A light in the dark..or hope if I may.
I am writing to update you all on my journey. It has been a long time since I have posted or written. First I want to say that I bring you hope. I know most of you are where I was two years ago, in a very fragile hurt and confused state. I also know that there was not much that could break through the walls of pain and confusion that had built up around my heart. I urge all of you to stay on this site. In my darkest hours this site and the wonderful women on here were my saving grace.
I will try and simplify my story. Some may remember.
I was involved in an abusive NARC relationship for 5 years. I left two years ago. I was so twisted up by my experience I could not trust the facts of my situation, I could not determine what was true and what was not ( classic lamplighting syndrome)… I could no longer trust myself, my heart and my mind. When this happened to me it was as if my soul was being sucked into an abyss. I was lost.
I loved my NARC..but how could I love someone who would do these things to me? Was he really doing these things? Was he right? was it all in my head? On and on , every day I struggled to hang on and fight for the truth and honestly for my life. I simply wanted to die. I did not know what I had done in this life to deserve this kind of person.
The hope I bring today is that of my own experience. I will not lie and say the road you are on is easy and that everything will be all right in a few days. I can promise you with all my heart that one day..you will live again. Not only will you live, really live but you will heal. That you are a wonderful person with a wonderful heart and that is the only reason a NARC was ever able to lure you in to start with.
I will tell you cry as much and as often as you need to. I will tell you to yell scream holler curse and vent whenever you can. I can tell you the never ending days of grief, heartache and loneliness will pass and you will breathe again. I swear it.
I still suffer from PTSD. However it does not rule my life.
I am truly happy. In this horrific experience I found myself. I also forgave myself. I learned that loving my self is the kindest thing I could ever do. I learned that once I let go of all the hurt, sorrow and loss and really saw my ex for what he was…For the first time in years I was free.
I know!!! I said I would never love again. 2 years ago I could not conceive of loving again. I knew I needed to heal spiritually mentally and emotionally before I could give anything to anyone. So when I said it. I meant it. I was being honest at the time.
I ask that you never tell someone oh you will love again.
I am not here to say if you will or you wont. I believe we must deal with the emotions we have inside before we can concieve of loving again. I can say that I thought I was so broken and damaged by my NARC I would never love or would find someone who understood my trauma. However..lol
I did find that someone. My someone had been with someone terrible as well. He understands my trauma and supports me when I need it.
I want to make clear that my life is not fixed because I met a new man. I was very happy single. Very happy doing my yoga exercise and busy with therapy and learning to love myself. I traveled to a dream destination and danced my lil white ass off :).
If this relationship ends I will feel sad and upset but I will not crumble and I will not die. A healthy loving relationship is so different than the one we experience with the Narc. I do not ride an emotional roller coaster every day.
My partner is just simply there for me and I him. There is no abuse only support. I do not worry about him in context to cheating or lying because he does neither. I trust him because he has shown me. Not words but actions. See with this relationship if he lies or cheats..I leave. With my Narc he had my brains so scrambled I couldn’t sort the truth from all the lies.
Sometimes and only sometimes I still cry. Not Because I miss the NARC. I cry because my experience with my Narc forever changed my life and the things that happened well..it was the most painful and darkest time of my life. But, more often than not…I laugh now. I laugh a lot.
I guess what I am trying to say is…hang on. Laughter and light are coming to ease your burden. I don’t know when. But I know if it came for me..the hopeless one….It’s coming for you too. No one deserves this amount of pain. This I know for sure.
I am always thinking of all of you and praying that you all find your wings to fly away from the NARC and fly free into the life that waits for you!
I hope this helped. I am not sure if you can track back but if it helps do so. And you will see that I like you suffered deeply and horribly and that today i write to you with a strong mind, a healthy heart and so much hope for my life.
love and light from True to truth