very nervous feeling

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#1 Jun 10 - 5AM
justwantpeace
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very nervous feeling

Son started boxing. I did what I was required per the papers and emailed him the information. Now ex is wanting to come to all his practices. Ex now lives with new wife 45 minutes away. Not far enough in my book. Son doesnt want him there. He told him last night he (ex) needed to spend time with his wife. Ex replies you come first dont you get it. Son is telling me all this and I am shaking my head. Son tells him what about your wife, shouldnt she come first. This is all via text. He tells son no one comes before you.
I just told son be very careful around new wife. I said if she finds out he feels that way she could become resentful towards you. I said and it would be ugly if she got ugly with you. He said ok and promised to let me know if anything happens.

I am communicating with ex via email. After the arguments I received about doing that, he is replying. I sent one about doing volunteer work for son's youth group. Ex wants to volunteer. Thankfully its on a day opposite me. So now when he makes excuses about anything, my reply is I am doing what I am required and notifying you per the papers. It is your choice whether you participate for son. The niceness is killing me.

To me this is alot quieter than he has been in the past. It is little trival things. BUT by him doing this stuff it bugs me.

So I cant figure out if this is to look good for the laywers and judge? If this is about control? If this is a self hoover because he isnt getting the attention from new wife that he needs?

Jun 10 - 5AM
justwantpeace
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nagging me

It feels like he is trying to also still have his cake and eat it to. He seems to want to be around more and play dad more than he ever has. it is just really nagging me.
Jun 10 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
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justwantpeace

it is nagging you because it is so wrong and fake and you can't make him stop. He DOES want to have his cake & eat it too. Narcs do not understand boundaries. IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT CONTROL Keep that RO up - he contacts outside the limits of the R.O. - CALL THE POLICE. Carry copies of that RO with you at all times too. Talk to the lawyer immediately about Dad forcing himself on son at practices. Son's wishes come first. Dad is using emotional blackmail and it's B.S. You can't change him - you can only change you and minimize contact with son. Pathologicals bother us because we naturally yearn for justice. There are ways of making your own justice and forcing him to keep his distance and living YOUR life. ~~~~~~~~~ Effective Coaching Specifically for Victims of Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 10 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
justwantpeace
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thanks barbara

He isnt doing anything outside the R.O. He is being oh so nice. He brought son home from one of the practices. I had left because son didnt want either of us there. I had been outside mowing and was sitting on a step. He caught a glimpse of me and wouldnt pull into the driveway. He did put on a show that I felt was for me. I heard him tell son take the garbage can to the house and hurry so you can help your mom mow. Really playing dad. I know this stuff sounds small and trivial but it really annoys me. What are some ways to work on letting it go? I try to keep busy. I am starting to exercise again. I am journaling. I am trying to remember it is what it is. It feels like he is reminding me that he is still there in small ways. Son is still the only way he can get to me. I so want to forward the text to son about him being more important than anyone and ex putting son before anybody including new wife. then i remind myself it could cause problems for son and I can not do that. maybe this is where I need to do all my venting. Make this the only place I talk about ex and do not allow myself to talk about him to anyone other than therapist. This way I work on keeping him off my mind and away from me.
Jun 10 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
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justwantpeace

it takes time but you will learn to ignore and even laugh at him it's a performance - an act. He wants to ANNOY YOU. They get off on hurting people so don't let him. when exNH does this sort of now I look at him like an annoying mosquito - and you're right - you should only discuss him with therapist. DISCUSSING HIM WITH OTHERS IS ENLARGING HIM and KEEPING HIS BS ALIVE IN YOUR HEAD... you are letting him take up free rent in your head. DO NOT discuss him with anyone else but a counselor or lawyer - ever! To everyone but your therapist he's dead - he doesn't exist. ~~~~~~~~~ Effective Coaching Specifically for Victims of Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller