Unhappy in my marriage--Narcissist found me.

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#1 Aug 5 - 5PM

baddream

Unhappy in my marriage--Narcissist found me.

I would like to share my own experience and was wondering if this or something like this happened to anyone else.

When I met my N, I was very unhappily married.

We became friends for awhile, but after a few months things progressed and we were having a relationship. He knew I was married but as our relationship progressed I was thinking of leaving my marriage, thinking he wanted the same thing.

I didn't realize it at the time, but he was already involved with a woman and living with her. He always told me she was just his house mate. I sometimes suspected otherwise, but always wanted to believe (pretend) what he was telling me.

In the back of my mind I always told myself that if he was in a relationship with this woman I couldn't really push the issue because I was still married (with teen age kid).

I think he knew that I thought that way because as time went on he started to treat me worse and worse--taking advantage of my situation, while telling me at the same time that he would always love me, and loved me like no one else. But whenever I tried to advance our relationship and try to make plans with him while planning to separate from my husband he would start to do the devalue & discard and sometimes just vanish from my life for months, only to reappear several months later. This cycle has gone on for almost 8 years, 5 of which he has been with this other woman.

Has anyone else experienced the same thing--that the N was using your vulnerabilities and bad marriage as an excuse to treat you poorly? I always had this thought in my head--that if I was not married and in the situation I was in, I would never have allowed him to get away with what he did----lies and manipulation.

It got so bad that the lies didn't make sense anymore. I could no longer pretend. If he had wanted me it would have happened a long time ago.

We were all done when I told him I wouldn't play the pretend game anymore.

Are unhappily married women good targets for N's????

#2 Sep 10 - 9PM

christabel7 (not verified)

Unhappy in my marriage--Narcissist found me

Yes to both questions: YES I have been through something almost exactly like yours, YES unhappy women of any kind make good targets for Ns. Yes, so long as you play along, they are fine. They cannot stand it when you see through them. You find out, after wasting money, time, energy, and completely shattering your heart, that it was a sick game all along. I am still not over my situation, which was alot like yours. :(

#3 Aug 6 - 8PM

tina

Unhappy in my marriage...

I think we must have been walking around with our sad hearts on our sleeves...and they swooped in :(

#4 Aug 5 - 9PM

Barbara (not verified)

they are all from Planet N

Lisa and I talked about their ALIKENESS on the first free online radio show: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim/2009/05/21/All-About-Him- I think we should put them on a raft with a slow leak and push them into shark infested waters and watch them throw each other overboard... except sharks don't eat their own. http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/08/predictibility-of-pathology.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#5 Aug 5 - 6PM

cynthia (not verified)

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

perfect targets!!!!! because I am one. SAME thing, on yes and they always have girlfriends dont they that they arent really happy with, and we were the one they really loved right? iTS just what we needed wasnt it a little more abuse, another bad relationship. We meet our prince charming who is going to rescue us (BIG MISTAKE) They like the fact married women are unavailable so they dont have to commit, tell him you got divorced and watch him run (just my theory) or give it a few years and pretty soon you will find out how special his girlfriend is to him when he wants a three way, you him and the girlfriend. Oh yes and when I would point out to him why are you still with the girlfriend if you loved me so much you arent even married he would pull away. Do I ever think there was a girlfriend, oh I think he has LOTS and LOTS of girlfriends he uses as excuses for his new victims or pursuits. He may very well have a front girlfriend but if yours is a true narcissist or psycho you know he didnt love her anymore than he did us and she is also being used. I have been told once if you think you are the only one he is doing this to on the side, THINK AGAIN girlfriend or not, he has had a long line or married, unavailable women and I was particularly good because I lived 2 hours away, even better. i am so sorry this happened to you I know my fault was thinking someone could rescue me from a bad marriage, I should have rescued myself, but it took a psychopath to make me believe with his finely tuned act that it was possible and that I had truly found the right person, prior to that I always remained steadfast and loyal to my husband I was miserable but I remained devoted. Now what do I have, I am back to the abusive marriage which I should have tried fixing years ago or I should have left. you were lonely, you wanted so to feel loved again and your N saw that written all over you, they love that unhappy married women. Oh you will love this one, mine wanted to take trips the four of us, my husband and myself and he and his girlfriend then we could sneak away and be together on the vacation or play footsie under the dinner table. Mine always wanted to get me pregnant too, ya right that would be hard explaining to the husband. The truth of the matter, if I were single tomorrow he wouldnt want me and if the girlfriend left him tomorrow I still wouldnt replace her, those are things to think about. Mine is 54 and never married what does that tell you? no kids, mmmmm he will never marry but just use women for housemates so he looks normal

#6 Aug 5 - 7PM (Reply to #18)

baddream

Cynthia, this is wierd.

I am wondering if your boyfriend was MY boyfriend. Here are the uncanny similarities: 1. Mine was 54 too 2. At the time we lived 3 hours (car) away from each other, now it is a 6 hour flight. Long distance. 3. He used to like to come over and have dinner at the house with me and my husband, even suggested a double date just like you mentioned! Maybe that's how they collect information, to be used against us later. 4.I thought he was going to rescue me. 5. When I separated from my husband, that is when he got a new girlfriend and told me "he cooled off to me", only to reappear in my life 4 months later. 6. He saw my loneliness. He actually said to me one day, "you come off to others like you are lonely and needing".. (I think maybe only N's could spot this, I don't know--maybe I was giving off some kind of vibe that the N can hone into? very scary thought.) After what he did to me, I am very careful about men. I see in hindsight that I was very open and trusting and realize I need to fix my marriage problems, divorce, and find myself again before I can hope to be involved in a normal relationship. Actually, I am enjoying my own company right now and not answering to anyone about anything.

#7 Aug 5 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

cynthia (not verified)

you are scaring me

does his name begin with the letter G, and end with Y

#8 Aug 5 - 8PM (Reply to #20)

baddream

Starts with..

No, mine starts with B, ends with L But he has a BROTHER G..Y

#9 Aug 5 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

cynthia (not verified)

no luck

mine doesnt have a brother whew, but I was kind of hoping, boy the revenge we wouldnt have plotted good thing huh ha ha ha darn we could have really played some mind games on him. like I said before they are so ALIKE, all of them they should be put in a special place maybe a remote island or something and just kill each other off, get them away from society where humans roam, and the deer and the antilope play, ha ha Here is something to think about, we all thought we had met our prince when there is NOTHING unique about them they are all the same, the sickness must affect their behavior in the same manner, can you imagine walking in a room with 20 of them gathered now wouldnt that be interesting and observing their interactions, i would be out of that room so fast, like walking in a lions den

#10 Aug 5 - 8PM (Reply to #22)

baddream

N Party

Yes, we should send them all an anonymous invitation to a party for special people. We could hide a video camera somewhere and watch, then burn the place down. No, that wouldn't work. I think the only way to kill them would be a stake through the heart.

#11 Aug 5 - 5PM

neveragain

ABSOLUTELY!

I actually had to do a double-take on your post. It was like reading other posts on this board. From what I've read: It appears that MANY women who are in unhappy relationships have been the target of savvy Narcissists. The vulnerability and unhappiness associated with their current relationship makes them very good supply sources for Narcissists. Since they're craving attention and affection, the Narcissists are able to hone in on their prey and convince these women that they've just met the Holy Grail of Relationships in them. The N's build them up and suck them into the vortex only to Devalue and Discard them later. It's very, very typical. My own experience was a little different. I wasn't IN a relationship when I met my last N.....but I was in the dating world and finding it frustrating. I kept meeting men (some online and some in real life scenarios) who were basically a bunch of liars. I was pretty fed up and very sarcastic. My attitude gave the appearance that I was a very strong but cynical woman. He looked at that as a challenge. Perhaps it's the challenge of convincing us damaged women that THEY'RE the ONE for US that is part of their target practice. Now, after the three year relationship that left me shattered, I am NOT DATING AT ALL and dedicated to fully recover. If and when I DO date (like next year) I WILL NOT go online to find dates!!! neveragain

#12 Aug 5 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

finallydone

Absolutely

You betcha! My marriage was falling apart when he showed back up. We had been in touch with him on and off. But he came swooping in and told me it was me he always really liked. (He had been friends with both me and my ex-husband). I didn't realize it for a very long time... but the more I thought about it reading these posts... the more I realized how many times I thought... he's been in situations with married women before... I think he likes to conquer them. I actually thought that several times... I really did. Incredible the number of times one soul can feel stunned... all over again when reading the posts that others put out here.

#13 Aug 6 - 6PM (Reply to #12)

cynthia (not verified)

sure they like to conquer

sure they like to conquer them look at me I got someone elses wife, I must be great, what childish thinking wow big deal you can have sex and seduce a married woman, what an accomplishment guess they need to really boost themselves up in any way they can.

#14 Sep 11 - 4AM (Reply to #16)

Monica

Wow..this was mine....

Cynthia, you wrote "sure they like to conquer them look at me I got someone elses wife, I must be great, what childish thinking wow big deal you can have sex and seduce a married woman, what an accomplishment guess they need to really boost themselves up in any way they can." Mine is a cerebral and did nothing but boast and brag about his accomplishments, money, possessions, etc....most of which were total and utter lies. I look back and see that what you wrote here was probably true of my N..that "conquering" me was an accomplishment for him (unfortunately, this one was true and not a lie) and I was being used to boost his self-esteem and ego (not to mention the other "boosts" I gave him, the shame of which I am still struggling with every day). How did I ever fall for that crap??

#15 Aug 6 - 6PM (Reply to #13)

Barbara (not verified)

cynthia

also they can reconfirm that "all women are whores" because you are cheating on your husband for them. (never mind the fact they seduce & brainwash you into doing it) Since pathologicals are chameleons, they pretend to be whatever their woman are. They probably mimicked the womenâ€™s own moral principles. Additionally, women in pathological relationships seem to project their normal characteristics onto the pathological. She sees what she is, in him. Her ability to project and his ability to pretend, allow him the stage to mimic her moral principles in his life. Ironically, many of the womenâ€™s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through sexual deviance he asked her to participate in, or asking that she lie, steal, cheat, or in some other way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS they don't need a boost - they boost themselves every minute of every day. They just like to manipulate others to reinforce how LOWLY we all are compared to them. It's all a GAME to them... though they never tell us it's a game at all! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#16 Aug 6 - 7PM (Reply to #14)

cynthia (not verified)

how ironic

i was just thinking about that, he always turned everything around when it was HIM who was guilty of everything, now I am the whore because I did that, mmmm he did that many many times, he would say, but I am not the one married, they are soo good at that and they find it all amusing too they think its funny to do this to people, I bet you he thought it was funny that I thought he loved me, he would probaboly leave and say what a fool, she is sooo easy -

#17 Aug 6 - 9PM (Reply to #15)

Barbara (not verified)

cynthia

that's called "projection" and "blame shifting" - search my blog (see below) for article on this. Common practice of Narcs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#18 Aug 5 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

baddream

Similarities

I think the similarities in the stories just confirm that these people are pathologically ill. Like in any illness, the symptoms are fairly consistent. Sucking N supply from married women, and continuing to come back for more is clearly a red flag

#19 Aug 5 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

same here

Psycho-Boy swooped in me when my marriage to exNH was circling the bowl: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/22/barbaras-story Click on SHARE YOUR STORY and read the stories of others... PREDATORS HUNT THE WOUNDED If you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS you will see that Psychopaths & Narcissists BOTH EXPLOIT VULNERABILITIES in others. And it explains HOW they do it, profiling and HYPNOTIZING us and implanting mind-control in our brains which makes us obsess and depressed when they are gone. And exactly why ZERO CONTACT is vital to our healing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#20 Aug 6 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

cynthia (not verified)

deprogramming

profiling and HYPNOTIZING us and implanting mind-control in our brains which makes us obsess and depressed when they are gone. mine has discarded me, i said a few things that were the truth and no response from him at all, strange he doesnt say, never call me again he just doesnt answer anymore, and its for the best I know. I have heard they can leave their victims for weeks at a time then out of nowhere call as if nothing happened guess they are teaching us huh, not to question them, or dare express our feelings, you arent to ask questions or question them on their actions, So will someone kindly snap their fingers and get me out of this hypnotic mind control I have been in? He spent so long conditioning and training me that now that he is gone I feel LOST, mmmm stockholm and cult comes to mind for some reason, yes I am left obsessing but I am also left with facing for the first time the sick spell I was under and seeing the damage that was done to me - that now I cant function because I dont have his control in my life? My God I have to have someone that will punish me and make me feel unworthy now what am I to do? That is not a healthy mental frame of mind I am in and it scares me but whats the alternative crawl back and beg for God (being him) to give me forgiveness or face the damage that he did and deprogram so I am finally once and for all free. No matter the pain I know I must choose to work on undoing the damage so I guess I will take the high road. I want so much to WRITE him and tell him all the things I was never allowed to say to him, he would always cut me off or say, I am not going down that road again with you, call me when you are not so depressed, ya right. So he will read it, most likely laugh, I dont care if he laughs but will anything i write reach him? and I know he wont care, but maybe he will at least know I think he is a sick person and that perfect image he has of himself might be questioned. I guess its a waste of time to write them so many have tried but its my only closure It kills me that I just have to walk away and go thru months of recovery he will never know about or care about, and he will go on his merry way and just chalk me up as another who didnt comply to what he used me for, I am really struggling with that one - are they ever punished for their moral and ethical crimes to society?

#21 Aug 6 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

cupcake (not verified)

ps Cynthia

I don't think anything you will write will get through to him. He doesn't care about you, none of them do. He has a brain disoder - no empathy. He can't put himself in your place and see that you are hurting. And he doesn't care. He cares about what you supply for him and if you can't supply something that makes him feel good he will cut you off. When you are ready to be a slave and under his control again and say yes toe verything, have no life and no feelings of your own and be even more sick and hyptonised than before he will take you back. But you can't - WE can't!

#22 Aug 6 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

cupcake (not verified)

Cynthia

OMG Cynthia! Mine is exactly the same (they aren't the same guy are they??!!) he just doesn't respond. I would respect him more if he just said f**k off or never want to see you again but he won't say that. He just runs and hides. i read that when an N is exposed he will withdraw for a while (oh such brave mature people) and return when he feels he is in control again. I so know exactly how you feel I'm in the same position. He had me controlled also so well he would treat me like crap, have sex with me, not call for a week or 2 then when he came back I was so excited. I hate myself for it. To be honest I don't know if we are going to get closure? I want that too I just want to hear it from him but he won't takl he is hiding like a spoiled child now he is exposed. and i guess now they know we are onto them it isn't fun for them anymore. All these guys on the forum said you don't get closure with a N you have to close it and heal yourself. it's so hard I 'm really struggling. I thought every dya it would get easier but it doesn't. Are you seeing a therapist? That might help? Try not to write to him - the more you write the more he gets out of you and probably enjoys the attnetion. It's hard though all I want to do is be with mine all the time. But Barabara said no! :)

#23 Aug 6 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

baddream

Cynthia--you must believe he will be punished.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I am too. It hurts the most when I do not have a lot to do, but when I am busy I can put it in the recesses of my mind. Today was a quiet day and my thoughts kept wandering back to what he DID to me, and once again I started to obsess. If yours resurfaces after many weeks or months, do not allow him to come back into your life. You know you have been conditioned or "hypnotized"--you must do whatever you need to get deprogrammed. Please be strong and do not write to him. It will not help your situation. Believe that in the end he will suffer. One day in the future when he is older and burned all his bridges he will not have anyone to supply him, he will starve from his hunger, he will be lonely with no friends, he will have isolated himself from everyone he used to know and those who loved him once, he will be very confused because there will be no one left in the world to define him and without you he will just be an empty shell. Part of the walking dead.... There is no need to do anything Cynthia, this will all come to him because of what he is. Yes, justice. You will be free of him and this terrible chapter in your life will be history. Do not contact him. I keep telling myself the same thing.

#24 Aug 6 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

cynthia

it's not that easy. I had to do inpatient work, then intensive therapy and medication. Took me fully 4 years to feel really normal... most women take 18 months but find a therapist who GETS it! And use all the tools you can, like Sandra Brown, MA's hypnosis tapes to reprogram you - or her phone-therapists (these are the only people I know trained in this!) Maybe you should sue him for the cost of therapy with a civil suit under "Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress" or you could post him someplace like www.dontdatehimgirl.com or www.stoptheact.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#25 Aug 5 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

they'll find an opening

I had a NarcMother numerous Narc"friends" a number of NarcBosses 2 Psychopath boyfriends 3 Narc boyfriends 1 NarcHusband People routinely tell me & told me I am strong. Doesn't matter how STRONG you are -- they will find some chink in your armor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#26 Aug 5 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

baddream

Your story

Barbara, I have read your story a couple of times, it is truly horrible. Especially having both an N husband and N psycho-boy after him. When I read it I was disturbed by similarities, esp. how they hone in on our vulnerabilities, bait us, catch us, and eat us up alive until we are sickly, obsessive, weak and a shadow of our former selves. I wonder if they would attempt this sort of thing if we demonstrated strong personas... they would probably be intimidated and afraid of failing and so they look for the weak to feel better about themselves.

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