicious BLAME game/PROJECTION is consuming me! I want it to stop and I just don’t know how to stop replaying it in my head. When I’m focusing on it I get sad, irritated and just GREIVED.

I know this is long and I could have gotten straight to the point however this is an every two week argument that hurts me so bad b/c they are lies. And he tries to shove this down my throat. He wants me to submit over the phone “it’s my fault “ and I won’t. I’m done apologizing for peace sake.

I do keep low NC until it’s time for his paychecks. Attorney has advised me to not get a job until divorce is finalized.

All the finances I invested into this marriage and him before we switch financial positions, all the sacrifice I made and being faithful and totally committed in all our 20 years I feel I do have the right to get my degree before going back to work! School full-time and children, running household is full-time!!! Hell, he’s not around to help and it’s best this way!!!

Please can anyone tell me their strategies or what do I replace my thoughts with for dealing with projection?

Who ever said STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME! …they LIED! It hurts! It’s excruciating pain revolving in the mind constantly!

Sep 7 - 8AM
TruthbeginsToday
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When I read your post..I had

Sep 7 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
Liberated2Aspire
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On time word!!!!

Liberated2Aspire

Sep 7 - 6AM
Deidre99
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You'll never win a word war,

Sep 7 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
Liberated2Aspire
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What the H*ll? still wanting us to be broken...

Liberated2Aspire

Sep 7 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Deidre99
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I'm glad you see this, and

Sep 6 - 8PM
kollontai77
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I reckon

Sep 7 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
Liberated2Aspire
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Kollontai

Liberated2Aspire

Sep 6 - 3PM
Im_always_fine
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I don't even know what to

Sep 7 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Liberated2Aspire
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Thank you I'm_always_fine...

Liberated2Aspire