Using my free time to get real about myself, rather than obsessing about him

Thank you so much for the support!!! I am going through Lisa's book and working on the steps I skipped, hoping that it will help me get to the next step, the part where I focus on me instead of him. I think key to that is helping myself feel some sort of closure...maybe getting a chance to articulate the things I so want to hear from him, but never will. So, I just completed the exercise where we are to write a letter to ourselves from our N. I don't want to clog up the message board, so I am going to post it here in the comments. Thanks for giving me the space and support I need to continue on The Path Forward. Dear Wannaletgo22, I am sorry I hurt you. You are a good person, and you did not deserve to be used. I am sorry I lied and misled you. I pretended to be a good guy longing for love, friendship and searching for “the one.” I never told you I was in a relationship already and that I am incapable of loving anyone. I let you believe that I cared for you and that we shared a special connection. But I was lying the whole time. It was all a scheme designed to hook you so that I could use you for an ego stroke, an occasional f*** and to traumatize and humiliate my girlfriend. I sold you on a future, on a relationship that I could never deliver, that I had no intentions of delivering on- I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you. I knew you were innocent and didn’t have a lot of experience. I knew you had a big heart and wanted to believe the best in everyone, even people like me who do not have good intentions. I knew you cared for me, tried to help me and only wanted to love me. But instead of being your protector, I took advantage of your naivety and loving nature to use you and hide my true intentions. I hurt you and caused you pain- I’m sorry. I am sorry I abused your trust. I shared things with you about trauma in my past only so you would do the same. You confided in me- told me about your fears, how you’d been hurt in the past, and your deep insecurities about your body. I used that information to manipulate and control you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was too selfish to ever really see you- you as a person outside of myself and my needs. The truth is I never really wanted to know the real you, because if I ever saw you as a whole and complete person, it would be that much harder for me to use you. I set you up and put you in a situation that played on your insecurities and brought out the worst parts of you. I stripped you down to your ugliest parts- weak, needy, emotional, insecure and jealous- a girl that was a far cry from the strong, sophisticated and independent woman I first met. I did that to make it easier for myself- I didn’t care about how it destroyed you, how it wreaked havoc on so many parts of your life. All I cared about was me, I’m sorry. I am sorry I let you take responsibility for more than your share. When you were catching on to me, I refused to come clean. Instead, I turned it around on you, made you feel confused, crazy, and guilty for thinking poorly of me. I froze you out with the silent treatment. Then,I let you grovel, beg and apologize for accusing me of terrible things- even though you were right all along. The dishonesty- the mind games and manipulations and everything I did to make you doubt yourself was so cruel- I’m sorry. I am sorry I never appreciated you. You were kind, sweet and loving toward me- even after everything I put you through. You wanted nothing but to be a friend to me. You wanted me to be happy- even if it wasn’t with you. You cared for me in a way that went beyond your interest in me- outside of yourself and your needs. I don’t understand that, it’s foreign to me. But I know I am probably a fool for taking that for granted- for disrespecting, degrading and humiliating someone who loved me. I have been given many gifts and instead of recognizing how lucky I am, I stick my middle finger up to the world and reject all that I am offered. I regret that this included you, I’m sorry. Wannletgo220- you have so much to offer someone, and I have no doubt you will find a great guy who will love you the way that you deserve to be loved. I wish you the best and am sorry again for the hurt and pain I have caused you. I will leave you in peace and respect that you do not wish to be in contact with me- because that is what you deserve. Mr. N