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Ughh please help I feel sick!

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#1 Nov 2 - 8PM
Victim-no-more
Victim-no-more's picture

Ughh please help I feel sick!

I have been doing well on NC but this makes me nauseous. Right before I went NC I sent him one last email on my old myspace account because he doesnt use facebook (facebook requires that you actually converse with people see) anyway I decided to delete my myspace account just now but when I went on there I saw that he has not yet read that email (it shows the status as unread). I decided to read what I wrote one more time and omg I sound like a pathetic reject telling him I will miss him but I have to say goodbye etc. the tone of it is supply city!! God how I wish I could unsend it but its impossible. Its just sitting there waiting for him to get off on. Wont this ultimately mean my NC hasnt really started yet,i mean it will for him.......i dont even still feel like I did when iwrote the damn thing. Now he is gona get belated supply and I am going to look like a weakling and someone please tell me this is going to be ok and that I can still extract an ounce of dignity. He will have won. He will gloat after he reads that damn message.i could just scream. I hate his guts but he will walk away thinking im miserable without him,just like he hopes! Lisa

Nov 3 - 1AM
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

NC is for YOU!

And it`s what you know, not what he thinks, that matters. If you were 6 months NC and he didn`t even notice, it would still be six months NC. Your NC is not suddenly invalid, just because you think he didn`t get or read your last mail. And there`s no reason ever to be ashamed for speaking from your heart and saying exactly what you feel, no matter how it reads. That`s a strength, not a weakness. So don`t beat up on yourself, and don`t let anyone else do it either. Screw the bastard! You`re doing really well and have reason to be proud of yourself! xoxo Tigerlily
Nov 3 - 1AM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

He'll read it, get off on it,

He'll read it, get off on it, and go back to pursuing his shallow, stupid delusions of grandeur as per usual. Who cares what he thinks or does anymore? You've moved on and in time, your silence will speak volumes when he realizes there are no more attempts at contact from you. But hey -- maybe he never got around to reading it because he was hit by a train! One can always hope, right? Hugs, D.
Nov 3 - 12AM
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

I broke NC and sent a quick,

I broke NC and sent a quick, friendly e mail 2 weeks (?) ago. And regretted it immediately. WTF was I thinking at that moment? Probably that in case he dies I still want the dog....But here's how I think about it: eventually, when the inevitable unraveling with the NS begins, he will likely have amnesia for all of his reasons why I am horrible, and he will think that I'd welcome a word from him. And that's fine. Let him send me even just a hello or whatever, and the silence he gets will be that much more resounding. It is astounding to me how detached I feel-98% of the time. And I'm going after that last 2%.
Nov 2 - 9PM
empath
empath's picture

pat yourself on the back and dust yourself off

You should be congratulating yourself for recognizing the futility of the email you sent him, and for having made that much incredible progress towards your own healing. Your fog is lifting...and that is a good thing! Don't punish yourself and dont feel bad or feel foolish for what you said or did with the N. In time, you won't give a shit about his opinion of you good or bad or whether you look this way or that way to him. Know now they will always....even and especially if...you made a rather glorious and dignified exit...they will always rewrite their recollection of events so that they come out on top at least in their own minds. Nothing you said or did makes any difference. Just pat yourself on the back for making progress, let this event go and move forward. Keep moving forward. It gets better, it really does. :-)
Nov 3 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
Victim-no-more
Victim-no-more's picture

Yeah I feel a little better

Yeah I feel a little better now. When I wrote the message to him I was telling him how I honestly felt at that moment. I shouldn't be ashamed of being a caring, sensitive person. I'm not the narcissist here and I dont want to play the game like he does. At the end of the day who cares what he thinks. Whether he scores the last point in his game, the fact remains that he tried to come back into my life and I said no. at least I have that. I dont see how they can even stand living in their nightmare on a daily basis. What a pathetic miserable existence it must be.
Nov 2 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

He knows it's there.. He

He knows it's there.. He hasn't read it because Assclown wants to FUCK with you.. Who cares.. You know better so do better .. If he ever contacts you again ( which he will ) You know what to do... delete,delete,delete!!!! Silence is a strong message.. Hunter