ughhh I broke NC again

I have a drinking problem. Friday night I got extremely drunk, drunk dialed him, found out he was at the bar with my brother and hunted him down. The things I found out that night have left me sick to my stomach, and shocked. I can’t even express it. Yes, I am ashamed of my behavior, and realize I need to get my drinking under control. I have been taking an antidepressant and realize I shouldn’t be drinking on it. I was 36 days NC, and I ruined it to find out more lies. Just when I thought last time was rock bottom. Nope this time was worst. He was with 3 women that he slept with, and they are his acolytes. Another bar, I went to and they had no clue of who I was, except for the women he was with. I even went on his phone and found shocking things that I can’t even say out loud yet. I am so disturbed, and numb, and can’t even cry about it. Everything I thought, and felt in my gut was true. He is truly a sick, sick, sick person and I found out more information that validates it unfortunately. I feel like I am living in a twisted nightmare right now. I take accountability for my own actions however; I sit here with this perplexed look on my face that I can’t shake because of the new things I learned. The new things I learned that will propel me to stay away from this very disturbed individual forever. I don’t think I can even have anger towards him because he is so sick. If that makes any sense. I feel bad for him, and I will pray for him. Something needs to give within myself. I need to remain stronger than ever this time. I need help. I have a knot in my stomach; I am shocked, and feel scared. I just want this to end for once and for all. I will do it somehow. Thank you for listening, and I am sorry I slipppped again. It kills me but, it can only get better from here. It has to for my own sake. Just when I thought I was strong, I ruined it with an alcohol stupor.
3 Days NC :(