unprocessed thoughts? I can't get the OW out of my head.

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#1 Mar 4 - 7AM

dazed and seeki...

unprocessed thoughts? I can't get the OW out of my head.

I feel like I've been getting better - albeit slowly. But one thing has REALLY been bothering me in the last 3 days. So I really need advice and some sort of explanation so that I can process this and move on. I feel fixated on this and it's eating me up inside.

I keep on imagining her with him and doing the sexual things with him that I found out they did. And I feel surges of *intense* jealousy. Why her??? I don't understand. And the only thing that seems to answer it for me is that she is kind of cute (but very young), and she is super super skinny. And I mean REALLY skinny. Like her legs are like that stick skinny that we see on models.

He had a thing for skinny legs. And it really affected me.

I know that this is hitting a really sore spot for me. I've dealt with eating disorders before, and it half stemmed from the desire to be really skinny and also the desire to have control over myself. (Long story). But bottom line is this: I need to get past these images and thoughts. And rages of jealousy. And this sick sick feeling of my eating disorders coming back to haunt me because I now feel like I want to get even skinnier - and I am very small to begin with. I lost a ton of weight going through this relationship and after finding out he cheated. Even people at school commented on it.

I know what is eating at me: that he was always into skinny girls. And the fact that he cheated on me with an even skinnier girl is making me hate myself. It feels like I wasn't enough. Like I wasn't skinny enough (to give you guys an idea, I am 95 lbs, 5'3")

Ladies, cognitively, I understand that I am being ridiculous. 1. I am skinny. Probably unhealthily so. 2. He's a cheat. I shouldn't be worried about what he thinks of me and why he chose her at this point. 3. She didn't mean anything to him, just as I didn't mean anything to him. 4. I can't prove to him anything. Losing more weight isn't going to fix anything.

So after knowing all of this, HOW to I get over this jealousy? I am constantly comparing myself to her (I don't look at pictures but images are ingrained in my head from when I did a couple of months ago. I stopped looking at pictures and asked my friends to take over my FB bc images were giving me nightmares.) I see pictures in magazines and think about her and then I look at myself. I can't help but think he cheated on me with her bc she was better (meaning she was skinnier). I mean, I know I have everything else gong on for me that she doesn't - namely career and education. She is a poor girl from the country she is living in. And I should in fact not being hating on this OW, but rather feeling bad for her. But I feel intense anger towards her.

It feels like this is one unprocessed thought that has arisen and I've become fixated on it.

I REALLY REALLY want to get over this hump. This is a painful hump because it's eating at me and I know that I am taking it out on myself and my health. I just don't understand. Did he choose her for her legs? He loves skinny models. Did he choose her bc she looked emaciated?

Ugh. I am feeling pretty down today. I know that nightmares really affect the following day for me.

Please help me understand how to process these thoughts and how to get through cognitive dissonence (is this even that? I just want to know WHY)

How do I get over jealousy?

How do I fully process these thoughts so that I can think about them together and not feel these surges of insecurities and jealousy?

How do I stop obsessing and comparing myself? I don't think blocking thoughts and images is working for me. I want to reach a point where I just don't care and where it no longer affects me.

It has sat as a painful pit in my stomach for the past few days, and I finally decided to share to get some advice. I was hoping it would just go away. I was getting better - I really was. I stopped looking for his emails in my trash all week (they are forwarded to my trash). I stopped checking to see if he was online. But these thoughts are eating me alive.

Please help. :(

#2 Mar 7 - 12PM

Susan32

He replaced me with me???

It was bizarre when I met the ex-Psych prof's long-distance girlfriend. She might as well have been my long-lost twin. A nerdy brunette... like me. It was like I had run into myself, just a manlier version. The girlfriend had a crew cut, like him... and she dressed in a manly way- tank tops, pants suits, making me look girly. And I thought I was the tomboy! It's like the ex-P wanted a companion who resembled him. The ex-P and his girlfriend looked like fraternal twins rather than lovers;they didn't even flaunt their affection. They didn't even engage in chaste hand-holding;he didn't put his arm around her shoulders. Yeah... I would've been jealous, but it would've given me closure. The ex-P would call me a slut if I wore a dress, but would approve if I wore a t-shirt&jeans. As one of my friends put it BEFORE the D&D,"He's attracted to you because you look like a boy." Well, he found someone MORE boyish than me. I was more baffled than jealous. Then again, his favorite philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, said that effeminate men are attracted to masculine women. So I guess there's a World as Will&Representation dating site?

#3 Mar 7 - 10AM

dazed and seeki...

thanks everybody for all of

thanks everybody for all of your comments to this. i've been mulling it over my head for the past few days. i can't get over it. i read lisa's post on writing and cognitive dissonance. and the thing is, i think this is it. i read ally's post on comparing ourselves with the OW. it's like i KNOW all of this - and yet it still bothers me. I know it's because there are probably deep-rooted issues there (ie my past eating disorders) - but i feel such intense anger towards her. and i've been avoiding it bc its so painful for me to think about her and imagine them together (and they aren't), but i still ask WHY HER??! i spoke to my therapist - and she was helpful in saying that the OW was emotionally needy and he preyed on her. so it wasn't alllll looks. my therapist reason some chats bt him and the OW that i forwarded to her so that was her assessment. it helped bc it provided an alternative explanation to my question. but also bc it made me feel like ok, the OW has issues to. yes, it's vindictive to wish "issues" upon the OW - but i'm just being honest. i wish it weren't like that. ive never felt like this towards other women. i am very much a girl's girl. to know that she is prob emotionally needy - well all it did was explain all of the other women he knew. i always wondered why he knew such a disproportional large number of women with eating disorders. well one, he likes them skinny. two, he prob likes them insecure. which is so sickening when i think about it. so i am still trying ot process this. by avoiding it bc it was so painful, it showed up in my nightmares and ate at me. i still haven't figured it out. i am so sorry to hear that others here have struggled with an eating disorder. it's quite a painful thing to go through. i feel that intense anxiety about my weight coming back. i feel that obsession with my body coming back. i feel that hatred towards my body coming back. i hate this feeling. i absolutely hate it. it eats at me and i fight it every minute of the day. i hate that i allowed him to do this to me. i hate that she continued to pursue him after knowing i was in the picture. i hate that she looks anorexic. i hate that she looks 12 years old. i hate all of this. i want to process it. i am writing in my journal to process it, and yet i cannot seem to get it out of my mind in order to get past this. i don't know what to do. i want to reach a point where i am indifferent - where if they actually got together and got married and lived happily ever after, i wouldn't care. i want to reach that point. hatred and anger is so destructive, and i hate this feeling. :( i continue to read bc it continues to provide some sense of logic to this madness. but i just wanted to thank everybody for their responses and for sharing their experiences. you all have provided so much more than i ever could imagine.

#4 Mar 7 - 11AM (Reply to #16)

ally2375

Listen, hun

The things we say to ourselves have an impact on us. Good or bad, the things we tell ourselves about who and what we are affect our self-esteem, our level of happiness, and our wellness. Right now, you are telling yourself all sorts of bad things. :( That little voice inside your head that says all that nasty stuff about not being good enough? She's causing you harm. :( Would you keep a friend in your life that talked to you like that? I hope you're talking to your therapist about this. This isn't really about the OW at all; it's about you. If you felt secure about yourself, it wouldn't matter what this woman was like. You wouldn't feel the need to compare yourself. Of COURSE she's not perfect. Of COURSE it wasn't all about looks. This isn't the point. Your insecurities are haunting you, my dear. You say you don't know what to do at this point. I can relate to that - I'll bet most of us can. The first thing I would do is start changing that internal dialog. You need to start telling yourself GOOD things (my brother calls it "Stewart Smalley-ing yourself" You know, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggon it, people like me!) It makes a difference, I'm telling you. Remind yourself of all your great qualities and why your ex is an IDIOT for not falling on his knees and thanking his lucky stars that you ever looked his way at all. You can heal from this, but it starts with you.

#5 Mar 4 - 1PM

ally2375

Dazed

I can completely relate to the obsession about this. It's so hard not to wonder why the N would choose another woman over us. At least, I sure obsessed about this. I wondered if he thought she was prettier, smarter, more nurturing, more fun, more...who knows? Scoop nailed it. Did he know that you were a bit insecure about "not being skinny enough"? If he did (even if he sensed it) you can bet he used it against you. That's what they do. If you're blonde, he tells you he prefers brunettes. If you're short, he tells you he prefers the willowy type. If you're thin, he prefers someone more curvaceous. It is a deliberate attack on your self-esteem. I think it's natural, when we feel rejected, to cite whatever we're insecure about as the cause of the rejection. This is the case less often than we think. The jealousy will subside faster if you stop feeding it. Stop comparing yourself to ANYONE. Tell yourself that you are beautiful as you are right this second. You do not need to be thinner, taller, have longer hair, bigger breasts, whatever. You are uniquely you and THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. Keep saying it to yourself until you believe it, because it is the truth.

#6 Mar 4 - 12PM

strongerthanever

Well, I know how this feels.

Well, I know how this feels. What I have to keep telling myself is she is totally clueless on what she just signed-up for. One day, maybe not this year or next, but one day, she will have that thought as I did, "He's got to go!" The OW is no better than me. My exN childbride was vulnerable and naive. He pounced on a newly divorced woman, with two little girls, barely making ends meet. He could not pay his rent so, why not shack up with someone where he can "help her" and also help himself without her really catching on. These two little girls have a REAL daddy so, perfect for him. With my son, there is no dad so, less stress and pressure off of him. He knows when he walks out or if it doesn't work out, the girls have a father. No sweat off his back. How unfortunate for those little girls? She didn't take the time to KNOW him, really know him like I do. She had him move in after 3 months of dating and married him 3 months later.

#7 Mar 4 - 11AM

Scoop

the narc has a six sence in

the narc has a six sence in finding out week points and fears so he can work his poison . I bet you £100 that he is telling his new ow that he likes women with curves and not skinny women ..As imposible as that may sound now in a few months of reading and learning and NC that will become clear . Sweetie you need to eat , fight the erge to compair youre self to the OW .All the crap you went through she will face the same EVERYONE here will tell you the same and its not just wishful thinking its the truth , there is not one account of the ow being treated properly by the narc in the long run .. NOT ONE . And quite frankly if a man leaves a woman because her legs arnt the right shape ... well ... god god what dose that say about the shallow little freak , what if you had an accident and lost youre legs would he leave you ?.. a narc would ..aint that the truth ! Are you in therapy ? is there counseling at school ? In theses early days of coming out of a narc relationship a girl needs all the help she can get . Let me tell you what happens when a normal man loves you , i can tell you that the way you look has very little to do with real love , a man loves the essence of you , the feeling of you the company of you and when a man really loves he will move mountains to be with you and look after you . Legs ? nah ! We have all been where you have with the OW , you have to fight thos fixsation with reason and logic , the way to do this and keep youre sanity is to hit the books about the subject , read , read and read some more , whist we still have their voise in our head learning about narcs is the best way to kick that pathetic voise out . And in time he will become pathetic , it comes to us all with NC . .. you wont get a cure over night but slowly it will become clear . The other thing you can do right now is start a jornal where you list the things he said and done to you , i found this was an on going process because of my PTSD i couldnt remeber it all in one go . I cant stress how important this will be in the coming months . Stay close to the board and we will get you through theses difficult times , thinking of you this evening . Big Love Scoop x

#8 Mar 4 - 8AM

truetotruth

Dazed

I went through hell with my ex. I am 5'1 and weighed 95 pounds. Everytime I looked in the mirrior all I felt was disgust. He wanted me super thin but being super thin caused me to lose my 34 D cup size... so then he was always suggesting implants. Nothing was ever enough. Along with the PTSD I had to realize that I now have an eating disorder I need to manage everyday. Being 110 now feels like a death sentence but I have to remind myself that it is a healthy 110 and that I have healthy eating and the gym to thank. I cannot believe that I altered myself to the point where I no longer know what normal feels like. It is a process. Im taking it one day at a time. Its one of the hardest parts that has come of this encounter. I realized that no matter what I did..my weight ,my looks, dress, hair style, ideas.....I was never going to measure up. Once I let him go I realized I had to let all of that BS go too. I am me and I am fine. I can workout for my health and to better my life but I dont need to die to obtain approval. He was never worth the effort. My heart goes out to you. hugs

#9 Mar 4 - 8AM

gettinbetter

It would be interesting to

It would be interesting to know how many women on this site have struggled with an eating disorder at some point in their life

#10 Mar 4 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

Used

soi

just what i was about to ask..as i did have an eating disorder, still have in away, its always there.

#11 Mar 4 - 8AM

michele115 (not verified)

Hmmmm...the Green Eyed Monster...

Well, under the circumstances, I think jealousy is a normal reaction...it's a human feeling that we are all "shamed" to believe is WRONG...EVIL...TABU... BUT what is jealousy and where does it stem from? It stems from insecurity. NOW...WE ALL have insecurities...YES...even you saying behind the screen: "No, not me"...yes, you too! It's a HUMAN feeling just like any other...we're complex! So...some of it YOU own because it was with you PRE NARC...and some of it has been enhanced and increased because...you've just been put through the emotional wringer degraded and discarded...and that is essentially REJECTION...and I don't know anyone who "thrives" on rejection... So...we know we feel this, we don't like feeling this but we don't beat ourselves up because we ARE HUMAN and it's natural... BUT...there are things we can do to put this in perspective... First...how much of our perception is REAL and how much is B.S.? The reality IS...there will always be someone...Smarter, Prettier, Richer, Funnier, Sexier, more domesticated, the list can go on and on and on...there will always be someone BETTER than us...just as there will be someone worse off than us... THE reality is WE all have unique gifts...what she may have in skinny legs, you may have in personality...Our creator didn't give us the complete package. If we had it all what would there be to work on?...LOL So...part of the journey is realizing what OUR special and unique gifts are...she was made to have skinny legs...for whatever purpose... What you have to realize is that part of his campaign of abuse had to do with making you feel insecure. If you had plump shapely legs...or ELEPHANT legs...whatever kind of legs you have...he intentionlally let you know that he gets off on the opposite. He liked skinny legs. I'd bet my behind in Macy's window rush hour the day before Christmas that right now in all her skinny leg glory he's telling her he absolutely ABHORS skinny legs! In the land of narcs...opposites are the rule...riddles, gibberish, and doublespeak all of it...and just when you think you have it...they change it up to keep it interesting and YOU off their tail... SO...that being the case...can you list five qualities that you feel you are superior over her in...ANY FIVE...I don't care if it is as simple as I don't have hair that grows out of my nose...FIVE qualities you feel good about you? THEN...I want FIVE things that you are thankful for... AND...I'm going to take it to another level too...something my mother...AND yea, I rant a lot about her but this was very wise and good advice...she said: Michele, never envy someone else. They may look like they have it all but you never never know what tradgedy is around the corner for them where you wouldn't want to be in their shoes...where you wouldn't envy them...feel good about you. AND she is right...from the outside things "appear" hunky dory...but you already know HER future...you will look back and be far removed and she will be where you're sitting right now and you know what... SHE will envy you...she will envy you BECAUSE...you got away...trust me...on that...AND we don't wish her harm because we know she's a victim too and she is a WOMAN like us...even the O.W. by default are members of this NARC abuse club...they just don't know it yet. We don't know if God forbid five years from now, she'll get Ovarian Cancer...and when your healed and you've moved on...as a woman...because we are empathetic...you will feel bad for her as a person that she's suffering with that...because you will have been healed and you can have empathy and compassion for other human beings in their suffering. What you are feeling is normal and understandable...but try to put things in perspective... Where's my list?

#12 Mar 7 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

dazed and seeki...

my list for michele - 5 things i am grateful for

michele, i don't know enough about her to list the five things. and i guess i don't want to think of myself as superior over her - i want to reach a point where i don't care if she is the most perfect women in the world. but 5 things i am grateful for are: 1. my family - they are kind, supportive, and healthy people 2. my friends - they are the same for the most part. they are strong women, who are successful and have stood by me. 3. my ability to survive/persevere. i've been through a lot. and i have maintained my friendships. i actively sought my therapist - i look am not afraid to seek help and to face myself and try to improve. 4. my passion - i love people and things that i do. i find great joy in learning and growing. i am rarely bored. 5. my capability. outside of matters of the heart, i am a fast learner, and believe that i could probably pull myself up and accomplish whatever i want to accomplish. i feel a little embarrassed about writing this list - it feels very much like tooting my own horn. but i know i always want other women to share things like this bc they should be proud of these things, not ashamed about it. so i should try to love myself and be proud. i have gone through a lot of self-loathing. and michele, i'm glad i did this list for you. here are my five. and it made me feel happier writing it actually! i don't know much about the OW. just how she looks and what she sounds like. i don't want to judge her. i feel angry at her for a lot of reasons, but i don't want to judge somebody i don't know. and i think everybody deserves to love themselves - even the OW. i feel burned by her and by him. i just want to get past feeling burned. and i don't know how. but i don't want to do it by putting anybody down in order to make myself feel better. bc that has never worked. and i know it will not get rid of the nightmares that haunt me almost every night. if people have any ideas on what to do about nightmares, i'd greatly appreciate it.

#13 Mar 4 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

titta22

michele115 ?

I agree with everything you've said but here is a question for you. How do you not feel anger towards the OW when she actively persued your husband? I mean as a women, do you continue to seek out a friendship wih a married man knowing that the wife knows nothing about that friendship. At that point do we really see them as victims or do we just say that what she gets in the end is what she deserves. Without wishing any bad upon them eventually people pay for what they've done to others in what ever form the universe chooses to collect. Do we really have to feel sympathy for them when after a certain point they will have no affect on you. I think after having gone through so much with the N's, you tend to be guarded and colder with your feelings. It's only natural. As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma.

#14 Mar 4 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

michele115 (not verified)

Titta 2nd thought and I will go further once you respond...

Without wishing any bad upon them eventually people pay for what they've done to others in what ever form the universe chooses to collect. Do we really have to feel sympathy for them when after a certain point they will have no affect on you. The goal is peace of mind and healing...keeping that goal uppermost and if we "Own" what you just stated above: If we believe the universe collects on debts of wrongdoing then what purpose does it serve us to harbor such feelings? The universe handles it...IF we believe that...it is natural and normal to have negative feelings when harmed...absolutely...but part of the healing/recovery process is purging the negativity. Holding on to the resentment thwarts us. We have to feel those things...but we have to also consciously work on getting out of that hole because any negative though even on a subconscious level THWARTS OUR progress...our healing...our peace...our recovery. It is not about sympathy...it is about RELEASE...

#15 Mar 4 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

michele115 (not verified)

Titta, before I answer that question...

I need more information... How do you know SHE actively pursued your husband? These men did not become NARCS and have all the manipulative characteristics of Narcs just because a "fresh" piece of hiney presented itself... SO...what is the story in this particular scenario?

#16 Mar 4 - 8AM

spinning

Dazed, dear heart,

I feel your pain and know all about how an eating disorder messes with your head and never leaves you. I know this firsthand. As for your thoughts of the OW, remember that the disordered one is only seeking supply and she will soon be another one of his victims. It's sad, really. You've been there, done that with the N and at least you won't be victimized again. I am no expert but I believe you may be internalizing his disordered behavior and somehow making it your fault. You may be second-guessing something that can never be answered. Nothing makes sense in their disordered world. Remember, you could be Heidi Klum or Tyra Banks and he'd still be a callous jerk. It has nothing to do with you or how you look. He is sick. He is mentally disordered and that will not change regardless of anyone's outward appearance, including his own. He can only wear the mask for so long. He'll always end up in the same place. You will get better and grow and be happy and healthy. dazed, I'm a little concerned about you. Maybe you should seek a counselor, as it wouldn't be good for your eating disorder to return right now. Please take care of yourself first and worry about whatever the sick one's doing and with whom later. It doesn't matter. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes when I'm having a hard time I revert to the present moment and take deep breaths in and out. There is even a meditation for it to keep you centered in the here and now and if you keep doing it the troubling thoughts lessen. Here it is: (take breath in) "Breathing in I calm myself." (let breath out) "Breathing out I smile." After several repeats, I actually do feel better. I hope this isn't too off the wall, but I want to try to offer anything I know to help. Hugs to you dearheart. Hang in there. You're doing very well. Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

#17 Mar 4 - 7AM

Used

dazed

my feeling is you are suffering from depression, when we get this, every horrible thought and image is magnified by a million. fat skinny, young old, they will go with anyone, some of the things you are saying,are things people say who have a distorted view of their own image, anyone with an eating disorder is always thinking things like this, it wasent you its him, no matter what weight you are he would still have cheated, dont think of beign anything but what you are, you are a good, but tortured person at the moment, things will pass, i know thats hard to believe at the moment , but they willxx

#18 Mar 4 - 7AM

whskywmn5

Hang On

We all have our moments where we are eaten alive with those feeling of jealousy, mostly because they have driven into our brain over and over how every other woman seems to find them so attractive and such a godsend.....LOL little does that other woman know what she is letting herself in for. Please dont beat yourself up over these thoughts and feelings, im glad you came here to share them with everyone here, sometimes I dont know all the right things to say to someone, im very new into this process myself, but I have come to understand there are many here that are very talented in expressing their points of views that help everyone that reads what they post. I believe its very good that you realize what is happening to you, and with knowing that hopefully you can better deal with everything that is going on in your life.....please dont revert back to your eating disorder.....NO MAN ESPICALLY A N is worth losing your life over, and we both know that is a big possibility when a eating disorder is involved. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and hopefully someone with a little more skill with having the right words will be online shortly to give you some much needed advice.

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