When enough is really enough - Sharing my story for the first time
First off,..I just wanted to let you all know that I am very thankful that I came across this site. I have read through the forum and everyone is so great!!
It has been about 2 days of NC with my ex. I haven't physically seen him for 1 week and 1 day now. I never knew too much about this mental illness, I actually thought that there was something that was mentally wrong with me. At least, that is what I was lead to believe for the past 5 years. The night of Feb. 12th, my ex had me driving around town looking for him for about an hour. I was crying hysterically and sending him text messages with no response. When I tried to call, he'd pick up and hang up. When he finally did talk to me, I begged him to tell me where he was but refused. I just kept asking him why the hell he was putting me through this. He told me that I was lying to him about why I hadn't answered the phone when he was calling me a couple of hours earlier. He knew that I was working on base that day and I even called him when I had to drive to another building. I told him that I would call him when I got out and that was that. So the building I ended up having to work at was a secured facility, so I had to put my phone in a locker. When I got off, I saw he called and left text messages that were really mean!! He didn't believe me and called me a lying whore and slut! (I have NEVER cheated on this man!) So anyways, I finally found my way back home and stumbled up my driveway because I felt like I was melting away and no one was there to help or catch me. After a while, my tear ducts were completely drained and nothing else would come out, I managed to pull myself together and started trying to find information on getting over heart ache! I did a Google search with keywords like: "what the hell is wrong with me", "why does he hate me", "how to get over him", "how to make him believe me", "why does he think i'm lying" and last but not least "why does he want to hurt me"... That is when I came across and started reading more into what narcissism was. I couldn't believe it! I couldn't believe that there were other people (mostly women) going through the same exact things that I was going through. There were so many stories that I was able to relate to.
At first, I didn't want to just start judging or diagnosing my ex for this illness, but all the characteristics were an exact match. So maybe you all can help me after I share my story...
This man was an acquaintance for about a year, I never really talked to him but we've seen each other around. I had just gone through a divorce a year ago at the time and was really quiet and never shared what I was going through with anyone. I saw him one night at a poker game, I drank a little bit and was actually socializing with people. This was a side of me that he has never seen before... He walked me out to my car to make sure that I was safe, and he asked for my number. A couple of days later, he sent me a text out of the blue just to say that he hoped that I had a good day. We talked a little bit, but nothing really serious. It was just really nice to be able to talk to someone. Valentine's Day was coming up and he called me to ask if I had any plans. I told him that I had a date with my beautiful kids. We talked about our kids and I was just in a daze and admiring his parenting skills. He gave me this song and dance of why he had gotten a divorce but told me that he did his best to see his kids as often as possible. So he asked me if I would like to join him and his kids to dinner for Valentine's and to bring my kids also. From that day 5 years ago, I was head over heels in love with this man. Everything was so fairy tale like!! The first six months, I was in heaven! I smiled all the time and I kept telling my friends about how supportive, caring, and loving this man was. He put me on a pedestal! They all told me how lucky I was to have him because he put on this show that made my girlfriends gaga! He took my son to baseball practice and when I had to travel for work, he offered to watch my kids for me. I couldn't believe how I scored the jackpot! Then on my birthday, 7 months into our relationship, he threw me a huge party and proposed to me and I said YES!!!
That's when all hell broke loose! From that day forward my life was slowly being turned upside down..... He moved into my house and I told him that he didn't have to worry about paying anything but he offered to pay the utilities. He stopped gambling, but I never asked him to stop anything that he was doing. He decided to do all of those things on his own... A couple of months later, I found out that he was sending messages to one of his high school ex girlfriends on Facebook. He was so sweet in his message, saying that he had never had a chance to apologize to her for what he had done to her...(I don't know exactly what he did). He talked about his kids and his broken marriage. He referred to my children as "inherited children" and not once did he mention me at all. On top of that, I saw that he was on 2 other dating websites. I had finally confronted him about this and he told me that he would delete them and that he has had them for a while and hasn't been on them since we've been together. So I asked about the Facebook message and he was furious and asked how the hell I knew about them. I was so hurt about it, but at the end of the argument, it was my fault. He said I wasn't trustworthy for going into his personal space and that it was nothing, oh also I was "paranoid". I asked why he never mentioned me and he said that he was going to eventually. I never brought it up after that. My self esteem started to dwindle because in the back of my mind, I felt that he was still doing it. I also had found him looking at porn because he was to computer stupid not to delete cookies or the browser cache.
Things would go good for a little while and then out of the blue we would start arguing about something. He started blaming his failures on me. Like when he couldn't get caught up on his bills, it was my fault. I questioned why he was late on his bills, I mean he made good money as a structural engineer,... I paid the mortgage and did all the grocery shopping. I couldn't understand where his money was going. I knew he had to pay child support, but I knew he would sometimes get late on that also. When I asked, he would shut me down and tell me that it was my fault because I didn't allow him to do other things that he used to to make money... I didn't know what he was talking about. I assumed it was gambling... I reminded him that it was his decision to stop and I didn't make him do anything. So he started gambling again,..he would get off of work, come home to change, and leave to go gamble. He would stay there all hours of the night. I would send him a text saying good night and that I loved and missed him. I wouldn't get a response for a while. If I text to ask if he got my message, he called me impatient, or he'd yell via text in all caps blaming me for losing. He became so insensitive. If I cried, he would give me a blank stare and just walk away. He was so cold and I couldn't understand it. There were so many nights that I fell asleep crying...
I started to lose touch with who I was and I felt like he was a stranger to me. It hurt me a lot and I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. I didn't know what would trigger an outburst so I kept quiet whenever he yelled at how stupid I was and just took it all in. I was too embarrassed to talk to my friends who thought that this man was just super nice and genuine and loving. My family knew better. They saw what he was doing to me and kept telling me to leave him, but I never could bring myself to do it. Whenever he would leave, I allowed him to come back with the hopes that he would change. I hid it from my family when I accepted him back. But when they found out, they would tell me that all they wanted was for me to be happy.
Like I said,..these 5 years have been a daze to me,..I was so focused on the first 7 months that we were together and I've tried everything to make things work. He moved out of my house before Halloween last year. He told me that he needed his space and that if I worked on my issues then maybe we could get back together, but on his time. I was sad when he left but I accepted it. He ended up moving into my friends house. I don't know what he told my friend, but he has managed to make him hate me. I chose not to entertain it because I already knew that I would just be making a fool out of myself. My ex has awesome manipulative powers and can sell ice to an Eskimo!! His visits to me were rare and he would pop up when he felt was convenient. If I wasn't available to him, he would get so pissed off and call me a slut or a whore. But yet, he knows that I am not that type of person to bring home random men because I refuse to expose my kids to that crap. And I have respect for my body. I can't sleep with someone that I don't love, but yet he has classified me as a slut and a whore. I would ask him if we could do something together and he would have an excuse of already having plans or sometimes he wouldn't even respond. When he finally does respond, he would say he fell asleep or simply didn't get my text. If I started to show any emotion, he would tell me I was crazy and I needed help. He would call me a psycho and just cut me off. It was so easy for him to walk away in the middle of an argument and there have been so many times he left me without closure. Every problem he told me that I had, I tried to change. There were some things I felt were wrong, but I tried to conform to his liking. I catered to his every need, but still, I was never good enough. I don't know how I was able to sustain the amount of emotional abuse looking at it all now. I haven't even touched the core of the trauma that this man has put me through. He has tried to sabotage me completely, but I have been too strong from that aspect to let him get to that point.... Maybe in time I will share that in another entry...
When did I realize that enough was enough?? February 14, 2013 he had made reservations for us to meet at the first place he took me and the kids 5 years ago and he told me that he'd come and get me. I was so excited! Two days prior he had me crying in the car and hung up on me... So I missed him and couldn't wait to see him. Our reservations were at 8:30...I bought me a nice blouse and got ready extra early. By 7:30, I was ready and tried to do other things to occupy my time. I helped my daughter with her homework and read a little bit. At 8 o'clock, I haven't received a text or anything. My sister saw the worried look on my face but she assured me that everything would be fine and not to worry. At 8:15 she just came to hug me because she saw that I was just looking down at the floor. At 8:45, I retired to my room and he finally sent me a text saying "LOL, you did this to yourself! Hope your happy". I didn't respond,...I just told myself that I have had enough. My chest was so tight and it hurt so bad! I wanted to rip myself apart! I sat there wondering what have I done so bad to deserve this. I would never wish this pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I blocked his number and I felt great!!!! Apparently he has tried to get a hold of me because he asked my sister what was going on with me. He sent me an email 3 days ago saying that he wanted to get the last of his stuff from my house. I did respond asking what he felt he left because there is nothing in my house of his,...he wrote back saying he wanted his coat rack and his weights!! REALLY!! What the hell!!! I laughed and didn't even respond. I put all of his shit in the shed and I told my sister to send him a text to let him know where he could get his stuff and to make sure that he specifies a time that he'll be picking up his leftovers so that I can make sure that I am not there!
So that is my story in a nutshell,..can you tell me if my ex is considered the "N" word?